Disclaimer: I don't own, never plan to own, and probably never will own pretty much everything you recognize here. I do own a few things though, like the plot, and the cat, but they do me little good, because I'm not allowed to receive money for this. If, on the off chance, you want to give me money for a completely unrelated reason, I would gladly accept.
Warning: This will be R and will contain *SLASH* You don't like it, don't read. (Off chance you might find something borderline NC-17 later, but not right now.)
Summary: Harry returned to Hogwarts after six years of self-exile into the Muggle World and the defeat of Voldemort.
AN: I'm back! Yes, after a very long (over a month) wait, I've finally gotten around to putting out another chapter. I'm even part way through the next one, so you'll probably get it by the weekend. On the plus side, (for me at least) I think this chapter has gotten the most reviews.
Thanks to Diagonalist, the wonderful beta, and everyone who reviewed:
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Very sorry if I missed anyone.
Chapter XIII
Confessions
~*~Don't Forget Me~*~
I'm an ocean in your bedroom
Make you feel warm
Make you want to re-assume
Now we know it all for sure
I'm a dance hall dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall
Up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go
I'm a meth lab first rehab
Take it all off
And step inside the running cab
There's a love that knows the way
I'm the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of
Everything you've ever smelled
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go
Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don't forget me
I can't hide it
Come again make me excited
I'm an inbred and a pothead
Two legs that you spread
Inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure
I could show you
To the free field
Overcome and more
Will always be revealed
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go
Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend
Don't forget me
I can't hide it
Come again get me excited
I'm the bloodstain
On your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all for sure
Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go
~*~*~*~
Werewolves, it has been said, like their canine counterparts, have an extraordinary sense of smell. It has been suggested that, because of this, werewolves might be useful as a sort of "search hound" for the Aurors, but many people believe that they aren't trustworthy enough to be used by such important law enforcement groups.
It has also been said that, if in no other area, when if comes to scents werewolves have incredible memories. Werewolves have been known to recognize a scent after as many as twenty years. This also gives support to those who believe in including werewolves in the Auror divisions.
One small disadvantage is that they would be most useful during the full moon, and only then with the wolvesbane potion.
People, however, aren't certain whether or not this sense of smell is related to a physical scent or to magical signatures. Given the accuracy of this sense, most specialists believe the latter.
Marvel at my astounding ability to avoid uncomfortable topics!
Uncomfortable because Remus Lupin has logic that far surpasses my own, and because I'm a horrible coward with absolutely no talent for words. None the less, I have to put the uncomfortable parts in a memoir, no?
~*~*~*~
"Hello Harry. May I come in?"
I stood there sputtering, shocked more at the fact that Remus was in a wheel chair than at the fact that he knew who I was. The latter fact wouldn't dawn on me until later, and then it would be quite loud.
For the moment I could only nod dumbly and step aside allowing the older man entrance. He wheeled himself in with apparent ease, leading me to believe the chair was not a new development. I was still staring at him stupidly when he stopped.
Remus must have felt my gaze, heavy on his back because he turned around to face me and smiled slightly. Despite the fact that he was in a wheelchair, he looked better than when I'd last seen him.
"Why don't you close the door and come sit down," he suggested. "We have a lot to catch up on, don't you think?"
I obeyed him and pulled out a chair, seating myself facing him. We looked each other over for a long while before I finally spoke. "Remus? What happened to you?"
He smiled again, though this time it was with a touch of bitterness. "Just a small price to pay for winning the war… Especially when compared to the other costs."
I had a feeling he wasn't referring to just the people who had died during the final battle, or even those during the second faze of Voldemort's rise. There had been emotional scars as well, yes, but the deaths of innocent people before the war had even started.
Cedric…
I nodded slightly and waited for Lupin to continue.
"You know, the other werewolves were promised a lot by Voldemort before the final battle. He obviously had no intention of coming through on any of those promises. He wouldn't have let them taint the pureblooded society he was trying to build, but none of them would believe me when I tried to tell them."
I wasn't sure what the older man was trying to say. As far I had know the majority of werewolves had been on the Order's side before the final battle.
Remus interpreted my confused look properly "It was all part of Voldemort's great plan. He had them betray us on the battlefield. Not all of them mind you, but enough to deal out a lot of damage. I was paralysed in the battle. I took a hit in the spine." The werewolf laughed mirthlessly. "I took quite a number of them with me. They even gave me a medal for it!"
I felt like I myself had betrayed him a little there. It was partially my fault Zabini had been found out as a spy. She'd been a member of the inner circle due to her father's influence. When we lost her, we lost our only source of accurate information about Death Eater plots. "I'm so sorry, Remus. If I'd been there…"
"You might have been cut down like countless other wizards!" he interrupted. "You took care of Voldemort. That was your job, and you did it."
I stood up in frustration and screamed at him, "But while you were fighting I was busy running away!"
Under Lupin's patient and understanding gaze I felt myself flush in embarrassment. I sat back down heavily.
Not only had I acted like a coward in the past, but I was making a complete fool of myself now. I sat down and took a deep breath to compose myself.
It was then that it dawned on me, followed by an extremely loud, "Bloodly Hell!"
