-1Disclaimer - Obviously, Adie isn't J.K.Rowling. Otherwise, it'd be just sad that she'd write fanfics based on her own novel.

"Well, unfortunately for you, the plan is to marry them, not eat them"

"You're what?"
"I'm giving up my bachelorhood."
"I don't believe it!"
"No, I kid you not."
"To whom."
Draco coughed. "Well, that's where I do need a bit of assistance."
"Assistance?"
"Well, for starters, Zabini, go out unto the streets and spread the word that I, the richest, handsomest and most eligible Prince Draco, am looking for a wench."
"You mean a wife."
"Yes, yes, a wife. Really, it's the same thing."
"No, no, not really-"
"Anyways, Zabini, now that I've found a purpose for you, don't fuck it up."
Goyle turned to his Lord Draco who, had clearly forgotten he even existed.
"And, what may I do, milord?"
"O, yes. You, may go unto the streets."
"And spread the news as well?"
"No, just unto the streets."

Draco paced back and forth as Blaise and Goyle left his presence. Now, Draco wasn't unintelligent nor was he untactful but, when it came to women, he didn't have any clue what to do. They weren't people in his eyes (which were glinting evilly), they were a possession, something to be won and Draco played to win. He would handle this as if it were war, a battle and it had started. Firstly, he must know the enemy and when it came to that, there was one thing that needed to be done.

"Stakeout."

XxXxX

Montague sighed. Again. For the fourth time this past minute alone.

"What, Montague? What?" Draco was getting annoyed.

"Well, something has laid itself out heavily on my mind."

"And what would that be?"

"The way I see it is, we're out here, hiding behind shrubbery, right? And, a while ago, we were back at your castle, right? So, there must have been a moment when us not being at the castle went away, right? And us hiding behind shrubbery came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?"

"Do you mean, why are we out here?"

"Yes, that sounds about right."

"Well, it's all very simple and had I known you would ask me that question sixteen times alone in a single evening, I would have brought Blaise 'look at my genitals' Zabini along instead." Draco rolled his eyes as Monatgue continued to have a dumb, confused expression on his face. "Look, we're out here because, I've hired some goons to pluck some tasty morsels-"

"What?"

"Women, Captain thicky von thick, women. So, they are to pluck-"

"You mean kidnap?"

"Well, yes, I suppose if you're all into that moral crap but as I was saying, they will take young women, of noble blood from their beds and bring them out here. Are you following?"

"Yes, I think I've got it."

"Doubtful, but, I suppose I should continue on. So, they will take these ladies and lay them out on that bridge there" Draco pointed in front of them. A rather rickety bridge, conjoining two cliffs together over a set of rapids with a bunch of lovely jagged rocks that were excellent for impaling, lay ahead of their hiding spot. "They will rope them to the bridge and leave her there to die. This is where I come in."

"We."

"What?"

"You said I when really, it's where we come in."

"Ah, yes, well, I'm afraid you are deeply mistaken. As per usual."

"Sorry, milord."

"Not to worry, I've learned to cope with your stupidity. It never fails to disappoint."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to rescue her of course."

Montague looked even more confused. "But, why? You just had her kidnapped."

"But you see, this is why it's so amazingly brilliant. When I rescue her, she'll fall madly in love with me, it's what damsels in distress do. I'm quite sure there's some sort of handbook."

"I can't read, sir."

Draco rolled his eyes. "What a shocker," he muttered. Looking up he noticed two shadowy figures emerging from the forest. "Well, it's about time you got back, I mean, really, I've been hiding behind this sodding bush with this complete idiot for the past hour. How many did you find?"

A tall man with a hooked nose leered down at him. His nametag read 'Hello, my name is Snape.' "We have brought with us-"

A short man who resembled a rat interrupted. "Yes, yes! We have brought with us many girls. Live, fleshy, succulent..." He stared off into the distance, a few dribbles of saliva running down the stubble that covered the hairs on his chiny chin chin.

"Well, unfortunately for you, the plan is to marry them, not eat them." He turned to Snape as the rat man was clearly disturbed. "So, they're all nobles, yes? Pretty?"

"Yes, I suppose. Should I put them on the bridge."

"Were those not the instructions given?"

Snape hesitated. "…Yes."

"Are you being paid to ask ridiculous, stupid questions?"

"Well, you know...if you want to."

Draco sighed, clearly annoyed. From his belt, he pulled out a black velvet purse. "See this bag of money?"

"Yes."

"Well, this is what you're not going to get if you don't get a move on!"

"Right away. I know some really brilliant knots you know…" His voice faded as he and the rat man ran towards the bridge carrying rope and what appeared to be a sack of potatoes, that had sprouted arms and legs and appeared to be alive.

Montague turned to Draco who had a sinister, dark look etched into his features.

"So it begins Monatgue. So it begins."

XxXxX

"Stop wriggling! I'm here to save you." Finally, he undid the last knot. Blimey, Draco thought, he really was good at knots. Throwing the rope to the ground, he grabbed the bag that was over her head. Please, he thought, all I ask is that she's good looking. I can't be seen with an ugly girl. Ever.

He first noticed her luscious silvery hair which sparkled underneath the moonlight. His eyes travelling downward, he noticed the slim body and nigh translucent skin which radiated a pale glow. She was smiling at him, beckoning him with her 'come hither' glances from neath her long lashes.

Not wasting any time, he grabbed her and pulled her rosy lips to his. In fact, they were so interested in eating each others faces they didn't notice the man creeping towards them.

"All going well milord?"

Reluctantly pulling himself away from the rare beauty, he turned to face the newcomer. "Up until you came, yes."

"Sorry milord, I thought she was attacking you."

"Yes, well, I think I'd be able to handle it."

Montague made no move to suggest he was leaving.

"Without you Montague."

"Oh, right. Well, I'm leaving now. I'm going. I'll be right through these trees here." Draco turned away from him, ignoring Montague completely. "Just leaving, I'm gone. I'm gone milord." He smiled hesitantly. "That's right." Draco had mashed his face into the girl's again. "Uh, you just do what you do best." He slithered away through a patch of trees, hidden from view. "I'm gone man, I'm gone!" If Draco could see him, he may have noticed the sole tear that rolled down his cheek. But then again, this is Draco so, he probably wouldn't have.

Draco again reluctantly pulled himself from her face again. Staring deep into her eyes, he took the plunge. "Marry me?"

She shrieked in delight as he twirled her around. "Oui!"

Draco stopped., abruptly., causing her to fly out of his grasp. "What? I didn't quite catch that."

She stared at him. "J'ai dis 'Mais oui!'"

Draco fell to the ground, head in his palms. "Gods, why?"

"Je m'appelle Fleur. Ooo la la, je suis trop excité pour notre marriage. Et toi chou?" She moved closer to him, bringing her hands up to stroke his hair. She began to hum.

That is, she began to hum the French anthem.

XxXxX

Whao, that took quite the while to write. Hope it didn't disappoint! Thank you to bookwormfederationunlimited, Just a fan and peterpanfever for the reviews. Very encouraging.

The "unto the streets" lines are from Blackadder, as is "The way I see it is, we're out here, hiding behind shrubbery, right? And, a while ago, we were back at your castle, right? So, there must have been a moment when us not being at the castle went away, right? And us hiding behind shrubbery came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?"

"Do you mean, why are we out here?" Except, we of course, rephrased it.

Anyways, Adie would love for people to add Adie as a friend on her newly made LiveJournal account. Username is adieornament, of course. Toodles for now until chappie three!