Disclaimer- We do not own the characters, they belong to J.K.Rowling, if we did own them, we wouldn't be here on We'd probably be on a ritzy cruise (but not TOM! hahaha) sailing around the Bahamas.

Cheers, Adie Ornament.

Meet Draco - The Aristocratic Pyromaniac

"Excuse me, Your Highness."

"What do you want? I'm obviously very, very busy." Draco flipped the page of his book and snuggled down deeper into the plush green armchair. He adjusted his specs, his eyes never once leaving the page. The messenger shuffled as he noticed the young man as making no move to leave or even listen.

"Your Highness, the king says it is an emergency-"

"Shove it."

"Your father is dying!"

"Really? Fascinating. Fortunately, I don't care. Sod off."

"O, woe is the kingdom! The king is on his last legs!"

"Yes, but how many legs has that man got? The whole "live forever" thing is all rather undignified."

"T'will be the most unhappy day. O unhappy day! The doctors give him but a month to live, Your Highness."

"Are you quite sure, lowly plebeian?"

"They are at his bedside now, Your Highness."

"Yes well, he did take his bloody time, didn't he? Pity though it's November. Winter is so drab for a coronation." He smiled to himself. "My coronation."

"This is your father, how can you be so cold blooded?" Draco hissed here. The messenger narrowed his eyes as if struck with a most unpleasant thought or perhaps he thought himself clever or attractive. Unfortunately, he was neither. "Are you really Prince Draco, Duke of Manchester?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "No, I'm a bowl of soup. Leave my sight urchin, before I use you for target practice." The rotund boy left, slamming the Royal Library doors behind him. Draco smiled, finally content to be rid of such an eyesore and the King. He raised out of his chair and made for the fireplace, passing rows of polished oak tables. The empty tables were a familiar sight to him, it seemed as though no books or hands had touched them, not even dust settled upon the dark brown surfaces except... A lone piece of parchment caught Draco's eye, he picked it up and read and slowly, the importance of it sunk in.

"I'm not in his will...I'm not in his will! Lucius, you dying bastard!" Draco cursed, crumpling and uncrumpling until the will was as crumpled as a very crumpled thing indeed. Finally calm, Draco knew there had to be some sort of logical or rational reason for this. "Well, this...this is insane, I'm his only son, heir to the throne. Surly t'is but a-"

"Misunderstanding? Yes, I suppose it is quite possible for King Lucius to have forgotten to put his son in his will."

Draco looked up to see a tall man shrouded with what looked to be skins. "Gods Zabini, where did you get back from? The war?"

"I was hunting actually, it's what men do. We don't sit around inside like pussies."

"You look like a pussy."

"Still jealous?"

"Still delusional?"

"Not as delusional as this one bloke I know. Thinks his father simply forgot to write him into his will. Completely mental, really."

"Shut up. I better speak to him today, before he dies and all."

"Anyways, enough of this bore. I was thinking we could take a trip down-"

"Old memory lane? 'Fraid I'll have to pass, dying father and all."

"I was thinking more along the lines of a pub or brothel."

"Typical Blaise, only ever thinking about the important things in life. Woman. Money. Beer."

"You flatter me but no. I was merely looking out for your well being, you look rather pale. How long ago did your perfectly sculpted face see sunshine?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "I'd say a couple months ago, hard to find a break between balancing work, repressing the church and peasants and ruling the kingdom."

"Exactly why you should come with me today. All of a sudden I was struck with an idea-"

"Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea where this is going myself." Draco muttered.

"We go down to the pub-"

"Or local whore house?"

"Yes! We spend all our money on women and beer-"

Draco faked enthusiasm. "Of course!"

"And this is the best part-" Here Draco joined in. "We get totally pissed."

"Zabini, you always manage to surprise me."

"Cut the crap, Your Highness. You coming?"

"No."

"Come on Draco, where's your sense of fun? Come on."

"Let's see, I have a feeling that I'll say 'No, I am never going anywhere with you, you complete and utter ponce', then you'll say something along the lines of 'Please Draco, you're my only friend. Who else can I count on to lend a supportive hand when I make a drunken spectacle out of myself and regurgitate my innards over the visiting foreign nobles?" to which I will most definitely reply 'There is not a chance in hell that person will be me'. So, what do say we just skip this idle banter, and get to the scrap?"

"Sounds good." And with that Blaise punched him in the stomach, launching him into a nearby bookshelf.

"You-"

"Bastard? Sadist? I get it already. Just hurry up and fight back." Here Blaise paused, putting down his fists. "Or, have you had enough already?"

Draco punched him across the face, sending him sailing over a table. "Poofter."

"Vampire." Smack.

"Slut." Pow.

"Conceited pig." Slap.

Draco stared at him. "Did...did you just slap me?"

Blaise coughed. "No, uh, no that was a very...very manly punch. You just dodged it."

"Right. So, what your saying is that, your girly, little slap just skimmed over me?"