Remus Lupin had easily discovered who I was and would probably be quick to tell my Godfather, wherever he was, and then Sirius would tell the whole world, either in joy or frustration. I stood up again, pacing.
Now wearing a knowing smile, Remus spoke. "Yes, I know your secret, but don't worry, it's not my place to tell anyone who you are. It's your job to tell them… on one condition."
My head snapped up from my floor to look at him. He wasn't going to tell? "What?"
"You tell me why."
This time my head was spinning. He wanted to know why; Half the time I wanted to know that myself.
There was the obvious fact that everyone was going to see me as the hero, despite the fact that so many others had given so much more that I. I didn't deserve that title, but Albus had made me the figurehead for the war long before I'd even known what the meaning of that word was. Growing up I hadn't like the fame, and it would have been ten fold.
There was also the small detail that all of my life I had been groomed by Dumbledore and the others professors to be able to defeat He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. After I finally succeeded, there would be nothing left for me to do. Becoming an Auror was out of the question, and teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts would have been equally difficult because of the fame issue. I was almost worthless.
In addition, because my only talents lay in the Dark Arts, may people probably believed that I would become the next Dark Lord.
Those weren't the real reasons, however. Sure, they were what had lead me to stay in the Muggle world, but they weren't what had lead me there in the first place.
"Harry," came Remus' voice, jarring me from my thoughts.
"I was afraid!" I exclaimed. There it was. That was the simple truth about my choice. I pulled the hair from in front of my missing eye violently, showing my Godfather's friend the scar. "I was hurt, and afraid, and a child who thought himself a murderer!"
I could see Remus trying to say something, anything, but he was at a loss for words. His lips were moving, but no sound issued forth. He could only shake his head.
I was shaking my own as well, trembling, actually. "I didn't think I was a murderer. I felt it, with every fibre of my being. It didn't matter that it was for the good of the Wizarding World, or that it was in self-defence. I. Killed. Tom. Riddle. And that made me a murderer."
"Harry…"
"Do you know what a wand really does?" I asked him now. When he didn't answer, I continued. "It filters magic. Ask Ollivander. The wand channels magic and filters it to match a person's magical signature. Haven't you noticed how it's harder to use another's wand? Or how much strength it takes to summon your own by hand? That's using raw magic.
"My wand broke when I tried to use the killing curse. I had to kill Voldemort with my own hands; with raw magic. I felt him die, and I felt like I was dying myself. I was scared, and alone and I didn't want to be seen like that, so I ran." I was nearly sobbing as I demanded, "Now do you understand?"
There. That was my deepest, darkest secret, and now there was another person who knew, who could use it for his own designs.
Half of what I'd said I hadn't even realized until I'd said it.
Chie was now at my side, his head rubbing against my leg, trying to comfort me. I brought my hand over to pet him and he started liking it. I'd never in my life been so happy for an animal's presence.
Remus had also brought himself over to comfort me. Bringing one arm around my shoulder, he drew me to his chest.
"I'm so sorry, Harry," he said softly, "I never would have guessed."
We sat there for a long while, me sobbing silently, finally mourning for lost friends and other things I couldn't even begin to imagine, he assuring me that while the world was upside down, everything would be all right. He was being extremely parental and I felt like a child.
Finally, all teared out and extremely embarrassed at breaking down like that, I pulled away from him, sniffing a little.
"You learned about the motivation behind the past six years of my life," I said with a slight smile. "I think it's only fair if you tell me what you've been doing lately."
Remus smiled a true smile, one that actually touched his eyes. Then he gestured to his wheelchair. "I haven't been able to get around much, but I've been doing a lot, actually. I've bee researching past laws for the ministry. I'm one who gets to tell them which laws are obsolete and which ones are simply immoral." He grinned mischievously, showing his canines. "You should see the looks on their faces sometimes when I tell them which of their rules require revamping. I'm currently working on one for interspecies relations. "
This somehow didn't surprise me. Remus could be very passionate about certain topics.
"That's great!" I exclaimed before asking, "Where are you doing this?"
"I'm living with Sirius."
"You two aren't…"
"Together? No," he said with a vague smile. "Though not for lack of effort from outside parties. You're friend Hemione has bee desperate to get the two of us together… despite of the fact that neither of us swing that way. She thinks it would be appropriate. I think it would be almost disturbing. The last two Marauders together… Not bloody likely," he finished with a snort that reminded me of Severus.
I smiled with him. The idea did seem a little ridiculous. Remus and Sirius could be like night and day at times.
The older man was laughing by now, but between bouts he managed to wheeze out, "Won't she be disappointed when she leans that Sirius is seeing someone."
This started me off laughing as well. Hermione prided herself in knowing who would be seeing who in school, though she considered herself above gossip… Not that she ever predicted herself with Ron.
When the laughter finally subsided a little Remus spoke again. "Your turn to tell me what you've been up to."
I nodded then. "I guess you know that I changed my name to Ethan James after I moved into the Muggle World."
"I assume that's why we lost track of you so quickly. Everyone was looking under the wrong name. It's a nice tribute to your parents though. Lily Evans and James Potter. I'm surprised we didn't think of it."
