Well, here it it. A slight insight into the inner world of our dear professor McGonagall.
Oh, and about her appearance; when I read the first HP book (years ago) I somehow confused the description of Minerva McGonagall. In my mind she's therefore always had auburn hair, not black as it really is in the books. So it became auburn in this story as well. I hope you'll cope) And I hope you'll have a slight oversight with my grammar. English is my third language and though I try I don't always get it right.
And THANK you so much for your reviews! There is no better inspiration in this world!
Please, please keep writing! It's Christmas in june)
Love from Jellicos

Chapter three: In the head of Minerva McGonagall

There where shards from the shattered vase all across the floor beneath where it had hit the wall. She wondered if anyone had heard it, but then she really didn't care. There wasn't much at all she cared about right now. Damn it! How could she have lost it so? Sitting there crying like a little girl. At least she'd waited for Hermione to leave before shedding her tears this time. Oh, dear. Hermione!
She buried her face in her hands for a moment as if the gesture would make it all go away again. Her poor student must have thought she was completely insane. And she probably was. Oh, god. How could she have let things get so out of hand? How could she have dropped her guard so completely? Had she learned nothing?

Tormenting herself wasn't helping much so Minerva reached for her wand and swiftly reasembled the vase she had just broken. It looked like new, which in itself was kind of ironic seing how often she'd smashed that very same vase into pieces these last years.
With some effort she walked into her bathroom. One look in the mirror was all she needed to fall the last few steps to the bottom. She looked twohundred years old. At least. True, she was no schoolgirl anymore. The years had taken their toll on her appearance. But with puffy, red eyes and hair dangling loose from what used to be a bun on her head, she looked a mess. One minute of splashing cold water on her face did little good, but her mind seemed a bit clearer now. What on earth could that beautiful young woman se in her? It was so completely beyond her, yet she knew it had to be something. Because however strange it looked to her, Hermione Granger seemed to have some sort of misplaced feelings for her.

The easiest way would be to remove the temptation. But how could she end their tutoring sessions? As much as she hated to admit it, those few hours meant more to her than she cared to admit. And yet they pained her as much.
That sweet face, those burning hazel eyes. She couldn't bare it. And she was not about to let those memories back up.It had just about broken her completely when- No!
She banished all thoughts about the past. It was over. The problem at hand was how to deal with Hermione, or rather her own feelings towards the young woman.

It couldn't go on like this. Hermione had a way to break through all of Minervas defences. And even if she detatched herself from all emotions completely, it all came flooding back the second their eyes met. Oh, that kiss... No. She wasn't allowed to think like that. Disregarding for a second that the woman was her pupil, there was no way she would ever allow herself to become that vunerable again. She'd done a good job at building walls around her, keeping all feelings at bay, not leting anyone close. Only Albus knew. She'd never told him, but the headmaster had a way to see through everyone. Even her. And now there was someone else who could.
Minerva cursed her weakness bitterly as she made her way to her quarters. She knew there was no chance she would get any sleep this night, but there was not much of an option.
Entering the school grounds would only force her to socialize with her collegues, and she was in no mood to be polite.
She had to figure out a plan. Some way of coping with what was happening.

Their lips met once again and she gasped as a tounge slid between her parted lips. She returned the kiss with such hunger that she for a second was affraid she'd consume her lover. But her hunger was met with satisfaction and a soft hand ran up her face to loosen her hair from the tight bun on her head. As the soft hands tangled in her now loose hair, her own started to explore the warm body pressed against her own
A Hogwarts shirt fell to the floor and as her hands started to feel their way towards the firm but ample breasts, her light touch was met with soft moans.
"Oh, Minerva... I want you..."

Minerva was smiling. It was just before dawn and she was squirming in her sheets of pleasure. Halv awake, still holding on to the dream. It had been so long siince she'd had that dream now. Maybe that was the reason it had intensified so. Why her longing, her deep acing for it to be real was so much stronger than it had been all those years ago. She was reluctant to let the images go. It had changed somewhat, the forms, the colours, the deep desire. But she could care less. Those hazel eyes, the feel of those red, wet lips to hers, tangling her hands in that unruely brown hair...
At once she was awake, sitting upright and frozen in her bed. Fuzzy, brown hair, hazel eyes, that voice... Oh, bloody hell! She knew the face in her dream all to well. The dream had been so much different because it wasn't the same dream at all. The reality of what she had just woken up to was too much. She had just been dreaming about Hermione Granger.
Within seconds she was standing in her bathroom, splashing cold water on her face. It was becoming a regular ritual by now.
How could she?
Damn it, she was not going through that again. Not now, not ever!
And with the war closing in on them with such force she was sure that history would be repeated if she even thought about giving in to her desires.

No. It was not worth it. There was nothing in this world that would make her go through that again.
Yet she knew she could not bare to loose those precious moments where she could just watch the intelligent young witch and let her mind wander just a little. That was the whole reason she'd suggested that she'd tutour Hermione, knowing full well that her star pupil was more than capable of handling whatever difficulties she had herself.
It was hard. No doubt about that.
Every time Hermione seemed to find a way right through her defences. Minerva didn't know what hurt the most; The feelings that rose inside her for the first time in so many years, or that desperate longing she was determined never to satisfy. She'd been so closed of since it happened that feeling all those sensations rushing through her body was not just frightening, but down right painful.

Would it kill her to take this chance?
Probably.
Did she care?
She wasn't sure anymore...

Minerva McGonagall changed into her robes within minutes, her hair in the same strict bun as always. As she went down to the head table in the great hall for breakfast, she still did not have a plan.