Larry Brotter and the First Book
It was a horrible and muggy morning at 465787 Pervert Drive. This was a typical day in Little Whining, which is a place near England or Scotland but if you shut the hell up I won't have to kill you! Mermon Burdsly was an ugly, foul-mouthed, obese little man with brown hair and a bushy black moustache that made him resemble a garden gnome version of Adolf Hitler. Mermon was the owner of this particularly dull, neglected house that looked as though if you concentrated on it hard enough it would collapse.
The obese guy rose from his bed. He staggered slowly to the door, reached his arm out, turned the door knob and with a quick jolt crumpled to the ground and went tumbling down the frail stairs. Mermon's body did this a lot because the job he acquired was what he liked to call a scientist, but in reality was a science "guinea pig". He also was a pimp on Wednesdays, just for a bit of spare cash. Mermon would get jabbed by so many needles in one day the he would make Kate Moss look like a drug addict, oh crap she is (nothings wrong with Kate Moss's drug addiction I'm just saying).
After half an hour or so Mermon awoke and walked to the kitchen to meet his wife, Pentuna and his son, Bubley. Pentuna was standing over the stove with drops of sweat dripping into what looked like bacon and eggs. The lady was wearing an outfit that would only be worn by a very cheap hooker. She had dark brown hair, a huge Adam's apple, was tall, skinny and was especially flat it looked like they went inwards (she used to take a lot of steroids).
Mermon walked over to Pentuna kissed her on the cheek and said in a very bitchy tone "Where's my dinner, bitch?" and then pushed her to the floor. As Pentuna got to her feet she spoke trying not to over-react "Your standing in it, you bloody FOOL!" Mermon looked down at his feet, and there it was, his plate full bacon, eggs and deep friend tomatoes. He took off his shoe and licked off chunks of scrambled eggs that were stuck in the grooves of his cheap Crazy Clarks shoes. After realizing what he had just done he threw the shoe to the ground. "Why the hell did you put it on the ground you BITCH?" Mermon said with a loud roar with drops if tears trickling down his round face.
"I put it on the ground for Bubley to eat. He was so hungry and he hadn't eaten much. He had a chocolate bar, 2L chocolate milk, chocolate pop-tarts and a chocolate covered hash brown. I didn't want to starve the child," Pentuna said while bursting into tears. Mermon held her and tried to comfort her. "Why do I have to share with him? You know how much I hate our child. If you weren't so bloody stupid I wouldn't have to yell," Mermon spoke trying to remain as calm as he could. He really wanted her to make him another plate so he didn't want to piss her off.
Without a word, Pentuna picked up the plate scrapped the remaining food into the bin with her bare hands. Impatiently waiting, Mermon tapped his fingers on the bench. "I'm hiungery," Bubley said to his dad. He tugged on his pants until Mermon got up and threw the baby into the fan. There wasn't much blood but Mermon was happy that he wasn't pissing him off. Everyone acted as though this was normal routine in the house.
After Mermon had finally eaten his breakfast he set off to work. He had to walk because they had lost there car to the local Indian Casino, I mean African Americans. Mermon was almost at his work when he saw a bunch of teenagers wearing strange outfits. Mermon thought that it was that gab and lesbian festival. All the teenagers were wearing clown costumes. They were talking about someone called Brotter so Mermon began to listen. "The Brotters were murdered by I-think-I-know-who, oh except for Little Larry," said one teenager to another. Who on Earth were the Brotters, Mermon thought to himself and why did he care?
He looked at the teenagers and one was eye fking the shit out of him. He walked slowly towards the girl, strutting his stuff. "Hey weirdo, I mean sexy beast, want to get in the back of the car?" Mermon said in a girlie voice. He started winking at the vigorously as though he was joking. The girl somehow transformed into a guy. "Even better," Mermon said while licking his lips as though he was a dog drinking out of its bowl. The teenagers giggled and walked away shouting out things "stupid fuggle" and "bloody fat uggle".
After a gruesome day at work and only earning three dollars for putting on lipstick that made your lips catch fire. Mermon walked home which was horrible because Mermon didn't like walking. He was absolutely stuffed so he used the pay he got that day to catch a bus home, even though his house was 5-10 meters away from his work.
When Mermon finally got home he sat down on the couch (he had stolen from lifeline) and stared at the wall and drifted off to sleep. The weird thing was that he didn't even give his wife a beating. He was so nice to his wife (lucky bitch!).
The next day, Mermon woke up to the TV turned on with a bizarre report on the news about the Brotters dying. "Who the fuck are the Brotters?" Mermon continued to ask himself out loud. Mermon decided to get up and ask if his wife Pentuna knew. He gave her a quick beating (a black eye or two) and said while drying the blood off his knuckles "Do you know who the bloody hell the Brotters are and their child, Larry?". Pentuna dropped the lemon she was squeezing in her eye (she did that a lot). "The BROTTERS? My sister married a guy with the last name Brotter and gave birth to a kid named Larry! I watch the video sometimes when I'm lonely," Said Pentuna while drawing graphic pictures of a woman giving birth. She began shaking so much that she began to suffocate Bubley (he almost died). She threw Bubley to the ground and ran up the stairs, tripping on every second step. She hid herself under the covers until all her fears went away.
-
It was around one o'clock in the morning when a disturbance came around along Pervert drive. There was a small figure that pulled out what looked like a cigarette. After the strange figure finished smoke its cigarette it removed a sniper. It carefully aimed at on of the street lights. BANG. The strange figured slapped itself on the head in angst. Then it pulled out a silencer and attached it to the gun. It shot out every light in the street.
