2005

GRAVEYARD SHIFT

CHAPTER 17 -Showtime-

Did you know that:

The tiny poison arrow frog has enough poison to kill over 2200 people?

Zelgadiss danced enough to work up a thirst. His dance partner had disappeared into the murky depths, so he took it upon himself to order up a drink for himself. His eyes roved over the tables where kids were sipping drinks and munching on assorted treats, looking for ideas. He couldn't help it; he was seduced by the colorful drinks.

"May I help you?" asked the young waitress.

"Ah... sure. I'd like one of those." Zelgadiss pointed to a tall glass of poisonous blue.

"A Blue Lagoon? Sweet. Would you like this delivered to a table?"

Zelgadiss was stumped a moment, then noticed an empty one not far away. "That one, please."

"Okay! I'll be right back with that drink, sir."

Zelgadiss slipped into the stone-look booth flooded with pleasure at his first independent move on the adult club scene. He didn't wait long before the waitress returned with his order. "Here ya go, and I brought you an order of nachos and 'skins'."

Zelgadiss paid for the drink and accepted the house munchies with some degree of apprehension. He waited until he was alone to examine a 'skin'. He was relieved to find an absence of pores and hair; it was a fried potato peel, very good and very salty. The drink was cold, sweet, alcoholic, and gone in three long swallows. One drink couldn't quench his thirst, so he ordered another, and another. Somewhere in between, he consumed a basket of pretzel sticks and bowl of salted peanuts, and then the third drink hit him.

"What's that? Valgaav jabbed a finger at the just-emptied glass at Zelgadiss' elbow. He fell heavily into the seat opposite.

"Blue La-goon," Zelgadiss muttered. "No, that was the first one. This was... Orange...orange..."

Valgaav sniffed the glass, "Orange rum, orange Curacao, pineapple juice, orange juice, which might make it an Orange-utan. That's my guess. You're going to be sick."

"I already am."

Valgaav directed him to the men's room and told him he'd check in on him later. "Novices."

After emptying his stomach the hard way, Zelgadiss started feeling better. He washed his face and hands. As he reached for a towel, a scribble of wall graffiti caught his eye. On first glance what he saw read like a personal, but an incomplete one. The ones below that were equally odd:

Harass selfless Sarah!

Did Dean aid Diana? Ed did.

Eva, can I stab bats in a cave?

Zelgadiss felt for poor Sarah, wondered whatever became of needy Diana, and hoped Eva had told her friend 'no.' Next, his eyes lit on what had to be some bad menu ideas which, when set to music, would make a disturbing song:

Was it a rat I saw?

Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.

Taco cat.

tug a gut

tuna nut

Tie it.

A nut nosed itself; it stifles tides on tuna.

Elk cackle.

Bird rib.

At sap time, remit pasta.

Doc, note I dissent: a fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

He was staring at the literary wall, when his cousin walked in, and asked, "How's it going?"

"Better. What are these?" Zelgadiss asked.

"Palindromes. You know, the line reads the same way backwards and forwards." Valgaav reached over Zelgadiss' shoulder and pointed out a triplet. "I put these up."

Lepers repel.

Devil never even lived!

Too bad I hid a boot.

"Really? That is so cool. I've read all kinds of things in men's rooms, but nothing like this."

"Well, what you have here is a belletristic college crowd. Look over here. Guess who wrote these?"

Zelgadiss read through them twice:

Top spot.

Drawn inward.

'Til lips spill it.

Sex often; I met foxes.

Dew on roses or no, wed.

"Xel, right?" he guessed.

"Yeah, with his one-track mind. So, you want to dance or something?"

"Or go home. Just a minute, I got one!" Zelgadiss found the felt marker everyone else apparently used resting on a ledge above the towel dispenser and wrote:

I prefer pi.

I'm aloof: a fool am I.

"Cool," Valgaav said appreciatively. "Those are really pretty clever, considering."

Zelgadiss smiled. "Yeah, considering. You know, I think I'm coming here in fall– the school, I mean."

"You think so?"

"I've decided. I'm going to college this fall."

Valgaav met his eyes, "Okay, so am I, then. Forensic anthropology."

"Forensic chemistry for me." Zelgadiss said with certainty.

They shook on it and walked out of the men's room.

Xel wrapped an arm around Lina and pulled her nearly into his lap in the back seat of the car. Jillas and Gravos were up front discussing how they were going to show everyone that they 'can't be denied!' when they showed up at the Cavern. "How're you doing?" he asked.

"Tired, or I will be when the adrenalin wears off. You're going to be sore." She caught him with his eyes open and said in a low voice, "You did some amazing stunts tonight. I was impressed, and I can tell you, I'm not easy to impress."

He hugged her firmly and rubbed her arm. "Gods, I wish I could kiss you right now."

Lina pretended to not hear. "Your face isn't so bad. I think the cold and wet kept the swelling down. The lip is...pretty nasty-looking, for sure."

"I'm sorry," Xel said meaningfully. "It wasn't at all what I had in mind for our first date."

"Date? That wasn't a date at all."

"I know, but I'd like to take you out, Lina, on a real one. Any place you'd like. Sky's the limit."

