Yay, back again with a Star Wars story. Errr, alright, first things first:

Author: Yeah, right, me again. Should be working on "Minor Characters", though :ducks from all the sharp and heavy objects her beta-reader keeps throwing at her:
Summary: The Exile's having difficulties with coming to terms with everything from the second visit on Dantooine and comes to a dramatic decision. So how's that thing with Atton gonna work out? And how are the others coping?
Category: Angst/Romance
Rating: T, just to be on the safe side
Disclaimer: All canon characters from the game aren't mine (though I'd like to claim the Exile as mine, 'cause really, I played that girl, she's got my handwriting all over her :p), and James Blunt's songs aren'tt mine either. Plus I got a flat to provide furniture with and just getting started on my first real job so... don't sue me. You already have more money than I'll ever make :p
A/N:Well, here we go with another Star Wars story of mine, although I don't think it will be as epic as the last one. Please try to overlook all the little mistakes concerning the game I made (or helpme correct them... I'd be even more delighted about that), as I used to play it in the middle of the night and am not the most attentive of persons at that time of night.

Oh, and I still haven't quite finished it because I'm too scared of fighting my way through all those hords of Sith warriors and Dark Jedi. Now, how stupid is that:p

Anyway, just one last thing I always have at the end of my A/N: I'm not a native speaker, my laptop's keyboard seems to have a life of its own sometimes and I usually write my fiction in the middle of the night, so please don't be too offended when noticing typos or strange grammatical constructions. I may have been reading, writing and speaking English for over ten years now, but I'm still far from doing it like a native speaker. Please take this in account.

Haunted

Chapter One: Tears and Rain

"I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain."

James Blunt, "Tears and Rain"

Citadel Station, Officers' Mess

She knew she should tell them. Tell him. But not now. Just not now. It just would ruin the party for them, and that would ruin the party for her as well and she had the feeling that all of them had deserved a good party after the last months of fighting and suffering. No, now was a time for celebrating her victory – their victory – over Darth Nihlus, Darth Sion, Darth Traya… and whoever had been chasing them through half the galaxy. Admiral Onasi was holding a party to their honor and they would enjoy it.

Straightening herself for a last time she walked into the officers' mess on board Citadel Station and put on what she thought her most charming smile. Onasi was the first to greet her, saying: "Ah, General Trekal, nice to see you again." The admiral was smiling, but she could feel the underlying sadness that seemed to accompany him like a second skin echo from him. Flexing her fingers she tried to shield herself from it and slightly enforced her smile a little and said: "The pleasure is all mine, admiral."

Before she could tell him that she would prefer it if he stopped calling her "general", someone else budged in: "Look who decided to join at last."

Atton. Of course. And just as always he was grinning and radiating cockiness and a self assurance off him. Clearing her throat she answered in a tone that she hoped sounded non-chalant: "Well, you know women… there's never something suiting the occasion hanging in our lockers." He barked a short laugh but from the short raising of his eyebrows she could tell that he had seen right through her little act of appearing like she had no other care in the world than the right dress. Great.

"Well, uh… now that you are here I think it's time for the official part.", Onasi said after clearing his throat.

She cocked an eyebrow. "Official part? You didn't mention…"

He just shrugged. "Well, you know how it is… no saving the galaxy without enduring the speeches and holo-interviews afterwards. You have the fun, you have to do the hard work." If this hadn't come from Onasi, the man that had saved the galaxy himself at least one time together with Revan, she would have felt seriously offended. But as it was she just sighed and agreed to follow him to the stage. She just hoped she didn't screw up that royally as she had on Dantooine in her pep-talk before the battle against the mercenaries.

When Onasi had silenced the small crowd gathered in the room, he began his own little speech: "Ladies and gentlebeings, today is a great day. The Ebon Hawk has finally returned from her quest against the Sith, and with her came her outstanding crew. All of us owe them more than we could ever repay. Not only have they rid us of the latest thread that would have wreaked more havoc upon us than the Mandalorian War and the Jedi Civil War together but they have also secured as a full source. With that the Republic will be able to rebuild Telos and heal one of the most severe war wound this galaxy had ever to endure." The crowd was cheering and applauding, some only politely, such as those whom she knew to belong to the Exchange; others frenetically, such as the Ithorians or the soldiers and officials from Onderon and Dantooine.

She closed her eyes, trying to center herself and prepare herself for the speech that no doubt Onasi would announce now, as he was trying to calm down the people. "Please, ladies and gentlebeings, I'm sure you would like to hear the hero herself. And so I hereby present to you General Neeneá Tekal. General Tekal, we would be honored if you could say a few words."

Smiling a little and carefully dipping into the Force and thus drawing calmness from it, she stepped to the front and said: "Indeed… indeed it is us who feel very honored by the applause given here. We thank you very much for the warm welcome. But we feel… overwhelmed by your gratitude…" Was that a "Well, it sure could have been a little more overwhelming on the credit side." from Atton?, she thought a little disgruntled but opted to ignore it. "We did what we did because we felt that it was the only possible choice. I… am sure everyone… or at least most of us" – she threw a look in the direction of the representatives of the Exchange and Vogga – would have done the same if they… had been in our position." With that she nodded and stepped back. Force, please let that be enough.

