2005
GRAVEYARD SHIFT
CHAPTER 23 -Reign of Zombies-
"Now we're getting someplace."
Lina began to wonder if she hadn't come to the wrong play after all. It was only five minutes into the first act and she couldn't imagine Xel demeaning himself to participate in such a debacle. Gourry sat to her right, Amelia to her left, with Filia and Sylphiel in the outer seats on either side. From the confused expressions they wore, it was clear to her that her friends all felt similarly.
"So what's wrong with that guy?" Gourry asked in a low voice while gesturing toward the stage.
"Nothing. He's fine. Just another romance-novel love-interest for the idiot heroine to spurn for no apparent reason. Just wait, some dark and evil guy will show up for her to fall for."
"Okay." Gourry patiently listened to the poor girl's sad tale of unmatched passion a moment longer. "Ah, Lina?"
"What?" Lina wasn't angry at him for his repeated interruptions; in fact, she was happy for the distraction it gave her.
"Aren't our friends supposed to be in this? They weren't any of those losers, were they?"
"No, you haven't missed them. They're zombies, wherever they fit into this stupid play."
Amelia giggled. "Oh Lina, here comes Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsomely Mysterious. How long do you suppose we have to wait until we see the lady swoon at his feet?"
"About five min-eh...nope; there she goes!" Lina shouted. The people seated around Lina didn't even bother telling her to be quiet. Her conversation was far more compelling than the dialogue on stage.
"Oh, Blaise, what a breath of fresh air you are to this town!"
"Why, Charlotte, how kind of you to say, and you hardly know me."
"I feel like I've known you all my life."
"You are as intelligent as you are beautiful."
"What a load of crap," Lina grimaced. "Ewww, how can she stand looking up at that moustache?"
"What makes you think the guy's evil?" Gourry asked.
"The bad guys always have moustaches," Lina said.
"That's not true! My daddy has one and so does Miss Sylphiel's dad, and you know that Miss Lina! Oh, you were just kidding me, weren't you?"
"Yeah, I was, Amelia. Oh, don't look now, but Mr. Tall and Dark is showing us his evil side. See? Just like I said."
"You sure you never read the book?" Sylphiel whispered.
"Book? This trash isn't based on any written matter or it would have been burned first. It's all the dreary outcome of a mind tortured by watching endless soap operas. Now what's going on?"
"The spurned gentlemen are trying to reason with her and warn her about Mr. Tall and Dark," Amelia answered.
"Ha! Like she'll believe them! She'll think they're just jealous. Man, if they're smart they'll figure out just how lucky they are to have escaped her crazy clutches. Ah, well. Now ol' Miss Charlotte will try to get the bad guy to fall for her, you can bet."
"He doesn't seem too interested," Gourry noted.
"Not yet. She'll have to really knock herself out to get his attention. Look... Oh, cripes. There she goes with the absurd devotion act. What a simpering fool!"
"Well, at least those other nice men are free to find... OH!"
"Heh, heh. Yeah, Mr. Tall, Dark, and Evil is killing them off one by one. That's why they're disappearing."
"There's where our zombies are going to come from," Filia put in from the far side of Gourry.
"Betcher right," Lina agreed. "Gods, listen to that guy bellow. Yeah, yeah, you're evil and you're proud, we got that. Oh, now he's going to revel in his biliousness."
"And now...
My greatest moment wherein I shall summon the
LORD OF THE DEAD
from the bowels of the earth.
Hear me, hear my call! Rise up!"
"That's his incantation? I could have come up with five better ones with my tongue tied behind my...well, with no problem at all, anyway."
"Together we shall begin the Reign of the Zombies!
Rise, heed my call and appear,
Oh Lord ZOALMELGUSTAR!
Rise!"
"Zol-ma-gu-what? What kind of a name for a demon god is that?" Gourry asked.
"Strangely familiar, oddly enough," Lina grumbled. She was fighting through the cluttered storage lockers in her mind, searching for a file, the one where that name, Zoalmelgustar, was associated with its nutcase of a creator.
"No, no! Blaise darling! You've been misguided.
This isn't the way to salvation, dear.
Let me help you! Let me guide you back on the path of the good and right.
I...I... yes, I vow with all my heart to change you.
To rid you off all evil and turn you to the light..."
"Hey, dearie, open your eyes!" Lina shouted again. "Quit railing away. Blaise dearest is murdering everyone in the play. He is not listening, baby."
"It was all the fault of that nasty little redheaded temptress, I know.
It's not your fault at all!"
"Little redhead... Say what?" Lina gasped. Instantly her mind located the missing information, mistakenly filed under 'Insane complexes'. Zoalmelgustar hated her, Martina– bingo! But how had Martina's insane ravings, her 'screen play,' make it into this play, and why?
