Lies 43

Seth turned over for what felt like the hundredth time, trying to get comfortable.

A sad voice came out of the darkness. "You're not dreaming about our tropical island, are you?"

"No."

"Spill it, then. What's on your mind?"

"Well, actually, prison. And how badly I don't care to go there. And I can't get the image of that jerk staring at me like I'd actually HIT you out of my brain. No matter what I think about, I end up back at one of those two places."

"I wish I'd been there."

"No you don't. They were so convincing I almost believed it after a while. Was that man ever an actor?"

"All his life, Seth. He probably believes it WAS you that did it. There's something wrong with the wiring in his brain …" She yawned. "Wanna know what I can't stop thinking about?"

"Yeah."

"You in an orange jumpsuit with handcuffs and those shackles thingies. I want to scream every time it pops back into my head."

Seth thought about it for a second. "Not an ideal color choice for me, is it?"

"Not really. Especially the silver stuff."

It was quiet while they both considered it.

"I'm not going to think that far ahead anymore. I just can't." Seth yawned loudly. "So you wanna watch another movie? We're obviously not going to sleep like this. Maybe a really boring movie, like, some chick flick with romance and heartbreak."

"Are you trying to start a fight?"

"No. Honest. I'm just so tired things are coming out of my mouth before my brain can process them."

"So what's different about that?"

"Ha ha."

There was an endless silence and Seth was sure she had finally fallen asleep. He held off on rolling over again as long as he could, not wanting to wake her. Memories of her slimy father pretending to be outraged, staring at him with accusing eyes while the attorney read his statement of lies whirled through his head until he finally couldn't take it any more and turned, at the same time realizing she wasn't even in the bed anymore. He sat up and looked past her side of the bed, trying to make out her figure in the dark, but didn't see anything.

"Seth."

Her voice was right beside him, startling him. He swiftly swung around and found her standing next to him on his side of the bed. "Summer! You scared the …Wha – what are you doing? You, uh – wow. You're – whoa." He felt her hand slide down his arm until it reached his wrist, and she gently pulled his hand and fingers slowly down over her naked hip, and back up to her waist again. He gulped.

"I thought of something we can do that might make us sleepy. Get our minds off things for a while."

Warm hands lifted his t-shirt, sliding up his stomach to his chest, fingers skimming over his skin.

"Let's take this off. I don't think you need it right now."

He obediently raised his arms as she pulled it over his head, not sure what to say. He wasn't expecting anything like this for a long time, and was worried that she might be rushing things.

"Are you - ? You're not suggesting …? Of course you're not, we're just gonna make out for a while, right?"

A shiver ran through him as her lips grazed over his ear.

Her voice was barely a whisper. "Wrong."

She crawled onto the bed and sat in his lap facing him, trailing kisses down his neck to his chest. His hands went involuntarily to her lower back and followed the curves up her sides and around her back again. He started to speak but she kissed him with both arms around his neck, pressing her chest into his and suddenly he lost the ability to talk. Which was ok because he really didn't want to talk at all; he just wanted to feel every inch of her body against his, soft skin and wonderful abundant curves and toned muscle and fragrant hair and Good. Lord she was so sexy and yet … He pulled away from her searching lips, feeling on the nightstand for the remote to the stereo. He turned it on and lowered the volume a little, really only wanting the soft glow of light from it to see her better with. "Are you sure about this?"

Instead of answering she pushed him back into the pillows, and then unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. He saw her hesitate, and helped by shimmying quickly out of his pants. She was lying on her side, watching him when he turned back to her, and he couldn't place the expression in her eyes. He stretched out on his back, wanting her to move at her own speed. "We don't have to –"

"Quiet. You said you wouldn't second guess me anymore."

"I did say that, didn't I? Ok. Then let me just assure you that if for some reason at any point, now isn't the right time, I'm totally good with that."

She sat up, suddenly anxious. "It should be ok, right? I read all that stuff – I know I need to feel like I'm in control, maybe keep my eyes open, so on and so forth and whatever… I mean; it's not like it's a deadly weapon or something!"