Onasi had obviously understood the signal and nodded towards her. "Thank you very much for your… encouraging words, General. And now I won't keep you any longer. Just enjoy the party while it lasts.", he said with a wink in her direction. She just nodded and stepped of the podium.

"Nice speech you did." She made a face at Atton's remark. "No really, Né, compared to that pep-talk you gave on Dantooine, that was a masterpiece of rhetorical virtuosity." All of this he delivered with a straight face which only broke when she snorted a little and hit him on the arm. "Ow! Hey, last time I checked you were on the good side!"

She smirked. "And last time I checked your jokes were a lot better.", she dead-panned which earned her one of those grins he seemed to have reserved only for her.

It was precisely in that moment that she suddenly knew she was going to break his heard. Very, very hard. This epiphany had a greater impact on her than she could have ever foreseen, and that scared her to death. Before that it had only been a little light banter – well, apart from his shocking confession about being a Sith torturer, obviously – here and there, some pazaak, even some drinking, but always only the hint of deeper feelings.

Up to now she had never let herself explore more of this feelings, first because she had enough difficulties with finding out who she was and then because she had been finding out step by step who she was. And well, the stress of having to save the galaxy had added its share in this, too. But now, now that Kreia was out of her head and then galaxy was saved it all came down on her. How she missed Atton when she couldn't take him with her own missions, how she had found it so very easy to forgive him just because she couldn't see him suffer, how much his just grinning at her in this very special way affected her…

"Hey, Citadel Station to Né, everything all right?"

She jumped a little. "What?"

He looked a little concerned. "You zoned out on me. You okay? The old witch's not been talking to you, has she?"

She nodded, still a little distraught. "No… no, it wasn't her… I just… I need a little air, that's all. You know, me and speeches…" She gestured a little helplessly.

"Yeah, right, you and speeches…", he nodded, but on his face and in the slight changing of his Force aura she could see that he didn't believe one word she was saying. But obviously he got her hint as he was saying: "You… you want me to accompany me to a… quieter place?" The nervousness in him was getting stronger with every second she didn't answer, and although she knew that it would probably better to at least try to uphold her little act, she gave in. Just for once she wanted to use the opportunity of getting away from the non-existent privacy aboard the Ebon Hawk and have a little quiet time with Atton for herself. It maybe your last time, anyway., a little spiteful voice said in the back of her mind but she chose to ignore it just for once.

"Yes, thank you. But let's try to be inconspicuous, I don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings here." He nodded, turning for the exit.

Observation Deck

"Well…" He smiled a little nervously.

She smiled back, just as nervous. "Well… thanks for getting me out of the room. I felt a little… suffocated by all the people and the attention and… well, everything." She sat down on the floor in front of one of the windows.

After a moment of hesitation he joined her. "Yes, I noticed. Didn't even need to Force to do it. You've been… different, the whole evenin'."

She put her arms behind her and leant on them. His remark reminded her of one of the other conversations they had had. The one where he had commented on her change, saying she appeared much more at ease to him, with a "glow" like he had said. Well, or something very close to it, at least. "Well, I…"

"Something's bothering you. And… I'd like to know what." Good old Atton, always straight to the point. She had been wondering actually what had kept him so long from asking right out.

Closing her eyes she said: "I… I think I… I've not truly worked through all the things since our second visit to Dantooine. What the Masters told me, what Kreia did… and then everything on Malachor V…" After just one short tap in the Force she instantly regretted saying just anything about all those things, and to Atton of all people. She had felt curiosity peaking up, and something else… worry? She squeezed her eyes a little tighter, trying to shield herself from him and his feelings because they would make everything so much harder. But it needed to be done. For his sake, she told herself, everything for his sake. And some day he'll understand. Or so she hoped.

"Well, what did they tell you?" He could see the conflicting emotions playing over her face. For a Jedi, Né had always been very easy to read. Something was brewing inside her, and he didn't like it a bit. He remembered the screams piercing through the door to the women's dormitory after they had left Dantooine without Kreia. Every time he had come by the door and she had been inside, screaming, whimpering, he had to fight off the strong urge to just barge in and wake her from whatever was torturing her. He had desperately tried to uphold his trademark scoundrel's careless easygoing manner, pretending she was just a nice flirt to him, like very woman had been.

But that wasn't true. Not anymore. Maybe not even for quite some time now. Somehow she had gotten under his skin, and seeing her now in such a state of distress made him once again want to take her in his arms and protect her from all her inner demons.

