Chapter 15

I'm sure you could have guessed, but parts of this chapter are definitely not pretty...

He moaned as he returned to consciousness. One of his eyes wouldn't open completely as he blinked. He could see Eric and the bullet wound if he turned his head, which made him gag. People don't survive bullet wounds that look like that, he knew. He managed to roll up onto all fours, gagging and spitting blood. There was blood everywhere, it was all he could smell, all he could taste, and all he could feel, the wet stickiness all over him. Everything hurt and nothing hurt. He had no idea how long he'd been unconscious. No idea what was going on.

A flash of memory. Megan's voice saying, very seriously, "These new pagers have a panic button. If you hit this button, it sends an alarm and a GPS signal to the switchboard. So if you're ever in something and you need help, hit the button, and we'll come find you, ok?" He fumbled for the pager that still hung on his belt and found the button. But even so, help would be a half hour coming, they were so far out. His gun seemed to be gone. He managed to struggle to his feet, still dripping blood, and looked around, trying to determine what had happened. Hagen's white shirt caught his attention and he stumbled over towards the detective, who was lying barely conscious.

Put pressure on it, idiot, he thought, as he fell to his knees in front of Hagen. He reached out to try to stop the blood seeping out of a wound in Hagen's torso.

"No," Hagen moaned. "Gotta secure scene. Get help."

Tim tried to tell him he'd already hit his panic button, but he found that his mouth wouldn't open. Or wouldn't close, he couldn't tell. It felt disconnected from his body. He fought panic as he tried to say "…id, re'dy."

"Radio in car. Get help," Hagen said, again, not comprehending what Tim had said.

In frustration, Tim held up his pager. "id, a'rdy. An't, alk right."

"K," Hagen gasped. "Gotta secure scene," he directed.

Tim made a noise of wordless frustration, but looked around. He didn't see anything, but it was really hard to see with only one eye. And he was dizzy. But Hagen was more of a cop than Tim would ever be, and Tim found a gun strapped to the detective's ankle. He pulled himself back up to his feet and staggered around the room, looking out the door. "on't see nothn," he mumbled, coming back to Hagen. This time he ignored the protests as he put pressure on Hagen's wounds.

He had no idea how long he sat there, trying to stop the bleeding. No idea if he was bleeding himself. There was so much blood everywhere that he couldn't tell. But eventually, he heard sirens and hands pulled him away from Hagen, who had lost consciousness by then. He struggled against the hands as they pulled him away and bundled him onto a gurney.

"Sir? Sir, you need to hold still," the EMT said.

"Na, na, need H," he insisted. If the paramedics were there, Horatio would be too. Horatio wouldn't leave them out there alone, he knew that.

"Sir, I really need you to remain calm, you've been badly hurt. We're going to help you, just be still," the EMT tried again. He fought against her, violently.

"Need H," he tried to yell. Yelling was too hard, though. He struggled against the EMT again, and against her partner who had also come to try and hold him down. "g'tta ell H."

"Speed! I'm here, I'm here, it's all right. Calm down, let them help." Horatio came rushing over. "It's all right."

"Na! Not. G'tta…" he reached out and grabbed Horatio's arm with his blood smeared hands, just to make sure he was really there.

"I've got you buddy," Horatio said. "I've got you."

"G'tta ell ou," he mumbled.

"Tell me what?" Horatio said.

"Lue t'too. 'ad a lue t'too."

"He had a blue tattoo?" Horatio asked, frowning.

"Ah," Tim said, nodding.

"Ok, buddy, I got it. Rest, ok? Let them help you,"

"Ait! E'ic idn't know…idn't know," he said, frantically, as the EMT wrestled one of his arms away in his distraction. He didn't even feel the IV needle slipping under his skin in his panicked need to explain.

"Eric didn't know?" Horatio asked, trying to decipher what he'd said.

"Ah. Idn't know." He wanted to explain further, but the drugs the EMT put in the IV combined with the dizziness made him black out again.

Something bright flashed, and he saw a bright, dizzying scene for a split second before things abruptly became very calm and dim. He felt odd, like he was floating. It was something like he thought zero gravity must feel like. He didn't seem to be really able to move, but he could look around. And when he did, he saw Eric standing in front of him.

"Wha?" he said, confused.

"Yeah, I know, you don't know what's happening. It's ok. You're not going to, really. And I don't know how much time I've got, so you gotta be patient with me, ok?" Eric said.

"Um, ok," he said. He could talk again, which was a relief. "What happened? What's going on?"

"Well, we got ambushed, is what happened. And right now, you're in surgery. You're pretty badly hurt, but they're trying to fix you up. They're going to succeed, though, you know," Eric explained.

"You know that?" he asked, confused.