Lina liked the flying. "Teach me to fly. You can do that, can't you Doctor Flyboy? You gotta license to do that, right? I wanna fly."

Xelloss smiled, as best he could. "Learning to fly will take many lessons, and time."

"I'll squeeze it in somehow," she said with a yawn.

"Okay," he murmured into the top of her head. "Me, too." He closed his eyes and gently stroked her hair. He was tempted to touch more, but curbed his baser appetites in a moment of wisdom. He had to be satisfied with long, lustful glances from the curve of her hip to her thigh, following the edge of her skirt from leg to leg, and then continuing down her shapely legs to her toes and back up. Look, but don't touch, he reminded himself.

Lina dozed off a few minutes and awoke to the sounds of traffic. "How much farther to this club place?"

Jillas checked her out in the rear-view mirror. "I'm looking for a parking spot. Nice legs. Gravity-butt, you notice the hot redhead in back?"

Lina tugged at her short skirt and shimmied away from the warm nest she had made in Xel's arms. Although it was summer, the high altitude Atlas City cooled dramatically at night, and it was two AM. She shivered and was angry at the crude remark which had made her self-conscious. "Keep your eyes to yerself!"

A few minutes later, they were pushing through the waiting throng outside the Cavern club. "Gabriel!" Xelloss shouted.

"Ohmygods, Xelly! Where have you been hiding yourself? Vally's here, and he brought the most precious creature you've ever seen. You can put on a show, can't you? The quality of acts has really sunk lately. I think our popularity will start dropping off..."

Xel waved him to silence. "Yeah, I can tell from the crowd wrapping around the corner that we're really suffering for customers." He nudged Jillas and Gravos through the door and gently guided Lina past the watchful, savvy eyes of the door men. "Don't worry, I'll watch those two. And this is Lina Inverse."

"Charmed," Gabriel murmured and bowed to her. "She's adorable, Xelly."

"I think so," Xel agreed.

"Ohdeargods! Your face! Oh...! Spauld, I've got to take a break and fix this man up. You'll be okay? Shall I send out Prill or Eddy to help?"

Spauld, a man of few words, shook his head and moved to fill the doorway with his massive form.

"I can touch up some of that... I have the perfect little quarter mask... Oh, now there's Vally and his toy! I'll tell the band. This will be wonderful! It is 'Trans nite,' of course."

"Zelgadiss?"

"Lina?"

Both friends were startled to see one another: Zelgadiss, because he hadn't expected to see Lina at all, especially not accompanied by Xel, and Lina, because of Zelgadiss' makeup and attire.

"Zelgadiss, will you show Lina to a table in the band room? Lina, I'll be a few minutes, then I have a little show to put on, okay?" Xel asked her.

"Whatever. I could use a bite to eat if I'm going to be up."

"Order anything you like. Tell the waitress you are with Xelloss. And could you hold on to my bag?" He leaned in and whispered into her ear, "Keep it safe, please."

Lina hooked the strap over her shoulder and gave him a 'thumbs up' sign.

Xelloss continued, "Jillas, Gravos, stay with them." He was ordering the two other men like servants, and stranger still, they obeyed without question. "I'll see you in a few minutes, Lina," Xel said finally, then took a turn down a different hallway with Valgaav and Gabriel at his heels.

Valgaav unbuckled his chest harness and unzipped his kilt. "What style?"

Xel shook his head. "I don't care." He settled into the chair in front of the brightly lit mirror and closed his eyes, fighting pain and fatigue. "Before you start, would you get me some water, Gabriel?"

"Aitch-two-oh, coming up. You want a little wine with that, or something stronger?"

"No alcohol with acetaminophen," Xel called after him.

"Here you go. Pure water. The only thing pure in this place." Gabriel began dotting foundation over Xel's face, smoothing it as best he could to disguise the bruising. "I won't ask how you got this."

"You're right. You won't," Xel warned. He spilled out a couple pills and washed them down, drinking all of the water.

"This slutty school girl costume has a broken strap, so those are out," Valgaav announced as he pulled two costumes off hangers.

"Oh, damn," Xel muttered.

"Where have you been tonight, Xelly?" Gabriel asked as he sniffed his hair. "This smells like...bad, real bad."

"French maid with lacy aprons and head band? No? Tuxedos, right. I like the cheap, faux-diamond cufflinks."

"Oh, it's the snappy bow-tie part that I get off on," Xel joked, then to Gabriel added, "I rinsed it as best I could in the sewer, naturally."

"Orange it is!" Valgaav showed off the pairs of matching ties and shoes. "Good condition, still. Next, fishnets or back seam?" He held up several pairs of stockings to show Xel.

"Nothing having to do with fish, please!" Xel said sharply. Gabriel kneaded his neck and shoulders, and he relaxed, and then suggested more calmly, "How about those black ones with the roses. That's tacky enough. Ouch! Careful!"

"Sorry, Xelly. Sure you don't want to try the mask?" Gabriel asked. "These bruises are hard to cover."

"I'm sure. Grease up the lip well. That's going to be the problem. I don't want it to crack open and bleed when I'm singing. That's fine, Gabriel. No, no more makeup or I'll look like a whore."

