Chapter 13

"Duquesne," Calleigh said, answering her cell phone. It was Sunday and they were sitting on a rock on the beach near his house. She had insisted that they leave the house, because he hadn't gone anywhere or done much of anything except sleep since Friday afternoon. So he'd agreed to walk to the beach. Leaving the house had been harder than he'd expected it to be, but he was better now that they were out and about.

"I think that would be all right, but let me ask him," Calleigh said to the person on the other end of the line. She covered the mouthpiece of the phone and turned to him. "It's Horatio. He wants to know if you'd be up to dinner tonight."

"Dinner?" he asked, frowning.

"Yes, dinner. I'd come too, if you wanted," she said.

"Um, ok, but why?" he asked.

"I would guess he wants to talk to you about tomorrow," she said, with a shrug. "Should I tell him it's ok?"

Ah, tomorrow. Whether he'd be allowed to go back to work. "Uh, yeah. That's fine," he answered.

The tension that had almost disappeared as they sat in the sun watching the ocean crept back across his shoulders as Calleigh told Horatio they'd meet him at 6 at the Ocean Club. "If you want, I don't have to come," she said, looking sidelong at him.

"Do you not want to come?" he asked, slightly worried. She'd put up with a lot from him this week. He wouldn't blame her if she were tired of it.

"No, I don't mind coming along. I just thought that you might want to talk to Horatio alone," she said with a shrug.

"No. No, not really. You should come. Really," he said, nervously.

"All right, all right," she said, reaching out to pat his hand. "I'll come. Don't worry."

"Good," he said.

They sat in silence for a little while before Calleigh stood up and stretched. "It's 4:30. Maybe we should head back."

"Maybe," he said, not moving. He really was not anxious to get to dinner. He hadn't talked to Horatio since Thursday morning, when he'd been frantically trying to get H to let him stay on the case.

"Tim, come on. You need a shower. And some decent clothes," she said, reaching out to pull him upright.

"Cal…" he said, but didn't know where he wanted to go with it.

"It's going to be okay, you know that, right? Really, Tim, you're about a hundred times better today than you were when I talked to you yesterday and you're at least a thousand times better than you were on Thursday. Whatever happened Friday afternoon has obviously helped a lot. Not to mention that you've probably more than caught up on your sleep. Horatio is going to see that. You're not all the way there, yet, maybe, but you're getting there," she said.

"I know," he said softly.

"All right, then," she said, as they started picking their way across the sand towards the boardwalk leading to the parking lot. "I really don't think you have anything to worry about. I know Alexx talked to him."

"She did?" he asked.

"Yeah, yesterday sometime. I don't know exactly what she said, but he knows you were behaving yourself this weekend. No work, and all," she replied.

"Oh," he said.

"I told him that you weren't working, that you were resting, too," she said.

"Ok," he replied.

"He was pleased about that, you know. He really does just want you to get better," she said.

"I know. I just…I don't know. It's nothing," he sighed.

"I'm sure it's not, but ok," she said.

"I don't…if he doesn't let me go back to work, at least in the lab, I don't know if…work helps, Calleigh," he said. "I know you all don't understand that, but work helps. It really does, most of the time."

"Tim, we do understand that. That's not the problem. The problem is you use work like my daddy uses booze. You use it to forget and so you don't have to think. And that's not healthy. That's what makes us worried. It's not that you love your work and that you throw yourself into it. It's the reasons why you throw yourself into it. And the fact that you do so to the extent that you do things that are a little bit self-destructive. Like not sleeping and not eating, and driving around alone at night hoping you don't crash the car. That's what worries us- the self-destructive part," she explained.

"I don't mean to be," he said. "It's just…I'm not a good sleeper."

"I know you aren't, honey. But that catches up to you, and when you get all wrapped up in the work, you get to the point where it takes you over and then you lose ground and you get exhausted. We know you're an insomniac. That's really never been in question- hell, I figured that out the first month I knew you. It's the fact that sometimes you don't do anything about the fact you can't sleep, and then you'll get all stuck on work and then it just makes it worse. That's the problem. The bottom line is, Tim, you don't take care of yourself. For whatever reason- you think it's better that way, you don't think you deserve to be happy, whatever. And that's what Horatio is trying to get through to you. That's why he grounded you and threatened to put you on leave. He had to do that, because you just plain wouldn't listen any other way. And he did it because you need to fix whatever it is that gets you all het up so that you start getting self-destructive. Because one day, Tim, one day, it's going to catch up to you, and you're not going to be able to stop. You're going to go over that edge, and we're all going to lose you. And none of us wants that to happen," she said.

"I know," he whispered.

"Ok, then," Calleigh said, as they walked up his driveway. "So do something about it."

"It's…not that easy," he said, as he unlocked the door and let them inside.

"I know that, Tim. I really do. But it would be a lot easier if you would just let someone help you. Someone, anyone. None of us really care who it is- whether it's a professional, or just one of us. We just want you to let someone in, you know," she said.

