A/N – The show is depressing me. Not only Seth and Summer, but Sandy and Kirsten? Damn. Damn!
Try every single day
I know you're worth the wait
Am I getting closer or further away
Somewhere behind your eyes
I know my answer lies
But you won't release it
I wish you would try
To open up and let me see inside
Down deep in your heart I want to be
Down where you hide your love for me
Cause I've got to go, I've got to be
Let me inside down where
you hide your love for me
Lies 39
"It's like a roller coaster sometimes," the girl sighed.
Seth nodded absently. "Right. Without the giddy fun part. But with the occasional vomiting." He was standing outside appreciating the fresh air after the close quarters in the meeting room. It had been very informative and hearing others talk about how they were helping their 'survivor' of violence had been encouraging, to say the least. Realizing the girl was speaking to him again, he snapped out of his thoughts. "What? I'm sorry, I was thinking."
"It's sweet of you to come to support meetings. A lot of people don't feel comfortable."
"Oh. Well, I've read what I can in a short amount of time, but some of the things my 'survivor' does is confusing the hell out of me, and I wanted to find out more. This seemed like a good way."
She smiled at him. "You really want to help, don't you?"
"Well, yeah. Isn't that the point?" Why else would people go to support meetings?
"This meeting was about supporting others that have a victimized person in their life, not about helping the 'survivor'. Of course it all goes back to that, but we have this group because it's not an easy job, dealing with the ups and downs."
"And that's why I want to know more about what's happening to her, so I can do a better job. Is there a different meeting I should have gone to?" Seth was confused.
The girl laughed. "No, I didn't mean it like that. It's just easy to see that you're here for answers, not to complain, like some." She put her hand on his arm.
Seth suddenly noticed that she was very pretty, a blonde with big blue eyes. She was about his age, probably a little older. He wondered who her 'survivor' was.
"There's a book store with killer coffee up the street. I could answer some questions for you, if you want."
Seth looked down at her hand, which was still on his arm, then back up at her open smile, wondering if she was hitting on him and instantly flustered. "I – uh – I can't, but thanks very much for the – yeah. I need to see if –"
Summer walked up beside them, her voice curious and friendly. "Excuse me, is this your boyfriend?" She had on huge sunglasses to hide some of her bruises, which also hid her expression.
Seth's companion looked at her quizzically. "Well, no, but –"
Summer's friendly tone vanished. "But nothing, Blondie. He's NOT, so you need to get your hooker nails off of him. You 'look, but don't touch' the boy if he's not yours – no one ever taught you that rule? And by the way, red nail polish is SO last fall."
"Um, Summer…"
"I'm starving, Cohen. I just talked to Sandy, he wants us to bring home dinner for everyone."
Seth looked helplessly at the blonde girl, who suddenly nodded knowingly after seeing Summer's ring.
"Oh, I get it. Can't possibly be your sister, so she must be your – "
He cut in, quickly shaking his head. "Used to be. Survivor." He cleared his throat.
Summer turned back to the girl. "WHO are you again and WHY are your paws still on him?"
The girl smiled and grabbed Summer by the arm, walking her down the street. "I'm Julie, your new friend who's gonna tell you how stupid you are for breaking up with that guy."
Summer couldn't believe her ears. "Excuse me? You don't know – "
"Just listen. I don't know exactly what happened to you, but something just as bad happened to me."
Summer stopped trying to get her arm away and stood still, searching Julie's face. She crossed her arms. "So what?"
"So MY boyfriend loved me, but he just couldn't get past my attack. We were together 2 years before it happened. This guy Cohen, he's doing everything to find out how to help you. I just met him at a group meeting about people like you and me, who've been hurt in a violent crime. I know your first instinct is to go it alone for whatever reason, and I know they seem like GOOD reasons, but you have to fight that instinct. If you keep pushing him, one of these times he won't come back." Her voice softened. "Look at him." They both turned and looked, while Seth self-consciously stared at his shoes, shoving his hands in his pockets.
Summer had no idea who this girl was, but felt an instant connection with her. Julie was the first person she'd met that had experienced the same horror, and she felt strangely comfortable telling her about Seth. "He's been trying so hard, and he's so sweet. I just keep hurting him, though. He's better off without me."
Julie shook her head. "If HE thought that was true, he'd have taken any opportunity to run, like my ex did. Haven't you given him several chances to by now?"
