Summary- The portal didn't kill her, but it left her incomplete, empty, alone... How will Buffy cope with being an ordinary human? By calling upon the only one who knows the meaning of being the Slayer...
Setting- Begins in the Gift in Season Five, and continues through an alternate Season Six.
Spoilers- Anything during and before Season 5.
Disclaimer- Nope not mine, I ain't that good!
Pairing- Pffft, as if you haven't figured it out yet. And if you haven't, well, go read and find out!
Author's Note: Yes, another fic. This one will be about 18 chapters, and is definitely new territory for me. I could not have done it without my beautiful and amazingly talented beta, Rylee, who whipped this story into shape. So if you read it, like it and have something to say, let me know by dropping me a review. And onto the story…
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Creed
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Chapter 1
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Death was calling to her, singing a song of rest and happiness. There would be no more pain or doubt or guilt. There would be nothing...nothing but the eternal rest that was heaven. Death's hands emerged from the swirling energy, and wrapped its fingers around her tired body. They pulled her, drew her towards it, and she welcomed it.
But she couldn't go yet...no, not yet. There was something that wouldn't let her go, that clutched at her and held her to this weary life. What was it? She turned her head and saw what it was. Dawn. God, Dawn...how could she leave her? But she needed to; she needed to die so her sister could live. So her sister could live a normal life and grow old with a husband, two point five kids and a white picket fence.
She had to jump. She wanted to jump. God, she needed to jump. But first she needed to release her sister and her friends- no, family- from her. She needed them to understand. She gazed at the lightening horizon as the blazing sun began its ascent into the sky. Then she turned to her sister and showed her the peace that had taken a hold of her.
"Buffy...no!" her sister cried, as she recognized what those green eyes told her.
"Dawnie, I have to," she whispered softly.
"No!"
"Listen to me. Please, there's not a lot of time, listen," she gripped Dawn's arms, "Dawn, listen to me. I've always known this day would come. You knew; Giles knew…they all knew. This is my job, my life…my fate. I was born to save this world, and I'm going to save it. I'm going to save it so I can save the people I love. And that's you, Dawnie. I love you."
"But I can stop it!"
"You won't have to," Buffy murmured. "I'm giving you the chance to live on. You're stronger than me, Dawn. Live. For me."
Dawn listened in numb horror, frozen in her sister's hold. Then Buffy kissed her younger sister, and gazed into her eyes one last time.
She turned from Dawn and ran towards the rising of the sun. Peace would come at last, and she could finally rest from this world of unfair living. With the grace and courage that only Buffy Summers could possess, the Slayer dived into the growing swirl of energy.
Pain! God, the pain! It ripped through her, filling every molecule of her body and tearing her apart. It surged into the very core of her being and screamed the shout of agony. It sliced; it burned; it ripped; it twisted; it stabbed; it wrenched. It hurt like nothing she had ever felt before. And then it stopped. There was nothing but...nothing. She succumbed to the darkness of oblivion.
~~~
Her friends gathered sorrowfully around her fallen body. Xander stared at his best friend, lying broken on her back, then down at his injured fiancée. He had lost his best friend and nearly lost the woman he loved this night. He saw Buffy's broken body, and his mind flashed back to the night he found her like this in the Master's lair. She had been younger then, more innocent and naïve. But her white, flowing dress and her blonde hair splattered with water had made her seem like something out of a fairytale. She had looked like a princess out of a myth, the innocent virgin sacrificed to the Gods, and he had never been so scared in his life. Until this moment. Because this time, she looked normal. She looked like Buffy, and this time, there was nothing he could do about it.
Willow held the hand of her girlfriend, tears pouring down her face as she looked at her best friend. Buffy deserved so much more than this. She felt the anger kindle within herself, an indescribable power that surged through her. The magic screamed to be released... And then it was gone, and all that was left was grief. Buffy had been her best friend. Buffy had arrived at Sunnydale High and changed her life forever. She had come and pulled the real Willow from within the shy, meek shell. Buffy had made Willow the woman she was today. What would she do without Buffy? A hand squeezed hers in an offer of comfort and solace. Glancing at their joined hands, Willow lifted her head to gaze into the eyes of Tara. Her girlfriend would always be there for her; her girlfriend would be strong for her. Willow felt the walls of control start to slip, and she broke down, sobbing into the arms of her sorrowful girlfriend.