"It? Oh. No. Definitely not! You should just think of – it … as a friendly, happy, um, buddy – that only wants to make you think of nice things and, and - and have fun. Big fun. Happy fun. Your uh, pal. Definitely."

"Right." She whispered as her hand moved across his chest and slowly down his stomach.

Seth held his breath as she reached the waistband of his boxers, his skin on fire from her touch. He watched as she stopped and raised her hand, noticing that it was shaking badly. He grabbed it and pulled it up to his chest, turning toward her. "Summer, don't." Her entire body shook and tears welled up in her eyes.

"I can't. I'm … sorry."

"It doesn't matter." He smiled gently, and rubbed her arm. "Come here." She scooted over and he held her close. After a few moments, her tremors subsided and she spoke. Seth didn't need to see her face to know it was her stubborn voice.

"Yes, it does."

"Huh?"

"It DOES matter." She sat up, pulling the covers over her lap.

"It's just sex. I mean, neither of us is gonna die without it. Well, maybe in like, a year or so, but - Quit worrying."

"You don't understand, Cohen. You have to help me with this, it's important."

Seth sat up, leaning back against the headboard. "Why? This is normal after what happened to you. Just give it some time."

"I don't want to give it time. I don't want to be normal. Nothing about us or this relationship is even close to normal. If I can't do this, then he's winning. He's even putting you through hell now, which is so not acceptable." She was speaking intently, trying hard to tell him how she felt, but the words weren't coming out right. Frustrated, she hit her leg with her fist.

His eyes widened, and he reached for her hand. "Hey. It's ok." He'd seen her aggravated like this before, talking quickly, her body tense with the effort of speaking her mind. He flashed back to the letter she'd written in her journal thing, never intended for his eyes. The pages she's written, explaining how hard it was for her to say things to him, things that really mattered. He thought they'd gotten beyond all that, but maybe he was wrong. "Summer, just relax. Take your time, and the right words will come to you. And hey. I'm not going anywhere."

She let out a breath, almost a laugh, immensely relieved that he understood. "You – you're amazing. You remembered."

He nodded. "Want something to drink? Midnight snack, perhaps? How about a meatloaf sandwich? I'll make a kitchen run while you think about things."

She shook her head. "Go ahead if you want something, though."

"I'm good." He settled back against the headboard and she leaned against his shoulder. "Now. What were you saying? Why is this so important?"

She didn't say anything for a while. "Mostly, for you. I want it for you, for us."

"Summer, I don't –"

"I'm still talking here."

"Right. I knew that."

She thought for a second. "It's the one thing I can do for you that means everything, in this case."

Seth bit his tongue, wanting to tell her it wasn't necessary, but knowing better than to open his mouth again.

"Not because I think I need to prove anything to you, but because I care – I care about you. And it's like, kind of a symbolic thing. The thing that scares me most, I want to be for you, give to you. Now. Because you've done so much for me, and mean so much to me, and …"

" … it's what he wanted." Seth finished softly.

She whispered. "Yes." Summer looked up at him earnestly. "I hope it doesn't sound like I think I'm a big deal and wow, like bestowing a gift of sex on you, because while that would be totally like me? It's so not how I mean this to sound. Am I making any sense, Cohen?"

"I – I – Well. What I'm hearing is that, uh - you love me, which is really good. And that this is important to you, which makes it important to me. Because I love you. And I'm truly - touched."

She kissed his cheek. "So now what?"

He thought for a minute. "It seems to me, that instead of going straight for the brass ring again, so to speak, maybe we should ease you into this. Slowly." He motioned for her to lie down. "You're already all tense again. Stop thinking about sex and just relax. Roll over and I'll rub your back for a while."

She complied and groaned as his hands worked the muscles in her shoulders. "That is SO nice. I feel like I've been tied up like a pretzel for a month."

"That's an – interesting visual, to say the least. But you probably HAVE been all tensed up for days, you just didn't realize it." His hands worked lower, under her shoulder blades and down her spine.

A realization hit her. "Hey! How'd you do that? How'd you get me to say what I wanted to say to you before?"