Summer nodded slowly. "I totally can't believe he went to a group meeting. We just had the worst fight ever, thanks to me, right before he dropped me off. I've been so horrible to him, and he just keeps trying. "
"Look, I've seen this happen to couples too often. Like I said before, if you keep pushing him, at some point he'll go. And take it from me, doing this alone sucks like you have no idea. I wish you understood how lucky you are that he still wants to be with you."
"Why are you doing this?" Summer looked at her thoughtfully.
She laughed. "Why am I sticking my unwanted nose into your personal business, you mean? For you? I guess I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was so interested during the meeting wanting to know all about what you were going through and how he could help. Then you were obviously jealous and when he said you weren't his girlfriend anymore, I knew exactly what was happening. It just hit too close to home for me, I guess." Julie pulled a small notebook from her bag and wrote for a minute, tearing a page from it and holding it out. "Here's a list of meetings and times for you. They really do help; trust me. I put my number at the bottom. If you ever want someone to talk to that's been right where you are, call me."
Summer stared at her, astonished. "You don't even know me!"
She shrugged. "I know you better than anyone, in a way. Listen; I'm serious. I can help you and I really want to. Talk to me."
Summer took the paper and folded it into her bag. "Thanks. And uh, sorry about the 'hooker' thing."
Julie grinned. "Just what color IS in right now, Summer?"
"Oh. Pastels are huge. Or sherbet colors." Summer blushed, embarrassed.
"I'll shop this afternoon. You'd better get back to uh – "
"Seth."
"Better get back to him. He looks lost. And call me." She walked away, waving.
Summer waved, then walked back to Seth.
He watched her move toward him cautiously. "We're not fighting anymore, are we? Because I'd rather not talk at all if it's going to be an argument. That last one went way past the PG-13 limit that I try to adhere to, in real life combat ratings, anyway. Playstation's a whole different deal."
"No, I'm done fighting. And I should apologize, because I was pretty much trying to start one the entire way here."
"I know! You did a good job, too. I went right along with your evil plan and gave you the argument you wanted. I'm sorry, as well." They smiled at each other and he extended an elbow. She slid her hand through and they started back to the truck.
"So what's the deal with that girl? I kept waiting for the catfight, but it never happened. What gives?"
"You sound disappointed."
"Well see, beautiful women snarling, hissing and clawing each other over me could be rather ego-enlarging. Among other things."
"Get over yourself, Cohen. We weren't fighting over you."
"Damn. You could have at least lied to me." Seth was dying of curiosity. "So what did she say?" He helped her up into the passenger seat.
"Nothing, really. Just a pep talk on going to group meetings. The same crap the doctor just told me." Summer stared out the window as he started the truck. "What should we get to eat?"
Summer and Seth quietly cleaned up the table after dinner.
"You feeling ok? You've been quiet since we got home." He laid a hand on her shoulder, and she quickly squeezed it.
"I'm just achy and tired. Help me up the stairs? I want to lie down for a while."
Seth grabbed a glass and a can of soda out of the refrigerator, pausing. "Can I talk you into an after-dinner drink?"
She smiled. "Sure. I need to take my drugs anyway."
He got another soda, then took her arm, and they slowly made their way up the staircase.
Summer sat on the bed in her room with a sigh. "It's been a long day."
"Not to state the obvious or anything, but you've only been up for maybe, uh, two and a half hours." He put the glass on her nightstand and poured her soda, then sat next to her on the bed.
"And that was two and a half hours too many. I'm SO tired." She opened her bottle of medication and took some, then stretched out on top of the covers.
There was a knock on the door and Sandy stuck his head in. "Ok to come in? I need to talk to you for a minute."
"Oh, hey, Sandy. Sure." She got up, making room for him on the bed. He sat down.
"What's up, Dad?"
"Paul, the detective you talked to, just called me. Summer, your father was moved from the hospital to the jail this morning, and this afternoon, well, he was charged with battery and attempted rape. There will be new charges brought against him probably tomorrow." Sandy took a breath and looked from Summer to Seth.
"What new charges?" Summer whispered, already knowing the answer.
"There's just no easy way to say this. I'm sorry, Summer. They found your mother's remains today."
Seth winced. "In the – in the canyon?" He looked quickly to Summer, who's face had gone white.
Sandy nodded. "Based on what you told them, and other evidence found, Mr. Roberts will be charged with murder, and your attempted murder." He took Summer's hand and patted it. "I'm so sorry. Do you have any questions, or is there anything I can do to help make this easier?"
Summer shook her head, staring into space. "No. I uh, guess I expected this. Thanks, though. I just – I just need some time alone."
Sandy stood, watching her sadly. "Kirsten and I will be home all night. If you change your mind, we're just downstairs."