"Isn't that the idea?" Valgaav chuckled as he let Gabriel latch the back hooks on the elaborate woman's boned corset with minor alterations to fit a man. "Two transvestite whores are we."

"Entertainers, Vally. Never forget your place in society," Gabriel reminded him with a slap to his butt. "Orange g-strings, where did those come from?"

"Personal effects. The locked box. You think I'd let anyone else touch our underwear?" Valgaav said. He soothed the stocking over his rough knees, up his thighs, and secured them with the corset's garters.

Gabriel smiled and shook his head. "Putting on some weight are we?" he asked Xel as he hooked his costume up the back.

"Hopefully. Our new roommate, Zelgadiss..."

"Blue guy, you met him," Valgaav elaborated.

"Gods, yes that incredible creature..." Gabriel gushed. "He lives with you, too?"

"And cousin," Xel said a tad louder. "He is a great cook and keeps us eating two meals daily. And forget him, Gabby. He, too, is thoroughly hetero."

"Okay, if you say so, you should know. Too bad." Gabriel stood back to examine the two men. "I've got the perfect black velvet rose for each of you." He clipped a flower in1 Valgaav's hair and then Xel's. "There, lovely. Okay, I'll go let the band know you're coming out. What song should I say?"

Valgaav and Xel exchanged 'I don't care' looks, and then Xel said, "Killer Queen."

"Perfect!" Gabriel chortled, and then skipped out.

When they were alone, Valgaav clamped a hand on Xel's shoulder and looked his cousin in the eye. "Something happened. Something worse than getting your face mashed in."

"I murdered a man tonight, Val, and right now I'd like to forget that."

Valgaav blinked, and then leaned over to readjust the strap on his shoe. For the moment, he would keep his thoughts to himself. "I hate goddamned heels."

"You always say that."

"That's because I always hate them."

"I like them," Xel said with a tentative smile at the corners of his sore mouth.

"That's only because they make you taller."

"They do? I thought they just gave my calves more definition. Well, I like them even better now."

The two costumed men parted, each to enter the stage from a different direction.

Lina narrowed her yes in the dim light and examined Zelgadiss' face. "You wearing eyeliner?"

"Just for tonight. So, where have you been? I thought you and Gourry were going out," Zelgadiss said.

"I went to Wolfpack Island with Xel. Now don't have a fit! It was a good thing I was along. He was gathering evidence for creepy stuff going on there in some secret lab that links all these murders with his mom, I think. Something like that. We saw these bodies, alive possibly, but like preserved fruit in these long tube things, then things got tight and we escaped, barely. We gotta talk about this all later."

Zelgadiss decided that Lina was pulling his leg and had no intention of reacting further to encourage her. "Yeah, whatever."

Lina's temper flared. "What do you mean by that snotty remark? You been drinking?"

Zelgadiss was saved from further abuse when the music changed abruptly. The lights dimmed, and then two spots found their subjects in the wings and followed them out onto the stage.

Gabriel darted onto center stage, grinning from ear-to-ear and waving a note card. "Kids and all you important, beautiful people out there... We have a very special treat for you tonight. For the first time all summer, well, first we have a man who needs no introduction. What he needs is a conclusion! However, he insists upon it. So let's give it up for Vally Rubyeye! And, yes, there's more! He has made anonymity a household name. He is clever and witty, and I could go on and on, except I'm having a problem deciphering his handwriting... Our club's owner, Xelly Metallium! Take it away, boys!"

Valgaav strutted out onto the stage from the left. Xelloss combined swagger and sashay as he entered from the right. The moment the crowd recognized the pair there was a roar of excitement, wolf-whistles, and cat-calls. They posed dramatically beneath hanging microphones, and then came a familiar instrumental introduction. Xel's strong tenor voice soared above the heavy metal band for a classy rendition of Queen's 'Killer Queen' hit:

"She keeps Moet et Chandon in her pretty cabinet

'Let them eat cake' she says just like Marie Antoinette

A built-in remedy for Kruschev and Kennedy

At anytime an invitation you can't decline..."

Valgaav added a tight low harmony with:

"Caviar and cigarettes

Well versed in etiquette

Extraordinarily nice..."

But the entire room joined them for the chorus

"She's a Killer Queen!

Gunpowder, gelatine

Dynamite with a laser beam

Guaranteed to blow your mind

Anytime!"

Lina and Zelgadiss gawked at their two friends. Their ability to combine two words into sensible thought, articulate, or even blink intelligently was wiped out completely.

The song was over and Xel had a hand-held microphone in his hand. "Hey, thanks, everyone. It is good to be back. And, ah... thanks, Gabriel, for that wonderful introduction. I wish I could figure out who you have me confused with."

The audience rumbled with laughter. Clearly, this was an unexpected, but thoroughly appreciated show coming up for them, and they wanted to encourage the two men as much as possible. Lina narrowed her eyes as she said to Zelgadiss, "The voice is right, so my brain tells me; that is Xel up there on the stage, but my eyes won't function to make him look right. That just can't be him in that costume! And Valgaav! Gods, how I wish I had a camera right now, or, alternatively, something sharp to poke out my eyes!"

Zelgadiss instantly scanned the area for any such sharp object and was relieved not to find any. "I'll just take another Orang-utan, or whatever, no... something not orange. What's opposite on the color wheel?"

