Chapter Twelve: Hits you when you're down
"It's a heartache, nothing but a heartache.
Hits you when its too late, hits you when you're down."
Bonnie Tyler, "It's a Heartache"
Yavin IV, Sith Temple Remains, Né's Cell
The room was without any windows. Its walls were solid stone, hundreds of years old. There was no light in the cell, but she didn't mind. She still had her Force sight after all. And besides all she wanted to do now was sleep. Or maybe not, since she would only be dreaming again, all kinds of fragments mixed up together in a huge heap. Snippets from Adana's life, pieces of her quest on the Ebon Hawk, scenes from her past in the Jedi Enclave… and Atton. Again and again, Atton. How she met him, how they made love on the Hawk, how he confessed his horrible past to her.
She closed her eyes and leant her head on her knees that she had drawn to her body. She still felt pain all over her body, but she didn't care anymore. The ache in her heart was far more intense. What would she give now for having Mical care for the wounds of her flesh and Atton for the ones in her heart. Or for Visas to give her the spiritual advice she so badly needed. Or for Mira for a good laugh. Bao-Dur for his quiet listening and unwavering faith in her. Adana for her absolute belief in her. Even Mandalore and his war stories and unquestioning loyalty. And of course T3 for his quips and constant optimism. Dammit, she needed every one of them.
She took a deep breath. It became harder and harder to stand by her decision to leave the Hawk. For the umpteenth time she cursed her ability to form Force bonds like others levitated things. If it wasn't for that, none of that would have happened. Stop that. Becoming bitter about your fate's not going to help you.
For a moment she listened to herself suspiciously. But the voice didn't sound like Atris' insane jabbering or the dark side taunting. It sounded surprisingly clear like her inner Atton. She smiled a half smile. Whatever she tried, he just wouldn't leave her alone. The actual Atton would be delighted to know that, she was sure.
But as it was, she was still sitting in a dark, damp and cold hole, missing her crew terribly and with no idea how to end that nightmare. In that moment she almost desperately wished to have Atton's arms wrapped around her in a protective embrace, like he did all those times when she needed comforting. If she only had those arms around her now, she would have felt safe in every place, even here… The door to her cell suddenly creaked open. Dim light was filtering in, but her eyes had been away from light too long, so she needed to shield them even against this little amount of light.
Steps echoed through the room, and she could feel a maelstrom of dark energy coming near her. She squinted against the light, trying to make out who was standing in the door way. But it was the voice that finally tipped her off. "Ah, so you are awake, little Jedi." How Master Kavar's voice could ever sound so disgustingly full of malice was beyond her knowledge. But then again, the presence residing in Kavar's body was not Kavar anymore, as she had to remind herself.
"What do you want?" Her voice sounded surprisingly calm, even bored. It was one of those moments where Mical would call her incredibly brave for acting like that and the rest of the crew would call her – in varying degrees of intensity of course – incredibly stupid.
"Ah, it is as she has told me. You are trying to cover how you feel at the sight of your old master's body, but I can feel your confusion and anger very well." And it was true. It hurt like hell hearing Master Kavar's voice talk to her like that. Kavar had always been her favorite master, level-headed, fair and friendly as he was. And now he was sounding like he hated the very fact that she existed.
"Well, I don't mind. You can feel all you want. Just don't bother me with wasting my time again." Okay, now even Mical would call her incredibly stupid. But really, she was in no mood to let herself being taunted again.
"I can feel your impatience. And your annoyance. You are a strong one. You would be a valuable weapon in the fight for the restoration of the Sith Empire." Oh Force, how often had she heard that in the last weeks?
"Didn't Atris tell you that I'm a bit allergic to people who want to use me as their weapon? Or use me as anything at all." Oh. That was… interesting. She had felt a peek of something flare up in the presence opposite from her at the mentioning of Atris' name. Was there trouble in paradise for Atris and her Sith ghosts menage a quartre?
"She has told me that once broken you would be very easy to reform. And that she knows many ways to break you."
"So what? I know many ways to withstand her." Not that she really had the strength to come through once the shit hit the fan, but she could at least try to bluff, right?
"But not to withstand her and us. She has ordered me to bring you to the Great Hall again." And there it was. Her escape road. Crystal clear before her.
"You let yourself being ordered around by a Jedi? You, Magna Ragos, greatest Sith Lord of all times? That's just pathetic." For a moment she thought she would be executed just there and then, but when the not-Kavar opened his mouth again she had known that she had managed to drive a wedge between the Gruesome Foursome.
"She was the one that awakened us and has given a body to us again. She has every right to demand our obedience." She smiled to herself, a little sardonically.
"You let yourself be pushed around out of gratefulness? And you want to be Sith Lord? My, my, I never thought that gratefulness was part of the Sith Code." It was a hazardous game, she knew, but she needed to take her chance.