She looked up at him, and nodded. "I know. Thank you so much." He left, closing the door behind him.
Seth slid his arm around her, waiting for her reaction, and when she leaned into his shoulder, he turned and gathered her close with both arms. "I'm sorry, Summer. I know you were hoping it wasn't true."
He could hear her voice, muffled against his chest. "I always hoped she'd change her mind and decide she didn't hate me and wanted a daughter. I thought - One day I'd turn around and she'd be standing there smiling, and I'd know it was her because she'd look just like me, and she'd open her arms like we were in some movie and ………… that's never going to happen ……"
He stroked her hair. "But listen, she DIDN'T hate you. And she didn't leave because she didn't want you - those were just lies your father told you. Now you know that she DID love you, just like you always hoped for."
She put both arms around him and hugged him tightly.
"And – and don't forget, I love you." He held her for a very long time, not feeling the need to speak, just wanting to make her feel like she wasn't alone.
She finally murmured to him. "I'm sleepy now."
Using one hand, he pulled down her covers. "Go ahead and lie down then. Do you want to change?" She shook her head and quickly unbuttoned her jeans, sliding them off beside the bed. After she crawled under the covers, he pulled them up for her. "Do you want me to stay with you?" She shook her head again, eyes closed.
"I'll be ok - I need some time by myself. Go get some sleep, Seth. But thanks." She gave him a little smile.
"I'm just right over there." He pointed across the hall, anxious about leaving her alone.
"Quit worrying about me. I want you to go get some rest. If you do that, then maybe I'll let you baby-sit me some more tomorrow."
Frustrated, he raised his voice. "It's not babysitting! I'm worried about you!"
Summer sat up in the bed. "Cohen! You're ruining my placid aura here! Listen to me. We may not be together, but I still care and I'M worried about YOU! So get your skinny exhausted ass into your own bedroom and into your own bed - NOT on the computer chair - and get some freaking sleep for a change. Don't MAKE me get up and put you in there myself!"
Seth opened his mouth to respond to her angry tone, but then what she'd actually said sunk in. "Oh… Well, when you put it like that…."
"Goodnight, Seth. And don't be surprised if I need more alone time tomorrow."
He sighed. "Whatever helps you. Night, Summer."
Seth sat on the side of his bed and stretched, feeling deliciously rested. It had still been relatively early when Summer sent him to bed last night, but after stripping and crawling under his covers, he'd been out almost immediately. Glancing at his clock, he saw that he'd been asleep for almost 12 hours. He grabbed his robe and went across the hall, tapping on Summer's door. There was no answer, so he stuck his head in. He was surprised to see the room empty and the bed neatly made. Her suitcase was nowhere in sight, and it appeared that she'd unpacked, as her makeup was organized on the vanity. "Huh."
He went downstairs and slid onto a stool at the kitchen island next to Ryan. "Morning." After grabbing a bagel, he had it halfway to his mouth when Ryan looked up from his comic book.
"Hey. Don't eat that. There's breakfast casserole in the oven." He went back to reading.
"I'm sorry? Do you mean that someone in this house put ingredients into a dish that miraculously turned into edible breakfast food before the ungodly hour of 8 am?"
"Yep."
"Was it you?"
"Nope."
"So you're telling me that Summer has already not only unpacked and organized her room, but fixed breakfast for five people?"
"Not exactly. Kirsten took another pan of casserole to work with her to share with the office staff. You want some juice?" Still not looking up from his comic, Ryan grabbed the last clean glass sitting next to a pitcher of orange juice and placed it in front of Seth.
Seth grabbed the pitcher and filled his glass, then topped off Ryan's. He went to the stove and opened the oven door, pulling out the casserole dish. Plates were stacked on top of the stove, next to a bowl of fruit and a covered basket of biscuits. He filled his plate and took it to the island, where Ryan was holding out his own empty dish, still reading.
"Just the casserole, please."
"Seconds?"
"Thirds. That stuff's better than anything I've eaten for breakfast in about 5 years." He looked up. "Did you know Summer …… cooked?"
Seth filled Ryan's plate and put the dish back in the oven. "It boggles one's mind, doesn't it? She's done the culinary thing a couple of times now. And listen to this, dude … I got breakfast - IN BED the other day." He sat down next to Ryan, sliding his plate back in front of him.
Ryan's eyes widened. "Nii-ii-ice."
"Yeah. You'd think after going to all that trouble, she'd stop breaking up with me, but no. So just where is my little "Martha"-in-training?" He took a bite. "Oh, man. This is good."