I smiled a little at him in response. "I guess it might be a little surprising. But were you even looking under other names? I'm sure there were enough Harry Potters in the world to make finding me difficult."
"That there was," the older man responded softly with a sigh. "But after that?"
I was able to give him a sly grin. "It turns out I wasn't as abysmal in potions as Severus Snape would have the world believe."
"What do you mean by that?" Lupin demanded in confusion.
"I had a job as a cook at a restaurant."
Remus understood that, but it obviously raised other questions. "I may not know a lot about the Muggle world, but I thought you needed some kind of schooling to get a job like that."
"You normally do," I replied, "but I managed to make a friend in a well connected person who happened to have numerous extended relations."
"How could you do that?"
For Remus, I can understand how this might be confusing. In the Wizarding World the people you knew in school definitely influenced what jobs you were able to find. One's lot in life was most certainly determined by one's birth. Most Muggle born had to do extremely well in school an befriend the right people in order to achieve anything more than a menial position. Due to the enormity of the Muggle world, it didn't take quite the same amount of work, and I explained that to him.
"I was simply in the right place at the right time," I concluded. "I needed a place to live and a job, Kestor needed a gainfully employed roommate."
"Kestor?"
"My well connected friend with an uncle in the restaurant business who happened to be in need of an assistant chef. Kestor has a very close extended family."
Nodding in semi-comprehension, Remus quickly surveyed the rooms. His gaze fell on the drum kit. "And it was Kestor who got you interested in music?"
"You could say that," I answered with a smile. "He was in a band, and the former drummer taught me how to play for entirely selfish reasons. He wanted to play guitar."
"I see you have one of those as well. Do you know how to play?
"No, I'm just trying to learn. And besides, I'm quite happy playing drums for the band."
There was awkward silence again, neither of us quite knowing what to say.
Finally, the werewolf broke the silence, asking what had been nagging him for the past while. "So you're involved with Kestor?"
There were no grins this time, not even bitter ones. This was a topic I normally wouldn't broach. The rest of the band normally considered it taboo. "Two years ago we were," I said cautiously. "A bad choice on our part, but certainly not the worst I've made."
"Things ended badly?"
I snorted. "No, no really. Not compared with the rest of it. The ending was rather anticlimactic. No the ending was he best part. After the awkward period that succeeds break-ups I had my friend back."
Remus nodded in agreement. "I understand that. The same thing happened to Sirius and I over a girl during school."
A wave of momentary nostalgia washed over him before the mention of my godfather's name reminded him of something.
"You're going to have to tell him at some point, you know."
"You mean you're not going to tell him yourself?" I asked incredulously.
"I said before that if you explained to me why you left I wouldn't tell anyone. It's simply not my place." Remus patted me on the shoulder and turned his wheelchair around to leave. "I have one word of advice to you, though. Tell him soon before anyone else knows. How do you think he would feel if he learned from someone else that his own godson had been living close by and hadn't even bother coming by to say hello?"
Remus left, leaving his words ringing in my head.
I absently scratched Chie being his ear while I considered the werewolf's words. Unbeknowst to me at the time, those words were going to prove true in a completely different relationship. For the moment, however, I simply didn't want to think about it. It only served to remind me of all the lies I had been living.
Chie was staring to curl into my thigh, comforting me again, when there was a knock on the door.
I was half expecting another surprise, and I wasn't disappointed when who was at my door but Severus Snape.
"Albus requests your presence in his office," he said brusquely.
'And you came all of the way over here to tell me this without ulterior motives?' I wanted to ask.
Instead I let Snape lead the way with Chie following behind me.
We reached the Headmaster's Chambers, Severus said the password and we entered. I was ever more surprised to find Albus with his nose buried in a book, not at all expecting us.
"I brought Professor Ethan, as you asked," Severus said, and for a brief moment I imagined Albus giving him a knowing smile.
"Very well my boy, thank you. You may leave now."
Severus nodded and was gone.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like this," Albus apologized, putting on his half moon framed glasses. "You know how it is with a good book, though. You just don't what to put it down… Lemon Drop?"
"I'm fine."
"Shame… now, Ethan, I was hoping you could tell me what your plans are for the Holidays."
You know how some people like hypothetical questions?
Well there's the one, "What did moths fly into before there were light bulbs."
I have a new one for you:
"What did gnats fly into before there were computer screens?"
Honestly! I'm at a friends cottage, and I was just fixing this up a little after I got it back from my Beta, and I swear the entire gnat population of the surrounding area has relocated itself around me and my laptop!
Don't bother feeding the author, give him insecticide!
The incentive to give me bug spray:
1) A possible confrontation with Sirius in the next chapter.
2) The promise of extreme Snape-y goodness a few chapters from now. *Wink wink*
Also, a few brief questions pertaining to the chapter with Snape-y goodness:
1) If you know Tom Petty's music, out of the songs Last DJ, Last dance with Mary Jane and Free Falling, which one do you like the best?
2) Smashing Pumpkins, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers or Cold Play?
3) Violent Fems, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, or the Dandy Worhols?