The One Where Erica Cries
"Honey, have you put all your stuff away yet?" Monica said loudly as she entered the lounge, hands on her hips.
Chandler, who had been watching 'Baywatch' on their brand new television set, froze as she said this; his head swivelling around to glance at her in horror, "Um, no, not yet," He said quietly, waiting for her to burst into flames.
Monica's lip curled. "Well, d'you mind if I do it?"
Chandler relaxed. "Oh, yeah, sure ..." He said slowly, his attention being diverted back to his programme.
"I'll have dinner ready in a half-hour, okay?" Monica added, before leaving the room. Chandler, who was now completely lost in the programme, merely nodded and sniffed, taking another swig of his beer. Rolling her eyes, Monica went into the kitchen to prepare dinner, then she would go and sort Chandler's things out. Just as she was flicking through her prized recipe cook book and debating whether to make ravioloi or chef's salad, a loud noise suddenly came from the hall. Jumping and stumbling, Monica shook her head and went to see what it was.
"Chandler!"
Chandler jumped and almost spilled his beer, "What?" He called back to Monica, "If this isn't any good reason for me to be interupted whilst watching Baywatch, please tell me," He added rather sharply.
"No! It's Erica! Come see!" Monica called back, sounding gleeful.
As Chandler stepped out into the hallway, he glanced at his wife, then at his daughter, Erica, who was laying in her pram, positively bawling. "What did you do to her?" He said, turning to Monica, his brow furrowed.
"I didn't do anything, but look, she's crying!" Monica said happily, "It must have been the loud noise coming from that stupid show of yours," She added, frowning at him.
"Did - Did you just insult Baywatch?" Chandler said, his eyes widening.
Monica smiled sweetly. "No," She said shortly, folding her arms, "Now, why don't you sort her whilst I go upstairs," She said, and before Chandler could object, Monica had climbed the staircase and vanished from view.
He glanced at Erica, and sighed, "What's up, sweetie? D'you need something to eat? D'you uh, need to go to sleep?" When Erica began to scream, Chandler rubbed his forehead and then lifted her up out of the pram, "We'll go and get you a bottle or something, god damn Monica is better at this kinda' stuff then me."
An hour later, Monica came back downstairs, and wasn't atall surprised to find Chandler, sitting in the kitchen, his head resting on the table. "Chandler? Why hasn't Erica stopped crying? No, let me guess. You started telling her some of your sarky, dumbass jokes to cheer her up?" She said.
"Yeah, laugh all you want ... okay that kid is just - unbelieveable! I told you before we should have put one of them up for adoption, and that one should have been her!" He said, his arms flailing around madly, "Just - make it stop, 'kay?"
Monica sighed. "Well, I always knew you'd be bad with children. But hey, maybe you'll learn?" Smirking at the look on Chandler's face, she went back out into the hall to attend to Erica.
---
"C'mon sweetie, just - stop crying, okay? For me?"
Chandler groaned, pressing his head against the wall. "So, she still hasn't stopped crying, huh?" He said, raising an eyebrow, "I thought you said you were great with kids."
"I never said that," Monica snapped, whilst hugging a clearly distressed Erica close.
"You were implying it though," Chandler said fiercly, "Listen Mon, just get her to stop. Throw her out the window, sell her to a group of canadian nuns, anything to make the crying goddamn stop!"
"So, you want our daughter to grow up as a canadian nun?" Monica said angrily, casting him a filthy look.
"Wouldn't you prefer it too?" Chandler answered, glancing at her incredulously, "Okay, this is stupid. She's been crying for hours now, I mean how come Jack hasn't so much as - burped, and she's kept on at it all night?"
"I don't know, maybe you should ask her?" Monica said sarcastically.
"Okay, I make those kinds of jokes up," Chandler said indignantly, his eyes drooping, "Look, It's eleven o'clock, I'm really tired."
"Well, go to bed, then! Leave me all by myself to take care of this - this - nightmarishly wrong child!" Monica said loudly, in despair.
Chandler sighed, "No, we both promised that we'd do this together. So ... I guess I have to help."
Monica beamed at him. "Really? You mean that?" She said hopefully.
"Sure I do," Chandler said, smiling at her, "But just so you know, there's a whole lot of other stuff I'd rather be doing at this time of night!" He added loudly, following Monica back into the lounge.
---
The very next morning, Monica came down the staircase, yawning and running a hand through her hair. As she made to go into the kitchen, she stumbled and fell forwards, falling flat on her face. Cursing and picking herself up, she looked down at what had made her fall.
"Chandler?"
"Huzzawha?"
Monica frowned. "You stayed up all night? You told me you'd be upstairs in twenty minutes so we could have sex!" She exclaimed.
"And you didn't fall asleep as soon as you got up there?" Chandler said groggily, getting up.
Monica sighed. "So I'm guessing you got Erica to go to sleep?" She said rather stiffly.
"Well, yeah, but It took some doing," Chandler said, "Seriously, we should so be putting that kid up for adoption!"
"Don't be stupid," Monica snapped. Then she glanced around, "So, how come you're down here, but you managed to put the twins to bed, upstairs?"
Chandler glanced at his feet. "Oh. Well, yeah - but I got sidetracked by some really great porno movie on tv."
"Who was in it?" Monica asked, not even looking surprised.
"I don't know, but it was great!" Chandler said, grinning at her, "So, she's definately stopped crying now?"