"She left with your dad a little while ago. Something about the police station, and making arrangements fora "service". I was just coming in as they left, and I didn't hear the whole conversation, so I don't know exactly what's going on."
Seth sat up, dropping his fork. "She went to the Jail? Without me? She can't do that! She needs me!"
"Seth. Chill. She told you she wants to do this by herself."
"Well, yes, but she wasn't supposed to mean it! Or actually DO it by herself. Not without me!" He felt miserable now.
"What's going on?"
"They moved her dad to jail and charged him with battery and attempted raa … you know, yesterday. They also found, um, her mom."
Ryan closed his comic book and put down his fork. "I thought she hasn't been heard from since Summer was little?"
"Correct. Probably because she's been dead since PsychoDad pushed her off their patio when Summer was little. While he was trying to raa … beating the hell out of her, he told her that she was going to learn to fly, just like her mom did."
Ryan closed his eyes and pushed his plate away, sickened. "You should have hit the bastard when you had the chance."
"I said the same thing! And you know – every 2 hours or so? I want to hunt him down and choke him till his face turns blue or blow his brains out or Wolverine him into little bloody fucking cubes all over the ground. I scare myself. A lot."
"Ok, Seth? Don't tell me things like that again. You're scaring me now."
"I can't help it, man! After everything ELSE he did to Summer, he lied that her mom hated her and didn't want her, when he knew all long she was dead! Hell, he probably killed her because she found out what he was doing to Summer, and she tried to protect her little girl! I mean, Ryan, obviously the man's sick, but where does the line cross over to just plain evil? Can you really separate the two?"
"You're asking the wrong person. After my father, and my mom's boyfriends knocking us around, I'm not able to see that kind of behavior as a sickness. Unless you're so bad you can't function in the world and need to be in an institution, I see it as a choice. Evil."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up painful memories for you." Seth felt terrible. Ryan wasn't exactly having the best month either. "It just makes me insane. And now she's shutting me out."
"You don't need to apologize."
"I'm doing it anyway. You're having enough problems without listening to me whining all the time." Seth put his elbows on the table and his head in his hands.
"It's not whining - this is some serious shit, Seth. And I'm worried about Summer, too, so I get how you must feel."
"Me too. This must be so hard." Anna closed the door behind her. "Hi, guys. You might want to think about locking the door to your house. You never know who might just breeze on in."
"Hey! Grab a plate. There's breakfast." Ryan grinned at her as she walked up to him and gave him a short kiss.
"Hey. Who cooked?" She sniffed the air. "Smells awesome."
"Summer." The boys answered in unison.
"Summer cooks?" Anna was shocked.
They both nodded.
"I'm … I'm … "
"Boggled?" Seth suggested.
She pointed at him. "That's the word. So how is she?"
Seth shrugged. "She goes back and forth. Up and down. Sweet and tart."
Anna went to the stove and got a serving of casserole. "And how are you?" She settled on a stool next to Ryan.
Seth shrugged again. "I'm fine."
"Except for every 2 hours when he's homicidal, and every 3rd hour when he's depressed and confused." Ryan dryly informed Anna.
"That really cuts back on the normal time in a day, doesn't it? Wow. This is yummy."
Ryan nodded. "Don't you think it would be a good idea …?" He looked from Anna quickly to Seth, then back at her again.
"Oh, definitely! I was thinking about that last night. I didn't know if I should say anything, though. It's a …"
"Touchy subject. Right. But I think it would help him." Ryan smiled and took a bite of food off of her fork as Anna held it out to him. "Thanks."
Seth rolled his eyes. "Whenever you two are done reading each other's minds and finishing each other's sentences you might want to notice that I'm SITTING RIGHT HERE." He fixed Ryan with a disgusted and confused glare. "What's wrong with you? You're eating off her fork! Couplehood for you guys has gone from cute to gag-worthy in a record amount of time."
Ryan snorted. "This from the boyfriend that became Fashion Island's bitch after one shopping trip."
Anna put a hand over her slack-jawed mouth. "No way!"
"He said…'shopping is good' and didn't even put up a fight when she suggested they go again. Can you believe that?"
"Dude. Lots of guys like shopping." Seth tried to play it off.
"Yeah. For comic books and CD's!"
"I slept in the truck while she shopped!"
Sarcastically, Ryan nodded. "Sure you did."
"I did! Ask her!" Seth looked at both of them. Obviously neither one believed him. "So what were you guys channeling between your brains before the conversation went south, again?"