"You were just thinking too hard about it. I distracted you and made you think about something completely different, like snacks, and when you thought about what you wanted to say again, the words were right there for you."

"Sneaky."

"I think 'brilliant' is a better word, but anyway, it worked."

"Mmmmm. I love your hands, Cohen. You have great hands."

"Uh, thank you." He continued rubbing her back for several more minutes, then lay down beside her, still running one hand over her soft skin. "How're you feeling now?"

"Really good." She rolled onto her back. "You want a back rub, too?"

"If you wish. That might be a good way for you to get comfortable with – uh – "

"The male form?"

"Exactly."

"Roll over, then, puppy."

He rolled, laughing, and quickly fell silent as her fingers kneaded him. She was strong on his shoulders, but more hesitant the further down his back she traveled. He heard her take a deep breath, and was surprised when he felt her slide over his legs and butt, sitting on him. She continued his back rub, losing her fear and massaging hard into his knotted muscles. "You have no idea how good that feels."

"Yes I do, silly. You just did this to me."

"I know, but I mean it's better – with you, uh, on me."

"Oh… Really?"

"Not a lie."

"Ok." She slid off to the side of him and then crawled back over, this time stretching out carefully and lying on her stomach along the back of his body. "You like that? Am I hurting you?"

"Definitely yes, and definitely no."

She settled onto him, lying her head down just below his neck. "This is nice. You're warm."

"As are you." Seth could feel her breasts pushing against his back, and all the wonderful, naked, skin of her sleek body against his own, and it was making him insane. Just the sensation of her lying on him like this was simple but surprisingly powerful foreplay. He was hoping it was having the same effect on her. He felt her hands run up his sides and then along his shoulders, feeling their way across his biceps and back up to his shoulders again. Her mouth was moving along his neck now, slowly kissing down to his shoulder, then she slid down a few inches and began kissing his back. "Um, Summer."

"Hmmn?"

"While that is SO awesome, what you're doing there? Really awesome? It's torture not being able to touch you. Are you – would that be ok?"

She slid off one side of him and he turned to face her, reaching for her cheek, unable to stop himself from kissing her. She kissed back, and he slowly ran his hand down her side, trying to be aware of any sort of fear the movement might cause her. She only kissed him harder and he brought his hand back up, running his fingers softly over her breast, playing with her. She moaned into his mouth and he pulled away, lowering his head to her chest as she rolled onto her back to give him better access. She took in a sharp breath as his tongue and lips make contact, and he looked up at her quickly, afraid he'd frightened her. He found her watching him, her eyes soft and barely focused, obviously enjoying his touch. Encouraged, he continued for a while, then began a slow descent with his mouth across her flat stomach. He felt her tense up as he moved even lower so he stopped, shifting around to lie next to her again. He smiled and kissed her, making it long and sweet.

"You're not mad?"

"Mad about what? You're doing great. Do you want to stop?" Seth propped his head up on his hand.

She shook her head slowly. "I'm not sure how to get past this, though."

"You're thinking too hard again. Just concentrate on how you feel, not what we're doing."

Nodding, she finally smiled. "You read A LOT online about this, didn't you?"

Seth looked away. "Just a couple hundred websites ... Some of it's just basic AP Psychology, though."

"Right." She rolled her eyes.

He grinned. "Feel like dancing with me?" He reached for the remote to the stereo and started a slow CD.

"Dancing?"

"Yes. Dancing." He got up and stood by the side of the bed, staring at her expectantly.

She sighed. "Why not?" She got out of bed and put her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder as he held her. "I've never danced naked before. It's weird."

"It's – no – it's very cool, trust me. From where I'm standing, anyway." He gathered her a little tighter, and they both got lost in the music, moving together slowly in rhythm. He felt her hands exploring his back and kissed her, for a moment feeling like a normal teenager in love. They both moved closer, wanting the contact, but when she felt him through his shorts, hard against her hip, she froze, pulled away from his kiss and took a step back. "Summer - friendly buddy, remember?" She didn't answer, so he took her face in both of his hands. "Talk to me. Did you have a flashback?"

She refocused on him, and nodded. "It was like I was right back there on the deck, trying to breathe with him on top of me." She swallowed hard, obviously sickened by the memory.