"I know," he nodded. "I do know that. It's just…that's not easy, either."

"I know that, too. Just try, ok? Promise me you'll try, just a little bit?" she asked, reaching out to turn him to face her.

He couldn't quite meet her eyes, but he didn't look away, either. "Ok. I'll try. Or, try to try, anyway."

"I'll take it," she said, smiling a little. "Go on and get cleaned up, ok?"

"Right," he said.

A few hours later, he was slouched in a booth at the Ocean Club, drumming his fingers nervously against the bench. Calleigh reached over and tried to still his hand, but he wouldn't let her. She laughed. "Horatio, I swear to God, he was a whole lot calmer earlier. Promise."

Horatio smiled back at her. "Oh, I'm sure he was."

Tim scowled at Calleigh, but tried to sit still. Two minutes later, he was fidgeting again. "Tim!" Calleigh said, with no small amount of exasperation.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Speed, if I told you that you could come back to work tomorrow, would you calm down?" Horatio asked, somewhat amused.

He straightened and looked up at Horatio. "And the catch?" There would be conditions, he was sure of it.

The waitress arrived with their food before Horatio could answer. After she had set their plates in front of them, Horatio replied, "Let's discuss that after we eat. I want to think about that a little more."

"Ok," Tim said, nervously. Calleigh shook her head.

The meal continued peacefully. Calleigh and Horatio chit-chatted about a mutual friend while Tim tried to concentrate on his food. He wasn't terribly hungry, but he knew Horatio was watching to see whether he ate. He was sure that would be part of the conditions connected to working. Horatio and Calleigh had both finished their meals before he was half done with his plate. He glanced up from the food as Calleigh excused herself to the restroom.

"So," Horatio said, turning his attention towards Tim.

Tim swallowed, and put his silverware down. "Yeah?"

"Alexx told me about Friday," Horatio said.

"She did?" He winced, inwardly. That wouldn't be good, he didn't think.

"She was of the opinion that you'd hit bottom at that point. Was she right?" Horatio asked.

He glanced away, both out of nervousness and out of a bit of shame. "I think…maybe, yes," he said finally.

"I thought so," Horatio nodded. "You do seem a lot better tonight, though, Speed. You look better, anyway. On Thursday, I was afraid you were going to keel over at any moment. You don't look like that anymore."

"I…caught up on my sleep," he said, trying to bring himself to look at Horatio instead of past him.

"I know. Calleigh and Alexx both said. That's good." Horatio regarded him for a long moment. "All right, then. I will allow you back into the field tomorrow."

Tim's head jerked up as he stared at Horatio with hope rising in his chest. He had barely expected to be allowed back into the lab, let alone the field. "If?" he asked.

"If you continue to leave at six and not come in until seven," Horatio said.

"Ok," Tim nodded.

"And if you continue to take all of your breaks and meals."

"Right," he said.

"And you're not working anything solo, indefinitely. I want you with someone out in the field at all times."

"All right," he agreed.

"And your gun gets cleaned tonight, in front of either me or Calleigh. Whomever you prefer, but one of us has to see you do it," Horatio said, seriously.

"I can do that," he said.

"You're on thin ice, you understand?" Horatio said. "If I see that you aren't taking care of yourself, or if you're not complying with these conditions, I will not hesitate to put you on medical leave. You understand that, yes?"

"I understand," Tim said, nodding.

"Good. Now, I am going to suggest that you talk to someone, professionally. I'm not going to require it, but I do think it would be a very good idea. I know some very good people both inside the department and outside of it, and I can give you some names if you want," Horatio said, tilting his head.

Tim bit his lip, but shook his head. "I don't…let me think, ok?"

"Thinking is fine. I just want you to give it some serious consideration."

"Right. I'll try," he promised.

"Good enough," Horatio replied. "I'm not doing this to punish you, you know that, right?"

"I know it," he said softly, nodding.

"All right, good. You know my door is open, right? Anytime, day or night."

"I know. Thank you," he added.

"You're welcome. I know you can do this, Tim. I'm counting on you."

"Right," he said. "I know."

"All right, then. We've got a deal," Horatio said, nodding firmly. "Oh, and if you're done eating, that's all right. Don't finish it if you're not hungry," he said, indicating Tim's plate.

"Ah, yeah, ok," he said, somewhat relieved. He really wasn't hungry. Hadn't been, for days.

Horatio smirked as Calleigh returned to the table. "Everything good?" she asked.

"Everything's fine," Horatio replied.

"Good. I'm glad," she said, looking at Tim. He nodded at her. "All right, then, I want dessert, but I don't want it here," she said, decisively.

"Agreed," Horatio said. "The food is good, but this is really not a dessert place."

"Well, if you're done, Tim, we can go find a better dessert place?" she asked.

He pushed his plate away. "Yeah, I'm ready."

"Great. How does ice cream sound?" she asked, as Horatio paid the check.

"I could do ice cream," he said, considering.

"Ice cream it is, then," Horatio said, as they gathered their things to leave the restaurant.