5: Lonely

By: Princess Sassafras

Notes: Quatre's POV.

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Why can't we just? What is stopping us? Do I imagine that look in his eyes; is it a mere reflection of what must be showing through in mine. Am I too hopeful?

I tend to let my thoughts run away with me, but they have never led me to a dead end. Over a seemingly-impossible hurtle maybe. But never a dead end. Please, dear God, don't let this be a dead end.

I still believe He has a sick sense of humor.

Months pass and still my mornings are brief and lovely, and my days stretch on in a lonely haze. So many people and still I feel lonely. It is funny…but I feel the most alone when I am with Wufei, but the least lonely. Strange that those words share no meaning with each other after all.

Why can't I touch him? Why can't I just say, when I am with you I am satisfied for the first time and yet interminably dissatisfied? Would he think me insane if I said it? I am not very bold in this. I hope that it's another one of those seemingly-impossible hurtles— that it's just that, and nothing more. I'll find myself on the other side in his arms, and will laugh at myself for such past frustrations.

In his arms.

What a thrill it gives me to think it. Sometimes when I am truly alone I whisper it to myself. And then I hate myself for it; what if this road takes us far apart? Our lifestyles are dangerous enough. And he may not be one to even tolerate the affections of a man, however close they may have become. It is still uncertain. My life is uncertain; I should be used to it by now.

I am unwinding from my day, the quiet loneliness settling over me like a cold sheet. This is the only other quiet part of my day. Bedtime. But I'm not tired, not in the least. And even though he won't be there, I want to drink tea on the balcony, just to give myself that feeling. I do so sometimes, and it helps me ease my mind, and sleep comes more easily.

I'm still in my work clothes, minus the belt, the dress shoes, and the overjacket. I walk down the hall in my socks, my feet and my torso grateful to no longer be constricted. I make my way into the huge kitchen and start to make tea. I take it with me up the three flights of stairs—a small feat—and onto the balcony.

The sky is black. I breathe the fresh air. It's wonderful again.

"Can't sleep?" His voice startles me, but my subconscious tells me that I knew he was there all along. His face seems sharper in the moonlight, and steam rises from his cup. "If I had known you wanted any, I would have left the tea out."

"It's alright," I say, still trying to slow my heart down. "We drink a different flavor anyway."

He nods mutely, and returns to staring at whatever he was staring at before I arrived.

"Where are you looking?" I ask.

"At a memory." I can see a slight smile forming by the shadow in his chin.

"Penny for your thoughts. Actually I could spare a million dollars."

His smile widens.

"You're insufferable, Winner…" This comment pleases me. "But I'll tell you anyway. I was thinking about the day we met."

"Oh?" This comes as a surprise. I myself had never tried to travel that part of memory lane. "Refresh my memory, then."

He pauses. "I remember thinking…that braided one has a big mouth, and I never spared a thought for Yuy or Barton, but…I remember thinking 'Why on earth is that elegant looking man piloting a mobile suit for a living? He should have a career in politics or movies.' I didn't even know you were rich at the time."

"Would you have thought any worse of me if you had?"

"Wouldn't have mattered. I would have gotten to know you, and changed my mind. I have, you know."

I smile wryly. "Well, I'm glad you no longer think I'm a rich snob."

"You're a very cunning, occasionally imposing, rich snob."

"Ew."

"Oh, but I forgot endearing."

I can feel my face reddening, and I'm very glad it's dark. He must have sensed it anyway, because he falls silent. We stand that way for some time, finishing our tea and staring at Memory.

But reality takes hold. "I should get some sleep."

He turns to me. "Yes, you should. Your day starts much earlier than my own."

I let go of the railing regretfully and turn toward the doorway. "Goodnight, Wufei."

"Wait." He puts a hand on my arm. Another thrill passes through me. "Let me walk you there. You're on the way."

I can do nothing but nod and smile.

He takes our cups into the kitchen, and walks me down the hall, his shoes and my socked feet keeping time on the wooden slats. We are silent, and for the first time it is driving me mad. I cannot think of anything to say, and I desperately want to fill up the silence.

We come at long last to my door, and without even thinking I step over the threshold before turning around. It was an accident, a beautiful purposeful accident. His eyes catch mine like flame to tinder. I knew it was going to happen, and I let it. I'm letting it.

"Wufei…" I reach out and touch his arm. The Journey has led us here for a reason. I have topped the hill and here is the man I have hoped would be here with me. I stomach my fear, and reach for hope.

My grip on his arm tightens as I look into his inscrutable black eyes.

"Wufei, kiss me." I meant that to be a question, but it came out a direct order.

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