"I don't think he's changing his mind about raising the dead."
"You are right, Mr. Gourry. That Miss Charlotte is going about this all wrong. She's doing it for the wrong reasons. If she had justice in her heart and was truly righteous and of pure intentions, then, and only then, might she have the strength to overcome his evil!"
"Ah, Amelia? Please sit down, the folks behind you can't see," Sylphiel urged her.
"That's okay, honey. You're prettier than anything on that stage," intoned the voice of a young man from the seats behind them.
"Oh!" Amelia gasped, and fell back into her seat, a blush of embarrassment spreading over her cheeks.
"I see I have no choice left. I- I must be the final sacrifice!
You are far greater a man than a delicate,
chaste maiden such as I could have imagined.
I would have given you everything!"
"That's bullshit! You would have slept with the creep if he'd given you a second glance, that's all you mean," Lina grumbled.
"Your path of glory to your gods offers me no attractions.
Only by the dark light of Zoalmelgustar is there a place for me to rule the dead!"
"Dark light? How is that a meaningful phrase? Who wrote this drivel?" Filia asked Gourry.
Gourry opened his dog-eared play list. "Says here Marty Nav-rat-love, or something."
"Never heard of him," Filia clipped off. "When's this over?"
"Pretty soon, there aren't any people alive anymore, 'cept those two."
"And I think that's about to change," Lina pitched in. "Looks likes our poor heroine is about to throw herself overboard for the cause."
"Then to prove my love for you is greater than all else, take me!
Sacrifice me to your demon lord.
I shall die devoted to you and for that you shall turn from evil and love me forever bound in my blood!"
"He's actually killing her after that sweet speech! He is awful. What's the purpose in that?" Amelia cried out.
"There is none. This whole play is pointless. He kills her in blood-lust-rage thing, his demon lord possesses him..."
"Is that what he's doing? Oh, I get it now," Gourry shook his head. "I thought he was funnier than before."
"I am the demon lord ZOAMELGUSTAR!
Let the reign of zombies begin!
Oh no, Nooooo!
The vessel I have chosen for my return is too weak with regret...
and now I, too, die..."
"Yeah, and now look, he dies too. With anemic little 'poofs' of fire and brimstone, how lame. What a display of pyrotechnics. Great, marvelous! Everyone dies in the end. What a load of crap! What's the purpose? Good, bad, or indifferent, everyone dies in the end? What a senseless, inane, worthless plot!" Lina yelled at the top of her lungs. "Bring on the zombies or I'm demanding my money back!"
A large contingent of agitators seated around the Lina crowd, joined in, "Zombies, zombies!" not knowing if there were any or not. Magically, the lights dimmed and the spots adjusted to the color 'eerie.' Fog machines in the aisles and offstage gassed out clouds of mist, further contributing to the moody atmosphere. And if that wasn't enough, creepy music rose out of nowhere, and this was particularly odd because at no other time in the play was there music or singing involved.
Lina sat forward with a grin. "Now we're getting someplace."
Shadowy, pale-faced apparitions appeared to rise from the floors, in the aisles, on the stage. Lina picked out Zelgadiss from the other raggedly dressed figures from his distinctive hair. Xel was a little harder, but she found him.
"There's Val!" Amelia cried gleefully and pointing to the far side of the room. "He sees me!"
For the first time all evening, the hall came alive, although the intention was more likely to have been to suggest the opposite.
The big production number began with all the zombies leaping vigorously about and singing the catchy opening song. Then Xel and Zelgadiss peeled off from the lineup for their portrayals of the spurned suitors. Xel sidled up to the zombie version of the Charlotte character and began to sing. His youthful voice rang sweet and clear as he attempted to sing his way into her heart.
"Please be my lady.
I know I can make you happy,
If you will let me,
I promise to make you happy
--maybe, maybe."
"He has a nice voice," Amelia said giggling.
The zombie girl resisted Xel's temptations and charming smile with a firm shake of her head, and turned away. He heaved a dramatic sigh, and then tap-danced off stage, only to return moments later to form a part of the chorus.
"I didn't know he could sing. He dances, too? Wow!"
"He's just Mr. Entertainment, isn't he?" Filia said sarcastically.
Lina couldn't believe her eyes or ears. Was that her Xel up there on the stage? She knew he could deliver lines from seeing his Atlas city act, but he could sing and dance like a pro, too. She was impressed. She imagined him singing softly, arms around her, lying together, under the sheets. Desire filled her mind; she wanted to have him all to herself. It took the voices of the zombie chorus shook her out of her dream world.
"We're the undead, 'nuff said.
We're zombies, gotta get that through yer head.
Don't come around unless you've come from underground...!"
Then it was Zelgadiss' turn to warble his case. His soft, low voice and sensitive manner melted the hearts of many of the girls listening, but he was turned away by the Charlotte poser just the same. He moon-walked over to join the background singers.