"It is not. We are not serving her out of gratefulness but out of duty. We are bound to her by the Force through the act of awakening." Né had to cover up a triumphant smile as she landed her death blow.
"Okay, so you are not serving the Ice Queen because you are so well-educated and nice boys but because your are her slaves? And here I thought you couldn't become any more pathetic. A slave that claims to be a Sith Lord, tsss. Bring back Sleeps with Vibro-blades, really." Hate raged inside of Ragnos' presence but instead of striking her down, he directed his feelings towards one of the Sith guards.
"We are no…" She looked at him, playing to be totally calm and raising her eyebrow. "Slaves. We are slaves. Jedi slaves. No Sith Lord ever bowed down to a filthy Jedi." In fact that wasn't true, but she didn't really feel like giving Ragnos' ghost a lecture in recent galactic history just now. "She will pay."
And with that he had obviously totally forgotten about her, whirling around and heading out of the cell again. Unfortunately his remaining guard had the brains to shut her cell again. But it was only a temporary set-back. She had planted the seed of distrust and grudge among her captors, and she would just have to watch it grow now.
She closed her eyes. Yes, dogmatic Jedi like Master Vrook or Bastila Shan by now would have threatened her with cutting her off the Force again, for that kind of meddling had a very dark tendency to it, but this was about pure survival, not revenge or lust for power. She just had to keep telling herself that long enough, then maybe she would believe it someday.
Deep Space, Ebon Hawk, main holdEbon Hawk
"Hey, what are you still doing here? Shouldn't you be asleep?", a weary voice said behind him, and Mical turned around to face Mira.
"Well, I… just can't sleep. Mandalore's snoring does make it hard to fall asleep in the males' dormitory." It was a blatant lie. Okay, so not that blatant because at this moment Mandalore was cutting down wroshyyr trees with his snoring, but usually he could bring himself to concentrate hard enough to the half meditative state that helped him sleep when in disquiet surroundings. But what really had him worried were the reactions of Atton and Adana to whatever had been happening to Né.
Mira grinned a little lopsided. "I can imagine that. Big guy must be as loud as a battle cruiser's hyperdrive." Her grin faded, and she sat down opposite to him. "But that's not the only thing, ain't I right?" She wasn't an easy one to fool, he had give her that.
"Mira… I'd rather not talk about it." She leant back, radiating off determination. This time he wouldn't shake her off easily.
"But I'd rather talk about it. Hadn't we agreed that the brooding routine was Atton's field of expertise?" He made a face at the mentioning of their pilot's name, and that was his biggest mistake. He had made himself wide open to her, she thought smirking inwardly.
"Really, Mira, I don't want to discuss this with you."
She raised her eyebrow. "Discuss what?"
"Atton's and Adana's reac… Uh. Blast it." She raised her eyebrow.
"Mical swearing? The universe really must be coming to its end now." He closed his eyes.
"This is not funny, Mira."
"And I wasn't making any jokes. You talking like that means you got some serious issues with something right now. So spill it." For a moment he was tempted to use Persuasion at her, but he knew she would never forgive him that.
"I'm just worried about Adana's and Atton's reaction to whatever is happening to Né right now. And why those two are the only ones reacting this strong."
"I don't think you're really worried about both reactions. You're only worried about Attons's reaction." Obviously she wasn't in the mood to let herself being fooled tonight.
"I… what in the Force does it mean? How come they have a stronger bond than most of us? Why him?" Mira was surprised to hear heavy undertones of jealousy in his voice. Yes, she had known that he had feelings for their absent Jedi, but she had never guessed how deep they obviously ran.
"Because she loves him.", she found herself saying quieter than she had meant to.
"But why?" A note of desperation crept into his voice, and she was surprised to absolutely not liking it.
"That's for them alone to know, Mical, and you know that. Stop dwelling on that. She made her choice, and it's not your place to judge her. Just stop the whole jealousy act with Atton. I already told you, it doesn't become you very well." He eyed her. Since when had she started to become so serious?
"But he's not… right for her." He was starting to sound like a whining child, but he didn't care.
"Mical, really, stop it. She loves him for a reason, and because she does it he is the right one for her. Besides: Atton's head over heels for her. And quiet frankly: I don't see any chance that should change anywhere in the future. Just get over her." Now she sounded annoyed. Why in the Force would she be annoyed at him?
"But…" She leant forward on her arms.
"There are other women in the galaxy as well, you know.", she said quieter than she had intended to. It caught his attention more than any quip could have, and he looked at her. For the first time he really looked at her. And he saw Mira. Mira, who had cracked his shell with her sharp tongue. Mira, who had made him laugh countless times. Mira, who had opposed Atton for him. And he realized that he had been so caught up with pining after Né that he hadn't realized that another woman had worked her way into his heart. A woman he had hurt with his immature and inadequate behavior.
