For all you Merlin Conspiracy fanpeople: Terribly sorry I haven't gotten to work on my "untitled" story. I've been working on it, but haven't been able to finish the next chapter. So hopefully this'll satisfy you for the meantime. Ta da – a Harry Potter-y, Voldemort-y, peanut-butter-and-jelly-sandwich-y, funny, REAL one-shot sort of fanfic.

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, characters don't belong to me, blah, blah, they belong to J.K. Rowling, blah, blah, OK, read on…

Voldemort was hungry. Being an evil genius can take its toll on your stomach. And when you're the Dark Lord, most café owners don't like you popping in for a cappuccino and poppyseed cake – they seem to think it scares away business. And besides, Voldemort didn't want a cappuccino. He wanted… a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"Wormtail!" Voldemort yelled. "Get me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!"

Wormtail Apparated, knees shaking. "I-I'm s-s-sorry-, m-my L-lord, b-but th-there's n-no p-p-peanut b-butter a-and j-j-jelly l-left!" Wormtail stammered, sounding a lot like Quirrell.

Lord Voldemort cuffed him. "Then go get me some, you incompetent mummy's-boy nappy-wiper rat-tailed scuffling stupid fool!" Wormtail hurried off to do as he was bid, wishing – not for the first time – that Voldemort was nice and kind and kept pink fluffy bunny rabbits.

(Well, actually Voldemort did keep pink fluffy bunny rabbits. They were his evil killer pink fluffy bunny rabbits of DOOM!)

Wormtail was scurrying around looking for peanut butter and jelly, but as soon as they saw his sparkly silver hand, the shopkeepers shut up shop. Wormtail wailed. At this rate he'd have to make his own peanut butter and jelly.

So, that's what he did. Luckily, Wormtail found some butter someone had left in a little plastic thing on the ground. Then he Transfigurated into his rat form and stole some peanuts off an unsuspecting old lady in a green dress and a vulture-topped hat who tried to hit him with her big red handbag and then yelled at her grandson, who appeared to be called Neville. "Neville, catch that rat! The horrid thing stole our peanuts!" Neville, a round-faced boy, looked down at where she was pointing. "But Gran… there's no rat there!" This was true. Wormtail had scuttled down into a convenient sewer. Then he un-Transfigurated back into a human.

Meanwhile, Lord Voldemort was thinking of new ways to annihilate Harry Potter and make it look like an accident. He had evil-plotter's block. The best thing Voldemort could come up with was squashing Harry in his peanut butter and jelly sandwich – which Wormtail was taking a while to deliver.

Wormtail squashed the peanuts into the butter once he was sure Neville and his Gran had gone. It didn't look quite like peanut butter, but it would do.

Then Wormtail squished some grapes on top of the mixture and spread it on some bread. Perfect.

Five minutes later, Wormtail Apparated back into Lord Voldemort's secret hiding place. "Here you are, my Lord!" Voldemort scowled. "I don't want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich anymore! I want… a large roast chicken!"

Wormtail groaned.

Author's note: I really hope you don't want more. It's too stupid. Fun to write, but stupid.