The One With The Crazy Man
As the sun slowly began to rise into the pale blue sky, Chandler Bing wandered out into the cold, morning air, which made him reel slightly. He was carrying a large bag filled with garbage, and was about to set it down when he suddenly jumped, and stumbled, falling flat on his back.
Winded, but managing to keep control, Chandler sat up and glanced at the man, or 'bum', who was laying on the top of the porsche, and studied him silently. The man seemed to be stirring and, sure enough, he suddenly sat up, cried out and then looked round. "Oh, hey there sparky."
---
"Monica, can I talk to you for a second?"
Monica glanced over her shoulder in surprise. There stood Chandler, looking white and also livid. He was breathing rather heavily, and Monica raised her eyebrows. "Um, what is it honey?" She enquired, feeling uneasy.
"What's wrong? What's wrong? What isn't wrong!" Chandler blurted out, storming past her into the lounge.
"Uh, If you just told me what was bothering you I'm sure I could be of some assistance?" Monica said, following him, "What is it? Is it the paper boy thing again?" She added, rolling her eyes and frowning, "I thought I already explained it to you, Chandler. Use the force!"
"No, It's not the paper boy," Chandler said fiercly, "Listen - there is a man sitting on our car!"
Monica blinked at him. "What?"
"Go look outside if you don't believe me!"
Monica said nothing, but wandered over to the window, and glanced out of it. Then came a shrill scream that made Chandler jump out of his skin. "Chandler! Why didn't you just tell me about this as soon as you walked through the door! Go get rid of him!" Monica said shrilly, advancing on him.
"Okay! Okay!" Chandler said hastily, hurrying out of the room.
---
"Um, sir?"
The old man glanced at Chandler. His face looked withered, he looked tired, and was wearing a dirty green overcoat to keep himself warm. "Yeah, sonny? What's up?" He said gruffly, blinking rapidly.
Chandler hesitated. "Well, the thing is - you kind of need to get off our car. Right now." He said quickly, not looking the man directly in the eye.
"Why's that? I was just having a nap, sonny," The old man answered, glaring at him.
"Oh, well ..." Chandler cast around for some words, "Why don't you come inside with me? My wife'll surely make you up a bed or something, and you can stay for dinner, and ..." He sighed, "Possibly stay the night, I guess."
The old man looked delighted. "Well, this is too much. Thanks alot, sparky!" He said and, chuckling, he got down from off the top of the porsche, careful to make a dent in one of the doors.
---
"You said what?"
"Come on, Mon, he's got nowhere to go," Chandler said earnestly to her.
Monica sighed despairingly. "Okay, but just one night! Then he's outta here, okay?"
"Okay."
---
"Hey, Pheebs!"
Phoebe jumped and spilled coffee down her front, "Joey! That's the third time you've done that this week!" She said, glancing sadly down at her lap.
Joey looked slightly uncomfortable, "Uhh, sorry Pheebs. But guess what? I gotta' audition for a play!" He said, hopping about on the spot in excitement.
"Wow, Joey, that's great! It's been a long time since you've been auditioning for stuff," Phoebe remarked, setting down her mug, "So, what's up with that? I mean, you always used to go for auditions, but now you only go for them once in a blue moon!"
"Well, I guess it's kinda' hard now that Estelle's died," Joey said, looking sad for a moment, "And anyway, I'm okay, really. I'm just ... takin' a break right now, that's all."
"Joey, you've been at this acting thing for a long time now. Don't you think it's time you tried something new?" Phoebe suggested.
Joey flinched. "What? But you know I can't do anything else but acting, Pheebs! It's all I know!" He wailed, "I mean, what am I supposed to do? You've shaken my courage, Pheebs, shaken my courage!"
"I just think that It's time for you to move onto new things, try something new for a change," Phoebe said, looking startled, "I mean, you're a great actor, don't get me wrong -" She seemed to hesitate before saying this, "- But I think it's time for you to move on. Why don't you put an add in the paper or something? Somebody's sure to hire you."
"Wow, Pheebs ... I guess I never thought about it that way before ..." Joey said, looking uncertain for a moment before brightening, "Okay! I'm gonna put an add in the paper this afternoon, and see if anybody wants to hire me!" He stood up and prepared to leave, but then glanced at Phoebe again, staring at her intently, "Thanks alot Pheebs, that pep talk of yours worked really well!"