"No. You're just to sissy-y to take a hit."

"Oh, really? I think-"

"Posh and hey nonny nonny, let's just go down for a beer and all that giggles and tits."

"Yeah, al'right. Just give me one second, have to do something. Meet me outside the gates."

Blaise stared at him suspiciously before leaving the library. Draco stared at the parchment in his hands, the evil, wicked, vile piece of writing. "You shall pay dearly for this father. I promise you this, that throne, that crown and all your money will be mine." Draco laughed until he was quite out of breath and then strode towards the fire with only one thing on his mind. Revenge.

XxXxX

"What took you so long?"

Draco bore an evil glint in his eye. "Business."

"Really? Why do I get the impression you're lying to me?"

Draco feigned innocence. "Who? Me?"

"No, Queen Victoria."

"No need to be sarcastic."

"Wouldn't want to steal your glory."

"Exactly. Now then, lead on Zabini. To the Hog's Head!"

"To the Hog's Head!" Blaise and Draco walked towards the town, a foul smell in the air shook them out of their good moods. "Draco? Do you smell something...burning?"

"We best run. The library's on fire."

Later that evening…

"Your Majesty, I present, Prince Draco!"

Draco leapt into his father's bedroom in a rather undignified manner.

"Draco, why have you leapt into my room in a rather undignified manner? Can't you see I'm on my death bed?"

Draco staggered across the room, falling to the ground after hitting the edge of King Lucius's bed. His hair was no longer smoothed back but dishevled and loose. His robes that once clung to his toned body were gone, clinging to the floor of the The Hog's Head instead. His breath which once smelled of the food he had eaten for lunch, now reeked with vulgarity and alcohol. "Hello father. You look positively spiffing today. I love what you've done to the room, the dim light really brings out the colour of your eyes." He slurred his words, spraying spit onto the silver velvet duvet that coiled itself around Lucius.

"They're cataracts you clot." Draco continued to dribble onto the bed sheets while Lucius stared on in horror. "Next time you wish to visit me, make sure you're actually in right of mind."

"Yes, well, next time you wish to visit me, make sure you include me in your will, father."

"You're out of my will for very good reason."

"O, really? And, pray tell, what reason of madness is that?"

Reason of madness? How much did this boy drink? "Well, before I am to die, there are certain requirements that the next King should qualify for."

"I qualify for everything and anything."

"Draco, listen-"

"Lucius-"

"Lucius?" Insolent, drunken boy! "How dare you address me so commonly! I may be bedridden and ill but that does not mean that you may withhold my title, I am after all, still king."

"Yes! You're Lucius, king of all the little hobbly gobblies and the toady gnomes"

Lucius would have rolled his eyes at the sight before him had they not been terribly sore. His son, was speaking in the language of toddlers, spewing a disgusting shade of pink on his covers and was, perhaps most horribly of all hobbly gobblies and toady gnomes- single.

"Draco, the reason you are not included in my will is that…A king must be the epitome of perfecion. He must be handsome-"

"I am!"

"Intelligent-"

"You're looking at the definition!"

"Married."

That sobered Draco up. "Married? Have you gone mad? Lose my reputation as the handsomest, single, bastard around for the sake of a measly…"

"Throne. Exactly. I saved you the embarrassment by making sure you still had your bachelor reputation."

"Couldn't I just be seen with a wench? Isn't that good enough, I mean, it's practically the same."

Lucius glared. "Narcissa, may she burn in hell for all eternity, was already pregnant with you when I was crowned king."

"I will not be married off."

"Of course you won't."

"Really?"

"No, no, no. Who would marry you?"

"Why? The very ground I walk upon is worshipped! Every girl is dying to get her hands on me."

"Dying. Yes. To get their hands on you? No, it's mostly the plague."

"Father, you shall regret those words when I make you eat them at your last meal."

"What kind of girl could ever love you?"

"I bet you the crown, that before you die, I will have one lucky lady who is completely head-over-heels in love with me."

"Deal. Just a couple of requests."

"State your terms."

"Pureblood. Attractive. English, I will not tolerate some French or Spanish whore wearing our crown."

"Is that all?"

"She has to be of noble blood."

"As if I'd marry some lowly pauper."

"Prepare to lose, Draco."

"I. Never. Lose."


Credits:

The king is on his last legs!"

"Yes, but how many legs has that man got? The whole "live forever" thing is all rather undignified."

No, I'm a bowl of soup

Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea where this is going myself

-All are from Blackadder, my idol and true love

A note from Adie:

Please be so kind as to review, Adie accepts anonymous reviews as well as signed ones so, there should be no reason for you to be lazy enough not to do so. Adie thanks you for reading this and says that chappie two should be out soon. Also, feel free to make suggestions for the title and also chapter titles. Adie also appreciates suggestions for the plot, If you think something would be funny, please say so.

Thank you and goodnight!

Adie