"Yes, I do.", he said smiling at her and stroking her cheek lightly. Her face showed that she didn't quite understand, so he took her hand and kissed it lightly, saying "Just give me time, Mira. Just a little more time." And with that, he left, intending to meditate on all of this.
Open-mouthed she looked after him, only to immediately shut her mouth when a voice behind her said: "Does that mean he'll stop going all frag granate on me whenever he can now?"
She whirled around to look into the very smug face of Atton Rand. "How long have you been lurking there, Rand?"
He came sauntering over. "Don't worry, I didn't get anything before the part with the other women in the galaxy. So, does it mean he'll leave me alone?"
She shrugged having gained back a little of her composure. "I guess so."
Atton took the seat Mical had just vacated. "And what was that time-business about? Oh, wait, don't say anything: that's what you're racking your brains about, huh?"
Now it was her turn to refuse any discussion. "That's none of your business, Rand. Stop trying to mess around with my personal life."
He arched an eyebrow. "Oh, just how you messed around with my life, you mean?"
"I didn't…"
"Yes, you did. And I'll be eternally grateful for that. If you hadn't pushed me out of the cockpit, I don't know if I would have had the guts to say sorry to her. So, here's my try at messing with another one's life: let him do his meditation-thingy. But if he's taking more than one day to come down with anything more specific than this cryptical behavior some moments ago, then I'll give him a serious lecture myself." He looked at her expectantly.
"Uh… you think there's a chance he… actually likes me?" For a woman acting so tough like Mira, she sure looked a lot insecure when it was about real affection, he thought.
He smirked. "Well, who wouldn't? But seriously: he's got the hots for you, he just doesn't know it yet. Trust me, I have that in my guts. Now, go to bed, I need a fit pilot to take over my turn in six hours."
Reluctantly she got up. Before she left the main hold, she turned around and said: "And you… don't brood all the way through your shift. We're gonna find her, and she'll be okay, there's no need for you to go stir crazy already."
"Will do.", he muttered and then made his way to the cockpit.
Cockpit
The black velvet blanket of deep space was surrounding Atton in the dark cockpit, and the millions of stars around him were twinkling all the brighter, but all the beauty of the universe was absolutely lost to him. He was deep in thought, as always in the past days when he was alone. Sure, Mira had told him not to brood but recently it had become a habit hard to shake.
Tonight it was his break down on Telos two days ago. He hadn't told anyone, but it had scared him to death, and in many ways. For starters he hadn't ever felt such physical pain before. Not even when he had been in for the occasional round of punishing from their resident Sith Lord when he had been one of Revan's Jedi killers. And Darth Revan had known very well how to inflict pain upon everyone who happened to anger her.
But what had worried him more was Visas' theory of his extra-strong bond with Né. If he had experienced a somewhat muffled version of her pain, what pain did she have had to endure? He knew she was still alive because the whole incident had left him somehow better attuned to his bond with Né. Her presence was a kind of steady back humming in his mind. If someone asked him he knew he couldn't really describe it, but he didn't really need to. All that counted was that she was still there. As long as she was there, he knew he had the energy to thrive on, whatever he needed to do to get her back.
And he would do just about everything to get her back. Again the pain he had been feeling on Telos wormed its way back to his mind, and he closed his eyes. If he ever got his hands on the Jedi Ice Queen and her companions, he knew that none of them would escape in anything else than a pile of dust. Just thinking about Atris and whoever worked with her now made his blood boil. And that scared him. Atton Rand wasn't scared of many things, but this blood lust felt too much like that he had felt when killing and turning Jedi for Revan.
Né wouldn't approve a bit of this, and she had every right to do it. But he just couldn't help it. Those schuttas had laid their filthy hands on the woman he loved, and they would suffer for it. Né was the first in ages – maybe even the first – that had stirred more in him beside raw lust or desire, and he wouldn't let anyone take her from him again. Not her who had shown him compassion and forgiveness when he had deserved anything but. Not her who had managed to break through all of his barriers. Not her who had healed age old wounds with just a touch or a smile or a kiss. Not her.
He put his head in his hands. He missed her, now more than ever. Having her presence constantly on the edge of his mind was like seeing the juma glass always only in the corners of his eyes, regardless where he turned. He…
"She misses you, too, you know."
Startles he turned around in the seat, just to come face to face with very ruffled looking Adana. "That damn running gag was old ages even before you did it the first time, kid."
She looked at him, puzzled. "Huh?"
He ran a hand over his face, leaning back again. "Creeping up on me and frighten me like that. Visas and Mira seem to love to do it." She padded nearer, and he realized she was barefoot. Seemed as if she was fresh out of bed. "Anyway, shouldn't you be asleep?"