"Oh, yeah. I know a lot of things now. I can see all of it, and it all makes sense now. I can see what happened to you, with Jason and everything," Eric said, nodding. "I gotta say, I understand a whole hell of a lot better now. I always thought you were a pretty tough guy, tougher than I was, for sure. But I didn't know how hard you'd had to fight."

Tim shook his head. "I don't…"

"No, you're not going to understand. That's ok. You don't need to right now. You might, eventually. Or you might not remember this at all. I don't know. But I do know there's a couple things I wanted to tell you," Eric said, seriously.

"Like?" he asked.

"Like, I can see all these possibilities now, and I can see that you're never going to be everything you could be unless you let go. Let go of all of it."

"Eric, I…"

"No, listen. I don't have time for you to argue. You listen, I'm going to talk," Eric said, firmly. Tim nodded, mutely. "Good. If you don't let go, that's going to be what kills you, you understand? You did not exactly win the genetic lottery in mental health, I'm sure you've figured that one out already, right?" He nodded in response. "You've fought good and long and hard, longer than I think you even know, but you're going to lose if you try to do it all alone. You just are. You gotta listen to Calleigh and Alexx and Horatio, and do what they've been telling you to do. You can trust them. They'll get you through."

"Ok," he whispered.

"All right. And another thing, you don't get to feel guilty about today. You can't do that to yourself. Trust me, it was supposed to happen like this. God, there's so many thing I see now, so much I understand. This was supposed to happen. I wouldn't change a thing, even if I could. I'm all right, I'm better than that. I'm great. I had my hope of heaven and it's here, now. I know you don't believe like that, but I also know you wish you did. I'm not going to tell you what to do about that, but I'm going to tell you that it's ok, however you choose. I'm not lost out here, I'm where I'm supposed to be, ok?" Eric said, earnestly.

Tim nodded, slowly. "But…"

"But nothing. No one's lost here, we're none of us lost souls in the end. Not even you, you understand? You're not going to be out here alone when you get here, I promise."

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Yeah. Really. I can't tell you, you wouldn't believe me anyway, and besides, I really don't think you're going to remember all of this. I'm hoping you at least get to keep the gist of it, because otherwise, you're not going to make it to the end. And you've got a good ways to go," Eric said, with a smile. "You've got a long road ahead."

"Eric, I really don't…is this real?" he asked.

"I don't know, honestly. I'm not sure what real is, anymore. I just know that it's right, it's all right. And when you wake up, you're probably going to think this was all a hallucination. It's not, it wasn't, but I don't know if it's exactly real, either. If you've got to explain it that way to square it with yourself, then that's what you gotta do. And it's ok," Eric explained. He glanced aside. "It's almost time. Listen, there's people who love you, and you need to listen to them and let them love you. Let them help. It's ok. You know more than you think you do. Really. I'm ok, don't worry any about me. It's all good, in the end, Tim. It's all good. You be well," Eric said, as the calm dimness started to spin away again towards black.

His eyes seemed to open again on a dizzy flashing scene, and then darkness again, but it wasn't quite as dark as before. He could hear voices, vaguely.

"…think we ought to be worried about…"

"No…said they were giving him Ativan…"

"Could take awhile…"

"Hey, look, did he just move his leg…Tim, can you hear me?"

"Timmy, baby, it's time to open your eyes…"

"Come on, Little Man, it's time to wake up for me, can you wake up for me? I'm here, we're all here, so open your eyes for us…"

His eyes struggled open, and this time, things stayed in place. One eye seemed to be still swelled shut. He blinked, and his dad's face came into focus. "Hey, there, Little Man," he heard, softly. "You've had us really scared, there."

He tried to say something, but heard Alexx say, "No, baby, don't try and talk. They've got your jaw bandaged shut. You can't talk right now."

He blinked again, and moved his head a little to see Alexx standing on the other side of the bed. He became aware of a hand touching his leg, and looked over to see Calleigh near the foot of the bed. "Hey, Tim," she said, smiling sadly. He nodded a little, and turned his head again. He could see the window now.

It was raining, again.

End

A feeling inside in the back of my head
Like a song you still know from so long ago
And I wouldn't change a thing
Like a car driving by triggers something in my mind
Am I retrieving my direction or just charging forward blind?
Am I everything that you wanted me to be?
Have I lost that condition, a connection I couldn't see?

Til the end like a friend stands by you again
And I wouldn't change a thing
Toe to toe, friend or foe, it's all that I know
And I wouldn't change a thing
- "World Full of Hate", Dropkick Murphys

Now, before you all start telling me I'm evil (which you probably should, since I probably am, a little), let me tell you that this is just the end of this story. There's more to come, but probably not until after the first of the year. It will all become clear, in time. Or it won't. But I think you won't be disappointed, in the end. There's a long road yet, after all...