"He's pretty good, isn't he?" Lina called over to Sylphiel, who was looking starry-eyed up at her boyfriend.
"He sings...and those moves..." The rest of what Sylphiel wanted to say was lost as the music swelled.
Amelia gasped. "Oh, look! Valgaav, he's the bad guy!"
Valgaav lurched stage center, clasped the zombie girl at the elbow, and bellowed in a rocker scream:
"I got no use for your platitudes.
I have my own agenda.
I got no use for your attitude,
Don't start something you can't finish
I'm something bigger than all the rest.
I'm the general to rule the world
So don't put me to some test,
Don't start something you can't finish!"
"Gods, will you listen to that, Amelia!" Lina poked her friend in the side to get her attention. "He really could be a rock star, dontcha think?"
"Uh, huh," she nodded, unable to tear her eyes off her very sexy-looking boyfriend.
Immediately after Valgaav ended his solo, the Charlotte zombie girl locked him in a tight embrace. Her shrill voice whined,
"Oh, no! Please let me show you how love can free your heart!"
Backing her was the chorus of zombies singing,
"Free your heart, free your heart!"
At last, Valgaav loosened her grip, and let loose with a heart-rending scream:
"Begone!"
He hit his final note then with an elegant twist of his wrist flung the girl off him and sent her spinning into the wings.
Lucky for everyone, the boys' personalities transcended the material and brought the house to its feet. The play ended with a tacky climatic light show with colored lenses and strobes. The standout performances of Valgaav, Zelgadiss, and Xel added a humorous edge to what had intended to be a seriously, frightening, dismal, and depressing conclusion. No amount of makeup could disguise how good-looking, or unseasoned, they were. They stole the show, such as it was.
"Zom-bies! Zom-bies! Zom-bies!" chanted the audience.
The director didn't know what to do. The show was over. All the actors had returned to the stage and were taking their bows. How could he satisfy their need for more zombies? The director was completely unprepared, and the producer seemed baffled as well. As the curtains rose and the actors took their final bows, the din became overwhelming. "Zom-bies! Zom-bies! Zom-bies!"
"Would you like us to carry the encore?" Xel asked the obviously frazzled director.
"Could you? Yes, yes, anything!"
"We have a little skit," Xel said with a wink. Indeed, he and Valgaav had pressed Zelgadiss into their 'act' for 'fun' and 'just in case.' "Okay, guys. We're good to go. This is our chance for the big time. Broadway next, then our world tour."
Zelgadiss' eyes grew wide and wild-like, fear prickling his skin. "Skit? Now? Out there?"
Valgaav chuckled, and gave his friend a little push. "Let's just get past tonight. Come on, Zelgadiss. You're the nurse."
The three young men ducked in front of the falling curtain, while the applause rose to an awful din. Xelloss smiled and waved as he approached a microphone. As he started to speak, the room grew quieter.
"Thanks everyone. You've been a super audience, and I'm used to audiences, actually. As a doctor, most of my audiences are patients, and as a forensic pathologist, most of my patients are dead. But for a few minutes here, let's say I'm your friendly family psychiatrist. You know, the Mind-sweeper, the doctor who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing."
Lina laughed loudly. She thought he'd make a terrible psychiatrist, and the suggestion struck her funny bone. Her outburst stimulated others to laugh as well, until the whole crowd was responding to the jokes with gusto.
"In your case it's more of a case of the care of the id, by the odd," Zelgadiss said.
"Thank you Nurse Zelda. You know, when I was just starting out, I had to advertise to get patients."
Zelgadiss could see his friends in the audience. Sylphiel blew him a kiss, Amelia was clapping madly, Filia smiling and waved. With their support, he relaxed more. "Oh, I remember: 'Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back.'"
"Ah, yes...something like that. It worked. Before long I was swamped with business."
Zelgadiss sighed as if he had to endure an idiot for a boss every day. "Oh, yeah. Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
Xel frowned in jest. "That will be enough for now, unless I have a patient waiting?"
"Well, in fact you do." Zelgadiss stepped aside for Valgaav to take center stage.
"Doctor," Valgaav said in a harried tone of voice. His body language screamed 'frantic', and the crowd roared as he continued. "I'm manic-depressive, and I need help."
"I see, well... Calm down. Cheer up. Calm down. Cheer up. Calm..." His voice faded into the applause. Xel then turned to Zelgadiss and asked, "Who's next?"
"A very difficult case, doctor." Zelgadiss motioned to Valgaav, who had been flattening his hair into a central part to appear as a new patient.
Valgaav announced, "Doctor, I have a split personality. What can you do for me?"
Xel gestured to Zelgadiss again. "Nurse, bring in another chair."