Lina frowned. "What are you babbling about?"

"Let's see. Oh, yeah, I have some good friends here tonight I'd like to point out."

At the mention of 'friends,' Zelgadiss felt his heartbeat stop. "Gods, no..."

"There's my long-lost cousin, Zelgadiss, who is as honest as the day is long," Xel continued. "Sadly, he works the graveyard shift."

Heads turned and eyes shifted to the table front and center of the stage where Zelgadiss was hiding behind his fringe of wiry hair, Lina was staring blankly, dazzled by the lights and strangeness, and Jillas and Gravos were grinning and waving to all who cared.

"There's Gravos, behind him, who is a man who is ahead of his time, but let's not make a big deal over three or four minutes.

"And by his side is a man who is world famous in certain parts of the valley, Jillas.

"Any questions about the material so far? You'll be tested later in the evening." As the laugher died down Xel added, "Because, also seated at the table is the most amazing woman I have ever met. Strong and beautiful, the incomparable, Lina Inverse."

Lina was better prepared than Zelgadiss. She smiled wanly and fingered the torn edges of her napkin beneath an empty peanut bowl on the table top, wishing her hair didn't smell like the inside of a drainage pipe. She didn't meet his eyes. She blushed to see him up close with more skin showing than she wanted to see, and wearing more makeup than she ever had-- in total-- in her entire life.

"It's a fine night to have an evening, don't you think?" Xel asked Valgaav. They had maneuvered two high stools center stage, and Xel was now perched on top of one.

Valgaav shook his head as he hefted one foot up on a high rung of the empty stool, examined his friend from head to foot, and then asked, "Are you all right?"

"I'm not sure. I've had amnesia once or twice, I forget which. But right now I think I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

Valgaav laughed. This was an act he and Xel had put on many times in the past few years. The joke sequences varied in order, some were ditched, and often spontaneously generated quips took their place. He recognized where Xel was going with this line of jokes, and fell into the next line with ease. "Yeah, right. Is it time for your medication or mine?"

"As your doctor, I think you've had enough. Any more and you might have to go into rehab."

Jillas shouted out, "Rehab is for quitters!" He was getting laughs, too.

Valgaav continued the patter. "I had a friend who went into rehab. He'd gotten pretty bad."

"Oh, really? So, how bad was he?" Xel asked, playing the straight man for a change.

"Well, he tried sniffing coke one night and got ice cubes stuck in his nose." Valgaav waited for the audience to quiet down, and then said, "My only problem is sleeping. I think I have insomnia." He stretched and preened, showing off his rock-climbing-honed physique, which contrasted dramatically with the feminine attire.

Convinced that his only problem was with sleeping, made for a clever moment of farce. Zelgadiss chuckled into his hand. "Obviously, any guy wearing that get-up by choice on a stage with another guy dressed in matching clothes has some major problems."

Lina managed a shrug. This whole gig was beyond her scope of appreciation. Sure, she got the jokes, half of which she'd heard before, but it was allure of two guys-dressed-in-women's-underwear that eluded her. The audience, for the most part, was enthralled.

"Well," Xel smiled smugly and folded his arms over his orange tuxedo corset. "Any doctor worth his keep will tell you that the best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

Valgaav nodded and smiled slightly. "I guess doctors are important, especially for lawyers. One doctor, like you, can support several lawyers– fighting malpractice suits alone!"

Xel stepped forward and addressed the crowd, pointing at them for attention. "So, support a lawyer. Become a doctor." He laughed with them a bit, and then went on. "Yeah, I may be a doctor, but the girls still think I'm a fun-loving guy."

Valgaav rolled his eyes. "Oh sure, by which you mean it's fun as long as the relationship involves nudity."

"Not so at all!" Xel retorted in mock anger as if Valgaav had insulted him. "I can keep my pants on just as well as the next guy. I have a lot of respect for women."

Zelgadiss, who was paying attention to the act, groaned, "Give me a break."

Lina jabbed him in the ribs. "Zelly, shut up and catch that waitress. I could use more pretzels." She was irritated that she couldn't go out and dance and enjoy herself, but her body was exhausted. She was weak and her nerves were raw, and she had no one else to take it out on than her friend. "I wish we could go now," she muttered to herself.

Valgaav grinned fiercely. The audience laughed as Valgaav's eyes rested on Xel's clearly pant-free legs. "That so? Wasn't it you who wrote that message on the men's room wall: Wanted: meaningful overnight relationship?"

Xel frowned. "Hey, that was the public message board, not the men's room!"

Valgaav pointed at Xel, and mouthed, "Caught you!"

Xel smiled, but it was an evil one, and the audience was roaring with laughter at the two friends, even if they had seen the act a hundred times before. "As I always say: Forgive and remember..."

Valgaav raised an eyebrow and looked with curiosity down on his shorter friend. "I thought you always said: The world's full of apathy?"

"Well, sure, but I don't care." Xel flung his arms open with a chuckle. "I mean, everyone expects me to be perfect all the time. Only a mediocre person is always at his best."

"You can't seem to hold on to a single philosophy for long, Xel."

"That's for sure," Lina said loud enough for Xel to have heard.