Seth was too, even though he hadn't seen it. The mental picture was horrifying, especially after seeing the aftermath: the cuts on her face, bruises on her body and inner thighs, and understanding how hard she'd had to fight against the much bigger, stronger man. He pushed his own nausea down, realizing that if she saw it, his reaction would send her down the path of guilt and shame again. "Remember the first time we, uh – made love? I was terrified that I'd disappoint you, but you were nice and pretended like it was really, really good? And the second time, it was different but so awesome – slower, and …" He couldn't think of a word that got close to describing how he'd felt.

"…sweet. And you were so tender and careful I knew you really loved me –" She smiled up at him.

" – and you realized you were stuck with me then and it made you cry. A lot. BIG boo-hooing." Seth teased her, taking her hand.

"Whatever. That ISN'T why I cried, and you know it. I'd never been so - adored, and you felt sooo good and it was so different and when I – when it was over it was like being in heaven, not just having some orgasm." Her expression softened with the memory. She let go of his hand and reached toward his chest, fingers coming to rest over his heart.

He covered her hand with his own. "You remember that first time, I had scored at getting your top off – and oh, what an extraordinary moment that was – and I finally got to, um, play with you however I wanted and remember what you did? That surprised me?"

With her eyes locked on his, she began moving her hand lower, over his stomach. "It was so cute, because you swore you were having fun even though I was getting all the attention."

"I was. Getting to touch you was all I'd been focusing on ever since we'd starting dating the first time."

She gave him a cynical look.

"Well, ok, I'd thought about other things, but in order to be realistic – I mean, look at you. Then look at me. It wasn't very long ago I revolted you, so I kept myself very single minded about what might actually happen between us, so as to avoid frustration or, or the ultimate letdown. So to speak."

"Aww. Cohen. No wonder you weren't expecting anything." She moved a little closer and got on her tip-toes to give him a fast peck on the cheek. She left one hand on his stomach and slid the other around his neck, pulling him down into a long, searching kiss. When it ended she whispered. "Dance some more?"

Seth held her loosely while she dropped her forehead against his chest, and they began dancing slowly again.

"I love this song," she sighed.

"I love you. You're my favorite song." He kissed her forehead and she looked up at him, seeing the emotion from his expressive eyes backed up his words. He bent to kiss her again and felt her hand slide around from his stomach to his back. As he explored her lips with his tongue she leaned into him and moved closer, bringing their hips into contact. She held still for a split second, then went back to their kiss. He couldn't help but smile when she did, breaking their lip lock.

"He's my buddy," she murmured against his lips.

He whispered back. "… that gets perky every time I think of you, were it not for endless amounts of self-control."

She giggled. "I'm not sure if I should slap you or kiss you."

"Tough choice. Try kissing me. It'll make all three of us happy. Uh, happier."

Summer smiled and kissed him again as he backed them up to the bed and sat down.

Summer sat next to him, pulling out of the kiss. "You should – I suppose you need to lose your boxers."

"Hey. I'm the guy here, and this is MY seduction of you. Let me worry about that stuff, ok?"

Surprisingly, she nodded meekly.

Seth looked around the dimly lit room, then stood. "I'll be right back."

"Noo! Where are you going?"

"I'll be back in less than a minute." True to his word, he went out the door then returned quickly, holding a book of matches. Summer had several candles in her bedroom at home that he had brought here, remembering her once saying that aroma-therapy helped her find "positive vibrations". He went around the room, lighting them. "There's no fireplace, but this is close."

"Very romantic, Cohen."

He turned to look, his eyes sweeping over her nude body, once again lying on her side on the bed. "You're so beautiful…"

She became uncomfortable at his gaze and reached for the sheet, beginning to draw it over herself.

"Please don't." Seth pulled a daisy out of one her flower arrangements, shaking the water off of the stem. He went to the bed and handed it to her. "This pales in comparison to you."

She gave him a suspicious look. "What are you doing?"

"Well, Summer, I'm romancing you. I'm thinking that this is possibly the equivalent of your first time, and I'm trying to make it special for you." He sighed heavily. "But apparently failing."