There was another movement in the street; it was outside 465787 Pervert Drive. That other movement happened to be a snail. It went on the road and with its trail it spelt the words "FUCK YOU!" The strange figure moved over to the snail and with a smile crushed it with one quick movement. "Bloody snails," the old man wearing a purple clown outfit and extremely gay star shaped glasses (he resembled Sir Elton John after sex) uttered underneath his breath, shaking his head in disgust.
A light shone behind him, the light getting bigger and bigger. The man unveiled it to be a bus. "Holy Shit!" the oldie shouted and army rolled to the side of the road. The bus stopped right in the middle and the oldie began to quiver like a little bitch. His heart racing faster and faster until the car changed its shape. "G'day Ampus Rumblemore," said the unknown thing calmly. The oldie rose to his feet and dusted the dirt off his clown costume. "Oh, it is just you. I thought you were an actual bus Professor McGetagall," Ampus said trying to clam down. Professor McGetagall was fairly attractive for someone over 80 (I mean I'd totally do her). She had light brown hair, a pink clown costume and donkey faced glasses on (Like the ones you'd wear at parties or to impress someone).
Ampus Rumblemore had sweet gray dreadies (dreadlocks) and a beard that was platted to make him look more masculine but failed miserably. "Ampus, what are you doing here I thought you had a bikini wax scheduled and one?" The hot professor said. The old man stood tall and proud and flash the m.i.l.f professor (I hope she is anyway) bearing his shaven nipples. "It's alright professor I had it taken care of yesterday, nothing to worry about. Luckily I did it yesterday because the staff revealed to be nerd eaters and they could have put the dark mark on my vagina," Ampus said confidently. The professor scrunched up her face as though she had given birth to a red apple. "You mean penis don't you?" said McGetagall trying to correct what Ampus said. "No, vagina. Anyway, I came to tell you that the rumors are true and the Brotters are dead, dust, corpses, dead like my aunt Fanny. Larry however has somehow survived and we must leave him in this dump until he is of age to go to Bogwarts," Ampus said so wisely (even though he isn't). Bogwarts is a low budget school for witches and wizards just incase you didn't know. "But he will be the most famous boy in the world. I've seen these people and they are fuggle little bitches," the professor said, now starting to get angry.
The word uggle is what witches and wizards call non magic folk dancers, when they say fuggle it means fucking non magic folk dancers. Ampus is the Headmistress (He is male he just thinks mistress will get the ladies) of Bogwarts and McGetagall is the head of Grottydoor house and teaches Transfiguringation.
The two talked about cock fighting (no I'm not talking about penis's I'm talking about chickens fight for their lives. Why do you have to be so immature, GOSH?) And comparing breast sizes for an hour or so until they finally realized that they were talking about something important.
"What are we waiting for?" Asked Professor McGetagall. Ampus looked up into the sky to see if the answer was up there (unfortunately it wasn't). "Agrid is coming to drop the baby off so Larry can live with the Burdsly's," Ampus said to the professor. "Can we trust Agrid with a baby, what about his gas problems?" asked McGetagall. "It'll be fine; I trust Agrid's gas any day. I sometimes store it in jars to smell later. I think I'm addicted to it. Oh well," Ampus said while revealing his patch to stop smelling Agrid's gas.
It wasn't till five o'clock in the morning when Agrid arrived on his flying trike (Three wheeled bike used by toddlers) holding the baby in his arms. Agrid is a giant with black hair and wears leather clown costumes (He likes the feel of it) and some times carries a whip in one hand.
The trike hit the top of a house with a crash. The baby went flying out of Agrid's hands and into a random's house, smashing the window. Agrid however landed perfectly. "Are you glad to see me?" Agrid asked Ampus. The professor and Ampus was absolutely dumbstruck. Their mouths were as open as they could and a bit of drool was running down Ampus's mouth.
Ampus pulled a stick out of his underwear and screamed "Comehereyoulittleshit," pointing it towards the window Larry was thrown through. The baby magically flew towards the stick. Ampus caught it and look to see if the baby was alright. There was a lot of blood but it didn't look as bad as he believed. With a quick flick of his stick (not wand, do you want me to get sued? Well do you?) And a couple of fancy mumbo jumbo and the blood disappeared. "Was that there before Agrid?" Professor asked pointing at the huge scar on Larry's face. "No, it must of happened when he went through the window," Agrid said. The scar was huge and it looked like a fuggle science equation, EMC²! The three of them huddled around and put there heads together and whispered furiously until one of them shouted. "I've got it! Let's just tell everyone the Nerd Vandumart gave it to him when he tried to kill him," Agrid said, feeling quite proud of the extraordinary suggestion he came up with.
They group put their hands in and made a pact that they would never tell anyone. "It's time," Ampus said while walking to the Burdsly's house. He placed the baby at the front door in a nice baby basket. Agrid was sobbing loudly (It's very surprisingly that no one has woken up to this racket) into his freakishly large handkerchief.
In the basket was a letter that read,
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Burdsly,
I have taken your dear child Larry, meet me at the central park tomorrow with one thousand dollars and tell no one or the child will be seriously injured, maybe even a carpet burn. Now that I have your attention I am actually writing to say that you are Larry's legal guardian and it is true that you must keep him, FOREVER! If you do not, I will have to kill you with a plastic fork, if you are lucky I'll beat you to death with a thong. A thong from Crazy Clark not and piece of clothing, in case you were wondering.
P.S.I peed in your garden and should be cleaned immediately.
Yours truly, Ampus Rumblemore
The three people walked off into the distance and were never to be seen again until another chapter or so.