It flustered him for a moment, and he nearly lost his momentum. "Er...ah...You think that's my problem? I mean, on one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other I'm not."

"Actually, on the other hand is a whole different set of fingers." Valgaav waited out the laughter before starting the next joke sequence. "So, did I tell you I met this girl the other day?"

"No, you did not, Valgaav. Did you ask her out?"

"Naw, I was thinking about it, but after talking to her awhile I could tell that she was just looking for someone to buy her stuff, take care of her, you know. She was very transparent."

"Speaking of transparent," Zel murmured behind a hand as he leaned into Lina. "He's been hurt. His face isn't right. What happened?"

Lina wasn't paying attention, however. She had tripped up a waiter and was trying to get an order of soda and peanuts out of him.

Xel turned slowly to the audience, stared directly at Lina, and remarked, "Anyone who says they can see through women is missing a lot."

The crowd responded with a mixture of groans and chuckles. They were eating this all up. Some of the kids had enough to drink to laugh at anything, and others were really fans of the two men. Lina had managed to catch Xel's eyes, grace him with a smile, and toast him with her hard-won drink. "Well, at least we know they're just making this stuff up and not telling real stories about their friends, or us," Lina said to Zelgadiss.

"School time!" Xel announced cheerfully, and the audience groaned.

Valgaav nodded and asked, "Ready for your grammar lessons?"

More moans greeted that news.

"Oh, now it's not so bad." Xel waggled his finger at the crowd. "Remember: 'syntax' is the only tax that doesn't cost money." He paused to let the laughter die down and then said to Valgaav, "You start, then."

"Okay, first, never use 'real' when you mean 'very.' You can see how the sentence, 'she is real stupid' shows you are very stupid."

Xel added, "That's right! That point was real important." Xelloss waggled his index finger at the audience, chuckling with them.

Valgaav agreed. "Sure was, Xel. Also, be sure to never split an infinitive."

"Or split the bill... Ah, so most people have problems with 'who' and 'whom.' For example," Xel moved into his upper octave to assume a girlish voice, 'Whom are you?'"

Valgaav completed the joke with, "... she asked with an air of correctness, for she had gone to grad school."

"That's right, Valgaav. Such information can be valuable! How about the mentioning the difference between 'don't' and 'doesn't' ?"

"Sure, Xel, I will. I mean, it's shocking to hear so many graduates say 'he don't care,' don't you agree? What they mean, of course, is 'I don't care.'"

"... and their grades prove it!" Xel laughed as he said it.

Valgaav continued, "Don't' use 'neither' when you mean 'either'. Either user neither correctly or don't use it at all."

Xel nodded. "And as a doctor I should warn you not to use 'either' if you mean 'ether' neither."

"Right again, Xel. So, what else have we got? Oh, yeah. Don't never use no double negatives."

"And triple negatives are even worse!" Xel said with a chuckle. "Not to mention the dreaded 'them-those' trap, right Valgaav?"

"That's right, Xel. For instance, don't write: 'them apples are rotten' if they are not. Which brings us to the last lesson: the crucial difference between 'lie' and 'lay.' If it helps you, remember it this way: the former takes no object..."

"As in: 'I lie in bed,'" Xel put in.

"But the latter must have one."

"As in: 'Lay that pistol down, mother!'" Xelloss shouted in mock horror.

"To lie means to express something not true," Valgaav said.

"While 'to lay' expresses something more urgent," Xel put in, and then exploded into giggles.

"That's true. So tell me, Xel, why is it that men get laid, but women get screwed?"

"I think it's partly because women need a reason to have sex, while men just need a place."

"I agree. Men have it easier in a way, but, still, when a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky, whereas, a woman already knows."

"Oh, brother, this place is filled with idiots. I can tell you what I already know," Lina said.

"What was that?" Zelgadiss asked her, although he knew perfectly well what she meant.

"If there's anyone with luck, it's me, so if that's what he's counting on then he's in for a rude awakening."

Zelgadiss smiled, thinking Lina could possibly be able to keep Xel in his place.

Valgaav interrupted the hoots and hollers of the audience, and Zelgadiss and Lina's muted conversation to say, "Which reminds me of another note I read in the men's room..."

"You do a lot of reading in that place, don't you?" Xel said with a wry smile.

Valgaav appeared exasperated. "At times. Do you want to hear it or not?"

"Tell on!"

"It went: Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion."

"Oh, that is good, Valgaav!" Xel laughed with the audience, and then changed topics. "Well, I saw something, but it wasn't written on a wall, is that okay?"

"What did you see?"

"It was on a t-shirt worn in Seyruun. It said: Finally 21 and legally able to do everything I've been doing in Atlas City since I was 15."

"Good one. Yeah, there's no place like Atlas City." Valgaav clapped with the crowd who was cheering its approval. They all loved their town with its lax rules. "Still, I'm glad we moved for the summer."

"Yeah, so am I. Better house, nicer roommate..." Xel nodded and smiled down at Zelgadiss.

Zelgadiss shrank lower into his seat. "Please leave me out of this."

Xel ignored him, or relished at making him squirm a little. "Yeah. Zelgadiss is great and he cooks great, too. Remember the crazy guys we lived with here in Atlas city last year?"

