Under the Influence

Eight: The Power of Want

"Of course, my parents, may they rest in peace, never realized that 'Kendall' was a stupid name," Kendall rambled as he sat with Ruthie, who was completely silent, beside him on the bench in front of the Camden home.

Ruthie had forgotten what it felt like to be held by someone who cared about her, but the comfort came with a price. A rush of unwanted emotions rushed back to her and the serenity she felt while lying in Brian's arms vanished as soon as he let go. Never in a million years would she feel like she couldn't fend for herself without her boyfriend, but now that she had seen him again, she yearned for him, for his touch, for his arms around her, for his warming smile. It must have taken death to prompt her feelings.

"The kids at school teased me relentlessly, called me 'Ken Doll'. Ooh, I just wanted to-"

"This isn't fair," Ruthie loudly interrupted, throwing her hands up in the air. Kendall watched her, confused and surprised at her sudden outburst.

The expression on his face angered Ruthie even more as she knew he would go off on how it was rude to interrupt someone.

She dramatically rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you were tormented as a kid, I'm sorry that you were named after an eight-year-old girls' toy! But you know what? One day, I'm just fine. I'm minding my own business. And then the next thing I know, you're invading my room, telling me that I'm dead and in limbo!"

"I wasn't actually named after-" Kendall muttered.

"This isn't fair!" she screamed. "I mess up once in my entire life and this is what happens? There are more people in this world who have done way worse things and they get to live! Why is that! Is it because I'm Ruthie Camden, the Minister's Daughter? Am I not allowed to make mistakes!"

"Everything you do has consequences. It doesn't matter who you are," Kendall replied, feeling his own anger level rise.

"There are other things that I could have received as a consequence. I could have just been grounded forever, but no. I had to die!"

"Do you even realize that for the past five minutes of complaining, you've only shown concern for yourself? Do you even realize that the moment you got into that car, you were a danger to every single person on the road?"

"Oh, what would you know about it?" she demanded, knowing he was right, but not wanting to give in to him.

"Everything." Kendall got to his feet, towering over this tactless teenager, and stared her in the eye.

Ruthie laughed. "Sure. And how did you die, Mr.-I-Know-Everything? Were you some sad teacher with a love for a woman that you knew you couldn't have so you took a chunk of your worthless time to write a long, tragic letter to her before popping a few pills and chugging down a bottle of cheap alcohol?"

Kendall's cheeks were red-hot with rage. "Actually, I was a highly qualified surgeon who was killed by someone like you!"

Ruthie's heart skipped a beat and could feel her eyebrows furrow.

"That's right, Ruthie Camden. I was killed by a drunk driver and that is exactly why I was sent to you," he said, lowering his voice. "Apparently, you didn't have enough sense in your brain to listen to your brother who loves you."

"Simon," she whispered, instantly feeling lower than dirt.

"Yes, and thanks to you, he is desperately failing at coming to terms with your death."

Ruthie bowed her head. "'Thanks to me'," she repeated under her breath.

"He loved his family – you – more than anything else in the world. Yet, out of everyone, you were the one that could read him like a book. He felt the most comfortable around you more than anyone else. And now that you are gone, he has no one."

Ruthie looked up at Kendall, tears glistening in her eyes. "Kendall, I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have talked to you that way."

The man smiled. "Well, thank you for the apology."

She nodded. "I wish there was a way that I could tell that to Simon too."

"If you want it badly enough, you can."

Ruthie froze. "What?"

"Dad, I'm okay," Lucy reassured her father as she poured him a cup of fresh coffee. "Really."

Eric smiled and took a sip of the steaming caffeinated beverage. "I just worry about you. I never know what you're thinking because I haven't talked to you since…" he trailed, unable to finish.

Lucy rested a hand on her father's shoulder. "I know. And, to tell you the truth, I've been avoiding you because of that. I was scared to talk to you."

A confused expression crossed Eric's face. "Why? I'm your father. You know you can talk to me about anything."

She sighed and sat in the chair next to her father's. "I know, Dad. At that time, I wasn't ready to accept Ruthie's death and since you seemed to handle it so well…. I just wasn't ready." Lucy averted her gaze to her hands in her lap.

"Lucy," Eric called her attention. "I haven't been 'handling' your sister's passing well at all. Maybe I seem like am because I deal with these kinds of things all the time."

"So…it was an act?" she asked and Eric nodded.

"I cannot tell you how many times I've asked myself what I could have done on my part as a parent. I haven't gotten a consecutive eight hours of sleep since I got that phone call."

Lucy nodded. "I know what you mean, but ever since I talked to Kevin, I've been doing better."

Eric glanced to his left. "The flowers?" he asked, looking from them to his daughter.

She smiled. "Yes."

Eric took another sip of coffee. "Maybe I need to talk to Kevin."

Lucy laughed. "I'd better get in the shower. I'm actually going to go down to the church this afternoon."

"I was just on my way over there. If you want, I can hang around and give you a ride."

Lucy kissed her father on the cheek. "That would be nice. Thanks."

A chilly breeze blew straight through her translucent figure as she walked through the cemetery. Along with hoping to run into Simon here, she wanted to see her new home for as long as the world shall exist. As a child, she was always kind of disturbed by the whole cemetery deal, and now that she was buried in it, it wasn't so bad. After all, her grandmother Jenny was buried near her, which supplied some sort of comfort.

She found her grave marker without much trouble and slowly made her way towards it. Ruthie hadn't thought this would be as hard, but she was oh, so wrong. Her stomach churned as she scanned the shiny gray stone. Engraved was:

Ruthie Renée Camden

Beloved daughter, sister

You are missed deeply

In God We Trust

R.I.P.

December 28, 1989 – August 5, 2007

All she could think about for the first minute that she stared at these words was, "That must have cost a lot of money." (Money that the Camdens certainly did not possess.)

A sudden sound snapped her back to reality and she whipped around, the fact that she couldn't be seen not a comfort to her, although she didn't quite understand why she felt she had to hide. Simon was making his way through the cemetery, pushing the branches of the willow trees aside. She pulled herself up off the ground and swung around to the back of the tombstone so that she and Simon would be face-to-face.

Simon kneeled down and occupied the indents in the grass Ruthie had made only moments before. He seemed to be tracing nameless patterns through the short, green stalks. After a few moments had passed by in silence, Simon sighed.

"Okay, um, I don't really know why I'm here. But it's you - and Gibson told me to so here I am." He paused. "It's been quiet without you. I don't think anything will ever be the same. The boys miss you. They asked me the other night when you were coming back. They don't understand completely that you aren't, even though mom and dad have explained death to them a million times."

Ruthie closed her tearful eyes and concentrated, balling her hands into fists.

"How badly do you want it?" she heard Kendall's voice break through her thoughts.

"I want it more than anything," she replied out loud. She dug her fingernails deeper into her skin.

"Please," she cried. "Please let him see me."

"You have to want it with all you heart to get it. You have to have no desire for anything else in the world."

"Please," she sobbed. "Please."

Ruthie threw all of her strength into breaking the barrier of the two dimensions with the power of Want and realized that she had never sought after anything more than this – to be seen – in her life.