"You'll need more than that," Valgaav said. "I got lots of personalities."
"You mean you have a lot of personality, don't you?"
"No, I have an identity problem... So do I," he added in an entirely different voice to sound like a different person. While the audience laughed and giggled, Valgaav messed with his hair. He would either change his hair or adorn his head with a hat between each new character. In this case it was pushed completely out of his face. "Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!"
"Sit over there and I'll deal with you later." Xel smiled as the crowd responded in laughter. "Next?"
Valgaav parted his green mop to one side. "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin."
"Don't talk such rubbish."
Valgaav spiked his hair up and out in a wild fashion. "Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow."
"My only advice for you is: Don't let people push you around."
"Doctor, I can't stop stealing things," Valgaav whined with a baseball hat mashing his hair down.
"Nurse, hand me those pills." Xel took an imaginary vial from Zelgadiss, and held it out to Valgaav. "Here, take these pills. They should help you."
"But what if they don't?"
"Pick up a Rolls for me, silver, wood burl interior, please."
Valgaav tossed the hat into the crowd, causing a little uproar, then used his fingers to comb his hair over his eyes. "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain."
"Pull yourself together!" Xel snapped.
With a beanie cap in place, Valgaav said, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball."
"Get to the end of the queue," Xel replied wearily. "Aren't we about out of personalities yet?"
"There's me, everyone forgets about me. No one notices me. Doctor, I keep thinking I must be invisible."
"Who said that?" Xel asked, looking past Valgaav. He grins and turns back to his nurse. "Actually, I like treating a patient with a split personality."
"Is that because schizophrenics pay double?" Zelgadiss asked.
"Because Medicare pays for all of them!" Xel laughed at his own joke.
"There's another patient to see you," Nurse Zelgadiss said. "My brother. I hope you can help him."
Valgaav smashed a feathered 'Peter Pan' hat on his head and skipped around. Xel folded his arms over his chest and watched seriously. "Okay, so what's your problem?"
"I think I'm a chicken."
"You do? How long has this been going on?"
"Ever since I was an egg!"
Before the laughter completely died down, Xel asked Zelgadiss, "What's really wrong with your brother?"
"Oh, it's true. He thinks he's a chicken."
"And how long would you say he's been acting like a chicken?"
"Three years. We would have sent him in sooner, but we needed the eggs."
Xel rolled his eyes as the audience laughed. "Well, Nurse Zelda, I'm a busy man. I say let's close up shop for the day. I've got the ladies lining up already to see me tonight, and I must see to my grooming."
"Oh, of course, doctor. What could be more important? But before we go, I have one more thing to say."
"Which is...?"
"Don't become too self-absorbed; it could affect your work. You see, there once was a doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him."
"Really? What a clever man!" Xelloss laughed. "Perhaps I should try something like that sometime?"
Lina led the audience into a roaring standing ovation as the three friends bowed and smiled and waved from the stage, saying repeatedly, "Thank you!"
The director and producer swept onto the stage, beaming, and then grabbed a microphone. "Oh, thank you, thank you all. You've been an extraordinary audience. Yes, yes, just marvelous!" The producer waited for the noise to die down before continuing. "We have the most exciting news! We have just been asked to take this show on the road, starting with ATLAS CITY, everyone!"
"But the play sucked!" someone in the vicinity of Gourry yelled.
"Oh, no... not the whole play, just the zombies. We'll wrap an entire musical around them!" the director reassured everyone.
The crowded roared its approval, nearly drowning out his next words. Lina strained to catch the last lines. "...thank our writer who is with us tonight. Let's give a round of applause to Martina Zoana Mel Navratilova for her stunning script!"
Martina tore out from behind the scenery, berating the sets people for not firing up the flames appropriately. Lina let out a sigh and rubbed her temples. "Gods, I was just this close to guessing that too. Now, what kind of a producer would have put up good money for a ridiculous script by that insane girl, I ask you?"
Amelia carefully folded back the last page of her play list and read, "A Mr. Zangalosky. Well, that makes sense."
"Why should it? Nothing else about this does..." Filia retorted.
"Well, that's Martina's boyfriend's father's name."
"Who?"
"Zangalus Zangalosky! You knew that, didn't you Miss Lina?"
Lina's eyes were on glued to the stage where Martina had just picked up a small flame thrower and rammed the force level to 'high', screeching, "Like this!"
A burst of fire blasted across the stage, narrowly missing the actors, who were flying left and right. The curtains caught fire, however, and toxic smoke billowed out over the now-standing crowd in the hall. Seconds later, the automatic sprinkling system switched on, adding a good drenching to the audience's suffering. Gourry alone seemed pleased.
"What are you grinning about?" Lina snapped.
"I finally figured out the title. I was waiting for the rain the whole time."
End, Graveyard Shift 23