Ready
When I'm around her I feel like I have to think about what I say before I say it. When I'm talking to her; telling her a story, and I have her full attention, I feel so conscious of the hand gestures I make and the expressions that form on my face. When she leans in toward me to whisper an inappropriate yet amusing remark about one of the Potentials while we watch them train, I feel like I'm losing my vision. And yesterday when I heard her laugh; one of those really raucous laughs from her soul; I felt like I was in love.
She doesn't know any of this of course. Outwardly I give none of this away, instead sticking to my well rehearsed and expected aloofness and detachment. I guess I probably appear even more detached this time around because I don't even offer the trademark crude comments and flirtations anymore. And that's how I know it's different. Different from that dark, messed-up teenager who came to find her all those years ago. Also different 'cause I can feel it in every single part of who I am. It's true you know. I never believed that before when people would go on and on about how being in love was something you could actually feel. But now I know differently. You can feel it swirling in your mind, tugging at your insides, stroking all of your senses. It's making me feel so fucking alive that sometimes I think I might just pop or something. And if I get caught breaking out in to a stupid grin one more time when I'm watching her, I think my tough as nails image is gonna be dust.
Dust, dust, dust everywhere…..clouding the air around us as we simultaneously stake two vampires. Dust that's now being rubbed from my cheek by her thumb. She's just being friendly, but for that fleeting moment that our eyes meet I know I could die happy because I see love staring back at me. I know it's not the kind of love that I'd prefer, but it's still love and that's a whole world away from disgust or hate. She says we've done enough for one night and asks if I'd like to take a walk with her. So now we're sitting on the dewy grass up at Lookout Point, watching the sun rise, bringing a new day to Sunnydale. She's just finished telling me her plan. Her plan to defeat the First. The plan that involves Willow empowering every Potential in the world. An army of slayers. I am simply blown away by her. She never fails to amaze me and I am kind of awed that she has chosen to share this with me before anyone else. So we sit in silence, just watching the colours change in the sky and enjoying the rare peace that only the start of a new day can bring.
This day could easily be my last, 'cause in about four hours we're gonna be going into the Hellmouth and facing our biggest battle yet. But I don't care. When she reaches over for my hand……….…..I know I'm ready.