"Yeah well, okay, yeah," Phoebe said, grinning at him, "Now what are you waiting for? Go, Joey, go!"
Stopping to grin at her one last time, Joey headed out of the coffee house, and dissapeared down the street. Then Phoebe sighed, rolled her eyes and went to order more coffee.
---
Later on that evening, Monica was striding down the hallway to the bathroom. Yeah, a long hot bath was what she needed. Dinner had been the most awkward affair; that old guy who'd just suddenly walked in on her and Chandler's lives seemed to be trying his best to make them feel as resentful as possible.
But now she had the chance to unwind, feel relaxed, and what was more, she could write little messages on the condensed mirror reminding Chandler to wash his hands before ever leaving the bathroom. Smiling, Monica opened the door to the bathroom and went inside.
And promptly let out a scream, and ran back out again.
"That guy has got to go!" Monica said loudly to Chandler, closing in on him and gritting her teeth, "All I ask is for a nice, hot relaxing warm bath. And what do I get? Okay, I asked you - What do I get!"
When Chandler finally realised that she was asking him, he shrugged and swallowed. "I - I - You got a man in our bath?"
"Yes, Chandler, I got a man in our bath. And you know what else? He was showering!" Monica boomed, hands on her hips.
"You mean - ?"
"Yup! I saw it all!"
Chandler sighed. "I'm so sorry, Mon. I just - I just felt sorry for him when I saw him up on our porsche. He just seemed like a really lonely guy."
Monica stared at him. "Chandler, you only just met him a few hours ago." She breathed.
"Yeah, well ..." Chandler shrugged, "I guess I feel like I'm connected to him in someway. I feel like we're both the same, in a way."
Monica seemed to be in a daze, and staring incredulously at him, "What? In a daze? Oh, right ..." She started angrily, "Just get rid of him! I can't stand that guy!" She said exasperatedly and, mumbling to herself, she stormed out of the room.
---
"Oh? That's great! ... Yeah, thanks alot man ... Yeah, okay, bye."
Rachel waited impatiently for Ross to finish talking on the phone, and when he did, started on him eagerly, "So? D'you have the night off?"
Ross sighed. "Yeah."
"Oh, that's great! You never get Saturday's off!" Rachel squealed, beaming at him, "So ... where exactly will we be going tonight?" She added, glancing at him seductively and grabbing his hands, giving them each a squeeze.
"Uh, well Phoebe and Mike already asked us to go to the coffee house with them, so ..." Ross glanced at Rachel uncertainly, "That's okay with you, right?"
Rachel didn't answer for a moment, but then shook her head, "What? Oh! Of course, Ross, you know I love Mike and Phoebe ..." She stopped suddenly, smirking, "And I know that you and Mike love eachother, too."
"Hey, he kept making snide remarks!" Ross barked, turning away from her and shaking his head, "So, moving on swiftly," Rachel laughed as he said this, "Is it really okay? I mean, we could go somewhere a bit more fancier but I just thought you'd like to get to get together."
"Yeah, it's fine," Rachel said, smiling warmly at him, "So, I guess I'll just be off to get ready."
"Okay," Ross said as Rachel wandered off to her room to get changed, "Don't take too long, okay?" He called after her.
---
As Chandler paced the living room area, he went over in his head what he would say to a helpless old man of whom he predicted had just wandered over to his home off the street. How could he really deny the guy of a night with a roof over his head for a change? It was horrible. But, then again, so was Monica.
She was watching him, her evil eyes studying him beadily. Trying not to look at her, Chandler wandered over to the couch and threw himself down, switching on the television. However, he could still feel Monica's presence around him, and continued to feel uneasy.
"Remember, as soon as he's outta that bath, he's outta here," Monica continued to remind him, walking past with a sly look on her face, "And afterwards, I'm definately cleaning that bath!"
"Yeah, okay Mon. But, d'you really think we should do this? I mean, I just feel really bad telling him to go," Chandler said, glancing at her and sighing.
"He's an old tramp, Chandler," Monica said absently, walking around him and beginning to dust the curtains, "He's got no place in this tidy, this very clean house. And besides, he'd probably end up scaring Jack and Erica to death."
At that point, however, screams could be heard from upstairs. Monica's eyes snapped back towards Chandler, who instantly leapt up. The two of them made to rush out of the room, but just then the man appeared in the room, wearing nothing but a towel, and clutching their toilet flush.
