Imagine a scene where two little kids are playing tag. One of the kids is blond, a loud and energetic little kid. The other is a brunet, a shy yet friendly child. The boys are chasing each other as a form of entertainment. Currently the blond is running away from the brunet. But the blond is running out of breath, slowing down with each step. And then, the brunet's hand touches the shoulder of the blond.
"Tag! You're it!"
"You've been avoiding me."
"No shit Sherlock," Jou muttered, slamming his locker shut. He swiftly turned around and started walking away without even a goodbye or even a careless insult. Seto simply followed.
"Jou," he whispered. Jou froze in his footsteps.
"Don't," he murmured in reply, tears choking up his voice. But Seto was persistent and wouldn't give up so easily.
"We need to talk," he stated simply. Jou took a deep breath and turned around, slowly lifting his face to look up at the man behind him.
"What's there to say?" Jou asked, his voice so close to breaking. He paused, letting the silence sift between them. He recollected himself. "What we did Seto, it crossed the line. It may have begun as just a fling but it… it meant something to me, Seto." Jou ran his hand through his hair absentmindedly, taking another deep breath. "It's not going to work."
"Why not?"
"Why not?" Jou said exasperated. "Don't be so naïve." Seto raised his eyebrows questionably but Jou just ignored this motion. "We hated each other," Jou stepped closer towards Seto, his voice down to a low whisper. "And we let it continue, pretending that we still did." Jou laughed bitterly. "The rules changed on me- they changed on us." Seto just nodded, silent for a moment. Then he spoke.
"I forgive you Jou for being selfish and only thinking about yourself because it is too often that I pretend that I have no emotions so that it is easy to believe that I don't. But I do and just to let you know, it affected me too." Seto sighed then, his voice and manner suddenly becoming more business like. "But you're right. It wouldn't work. It's better to just forget it ever happened." He gave Jou a curt nod. "Good day," and with that Seto walked down the hallway and out into the parking lot.
Jou stared after him.
And then he ran, ran after Seto only to watch from the school's steps Seto's car driving off into the distance. The light rain that had started to fall only moments before began to hurl itself to the ground in buckets. Jou stepped into the rain, taking slow steps and letting the cold rain soak him to the skin. His clothes stuck tightly onto his thin body.
It had begun so simply; first a kiss, then two, then many. With Seto enticing him into empty classrooms, luring him into secluded areas. Seto's hands running through his hair, caressing the crevices of his body, sending shivers down his spine.
It had felt so good. So good to have a warm body to lean up against. So good to have some secret lover to run away with during otherwise boring free time. So good to feel wanted. But then Seto invited him over to his house. And Jou made the mistake of accepting.
It was a mistake to accept the invitation in the first place, to bring their so-called relationship out of its usual arena. And then it was a mistake to go into Seto's limo and continue to play with all the interesting buttons. It was definitely a mistake to enter Seto's house. And obviously it was a big mistake to follow Seto into his room. It was a mistake to then continue being in his room after the door was shut and locked. It was another mistake to let Seto lead him to the bed. And yet another mistake when Jou laid down on the bed next to Seto. It was a mistake to kiss Seto then and to let Seto deepen it, getting his tongue involved. It was a mistake to let his shirt become unbuttoned and fall gently to the floor. And it was a mistake to let the rest of his clothes follow. And unquestionably it was a mistake to let Seto's clothes join them. And the rest…. Those were mistakes too.
Jou sat down on the grass, staring out into the world around him. For some reason, it no longer felt real to him.
Emotions are confusing creatures, dwellers of the night and stalkers of the day. There is desire, the want of something. Like how a five-year-old desires an ice-cream cone, all special and rare and delicious for someone so young. And of course so easily within reach. Oh how Jou wishes to be five again, to have what he desires so attainable, and to have his wishes so effortlessly granted.
And there's regret, the scary monster five-year-olds have yet to uncover. Regret of doing a deed that really didn't need to be done. Regret that something considered so special might not mean anything at all, that it might so easily be tossed away and forgotten. Regret that you took the wrong course and that there's no going back.
Then of course there's rejection, the thoughts of hell, the mutterings of the devil. No, you're not wanted after all. You've been returned because you're faulty. You're not worthwhile, not worth the effort or the risk. You're not special. You're not needed. You are easily disposable, easily forgotten. Who are you again? Oh yes, I believe I met you before but I'm afraid I can't bring myself to remember your name. You are not loved.
Jou lay down, burying his face into the wet grass. One by one he let the tears fall. One tear for being so stupid to follow Seto into his bedroom that fateful night. Another tear for being so naïve to believe that it meant anything. A tear for hoping that his feelings weren't only one-sided when obviously he knew the truth. A tear for thinking that he could just forget this whole event and go on with his life. A tear for screwing up the one thing that he had ever felt so strongly about.
Jou's crying turned into sobs; wracking painful sobs.
"Seto," Jou breathed deeply as Seto's lips pressed gently against his collar-bone. Seto slowly moved his mouth up to Jou's neck, nipping it lightly. "Kiss me," Jou whimpered impatiently. .
"Be patient aijin," Seto whispered seductively, sending a shiver down Jou's spine.
"….It wouldn't work. It's better to just to forget…"
Why?
Jou sat on Seto's desk right behind the laptop on which he was working on. Jou sat there quietly, watching Seto.
"There's no one here," he whispered into Seto's ear causing him to jump.
"What did you have in mind?" Seto asked, acting nonchalant. Jou licked his lips and stared at Seto, almost making him squirm.
"Lots," Jou murmured. Seto put away his computer.
"….It's better…To forget…"
Why?
Jou stared into the dark at the boy who lay panting next to him. He could feel Seto's skin soft against his own, each of them naked, both literally and symbolically. The two boys avoided each others eyes, trying to find something stable to rest their gaze on. Unable to find such a thing their eyes locked and they stared at each other for a moment. Suddenly, Jou felt a fluttering feeling in his stomach, rising all the way up to his heart.
"…It wouldn't work…"
Why?
Jou continued to cry, not caring if anyone thought him to be a spectacle, just lying in the grass crying his heart out. But there was nothing else he could doand nothing else he could say. His heart was breaking.
And, no matter how hard they tried, all the king's horses and all the king's men would not be able to put Jou's heart back together again.
– To Be Continued –
Aijin: Lover in Japanese (supposedly)
Thank you for reading.