"Yeah, the one art student who designed synthetic hair balls for ceramic cats," Xel said.

"Oh, and that other nutcase who tried to rob a department store, with a pricing gun? He was screaming and waving that thing in the air: 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store!'" Valgaav had acted the scene out, waving a shoe instead. The crowd was roaring and clapping so loudly that Zelgadiss had to cover his ears with his hands.

"Yeah, he was nuts for sure. You know, I actually got a postcard from that guy the other day," Xel told him.

"Did I see it?"

"I don't know, did you?"

"Did it have a picture of our planet on the front?" Valgaav asked.

"That's the one. On the back side he wrote: 'Wish you were here.'"

"Well, I wish I wasn't," Lina muttered to Zelgadiss. "I'd rather be home in bed, asleep, and that's saying a lot because you know how I like to party and do stuff."

"It can't be much longer," Zelgadiss said without much conviction. His cousins were on a roll and at this rate they might continue for another hour. "They'll be in great shape for bowling tomorrow."

"Not tomorrow. Next day. This is now... Oh, crap, it's about 2:30 AM? The tournament's tomorrow!"

"Not to mention we have play practice tonight."

"So you can sleep late."

"Sleep sounds good," Zelgadiss said as he tried to pay attention to the show.

Valgaav shook his head, smiling at what Xel had said. 1"And he thought we were the crazy ones."

"How could he have thought that? It was nothing I gave away, I can assure you. My conscience is clear," Xel said, rubbing his palms together in a manner suggesting he was 'wiping his hands' of the matter.

Valgaav reminded him, "A clear conscience is a clear sign of a bad memory."

Xel sighed, then said, "Consciousness...that annoying time between naps."

"Sometimes I think you are nuts." Valgaav shook his head as if he was terribly over-burdened with this crazy man. "You need a big sign for you desk that says: Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Ah, come on, Vally," Xel paused for effect, letting the nickname sink in. "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Okay, Xel. Have it your way. It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you."

Xel folded his arms, stuck up his nose, and said in a tone that implied he was miffed, "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME."

"Oh, they do, huh?" Val smiled. "And I'll bet you believe in ESP and people with special powers, too?"

"I am not alone," Xel assured him. "All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand." He made a point of counting a few, then turned it into a wave and moved on. "Besides, Valgaav, didn't you date a woman who you said could read your mind?"

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."

"Yeah..." Xel chuckled a moment. "You know what really gets me?"

"No, what, Xel?"

"Dumb people."

"Yeah, my brother Gravos– yeah, you in the front! He took an IQ test and the results were negative."

Jillas yelled back from his seat beside the oblivious Gravos, "He's not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!"

The folks seated near him, and who had heard, all laughed.

"Oh yeah, some dumb people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them," Xel said seriously. "Perhaps the gene pool could use a little chlorine?" His solemn look returned to humorous, and then he said glibly, "I just made that up."

"I'll bet," Lina mumbled. She looked at her watch, sighed, and then asked Zelgadiss, "How much longer do you think they're going to be on?"

"Something about you scares me at times," Valgaav said, looking positively frightening himself in his get-up and towering figure.

"Me, too," Zel agreed with Valgaav, then to Lina answered, "All night, it seems. Can you believe how this crowd likes them?"

"Well," Xel pretended to be quite affected by what Valgaav had said. "Life was bad for me growing up."

"You don't know bad," Valgaav said. "I had two older brothers who were always messing with my mind or beating me up."

"Well...I did, too..." Xel drawled in a sly way. "When I was little, I had this sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child, eventually." He had to wait a moment until the crowd 'got' that joke before proceeding on to the next. "I wasn't as smart as I was smart-mouthed as a kid. If I'd known the difference between 'anecdote' and 'antidote,' then...maybe things would have different with the little sister."

"Do you think that really happened?" Zel whispered to Lina. "Him losing his brothers and sisters?"

Lina yawned broadly. "It's possible. His mother could have served them for dinner."

Valgaav noticed both Lina and Zelgadiss drooping over the table. "Hey, would you look at the time?" Valgaav said pointing up at some imaginary clock. "It's time for our parting shots." Maybe Xel was getting too close to reality, maybe it was time for the band to go back on, but Valgaav felt it was definitely time to call it a night.

Xel took his cue to wind things up. "Yes. Our final words of wisdom before our show is over. Would you like to go first, or should I, cousin?"

"I'll go. I thought of a good one for all us science nerds: If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate."

"Oooh, I like that. I do!" Xel laughed. "Okay, for meeee: Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire." His eyes landed on Lina, and he smiled.

The two men shook hands and bowed to one another, then to the audience amid loud applause. A quick wave and they were done. They hopped off the stage and joined their friends and fans. Valgaav and Xel accepted their congratulations, while Zelgadiss and Lina waited.

The band returned to playing its own music, and Lina was moving in time, dancing in place. Zelgadiss noticed Xel watching her, his eyes open wider than usual, his arms tense at his sides. There was a hungry look in his violet eyes, as if he would devour Lina, if he could, at least that was how Zelgadiss interpreted his older cousin's expression. Zelgadiss suddenly felt protective of Lina. Gourry wasn't there to save her, so on an impulse, Zelgadiss moved to Lina's side, blocking Xel's view of her. "Wanna dance?" he asked her.