"Oh. We think it might be a good idea if you … talked to someone." Ryan shared a look with Anna.
"Besides us, we mean." She smiled softly at Seth. "We're worried about you."
"Me? You think I need a shrink?" Seth shook his head. "Contrary to what I've been told my entire life; I'm fine. Nothing happened to me worse than breaking my arm. Why would I possibly need a shrink?"
"Not necessarily a shrink, just a qualified professional that has some experience with Summer's type of problems, too. You're in love with someone that severely bad things have happened to - they affect you, too."
Ryan nodded in agreement.
"I told her THAT the other day when she dumped me. But that was because she doesn't want any help. And, and I went to a support group meeting yesterday. And I've read a bunch of stuff about how to help her, and why she does the … weird stuff that she does. I'm good. Fine. It's all gravy." Seth pushed his plate away. "I can't eat anymore."
Anna and Ryan exchanged another look. She elbowed him, and Ryan spoke this time. "Listen. I know I told you that it's all about her, but I mean when it's about decisions she's made. Like handling things alone. You have to let her. If you throw a fit about her going without you today, she's gonna feel like you think she CAN'T handle it, or maybe don't really respect her decisions. She won't feel comfortable with you, and she'll end your 'in-ness' completely again."
"Point taken. But what does that have to do with me seeing a shrink? I don't throw fits, by the way. I've matured."
Ryan gave him a look. "Maybe. Maturity doesn't happen overnight. Look, group meetings are good. That's cool that you went, but you did it to help her. You've read stuff so you know what's happening to her so you can help her. This is all happening to YOU, too. Talk to someone about how YOU feel about Summer's past and what her dad did to her the other day."
Anna nodded. "It might help you resist becoming a serial murderer."
"Yeah. Cuz I want to be JUST like Summer's dad." Seth finished his orange juice.
"What?" Anna was confused.
"Oh. Sorry. They found Summer's mom yesterday. Dead at the bottom of a very deep ravine directly below a patio at their house."
Her eyes widened. "He killed her?"
"Yep. Then made Summer believe her entire life that her mom had left them because she didn't want the baby daughter she'd had. He planned… uh, uh… to kill Summer, too."
Near tears, she moved closer to Ryan as he put an arm around her. "That man is a MONSTER."
"Uh huh. But I have different names for him, myself."
"I'll bet. Is Summer still asleep, then? I swear I would have lost my mind by now if I was her."
"She's tough. So far. In a Wonder Woman-ish way. And she's already left for a full day of -" He made finger quotes in the air. " – 'handling things herself'. Also known as 'freezing Seth out'."
"C'mon Seth. Maybe she just needs to feel like she's in control of something. The rest of her life just keeps blowing up around her."
"I know, I know, I know. And I'm not going to harass her about it. It just – sucks. Not to mention – hurts." He looked from Anna to Ryan and quickly plastered on a fake smile. "But I've matured, and I know that at a time like this it's not about me or how I feel."
Ryan smiled. "I'm proud of you, man. Hey, Anna and I are gonna drive up the coast today. You want to go?"
"And witness an entire day of young love in bloom which is exactly what I don't have? I'm depressed enough already, but thanks."
"What are you going to do, then?"
Seth thought about it for a minute. "Maybe I'll get back to Seth Cohen basics. Playstation, comic books, and po - uuuh…maybe I'll go sailing. Really clears the mind and cleanses the soul."
Ryan fixed him with a piercing look. "You're not just saying that? While you're REALLY planning to lay around the house eating ice cream and depressing yourself more by watching soap operas?"
"Naw. Sailing sounds good. It's been a while since I've been out."
"And you'll think about finding a professional to talk to?" Anna laid her hand on his arm.
Seth rolled his eyes. "I'll think about it."
She smiled at him. "Good. In a way, that would be helping Summer, too. Consider it like that."
Seth threw his hands up in the air. "Now you're just twisting my arm. All right. I'll find someone. Happy?"
Anna went around to Seth's side while Ryan picked up their plates and put them in the dishwasher. She kissed him on the cheek. "Yes. Now I'm happy."
"Me too. Just try to relax today, Seth." Ryan squeezed his shoulder.
"Hey, you guys too. Have a good time. And – uh – thanks. For – you know." Seth looked down at the tabletop.
Anna called back from the doorway. "We have our cell phones if you need anything, Seth. Just call, ok?"
He waved in reply. When he heard the door close behind them, he sighed heavily. After cleaning the kitchen, he went upstairs to shower and get ready to go sailing.