Chapter 4
Looking Back
'I had a dream with Ed staring at me. Maybe I'll rephrase that. He was examining me like I was an alien, or like I'd grown a couple of limbs out of my skull. If that wasn't weird enough, he was way too close to me, too, and that was disturbing in a weird sort of way . . . . Strange how his eyes always seem to change, even when I'm looking at him. There's a million colors mixed into the gold. I'm not sure which I like better: his hair or his eyes. I think it may be his hair . . . .'
Ed snorted as he remembered the dream she was talking about in her diary. She had written to him about it. He was in the middle of reading her letter when Al wanted to study for the State Alchemist exams
Ed shook his head slowly, and he wondered once more if he hadn't made a colossal mistake in wanting to read Winry's diary. He didn't really have a right to know these things, did he? Winry had written it all, believing that no one else would ever see the things she remembered. He tilted his head back to look at her. The contentment in her expression shocked him. "Winry?"
"Hmm?"
"If you don't want me to read your journal, I won't." He stifled a sigh as her fingers stopped moving. 'I like that a little too much,' he thought wryly.
"I don't mind if you read it," she replied with a shrug. "I trust you."
He scowled and flopped over onto his back to stare into her eyes. "Why?"
The gentle smile that surfaced made her eyes glow. She pressed her lips together and shrugged. "Because you've never given me a reason not to. You've always told me stuff even if not in words and protected me without asking for anything in return, and . . ." she exhaled slowly and lifted her chin to stare at the wall though her smile remained. "I feel safe with you."
'She feels safe? With me?' He smiled slightly, just a slight upturn at the corners of his lips. "You're sure?"
"Yep," she answered, wiggling her hand under his shoulder and trying to pull him back onto his side. "Now move it."
He rolled his eyes but complied.
'I'm not sure which freaked me out worse the way he looked at me or the way it made me feel. Man do I miss him . . .'
Ed closed the book and pushed it aside.
"Finish that entry?" Winry asked.
"Yeah," he said, clearing his suddenly scratchy voice. "Yeah, I read enough."
'I never even thought about what it was doing to Winry,' he thought with a sigh full of self-disgust. 'Or about what I was doing to her . . . . Baka!'
"Winry?"
"Hmm?"
"Did it hurt? When I left so many times? I'm not saying it should of or anything."
Her sigh was soft, and her fingers stilled for a moment before resuming their task. "No . . . not really. It just felt a little weird, like every second of my life was pulled away with you."
He flinched. She didn't see it. "Why did you keep writing to me?"
She shrugged as though she thought the answer was a simple thing. "I thought you needed me."
'I did . . . I still do . . . . "Aren't you sick of me yet?"
"Nope." She gasped, fingers stopping abruptly. He could feel her push aside his hair and gently run her fingertips along the base of his ears. She uttered a strangled sort of almost-moan, and she said, "Ed? How . . . You have scars on your ears?"
Quickly he sat up, pulling away from Winry's touch, and he couldn't meet her concerned gaze. "Do I?" he hedged.
"What happened?" she asked quietly, her voice full of sadness, confusion. "How did you get them?"
"It was nothing," he replied quickly, angrily, hating the compassion she showed him, despising the weakness that the scars showed. Mostly, though, he loathed the painful memories that they represented. 'Scar standing a couple of feet away with Al by his side. Ed called for Al but he didn't respond and in response Scar shot at Ed almost ripping Ed's right ear off-.'
"Ed . . . ?"
She reached out to touch him. He jerked away as the tide of recollections overcame him. He stalked to the window, threw it open, and leaped out into the night.
Winry ran to the window and watched him as he wandered across the courtyard and sat on the fence and gazed at the stars.
She hadn't noticed the scars before. It wasn't surprising since they were flush against the base of his ears almost even with his skull. Buried under his thick hair, they were little more than thin, hairless lines.
o0o0()0o0o
Sobbing, wailing, he couldn't help the noises that escaped despite his resolve not to let them see him cry. He tried to run, tried to hide
Ed squeezed his eyes closed, willed away the bitter image of the memories that still had the skill to draw blood. They wouldn't let go.
"I want mother," he whimpered in the darkened night. Alone and scared and yet somehow knowing that Mother wasn't coming to save him. They said she was dead . . . . What did that mean?
The sliver of moon was high in the sky. He felt the chill winds hit him, blowing his hair, whipping his shirt. He didn't feel the cold. Staring at the weak moon in the sky reminded him of the long, bitter nights after he'd escaped them. All he could recall was that he had to run away by the light of the moon, on a very cold night.
His bare feet sank as he wandered across the damp field, the tears on his face would have drenched his shirt if he hadn't kept wiping them away . He'd sought huddled against the rocks to keep warm. He hadn't known then that the rocks made him colder.
'Wake up, Ed. Do you wish to freeze?"
He heard the voice but couldn't answer. As if it were a dream, he opened his eyes but couldn't see past the haze that engulfed his vision.
"Get up and move. If you lay down in this cold, you will not rise again."
He'd forced himself to do as the voice had instructed. He ran all night. In the morning, he woke up in his bed with Al still asleep.