"Yeah, I checked on both of them after I'd woke up," Monica said, smiling. Suddenly, she'd thrown her arms around his neck, "So I guess this means we get some - alone time, for a short while before they wake up?"
Chandler sighed, "Well, I am kinda' hungry, you know." He said, grinning as Monica kissed him on the lips.
---
Elsewhere, Rachel awoke with a start, and sat up in bed slowly. Looking beside her, her eyes fell on Ross, who was sleeping soundly beside her. Rachel smiled; she loved Ross too much for words, and she was thrilled that they were finally back together. Hey, maybe they would eventually end up getting married. It wasn't going to end, not now that they, plus Emma, were all a family now.
Suddenly, Rachel snapped out of her reverie as the phone began to ring. Surprised that someone should be calling her at this time in the morning, she picked up, "Yeah, hello, Ross and Rachel's appartment," She said casually, squirming excitedly at the fact that she had just said that.
"Hey Rach, It's Monica," Came Monica's voice from down the line. She sounded distressed, and Rachel wondered what was the matter, "Listen to me, you have to come down here."
Rachel blinked. "Right now? Why?" She said, puzzled.
"Because Erica's driving Chandler and I crazy," Monica said quickly, and for a moment Rachel thought she could hear the sound of a bawling baby in the background, "Just come over as quick as you can, okay? You can bring Ross, and Emma - just, whatever, okay? Come over, and quickly!"
Extremely confused, Rachel lowered the phone, rolled over, and began to shake Ross, "Honey? Honey! Wake up!" She hissed, shaking him violently.
"Wuzzat?" Ross murmered, rolling over to face her. He grinned sheepishly, "Oh, hey Rach. What's wrong?" He added, noticing the look on her face.
"Uh, Monica just called and wanted to know if we could come over," Rachel explained.
"Well, tell her we can't," Ross mumbled, snuggling close to her.
"Yeah, okay - she didn't exactly give me a choice, Ross," Rachel said, "She said she was having trouble with one of the twins, 'sounds like she needs our help with something."
"Aw, why couldn't she have called Phoebe or Joey?" Ross said, frowning slightly.
"Ross! Look, we're Jack and Erica's Aunt and Uncle! We can't just -" Rachel began, but Ross cut her off.
"Woah, woah," He said slowly, staring at her, "We're not Jack and Erica's Aunt and Uncle. I mean, we're not married, are we?"
Rachel suddenly blushed boiling crimson. "I - I guess not. I just, I thought maybe one day we would be ..." Her voice trailed off and she looked away from him, a sudden thought occuring to her, "Unless, you don't expect us to last?"
"Rachel! Of course we're gonna last," Ross said soothingly, putting his arm around her, "You're not having second thoughts, are you?" He added, sounding suddenly anxious.
"No!" Rachel said, glancing at him oddly, "Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Well, you just said -"
"Just stop talking." Rachel said loudly, cutting across him.
---
To Monica's relief, Ross and Rachel turned up at the house at around twelve o'clock, just in time for lunch. Also, to everyone's great relief, both Jack and Erica were asleep in their crib, which was currently stationed in the lounge, just incase.
"Thanks so much for coming, you guys," Monica said, hugging both Rachel and Ross briefly and closing the front door behind them, "It's been a nightmare. Erica just won't shut up!"
"I can't hear anything," Rachel said, glancing around and looking nonplussed.
"Yeah, just wait," Monica murmered, as they entered the lounge. Then, as if on que, Erica's small eyes flew open, and she began to scream.
"Oh, I guess I see what you what you mean now, Mon," Rachel said loudly, covering her ears, "But It's not as if I'm not used to this kinda' thing. Here, let me hold her for a sec, In about two seconds I'll shut her up. I do this with Emma, watch."
Obliging, Monica picked up a helpless, squirming Erica, and handed her to Rachel as though she were an atomic bomb. Rachel glanced at the baby oddly for a moment before raising her into the air. Then, she began to sing.
"I like big butts and I cannot lie! You other brothers can't deny! And when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get -"
"What!" Monica cut her off, grabbing Erica. Then she froze, and realised that Rachel's method had actually worked. "Wow, Rach, I ..."
"See? It does work," Rachel said indignantly, crossing her arms and frowning.
"Yeah, It's just - Isn't it a bit, well - offensive? I mean, before Ross tried it you used to hate that song," Monica said, glancing uncertainly at Erica.
"Well, I guess I don't now," Rachel answered, "And guess what? I even gotta' smile out of her, too."
Glancing from a grinning Rachel to a grinning Erica, Monica realised, "Oh my god! Erica - you're smiling! And laughing!"
---
Later, Chandler and Joey returned to the house, accompanied by Phoebe. "So, how d'you think Monica's gonna have coped with the twins whilst you'd been gone?" Phoebe asked, glancing around the house, seemingly with interest.
"Well, I didn't do much to help from the start, so ..." But Chandler stopped, Phoebe and Joey stumbling behind him. There, right before his eyes, was Monica and the babies, along with Ross and Rachel, who; if he wasn't much mistaken, were chanting a certain rap song in unison and dancing around allover the place.
"Wow, now there's somethin' you don't see everyday!" Joey remarked, gogiling at them, "So uh, where's my sandwich?" He added in an undertone to Chandler, who promptly buried his head in his hands.