Disclaimer: So not mine.

Ashley Hammond/Astro Yellow: Andros is generally incredibly sweet throughtout the entire story. :P Hep B vaccines are for life? Then why the heck did I have to get three of them! (I hate shots.)

Jenny: Of course it was. :P But what else is he gonna do?

Chapter 21

Ashley glanced at the digital clock at her bedside as she slipped silently out of bed, her bare feet padding softly on the cool floor. The bright red numbers told her that it was nearly eleven thirty, but sleep still eluded her, as she suspected it would for the remainder of the night. Exhausted as she was, sleep was not something that she looked favorably upon at the moment. Asleep she was defenseless against even herself, and the continual onslaught of nightmares had been growing steadily worse as tomorrow approached.

The door slid open and then shut with a quiet, familiar noise that Ashley found somehow soothing. Leaving her room behind, she set off down the corridor. She had no real idea of where she was headed to; she only knew that she couldn't remain in her room for a moment longer.

Voices wafting down the corridor drew her to the glider bay, where Carlos and Zhane sat at a table piled high with midnight snacks. Ashley said nothing for several minutes, and simply stared at the back of Zhane's blond head, jumping when Carlos noticed her hovering near the doorway.

"Ash," he gasped. "You're going to give me a heart attack!"

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"Don't just stand there," Zhane admonished her, gesturing to the seat at his side. "Come in."

"No," Ashley protested. "I didn't mean to interrupt..."

"You're not," Zhane insisted. "Come on, get in here."

"It's all right, really," she muttered, but didn't pull away when Zhane jumped up and guided her into the room.

"Can't sleep?"

She shook her head no. "I don't want to."

"I can understand that," Carlos offered. "With the trial starting tomorrow and all..."

"Yeah," she mumbled. Zhane shot Carlos a warning look over the top of Ashley's head, gesturing for him to shut his mouth before he said something he'd later regret. Ashley remained completely oblivious to the communication that passed between the two of them and gazed blankly at a spot on the wall behind Carlos.

"Ashley?"

When she didn't respond to his voice, Zhane laid a hand on her arm, rearing back as she jumped. He hadn't frightened her, he realized. He'd just startled her. Narrowing his blue eyes, he leaned in, getting a good look at her face for the first time in days.

"Ash, when was the last time you had any sleep?"

Ashley shrugged her shoulders in reply. Zhane doubted she'd heard him in the first place. He sighed.

"Ash, go back to bed."

An instant shake of her head was the only reply she made.

"You're exhausted," Carlos put in. "You're going to need you're sleep."

"No," she whispered. "I can't."

"Nightmares?" Zhane questioned her gently, not surprised when she chose not to reply. "Deca, where's Andros?"

"No," Ashley said loudly before Deca had even the chance to respond. "No, don't tell him."

"Why not?" Carlos asked in surprise.

"Just don't," Ashley pleaded.

"But Ash - "

"No," she shouted, leaping to her feet. "You don't understand! I don't want him here!"

"All right," Carlos agreed quickly. "All right, Ash, we won't get Andros."

She calmed down slightly at that, and reclaimed her seat. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I just..."

"Ash," Zhane began carefully. "You do know that Andros - "

"I know," she cried. "Whatever you're going to say, I know. He loves me. He'll never leave me. He won't judge me. I've heard this already!"

"I didn't mean - "

"I know you didn't," Ashley said in a somewhat calmer tone. "But I... I just can't see Andros right now."

"Why not?" Carlos glanced at her curiously. "If you don't mind me asking..."

"Because I don't want to need him that much," Ashley muttered. "I don't want to run to him with my nightmares and beg him to never leave me. I don't want to be that helpless."

"You wouldn't be," Zhane protested, but Ashley wasn't in the mood to listen.

"Yes, I would be," she cried out. "I'm helpless without him and I know it, but he doesn't need to know it. It's bad enough that he'll be there with me tomorrow. I don't want him here now."

"If you told him not to go, he'd stay," Carlos pointed out, but Ashley shook her head.

"No," she said. "I need him there. I just don't want him there."

"Ash, you're not making any sense," he protested, and she sighed, rubbing her tired eyes.