Ed scowled as the memory faded away. He hadn't thought of that night in years. He hadn't known who had spoken to him at the time. When he was finally able to see clearly, the man was gone but Ed remembered his voice, hoping to find him. He'd sounded so familiar that, even as a child, Ed had instinctively known that the being was family.
'Envy,' Ed thought as his scowl deepened. 'Why did you save me back then?'
"Ed? Do you want to come back inside?" He didn't make any gesture to show that he'd heard Winry. She stood beside him, staring up at him. "I'll leave my window open for you, okay? If you get cold . . . ."
He heard her sigh, heard her turn to go back inside. Suddenly he hopped off the fence, grabbed her arm and turned her back to face him. He let her go and scooted back, staring at the ground between them. She remained silent, waiting for him to speak. He drew a deep breath, unable to decide where he could possibly start.
"You remember that day Al left us at the hospital?" he finally said, his voice no more than a whisper in the night. She made a sound somewhere between a sob and then nodded. Still he didn't look at her. "After my brother left I went after him."
Drawing a steadying breath, he blinked slowly before speaking again. "Al met up with a man named Scar and they made a deal to find everything they could about Al. Well I caught up with them. Scar was in a battle with a Homunculi named Gluttony. Scar shot at me when I tried to get near Al. The blast almost ripped of my ear. Before the battle was over and we all fled Scar used a philosopher Stone that was in his arm to bring Al back to his real body. Something I couldn't do.
"It hurt to know that I couldn't save my brother from something I caused. I was scared. I remember wondering why I couldn't do that . . . I remember that it hurt . . . I didn't tell Al in fear of him thinking me selfish. I hurts knowing that I caused him to be in that tin can but I couldn't fix it. I couldn't do anything. Just like when I couldn't bring mother back"
"Ed . . . ."
He shook his head stubbornly, needing to tell her, as though he had to make her understand. The pain was a bitter thing. He tightened his fist into a ball and swallowed a few times to get rid of the rising lump in his throat, the one that threatened to choke him if he didn't keep talking. "I kept it inside from Al afraid of his look of disgust. I didn't understand for the longest time, why I couldn't save him from his pain of loneliness. It wasn't until later that I figured out what it meant, to feel dead in the inside."
Winry shook her head. "You don't have to tell me this. I know it hurts you."
"I think that was worse than any other injury or pain I've had since. I didn't think I could forgive myself. The feeling just kept bleeding . . . ." He drew a deep breath. "Anyway, that's where the scars came from."
She shook her head slowly, as though she didn't understand why. "Why didn't you tell me? All this time I've tried to get you to talk and I yelled at you . . . I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."
"You don't," he muttered.
"I'm so selfish . . . Ed . . .."
He didn't look up but he could hear the sobs coming from her. "Winry? Don't . . .."
She sniffled and heaved a shaky sigh. "Why would you feel that way? I don't understand how you could feel that way, and Al would understand-" She cut herself off viciously as a sob escaped. Clumsily, Ed reached out, wiped her cheeks.
"Don't cry, not for me."
And then his arms were full of Winry. She threw herself against him, burying her face in his haori as she sobbed harder. Hesitantly, he wrapped his arms around her. 'Why is it that her tears are enough? Why do they . . . heal me?'
"I have to cry for you because you never cry for yourself." He held her until her crying stopped, until she wound down to hiccups and stuttered breaths. Finally she pulled back and turned away only to hold out a small wrapped package. With a watery smile-all the more endearing for the cautious hope in her face as she offered him the gift-she shrugged and laughed self-consciously.
"What's this?" he asked, almost afraid to take the package.
She pushed it closer to him and sighed. "It's not much. You'll probably think it's stupid."
He took it and slowly tore off the paper. He blinked in surprise as he stared at the book in his hands. "A book?"
"It's a journal. I just thought maybe . . . if you wanted to . . . you could put your painful memories in that. Then you'd never have to think about them again."
He frowned as he stared at the volume in his hands. 'Maybe someday,' he thought. 'Just not . . . yet.'
She shook her head and forced a smile. "Told you it was stupid. Here . . .."
He caught the hand she held out for the book. "Thank you . . . no one's ever really given me anything before."
Winry stared at him for a long moment. With a small smile, she leaned over and brushed her lips over his cheek.
Ed's eyes widened in shock as he felt heat rush to the surface of his skin. Thanking whatever was listening, he could only be grateful that it was dark. He cleared his throat and gathered her close. "Let's get you back inside before you freeze."
She giggled softly.
A/N:
Okay this is my first fan fic of Full metal and my first high school fic of full metal. So tell me what you think of it please. I am begging you. To please help me by sending reviews. That purple button that say submit review at the bottom of the screen is my only means of survival.
Reviews:
Bob's Castle: (CC)
Final Wish and Warslayer
FFNetFinal Thought From Ed:
A Journal?
Blanket Disclaimer for this fanfic (Will apply to this and all other chapters in A thin Silver Strand): I do not claim any rights to The Full Metal Alchemist or the characters associated with the anime, video game, mange. etc. Those rights belong to whoever created it, I don't know who that is right now but I will find out. I do offer my gratitude to whomever for creating characters that I can torment and make cry like babies.
War Slayer Dev