"Skagawoasitatyoho?" He bellowed, the toilet flush clenched in his fist.
"Uh, you were saying?" Monica said through gritted teeth to Chandler.
---
Later on, Ross and Rachel entered the coffee house, to find Phoebe and Mike already there waiting for them. "Hey, you guys! Come on over here!" Phoebe called, smiling at them and waving. Obliging, Ross and Rachel went over to the other couple and sat down beside them. "Mike, you remember Ross and Rachel, right?" Phoebe enquired to Mike, who nodded and shook them by the hand.
"Oh yeah, I remember Ross alright," Mike said, glancing at Ross with no emotion whatsoever.
"Yeah, Mike and I have - uh, alot of prviate memories, right Mike?" Ross answered, smiling at Mike, who nodded.
"Private memories, right ..." He said bitterly, rolling his eyes and taking another sip of coffee.
"So, all of us are here now," Rachel said, glancing uncertainly at the guys, "Why don't I order us some coffee, and we'll talk about - stuff."
"I can't wait," Mike said, smiling at her.
"Okay! Alright," Rachel said, her lip curling and without further ado she went off to get their coffee.
Half an hour later, nothing much seemed to be happening. The atmosphere in the room was immensely dull, as Ross and Mike sat there twiddling their thumbs idly, whilst Phoebe and Rachel crossed their arms, frowning at how unbelievably ignorant their men were acting.
Thankfully, at this point, Joey chose to burst into the coffee house, clutching a newspaper with him. "Joey! It's Joey!" Phoebe practically screeched as he came in. When people began to stare, she cleared her throat and said, "I mean, okay, yeah, it's Joey ..."
"Hey ..." Joey began, glancing at Phoebe uncertainly, "Hey, you guys, check out the add I put in the paper today!" He said, shoving the paper right infront of their noses. "Pretty swell, huh?" He said, grinning.
Rachel screwed up her eyes as she read, "Joey Tribbiani, Italian actor, looking for anything else to do but act. Please hire me ..." Her voice trailed off and she raised her eyebrows, "Oh yeah, you'll really get hired with that, Joey."
"Really, you think so? Wow, thanks Rach!" Joey said gleefully, grinning at her, "Wait! I need to call Monica and Chandler and tell 'em! Hang on a sec ..." He said, punching Monica and Chandler's phone number onto his cell phone, "Hey, Chandler, guess what?"
"Yeah, Joey!" Chandler was saying, though rather loudly.
"Woah man, d'you have to speak so loudly? And what's that batterin' sound I can hear in the background?" Joey said.
"Oh, that's just Monica hitting something with a toilet flush," Chandler explained, "That's kind of her new hobby, y'know?"
Joey's eyes widened. "Oh-kay ... so anyway man, I just put an add into the newspaper, check it out!"
"You know, I'll hear it later Joe, 'cause right now I'm trying to drive a crazy man outta' my house!" Came Chandler's voice booming down the line. Then came a loud cracking noise, and the sound of a door slamming. "Actually, forget what I just said, he's gone now."
"Uh, okay. So anyway ..." Joey began, and launched into the very exciting story of how he recently put his add into the paper.
---
"Hey, Joey!" Phoebe said, coming into his appartment and closing the door behind her, "I just saw Monica and Chandler. Man, I wonder what's up with them? And why's Monica scrubbing the bath harder than usual?"
"Oh, they just had some crazy guy in the other day," Joey explained to her casually.
Phoebe's eyes widened but then she nodded, "Oh! That explains it," She said, grinning at him, "So, what are you doing?"
"I was just waitin' for somebody to call about my add," Joey said, sighing sadly and glancing at the phone, "But nobody has yet," He added, grumbling.
"Don't worry, Joey! Somebody's bound to call about it in an hour or so," Phoebe said, smiling at him, "Anyway, I have to go now. I'll see you later!"
"Yeah, bye," Joey mumbled as she left.
A few hours later, nobody had called. "Yeah, acting really is the only thing I know ..." Joey said to himself and, grinning, he went to call his friend Matt to see if he still had a shot at that audition.
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AN: Awfully sorry that everything's being updated ever so slowly. The next chapter should be up in a couple of days. Untill then, hope you enjoyed this one!