She immediately became remorseful. "Oh, honey, no. That's so sweet. Come here." She took the flower from him as he sat next to her. "It will always be special with you."

Encouraged, Seth kissed her again, and was hopeful when things quickly became heated between them. Once again, his hands were out of control, and the feel of her under his fingers was intoxicating. Rational thought was becoming difficult and he was shocked by his need for her. Ending the kiss and resting his forehead against hers, he fought for clarity in his head. He tried to speak, but it came out more like a groan. "Summer…"

"I know, baby. How do we …?"

He pulled away, finding her face full of uncertainty. She mustered a hesitant half-smile, so he maneuvered her around to sit on the side of the bed. He shucked his boxers, and dropped to his knees on the floor in front of her. "Like this. I think the standard position would make you feel, um, trapped maybe? This way I'm not - pinning you down. If you still -"

"I do." She held his face with her hands. "Thanks. For being so patient, I mean. And thoughtful."

Seth looked down. " Just remember this when I regress back to an insufferable assclown."

"I promise I'll take it into consideration." She kissed him, still smiling, and ran her hands down his sides, then up to his shoulder blades. Breaking the kiss, she lay back on the bed.

He moved between her legs and she immediately tensed up, so he backed away from her.

"What? Keep going."

"I can't really um, do this, when you look like you're waiting for a 747 to fall out of the sky onto your head."

"I do not."

"Yes you do. Your face is all scrunched up, and your shoulders are way up next to your ears –"

"Never mind what I look like, just keep going."

He sighed. "Summer. Come here. Sit up." He extended his hand and pulled her up. "I'm just gonna go right in here and kiss you, so relax." As his lips met hers he grabbed each of her knees moved in between them. He gathered her in his arms and they kissed for a long time, exploring lips and tongues taking her mind off what was ahead. His hands went to her lower back and he slowly pulled her closer, waiting for her to object. When she didn't, he continued the kisses and prepared to enter her, applying the gentlest of pressure. She pulled away from his mouth with a sharp intake of breath. "Should I stop?" He whispered.

"I'm scared." She looked up at him, feeling miserable and not wanting to test his endless patience.

"Honestly? So am I." He smiled softly. "See, it's like this. You mean everything to me and I'll do whatever you tell me right now without regret, whether it's stop or continue."

She had never thought about how this moment might affect him, and hearing him admit his fear made her realize this was no picnic for him, either. Obviously, he still wanted her after everything that had happened, but how much fun could it be anticipating having sex with someone who could have a flashback and possibly claw your eyes out at any given second in time? His words made her feel secure and established that they were totally together in this. Consequently, any thoughts of backing out she'd had were gone now. Her focus had changed to loving him back as much as he loved her. "I adore you."

"And I you."

"Show me." She locked eyes with him as he slid in, concentrating on the way his expression changed and how much she loved bringing him such intense gratification. He was gentle, just like she knew he'd be, and very gradually the tight grip she'd had on his arms loosened. She leaned back, propping herself up with her hands. "Is that better?"

Seth hastily shook his head. "You're too far away." Sensing her confusion, he smiled. "I want to hold you. Although – it's really cool to – look at you like this." He nodded. "The visual is definitely awesome. I must remember this - for another time."

"Then what should I -?"

"Grab my neck. Hold on tight." When she slid her arms around his neck and locked her ankles behind him he kissed her, and while holding her tightly, stood up and turned around, then sat on the bed. He moved back to the middle of the bed and finally crossed his legs behind her. He began a gentle rocking motion and broke their kiss to nibble down her neck. "Is this ok? Not scary?" He whispered.

"I like this. Is it – do you?" Summer felt her face heat up, realizing she was embarrassed to ask him if it felt good. It was such a simple question, yet before Seth she'd never cared enough to even think about the other person's experience. She wondered if he was on edge, like herself, or if this was more of a chore for him than anything else. "I mean, is this as good as if – before?" She rested her head on his chest, defeated, wondering if he understood.

