The Fear
Life on the island as I know it just ended.
Well, that's dramatic. Um… turned upside down, more like it. But then again, it wasn't really up seeing as it started with surviving a plane crash, and…
Ok. So not the issue in hand.
This morning everything was so simple. I was hanging out with Charlie and Hurley, playing golf. In comes Jack and of course we had to turn our flirty bantering to a golf rivalry. And then Sawyer, and his injury, and his – what I hope were hallucinations – jeez. What a day.
And then there was Jack. And then there was me having a complete meltdown right in front of him. And then there was Mr. Perfect once again, not failing. God. I wish he could screw up just once. Nothing major, just… a slight fuck up. Just to make me feel like I'm worthy for him. Like I deserve him.
My memory takes me to the first time we met, on the beach. He said he doesn't even know my name, and I answered 'Kate'. For the past 2 years, I have never answered Kate. But there was something about him, something that told me it's ok to trust him. And I was so right.
Trust him to pick me up when I'm down, trust him to comfort me, trust him to trust me. So I kissed him. He's always been there for, always showing how much he cares for me. That, and I may have the ultimate crush on him. Ugh, this sucks. I hate unrequited love. I mean, it isn't unrequited, it's just… different kind of love. He loves me like I'm his younger sister – which blends well with the 10 year age difference – and I love him like he's the man of my life. I haven't felt that way since Tom, and with Tom… it ended up being best friends forever.
And when you love someone like she's your baby sister, you definitely won't be chasing her after she kissed you and left. You'd be giving thanks she left, thus leaving the idea of something might happening.
As I come to acceptance, I hear someone jogging behind me and suddenly stopping. I freeze. Could it be…? The person slowly approaches after a few seconds and sits next to me on the ground. I don't even need to turn my head. I could feel his presence anywhere. My "big brother".
We sit in silence for a few seconds. Until it gets almost awkward. This is too much for me, I'll talk – whatever it takes – there should be no awkward pauses between us. There never were and no reason for it to start now.
"I was counting." I say and immediately clear my throat.
He turns his head to me, almost surprised.
"'Till 5." I add.
He still looks at me, not replying.
Oh my God. He must not get it. He doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about. He's probably thinking by now "good Kate, I was counting till 5 at kindergarten". Jesus.
"'Cause you only give the fear 5 seconds." I continue sounding a bit disappointed.
He doesn't remember.
"This is stupid." I mutter getting off the ground and starting to walk away.
"You ran." He says which causes me to stop. I turn to him and see him looking back at me, for the first time since the kiss we lock eyes. "Why did you run?"
I stare at him quietly for a few seconds. God, those eyes. I can close my eyes and still picture them perfectly. Those soft eyes, always so caring and worrying.
"Because the fear crept back. And got the better of me." I explain.
He hesitantly begins to draw closer, and I – almost instinctively – start to back off.
And the look he gives me next is a one I'll never forget. Hurt, disappointment, fear… and aching. That's the same one I thought he gave me after the kiss. Maybe I was right.
I stop my backing away and he stops getting closer to me.
"Forget it, you don't even know what I'm talking about." I murmur and turn around.
"First time we met." He immediately calls out and I stop yet again. I smile inwardly and turn around. "First time we met, when I asked you to sew me, you were terrified. So I tried to ease it for you."
'And you did', I think to myself.
I sigh heavily.
"Well?" he asks and I just bite my lip in respond. He tries drawing closer again, and this time – despite my constant impulse to run, I stay put. "I just don't want you running away again."
"I'm too used to doing that for promising you I won't." I respond tiredly.
"Can I ask you something?" he asks stopping an arm length away from me. I nod. "Why were you afraid?"
Why was I afraid. The 64,000$ question. I was afraid you'd pull away, I was afraid you'd look at me funny afterwards, I was afraid of messing up this incredible friendship I've formed with you for the past 50 days. But most of all, I was afraid that if you don't feel the same, I'll still be walking around head over hills in love with you, and have not a damn thing do about it.
"Um… I was afraid you'd take it the wrong way." I confess.
What I meant was, I was afraid that if I'd kiss him after that meltdown he'd think I've mistaken love with comfort. But from the look he gives me, I can clearly see he got it the wrong way.
"What?" he asks quietly.
He thinks the exact opposite. He thinks I kissed him for being there, and that I take it back, fearing he might have thought it meant I like him.
"No, no…" I quickly shake my head, "I didn't want you to think I was confused, Jack. This was something I've been meaning to do for every day in the past 50 days."
His face softens and I can see a smile beginning to form on his lips.
"…But I've got trust issues." I continue and his smile fades. "And I knew I've been letting you down, constantly. I needed you to get me, trust me, before I could act on my feelings. And when you held me like you did… even though I've said the stupidest things to you, I knew I can trust you. I knew that from day one, but this time I knew I can trust you trusting me."
"Kate…" he starts tiredly and draws even closer, so that our faces are only inches apart, "I've trusted you since the moment I met you. I mean, when you ask someone – with no prior medical experience to sew you up and she says yes, without even knowing you – you can tell she's trustworthy. There are a lot of things I don't know about you, about your past, but that never stopped me from trusting you. Even when you lied to me about the keys, that never made me stop trusting you. There's just something about you… so pure and honest… I still can't believe there's an ounce of malice in you."
"Oh, believe me…" I roll my eyes.
"But that doesn't matter anymore." He interrupts me, putting his hands on my shoulder. "Everyone gets to have a new life, remember?"
I nod, lowering my head, chewing even harder on my lip. 'Cause that's the only thing that stops the tears from falling.
"Good." He whispers moving his hands from my shoulders to my face, cupping them. "'Cause Kate, I lo…"
"Don't." I interrupt him placing my hands on his chest. God, good to know I'm not the only one whose heart is about to burst off her chest.
"Why?" he asks painfully.
I hate the fact that I manage to hurt him on so many ways, in such little time.
"Because…" I start bringing my hands to his face, "it'll make it harder if you'll go away."
"You're crazy, you know that?" he asks lowering his hands to my waist.
"I've heard rumors." I smile sweetly.
Even though it's only been like 30 minutes since I last held his face, I've missed it. The most amazing feeling ever.
"no, I mean…" he starts wrapping his arms tightly around my waist, "you're crazy, 'cause… why would I ever leave someone I'm in love with?"
That bastard. He slipped it. The 'L' word. And it never made me melt like it did just now. Maybe 'cause I never felt the guy telling me this meant it. Until now. I only hope he knows I feel the same way.
A small sigh of content escapes my lips.
"God, I've missed you." He whispers to my ear, "I've seen you every day in the past 50 days. I hardly know you. And I missed you like mad lately."
"Good." I answer barely catching my breath.
It's kinda scary. That I can't even breathe normally around him.
He faces me again, looking at me straight in the eye. I get so lost in his penetrating eyes that I become completely unaware to the rest of the world. The next thing I feel is his lips crushing against mine. I'm kissing Jack again. I was wrong before. This is the best feeling ever.
Soon enough I feel his tongue finding access to my mouth, and then massaging my own tongue. Have I mentioned perfection yet? I feel my back pressed against a nearby tree, assisting Jack's body to clutch closer to mine. Momentarily his lips pull away from mine, only to find the nape of my neck. I lean my head further against the tree, allowing a silent moan to escape my lips.
Jack then drags his lips once again from my neck, finding their way back to mine as he cups my face. My fingers dig through his broad shoulders and I push him slightly pulling away.
He looks at me confused and I just smile with reassurance before kissing him again.
Life on the island as I know it just ended.