"What?" Lina was surprised; Zelgadiss had never danced with her before. "Oh, dance, sure, just one, okay." What she really wanted to do was talk to Xel and the others about what had happened on Wolfpack Island.

"Pretty weird, huh?" Zelgadiss asked her. It was too hard to be heard over the music, so he didn't even try asking her what she thought of the 'act' his two cousins had put on. A quick glance over his shoulder, however, confirmed that Xel had noticed his move to part Lina from him.

Xel's eyes flashed briefly in annoyance, but it was only momentary. In the next second, Xel was once again wearing his benign smile. "I'm going to change clothes, now. I'll see you all in a few minutes, and then we should go."

"Hold on! I'm right behind you," Valgaav called out, and then the two disappeared backstage.

"I expected Lina to say something," Xel grumbled quietly under his breath. "Something like: 'Say, that was pretty funny, Xel. How did you get into the act?' But, no, she ignored me and then goes off with Zelgadiss. I don't have her figured out."

Valgaav grabbed hold of his arm and drew him closer. "She's young, Xel. Don't forget that. Maybe we shocked her, I don't know. I know I feel ten years older than Zelgadiss, and we're only a year or two apart, whereas you really are ten years older than Lina. Bet she's never been in a club, or seen you murder someone."

Xel ripped off his corset and reached for his underwear and pants. "I was saving her life."

"I'm sure she knows that or she'd be hysterically demanding to be taken home. I don't know what was going down with you two, but I think she's doing all right. Damn! Where did that run come from? Cheap stockings! That jaw of yours hurt much?"

"Yes. We'll camp out with you guys at Jillas'. I have some pain killers to knock me out, so ten minutes after we there I'll be down for the count. I just wanted...well, it doesn't matter. Let's go. Just leave the clothes out and let Gabriel have them cleaned."

Xel sent Jillas and Gravos home in their car ahead of the rest of them with instructions to locate and set out pillows and blankets in the front room. Zelgadiss and Valgaav had arranged to sleep on futon folding chairs in the study, ones that Jillas' 'son' used when he visited. Xel and Lina slid into the back seat of Valgaav's car and collapsed. Lina dumped his shoulder bag onto his lap, and then used it for a pillow.

"So, who's gonna start?" Valgaav asked as he started the engine.

"Start with why you have a fat lip," Zelgadiss demanded. "And why you had to drag Lina into some mess."

That resulted in Lina's defensive yelling and Xel's silent smile. "Me first!" Lina insisted and got her way. "I wanna know why you guys dress up like that and do stupid vaudeville acts?"

"Oh, well." Xel's smile wavered. "That's kind of a secret."

"NOT FROM ME!" Lina bellowed, which was unnecessary because they were within the confines of the car. She managed to lock his head in a vise-like grip and started shaking him for all he was worth.

"Cut that out!" Valgaav shouted.

Zelgadiss slunk down in his seat. He had his own answers to her question, and his imagination had taken him to dark places. He did not want to find out that his friends and relatives were cross-dressers on the sly; he really didn't. "Maybe some things are better left unsaid, Lina."

"No. They're. Not!" she punctuated her words with a pound to Zel's hard shoulder, the only part of him within easy reach, while still keeping her hold on Xelloss.

"Lina, you are tired and bitchy. Sit down and behave and I'll tell you." Xel was serious and extremely willful at the moment. "I had only meant that as a joke. I would rather just talk about it in the morning, but if you insist..."

"And I do..." Lina grumbled. She did not like him being correct and adult when she was being childish.

"Very well. I met Gabriel as undergraduates here years ago. His boyfriend at the time owned the Cavern. He invited me and a few friends to see the place, and it became a hangout for many of us. Both science nerds and arty students. Then Gabriel's boyfriend got very sick, and he dropped out of school to work the place and take care of him."

"AIDS?" Lina asked.

"Yeah. He died before the year was out. Gabby had nothing but bills. Since they weren't married or anything, he didn't own the Cavern or the apartment they were living in. He was about to lose everything and had no place to go."

"So, you stepped in, right?"

"Yes. I bought the building with both the club and two apartments. When Valgaav came, I introduced him to the place, which he liked and threw in some money of his own to spiff it up into the lovely nightclub it is now. Gabriel manages it and someday he'll buy us out."

"Who lives in the other apartment?"

"Spauld, currently. Gabby takes care of the rental, and keeps the profit."

"Okay." Lina's smile softened as she gazed into his eyes a moment. She liked his eyes when he was tired. He permitted her to see what he was feeling, because he had lost his ability to concentrate on shielding that entranceway to his thoughts. "So, why the act, Xelloss?"

"Just for fun, Lina. The first few times we just told jokes about university life and wore regular stuff, but the audience leaned a bit toward bawdier material, so we simply developed the act to accommodate their tastes. Satisfied? Any other burning questions you need to ask tonight?"

"Only one, but I'll ask it in private, later," she said in a low voice only he could hear.

Zelgadiss, in the meantime, was looking less pensive. Now that he understood what was going on, he was relieved that his mentors' images could remain untarnished in his mind. Nothing weird going on. "Pretty nice of you to do that for the guy," he said to Valgaav.