But eventually she chose to talk, forcing him to concentrate on her words again. "They… it's… very complicated, and I still don't quite understand it myself." For some seconds she was quiet again, obviously trying to find a way to explain it to him. "They said… they said I am something of a wound in the Force. That I… brought others to follow me, using their strenghts for me. You know, kinda sucking them in. They said I…" She broke her trail of speech, and he could see the tears glistening in her eyes. Obviously seeing the shock and confusion in his eyes, she quickly turned away.

"No, hey, look at me." He edged closer to her, touching her face softly with one hand. For a moment she tried to evade his touch, but then she leant into it, still having her eyes closed. "They said I would bring death upon the force because the sheer number of deaths at Telos and Malachor V and everywhere else I had brought them with the fleet had made me deaf to the Force and that I could only use it when bonds from others echoed inside me. Atton, basically I've been doing the same as Darth Nihilus. Feeding of others. Using their friendship and trust to strengthen myself."

That was her breaking point. All her barriers fell, and even he – with his untrained sensitivity towards the Force – could feel them shattering like transparisteel and all the bottled-up emotions breaking out. All the guilt and pain and remorse. He pulled her into the tightest hug he had ever given anyone, because in that moment it was the only thing that came to his mind. Whispering words of comfort and compassion to her he held her sobbing form, and she clung to him like he was a kind of lifeline.

But suddenly she recoiled, like she had been burned or something. "What the…"

She shook her head. "It's… you… you used the Force to calm me down."

"Hey, I didn't want to mess with your head or anything!", he told her, getting worked up a little.

She made a gesture meant to calm him down, but he registered her edging away a little further very clearly. "No, no, I never meant it like that. You were.. just reaching out to me, touching me, stroking and soothing me. Just not consciously, I think."

She had hoped he would calm down, but he just got more agitated. "Well, what's so wrong with it then? It wasn't like I wanted to hurt you or something."

Trying to focus and center herself she stood up and turned towards the window again. "I didn't think you did. It's just… that's what the Masters meant, what Kreia meant. I bring other people to weaken themselves for me. You aren't properly trained and doing things like these only exhausts you, and I… I just don't want anyone I care for get hurt because of me. I don't want anyone get hurt of me ever again."

Beside her he was getting up again, but she could muster all her willpower not to run back to him but continue staring out of the window. "Well, you don't have to. And I wasn't getting hurt. I feel completely all right, nothing wrong with me. I'm pretty sure I would have stopped doing whatever I did, even if it wasn't done consciously. You know, survival instinct and scoundrel's luck and all that stuff."

She laughed humorlessly. "You don't get it, do you? What I did on Malachor V, back in the war, has crippled me forever. The echo of all those deaths will always be resounding in me, creating a kind of hole, a void. And everyone who's attached to me in just any way will be sucked into the void. And because of that I can't…" She turned back to him, forcing herself to look into his eyes, to face the hurt, the feeling of betrayal, the broken heart. "I can't stay with you, all of you. I'm a lost case, but no one of you is. All of you have the chance to become great Jedi, playing a significant role in the rebuilding of the Order. But I'll be the death of the Force if I chose to continue using it. Or continue forming bonds to other people. I…"

"You're going to run again, aren't you?", he simply stated, and her resolve almost crumpled. Only the thought of He'll understand. Someday he will understand. kept her finishing the path she had started walking down. "No. I'm going to do what I must to protect you and Mira and Mical and everyone else from myself. I'm going to the Unknown Regions, searching for Revan. If there's anyone who can help fighting the remains of the Sith, then it's her. And if there's anyone expandable enough to go in search of her, then it's me."

For a moment there hung a silence between them that seemed almost unbearable. Then he said, in a very Atton-unlike quiet voice: "And who's going to protect you from yourself?"

She nearly faltered at that, but again she remained impassive, at least outwardly. "I don't… need any protection. Not from me or from anything or anyone else. I can perfectly stand my ground. Besides… I'm not important enough to protect."

"Dammit, of course you are. You are important to me, and you are not expandable for me. Doesn't that mean anything for you?" The anguish in his voice was tearing literal junks out of the walls she had erected around herself.

"It means…the world to me, Atton. And that's why I need to go away. Don't… make this any harder for me than this is anyway. Please, Atton, just understand. I need to go because it means so much to me."

The pain on his face was replaced by utter confusion and desperation. "Look, girl, I really don't get it. You leave me because you care for me? Dammit, I've heard more sense from any bantha-breath backwater kid who challenged me for a round of pazaak."

She took a deep breath, again trying to center herself and draw strength from the Force for her final action. "Someday, Atton… someday you'll understand. I promise. Just… promise me one last thing." She turned for the door, walking towards it, leaving behind a stunned Atton. "Just promise me you'll tell Admiral Onasi that I'm gone looking for Revan. And promise not to tell the others until tomorrow."

Forcing herself to walk at a normal pace, she made her way out of the Observation Deck, not allowing herself to look back. She knew, that if she did she would be racing back into his arms, crying her eyes out and never letting him go. But as it was, all that was left to her were her tears, and – if she hadn't been in the controlled environment of a space station – a lot of rain which would have just been to fitting.