Catherine:
I knew that I was pretty; I heard it all the time from Sam Braun who seemed to spend far more time visiting my mother than a married man should. I was nine before I realized that he was married and I was just becoming curious why he kept coming by when he had his own family; had two boys who were constantly on the go.
For some reason, he thought I was special; he thought my mother was special.
My mother told me that a nine-year old girl like me shouldn't waste her time poking her nose into books when my looks were what would get me ahead in life. Pretty girls could ride through life on someone's arm with just a smile and a toss of her hair. My mother drilled that into me and I believed her. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe that the reason she'd never gotten the fairytale ending to her life was because she wasn't pretty anymore. Surely if she was pretty enough, Sam would have married her instead of his wife and then he could be my dad. It was all my mother's fault I didn't have a father.
I didn't know who my father was and my mother wouldn't tell me. There was something in me that wondered if the reason she wouldn't tell me was because my father didn't love me; didn't want me. When you're young, you think everything is your fault. I never considered that maybe the reason that I didn't know my father was because he didn't want my mother; at least didn't want her enough to make an honest woman of her.
When I found out that Sam Braun was my father, it made sense, but it also completely pissed me off. What kind of father helps his daughter get her start in life as an exotic dancer where men paw and grope hoping to cop a feel for a little cash? Dancing was just one step above turning tricks and deep down I knew that. My world was pretty twisted. I can admit that now. I think in many ways the reason that I ended up with Eddie was because he made me feel special; made me feel like I was something and that was something that I so desperately wanted. I never had a father to make me feel special; mine exploited my mother and in turn he exploited me. He knew that he was my father, even spent time with me over the course of my entire childhood and never once did he admit to me that I belonged to him.
I'm glad for who I am today. I'm a stronger woman for having left Eddie for cheating on me. Life isn't easy. I'm raising my daughter alone; my sister and my mother help me when they can; but I have so many obstacles to get Lindsey over. You see, all those lies I started believing when I was nine; I'm trying to keep from seeping into her mind, from keeping the course of her life from heading down a path of self destruction.
You see even when I was nine I knew that I was pretty, but I also knew that I was smart. I only hope that I can help Lindsey see that.