"Yeah, well nothing like wearing women's underwear for fun, is there Xel?" Valgaav said. He watched Zelgadiss' eyes widen and face color, and then started laughing. "You are soooo gullible!" Before Zelgadiss could become sulky, Valgaav said, "Xel, why don't you answer his first question, about the fight it looks like you got into?"

Xel protested, but gave into the pressure from all sides. "Okay, so Gourry didn't like the idea of Lina taking off with me instead of hanging out with him, and decided to ruin my chances of seducing dear Lina with a hard punch to my jaw. I was planning to go alone originally, but I knew Lina wanted to see the island. As it turned out, I might have missed seeing the test subjects in the flesh, so to speak, had Lina not been the curious observer that she was. We made a terrible discovery," he said as he patted the side of the bag, trying not to disturb Lina, "and escaped in the eye of a storm."

"Yeah," Lina said with a yawn stretching her jaws wide, "The plane glided through the sky exactly how a bowling ball doesn't. Xelloss is a pilot, did you know that, Zelly?"

"No, you are?" Zelgadiss had thought he couldn't be surprised by anything after having had his senses shocked so much by the experiences of the day and the late-night show, but he was wrong. "What did you find out, then?"

"I'm a versatile, multi-talented, complex guy," Xel said in a sigh, again closing his eyes. "But aside from that, what we learned was this: Mother has turned the medical facility into a personal laboratory using the inmates of the penitentiary and of the mental asylum as her test subjects. She has her evil finger-hooks into Zanaffar laboratories."

Valgaav cursed under his breath, and seized the steering wheel in a death grip. Zelgadiss twisted around in his front seat. "You have proof of that?"

"Not yet, but I will. What I have are these." Xel withdrew a sealed plastic bag containing a labeled bottle. He handed it to Zelgadiss. "Take a look at the watermark on the label and tell me what you see."

"ZP, but not just that."

Xel tensed and sat up, dislodging Lina. "What else?"

"This had better be worth disturbing me over," Lina grumbled.

"Whoever typed up this label did so on a typewriter."

The car engine idled roughly as they waited out a light at an empty intersection. "Time for an oil change," Valgaav muttered.

"O-kay, Zelgadiss..." Xel let out a sigh. Exhaustion was wearing away his thin veneer of sophistication. "I'll ask: Who the fuck cares? So what? It was typed on a typewriter. Why do you tell me this?"

"Well, if you're going to be that way..." Zelgadiss flung the bag at Xel's feet.

"Zelgadiss, it has been a long day, and I am very sorry. Now, illuminate me on the typing thing."

"Most Zanaffar Pharmaceutical labels are generated by computer and printed by laser copiers. In the test laboratories, they are typed individually on impact typewriters one-at-a-time, because for the most part they're one-time-only labels. With me so far?"

"Yeah and...?"

"This paper label has these little specks, which, and I'll bet you my next paycheck about this, under a microscope will turn into fibers in the paper with embedded markers-- a different fiber for each lab. That way a product is can be traced multiple ways back to the lab where it originated."

"Gods, Zelgadiss, have I told you I love ya, man?" Xel said in an affected tone, then chuckled and sat back in his seat.

"So, let me get this straight," Lina said. "We take off this paper and check out the marks under a microscope, and then we'll know where it came from– what lab that is, right?"

"Yeah," Zelgadiss began. The rest of his reply was clipped off by Valgaav.

"Xel?" Valgaav called out. "Get to the point. What's Zelas doing there?"

"She's creating her own of fountain of youth. Eternal life with your beauty intact."

"You have got to be kidding!" Zelgadiss choked out.

"And if I'm right, your grandfather is a whole heck of a lot older than you think."

Zelgadiss turned around to look at Xel. "What? What in hell are you talking about?"

"We're gonna have to dig up some bodies, aren't we?" Lina asked.

"Dig up bodies!" Zelgadiss shrieked. "What the hell, I repeat, what in living hell...?"

"A.K.A. Wolfpack Island," Xel whispered. "That's living hell. That's where we will perform the exhumation."

"Why? Whose? What are we looking for?" Zelgadiss continued to blather, but since no one was answering, he stopped. "Xel?"

"I'll need a DNA sample from you, too." Xel sighed. "But why don't we all just go in and get come sleep and talk about all this in the afternoon?" It was far into the wee hours of Saturday morning already.

"What's the matter, Xel?" Valgaav asked as he parked the car outside Jillas' place.

"Well, I'm a bit tired. I haven't really come to grips with the death of my pet fish, and when things seem to be going well, I know that I have obviously overlooked something."

"What pet fish?" Zelgadiss asked, but no one answered.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Valgaav said to Xel. "Well, guys, and girl, we are here. Last stop for the night. Hey, I have no more material, all right? I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."

"You are all being incoherent, me included," Zelgadiss said, getting in the last word, well almost.

"Speak for yourself!" Lina growled. She entered the strange house with mixed-up feelings.

(We'd like to credit the English writer, Quentin Crisp, Billy Crystal, Frederick Ryder, and countless others for their great quotes used in Xel and Valgaav's routine.)

End Graveyard Shift Chapter 17