Giles saw his Slayer's body, but his mind refused to accept reality. No, Buffy was strong and she couldn't die... But his mind refused to rationalize, and as the finality of it began to sink in, he felt tears slide down his cheeks. His charge, his daughter, the girl who had been the center of his life for so long, was gone. He couldn't rationalize this, because Buffy was gone. He had known this moment would come. All his training had prepared him for this moment, when he would find himself Slayerless, and another Slayer would be called and another Watcher would perform his duties. But none of the training covered what it felt like. None of the training told him how it would wrench his heart from his chest and leave him feeling…empty. None of the training told him that when his Slayer died, so too would a part of him. And he cried.
Dawn tread numbly down the stairs and saw the others gathered around her sister's body. Buffy had died for her. For her. It was her fault, all her fault. If she didn't exist, Buffy would be alive. Fresh tears fell from her eyes, and the vision of her sister's form was lost in a haze as her eyes blurred. Her fault...
"You're stronger than me, Dawnie."
But I'm not! She wanted to scream. Buffy, come back. I can't live if you're not here! But she didn't scream. Nor did she move or make any noise. She couldn't.
Spike hobbled over to the people he had fought alongside. The pain racking his body was agony, but it didn't matter. He hadn't managed to protect Dawn like he had promised. He had failed. It was his fault. Buffy was right; he was nothing but a worthless demon unable to do anything. He was useless. A stab of pain shot through his leg and he was about to groan when he saw the girl's broken body. Suddenly, the pain was gone. There was no pain anymore. There was nothing, because Buffy was dead. No rushing blood or soft breathing. She was…
It was so faint that he nearly missed it. It was hers. There was no mistaking it; he could hear her heartbeat a hundred meters away. Just like he could always sense her when she was near.
She was alive.
He rushed to her side, ignoring the wounds that lacerated his body. He was already dead; the injuries didn't matter. But Buffy was alive, and she wouldn't be for long if she didn't get help soon.
"Stop bloody standing there! She's alive damn it, alive!" he barked.
His yell echoed through the building site and shocked the people surrounding him. Giles' wide eyes would have been comical if it weren't for the dire situation they were in. Immediately passing Anya's unconscious body to the two shocked Witches, Xander hurried to Spike's side, the enmity between them temporarily forgotten. All emotions and thoughts were focused on one girl.
"She ain't breathing, Harris. I can't give her air..." Spike murmured.
"I can," Xander replied grimly, moving to kneel beside her head.
Without a moment's hesitation, Xander pinched Buffy's nose and breathed deeply into her mouth. He came up for air and breathed into Buffy's mouth again, and just as Spike was beginning to lose hope there was a soft gasp, then a steady, if not hushed, sound of breathing.
"Stop, Harris," Spike said, unable to keep the relief and joy from his voice. "She's breathing. We need to get her to the hospital."
Xander was on his feet in a second, sprinting to a nearby van. Giles stayed on the spot where he first saw her body, allowing the relief and happiness flow through his mind and body. The Wiccans held Anya in their arms, and Willow was still crying. This time Tara joined her, and they were tears of happiness. Spike looked up and his eyes locked on Dawn's.
He could see the horror in her eyes, and realized that she was too scared to allow herself to believe that her sister was alive.
"Dawn," he called softly. "She's okay, Bit, she's okay."
Dawn shook her head, "N-no, she's dead. She's…"
Spike stood up and walked over to where the terrified girl stood.
"No, Nibblet, she's alive."
~~~
"...hardest thing..."
"...to live in it."
Sky reddening...sun rising...clouds clearing...peace...
Blue swirling...free falling...hands grabbing...energy pulling...
Pains searing...bones cracking...muscles tearing...skin burning...