She hid a yawn behind her hand. "Tried to. But I couldn't. I keep seeing her dreams."
Visas had told him that Adana obviously was connected somehow to Né's subconscious and the two could sometimes see each other's dreams. "And so you decided you could pay the pilot a visit?"
She shrugged. "You were the only one awake. I didn't want to wake any of the others. I guess Visas needs her sleep, 'cause she's always training someone and that bounty hunter girl would have done something very painful to me, if I'd woken her up."
"Mira," he said a little absentmindedly, "her name is Mira."
She made a face. "Whatever."
For a moment it was quiet between the two, but Adana made no attempt at leaving so Atton grudgingly motioned to the co-pilot's seat. "Might want to enjoy the view, mylady."
The girl stuck out her tongue, and climbed into the co-pilot's seat. Adana was short for her age, and she seemed even shorter sitting in the oversized seat. For a while it was quiet again, but after a while Adana said quietly: "I meant that. She misses you."
He turned to her. He didn't need to ask who "she" was, both of them knew it very well. "How do you know, huh?" The girl drew her legs toward, and it seemed like she was shivering in the oversized shirt and shorts she was wearing as her nightclothes. Sighing a little, Atton tossed her his jacket, grumbling something like "Don't tell anyone. My rep would be ruined forever."
With a face Adana took the jacket and covered herself with it. "I've seen it in her dreams. She's always searching for you in some dark alley or stuff like that. Doesn't feel very nice."
He was surprised to feel actually sorry for the girl. Being stuck against your will in the mind of a woman who had killed thousands of beings and who was considered a "wound in the Force" by some and having to experience the same anguish she had to suffer from was nothing he wanted any eleven-year old to experience. Hell, he wanted no one to experience something like that. He found himself wishing he could relieve Adana somehow of this burden and take it upon himself. "I'm… sorry."
The girl shrugged again and said with a strange wisdom well beyond her age: "What for? It's not your fault. It's not even her fault, I guess. Anyway, why's she always calling out for you and none of the others?"
He raised his eyebrow. Okay, so maybe Adana hadn't seen those kind of dreams. "Because… we are… we…" Why in the Force was it so hard to tell the girl that he loved Né? Come to think of it, he never told anyone he loved Né. Not even the woman in question herself.
"You… what?" She wrinkled her nose. Did the child really not know anything about the love between men and women? She grew up in a Refugee Camp with her single mother. What do you think, stupid?, his inner Mical scolded him, and he made a face.
"We… I… love her. I love her." Alright, am I really having this conversation with a fracking eleven-year old?
"Oh. Does she know it?" What the…? Just when had this conversation turned into this? Where had been the point of no return, huh?
"She…"
Adana looked scolding now. "You never told her, huh?"
Alright, enough was enough. "Adana, I don't think this is any of your business, really."
The kid threw him an indignant look. "My mum always told me that you had to tell the people you loved about it. She said, you never knew if something would happen and so you had to make sure people you loved knew about it."
"Very clever woman, your mum."
She nodded, and when she said: "Yeah.", he could already hear the tears that were threatening to spill down her cheeks any moment. Aw, no, kid, don't cry, will you?
But it was already too late. She tried to hide it, but tears had started running down her cheeks. Atton silently cursed himself. He was bad enough with crying women, but crying girls were about the worst thing you could throw at him. What in the hell did you do with an eleven-year old that was crying because her mother died just days ago in a planet-wide Force drain and who had just formed a bond to a totally stranger which forced her to take part in dreams that weren't hers and that she didn't understand?
Nothing different than with a women that was crying her eyes out because she had just witnessed her trusted teacher and friend drain out three men she had once considered her teachers as well, he found out only minutes later. Tentatively he had gotten up from his chair and had put an unsure hand on one of Adana's shoulders. At first she had tried to shake him off, still telling him nothing was wrong and that he should leave her alone, but as he had spun around the chair and put a second hand on the other shoulder, she had uncurled herself and had almost jumped right into his awkward embrace.
Now that situation – woman in his arms that was needed to cry herself to sleep – he knew by heart and so he just shifted Adana enough so that he could sit down in the chair with her and hold her while her body shook with sobs.
In the end Mira found both of them asleep in the co-pilot's chair when she went into the cockpit to take her turn. Against her will she found a smile creeping up her face. There was just something about men holding children that even she couldn't withdraw herself from.
A/N: Tada, another chapter. Though I feel like the development between Mira and Mical (or the M&Ms, as I started to call them in my head ;)) seems a bit rushed, and I should have taken more time for them. Opinions, anyone? anyway, thanks for the reviews again, and I hope I'll soon get internet at home 'cause quite frankly I hate writing without being able to access my favorite internet dictionary and Star Wars Wiki.