His hands had been roaming up and down her back, but now he pulled her close to him. "Better." Dropping his head on her shoulder, he continued their languid rhythm. She was very quiet, clinging to him tightly with her head buried in his chest, and he wasn't sure if she was feeling any pleasure. He realized that maybe he shouldn't draw this out; she might just be dying to get it over with. He picked up speed and pulled away to look at her, making sure she was ok. Velvet brown eyes gazed back with warmth, full of trust and affection and he was surprised at her total concentration on him. On HIM. "You –"

"No, you." She smiled softly. "Let go, honey. I want you to stop being careful now. I'm ok."

"But –"

"Shhh. Quit thinking about me and concentrate on how you feel for once." Summer shifted her position slightly, drawing a gasp from him. "Ooh, right there." She began to move with him, leading him into a faster, harderpace.When she was surehe was close, she doubled her efforts, soon sending him over the edge. He cried out as he came and she swiftly kissed him, trying to quiet his outburst as he finished.

He pulled away finally and leaned back on his hands while he caught his breath. "You ok?"

She giggled. "Me? I'm not the one waking up people in Chino."

He colored slightly. "Couldn't help it."

"I'm glad it was good, baby." She carefully got off of him, crawling up to the pillows.

Seth stretched out his legs and fell back on the bed. He rolled onto his side, grinning at her.

They shared a long look, with her breaking the silence. "I did it."

"That would be an understatement, in my opinion." He reached for her hand.

"I thought I was broke, but you fixed me, Cohen."

"You fixed you. I was merely along for the uh, ride." He still wasn't sure about something. "Was it – did you – enjoy it at all? Because if you didn't that's cool, not that it's good, like THAT, but they say it might take a little while before it's – good. For you. Maybe. Was it good for you? The next time could be much better. I mean, if it was bad. Was it?"

She looked at him thoughtfully for a minute.

"Honesty, Summer. You're not gonna hurt my feelings. This is not a normal situation."

She nudged under his arm and rested her head on his shoulder. "It wasn't horrible. I just focused on you and after a while I wasn't as scared anymore."

"But you weren't really – into it."

She could tell, despite his saying otherwise, he was now doubting his skills as a lover. "Listen, get that tone out of your voice right now. I'm just glad we got through it without you losing any important appendages or internal organs, ok? This was actually for you, and us, remember, and I'm very content with the outcome."

"I just wish it had been like, awesome for you."

She hugged him as hard as she could. "It will be…In time, sweetie."

They were quiet for a few moments, listening to the music.

"Seth?"

"Hmmm?"

"We need to put our clothes back on before we fall asleep."

"You're ruining my afterglow, Summer."

"You promised your dad."

"But that was before."

She poked him in the side with a long nail. "Move it."

Seth got up slowly, whining. "If I'd known sex was happening, I never would have said anything about clothing. Sex and clothing? Very obviously not compatible. "

"Just put your jeans on." Summer got up, stretching. "I'll race you back to bed."

"Ah. A challenge." He stood watching as she pulled shorts and a tank top out of her drawer, quickly slipping them on.

She got back into bed, disgusted with him. "You didn't even try!"

He bent down for his pants, pulling them on slowly. "I think I like watching you get dressed as much as I like seeing you get naked. Hmmm …… after further consideration – I like it ALMOST as much. It was worth being a race loser, anyway." After blowing out all the candles, he returned to bed.

"You're hopeless, Cohen." She reached out for him and he eagerly went back into her arms, both lying on their sides facing each other.

"More like helpless, where you're concerned. I'm really not proud of the fact, but I'm man enough to admit it."

"I won't tell anyone, if that will help."

Seth snorted. "I think all of Newport is up to date on who's whipped here."

Summer kissed his forehead. "I'm helpless, too."

He didn't know what to say to that, and as luck would have it, a lump formed his throat, preventing him from speaking anyway.

"Do you feel more relaxed now?"

Nodding mutely, he hugged her tightly.

"Good. Get some sleep now, baby. It's late."

He gave her one last long kiss, then sighed happily and closed his eyes.

Summer lay awake thinking for a long time, her head nestled against his chest, softly running her fingers over his back as she listened to his heart beat.