Singing...death is singing...calling to her...death has come...
Buffy's eyes shot opened and she jerked upright. She gasped for air, glancing frantically from side to side. Was this heaven? No, it couldn't be; there was pain. There was no pain in heaven, so why was it hurting?
Breathing raggedly, she drank in her surroundings. It hit her with full force, and her breath stuck in her throat, causing her to gag. Hospital, she was in a hospital. She was not dead, but alive. She was alive...
The truth smashed into her like she'd hit a brick wall. She wasn't going to rest. She was still alive, and she was going to live on, and on, and on. And when, if, she finally did die, she would be nothing but a bitter, exhausted, lonely old shell of a woman, clinging to what little sanity this life had left her. But, until then, there would be no escape, no way out. She was alive and she would stay that way. She had grazed it with her fingertips, but death had evaded her once more.
She screamed.
~~~
"Giles, is she all right?" Willow asked anxiously, fidgeting on the plastic seat beside her girlfriend. Tara gripped her hand tightly, and Willow could feel the comfort that traveled through her fingertips.
"She's ah...not good," Giles mumbled, removing his glasses and wiping them, "The doctors say that she is...critical, but she will be fine."
Xander resumed his pacing, then, as if on second thought, decided to visit Anya instead and disappeared through the swinging doors. Willow rested her head on Tara's shoulder, and the blonde stroked her girlfriend's hair absent-mindedly. Giles slumped into the seat beside them, glancing at his watch and noticing that they had spent more than twelve hours at the hospital. Dawn sat rigidly in her seat, staring at the door her sister had been taken through. Spike was hunched in the corner, trying to avoid the dangerous rays of sunlight that forced their way through the slits between the blinds.
Everyone was weary, sore and stiff from their long night, but not one of them dared to suggest leaving the hospital without Buffy. They knew that wild horses couldn't drag Dawn or Spike from her side, or waiting room, and Xander refused outright to leave without his fiancée.
Giles glanced at his watch again and sighed. Buffy wouldn't wake until the drugs wore off, which, according to the doctor that performed the surgery, would be another few hours. He settled down to get as comfortable as the hard seats would allow, and prepared to wait.
A sharp scream echoed down the hall. Nurses jumped in fright and hurried to the source, obviously hoping to sedate the poor patient. Giles gave them only a quick glance before returning to flicking through a home improvement magazine.
But Dawn froze when the scream reached her ears. She knew that scream; it was familiar and she had heard it before.
"Buffy," she breathed as she jumped from her seat and dashed down the corridor. Giles heard her whisper and was right behind her in a second. Willow went to go after them but Tara gently grabbed her arm and the redhead understood. Buffy didn't need to be crowded, and her sister and father figure would be more than enough to face after her near death.
Dawn burst through the door to her sister's room and searched it desperately for Buffy. Seeing the circle of nurses surrounding one of the beds, Dawn moved forward and pushed her way through. She saw Buffy strain against their hold and shrink away from the needle they were attempting to inject her with.
"No!" Dawn cried, "She hates needles, let her go!" She ignored the shocked nurses and grabbed the needle from the doctor, throwing it to the ground. Dawn caught her sister's wrist and raised her hand to Buffy's cheek. "Buffy, shhh, it's okay. It's me, Dawn."
Buffy stopped struggling and gazed into her sister's eyes, "Dawnie? You're okay?"
Dawn swallowed a scream of frustration and anger. Buffy was the one who was hurt and yet she was asking Dawn if she was okay. She hated how her sister was a hero, always protecting and caring for others before herself.
"Y-yeah, I'm fine Buffy. You're fine," she whispered back.
"I-I know," Buffy replied, lying weakly into the bed.
"We did it, Buffy." Giles murmured, too low for the scowling interns to hear, "We won."
Buffy managed a small smile and closed her eyes, "We always do," she whispered.
But it didn't feel like they had won. Buffy felt...wrong, like she had lost something. She felt different, as though there was a great, black gaping hole in her core. There was only...nothing. The spark she always felt was gone. The strength and the adrenaline had disappeared, leaving her empty and weak. She had never felt this helpless before, and it made her feel...wrong.