"I need Andros there," she repeated slowly, trying to sort out her own thoughts as much as she was trying to explain her feelings to them. "Just being in the same room with him... it keeps me calm. But... I don't want myself to depend on him that much, especially when I know he doesn't want to be there."

"He wants to be there for you."

"I know he does," Ashley admitted. "But he doesn't want to spend the next few weeks or months listening to all that. I don't want him listening, but I need him there."

"Ash, the rest of us would go with you if you wanted us to," Carlos said quietly.

"I don't," she mumbled. "I love you guys, but it was hard enough to tell you that I was raped. If you guys were there while I'm being asked all these questions... I don't think I'd be able to answer them."

Zhane's eyes finally cleared with understanding. "So that's it," he said, half to himself. "You're ashamed."

"Don't tell me not to be," she pleaded. "It's not that easy."

"I know," Zhane sighed.

"But Ash," Carlos added. "You're not any less of a person because of what he did to you."

"I know that," she admitted. "Sometimes. But I just keep thinking... why didn't I fight him? That hurts worse than anything, knowing that I let him."

"You didn't," Carlos protested. "It was the only way you could protect yourself."

Ashley laughed bitterly. "You think I was protecting myself by doing nothing?"

"Yes."

"Then why couldn't I have protected myself by fighting back?" she demanded angrily.

"He would have killed you." Zhane's response was instantaneous and Ashley's head snapped in his direction. The usual laughter was gone from his eyes as he continued, his voice low and grave. "He wanted you badly enough to risk everything, and if you had fought him off, he would have killed you either out of spite or just to keep you quiet."

"Y-you think so?" she asked shakily.

"Yes," Zhane said calmly. "And I think we'd all rather know you the way you are than not know you at all."

Carlos nodded his agreement. "Ash... just knowing you has made all our lives better."

"It has?" Ashley manged to say before she became to choked to speak.

"Yes," he said vehemently. "You've saved all of us, not just Andros, and we can't help but love you for that."

"I love you guys too," she whispered, swallowing hard.

"Hey, come here," Zhane said gently, opening his arms to her. Ashley rushed over to him, burying her face in his shoulder as her tears began to flow. He held her without a word, simply letting her cry into him as long as she needed to.

"What's going on?"

"Andros?" Carlos spoke, letting Ashley continue crying silently. "What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't sleep," he said, although his appearance implied that he had been asleep - several times, probably. His hazel eyes settled on Ashley, whose face was still hidden against Zhane's shoulder.

"Ash?" he asked softly, approaching her tentatively. "What's wrong?"

"Andros?" Raising her face as Zhane released her, Ashley stared at Andros for a moment before turning to glare accusingly at Zhane, who shook his head.

"I didn't call him," he said softly. "Good night, Ash."

"Yeah, I think I'll go to bed too," Carlos added hastily. "I'll see you in the morning, Ash."

"Wait," she said suddenly, hugging him hard. "Thank you."

"It's nothing, Ash," he insisted. "Good night."

"Night," she echoed softly.

"Ash?"

"I'm all right," she said quietly, not protesting as Andros wrapped his arms around her. "You can go back to bed, if you want."

He hesitated. "I'll go if you want me to."

Ashley sighed, the warmth of his arms around her soothing. "I don't," she admitted. "But I don't want you to stay, either."

"Then I'll go," he said softly, releasing her and stepping away. He turned to go but stopped, surprised to feel Ashley's hand on his arm. When he turned to face her, his heart nearly broke at the torn expression on her face.

"Andros, I need you," she whispered. "Don't go."

He said nothing but pulled her into his arms even as she finished speaking, overcome with a sudden hatred of himself. She shouldn't have had to ask him to stay, not when he knew how much she needed him and how much it had cost her to make the admission.

"I won't leave you," he promised. "But I think you'd be better off in bed, Ash. You're exhausted."

"I can't sleep," she muttered.

"You should try," he insisted gently, but she shook her head.

"No."

"Then you should at least lie down," he said. "Please?"

Reluctantly, she nodded. "If you'll stay with me."

"Of course I will," he said softly, leading her through the Megaship back to her room. He crawled into bed beside her and drew the blankets up over them both, holding Ashley close as she tried in vain to prepare herself for the morning.