She waited until the nurses and Giles had gone, and until she heard Dawn's soft breathing before opening her eyes. Dawn's head rested beside her shoulder and her fingers were intertwined with Buffy's. Buffy tried to lift her hand to stroke her sister's grimy hair, and found that it was too heavy to rise. Her whole body felt weighed down and detached, leaving her unable to move.
What was wrong with her?
~~~
"Buffy, do you want to lean on me?" Giles asked, worriedly, hovering at her side as she hobbled through the hospital doors.
"No," she replied flatly.
"Do you want me to bring the car around here?" asked Xander, standing right on her heel, ready to catch her should she fall. Anya limped beside him, her hand resting on his shoulder for support.
"No,"
"Do you want me to-" Giles began.
"NO!" she said firmly between clenched teeth, keeping her eyes trained on her feet.
The group exchanged looks and Buffy ignored it. They didn't understand, and they probably never would. How could they know she had accepted death? How could they understand she had been ready to rest? They wouldn't, she knew that, but she wouldn't allow them to know. Dawn gave her hand a squeeze, and Buffy gave her a tight smile. Her sister didn't say anything and she was grateful. She didn't think she could handle any questions at the moment.
They walked through the parking lot behind the hospital in silence. It had been four days since they had defeated Glory and night had fallen. Buffy had been discharged after heavy persistence on her part, with strict instructions to stay in bed and rest. Amazingly, Buffy had escaped her ordeal with only four cracked ribs, a punctured lung and multiple burns to her body. Not to mention the minor cuts and bruises that covered her body. She managed to stay on her feet, wincing at the sharp pain that sliced through her lung every few minutes, and ignoring the burning in her throat caused by her ragged breathing.
They were only a few feet from the van Xander had taken from the site when four vampires slid from the shadows. Buffy looked up in horror as they surrounded the group, terrified beyond belief. Spike, Xander and Giles immediately jumped into action, grabbing the stakes from their jackets and challenging the vampires. Anya stood back with Dawn. Willow nodded at Tara and the two of them joined hands, summoning the ball of fire they had been practicing. Within minutes the fight was over.
Suddenly, a hand snaked out from behind Buffy and grabbed Dawn's neck. Buffy, ignoring the pain, seized the arm and pulled it away from her sister. The fifth vampire laughed and with a lazy swing, sent her crashing to the ground. Buffy was on her feet a second later and threw a punch at its head. He ducked it easily and backhanded her, propelling her into a nearby car. She fell to the ground heavily and glanced up in time to see Spike stake the surprised vampire from behind.
Dawn, shaken from the unexpected attack, stared at Buffy in horror. Willow and Tara clutched her arms and raised her to her feet, but Buffy stared transfixed at the pile of dust on the tarmac. Spike gazed at Buffy curiously. He could sense something different about her, and it worried him. He didn't feel the connection between them, the familiar tickle he felt when she was near. There was nothing.
"No," Buffy whispered, shaking her head slowly. She caught Spike's eye desperately, seeking answers, but he couldn't hide what he had discovered. She saw the answer plainly in his eyes and crumbled to the ground. Hugging her knees to her chin, Buffy felt tears burn the side of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.
"Buffy?" Dawn asked, kneeling beside her. "Buffy, what's wrong?"
"I don't soddin' believe it," Spike muttered, anger flaring in his voice.
Giles grabbed Spike by his jacket and shook him, "What the hell is wrong with her?"
"I-I..." he stumbled, caught unaware by Giles' fury. "Let me down and-and I'll tell 'ya."
Giles released him, but stood menacingly over him, and Spike had enough sense not to infuriate him.
"Well?" Willow questioned, shooting worried glances at her blonde friend.
Spike glanced from each face, knowing that shock would soon replace their expectant faces.
"Buffy didn't heal fast. She didn't sense the vampires. She wasn't able to fight them. She's..." he faltered, but then continued, "The Slayer ain't a Slayer anymore."
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To Be Continued…
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