Confessions
This is a companion piece to 'Man to Man' and 'He Wasn't Lee' - set a week after those two stories.
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It was a special night - the one year anniversary of the cylon attack. Not that people wanted to celebrate that, but the President and Commander Adama were in agreement that the indomitable human spirit that kept them alive and living was something to be cherished and celebrated. So they had orchestrated a fleet-wide celebration, and everyone had thrown themselves enthusiastically into preparations for the big day. There hadn't been much to celebrate over the past year, and many people had spent countless hours sitting around wishing for something to do, so they were happy to have a purpose.
A separate celebration had been planned for each ship, as the entire fleet couldn't fit on just one, but the biggest by far was on Cloud Nine. All of the 'dignitaries' were invited to that party, as they had been for the Colonial Day celebration, as well as a few of Galactica's officers - Apollo and Starbuck among them. Anders and the rest of the survivors from Caprica were being given special honours that night for stubbornly refusing to give in, and staying to fight for their home for nearly a year after occupation by the enemy.
Adama had arranged it that Anders and his group would have their own separate table, while he, Tigh and Ellen, Roslin, Baltar, Lee and Kara were at another. He was well aware of the tension between Lee, Kara and Anders, and had no desire to cause strife at the party. So far, he had to admit, things seemed to be going pretty well. It lifted his ego a notch to know that Roslin wasn't the only one who could be diplomatic.
"Nice party," she said, leaning over the table towards him. Adama, always a man of few words, just smiled and nodded. "They're getting pretty rowdy," she said of Anders and his friends. And indeed they were. Ambrosia was flowing freely, along with some weird concoction the Chief had been brewing, which he called beer, but everyone agreed it didn't taste like the real thing in the slightest. However, the alcohol content was relatively high, so one glass and people tended to loosen up really quickly.
"Rightly so," Adama said, smiling at them. "They've had a tougher time than we have - less people, less resources, more hand to hand combat ..."
"I see what you mean. Most of us haven't even seen the cylons. All we see is ships destroying other ships out there, but it tends not to get very personal. I think most of the people in the fleet are very distanced from this whole situation."
"Even we haven't gotten as up close and personal with them as Anders and his group has. Except Kara of course," he added, almost as an afterthought.
"How do you think she's doing?"
"Kara? She's as tough as they come. I know her experience on Caprica was awful - the fact that she says very little about it attests to that - but she's a real soldier. She'll get through it and move on." Adama felt his heart swell with pride as he looked at her.
Roslin smiled. "I was thinking more along the lines of the current situation."
"Oh." Adama didn't know what to say. It was a tough situation for all three of them, and he had to admit he was finding it difficult to stay out of it as well.
"Yes, 'oh'. I think that about sums it up."
"You ... have an opinion you want to share?" Adama asked slowly.
"I'm not sure you really want to hear it."
"Try me."
Roslin paused a moment, steeling herself. "I think your son and Lieutenant Thrace belong together."
"Hmm."
She looked at him. "That's all you have to say?"
"I'm surprised. I was under the impression you thought they were too close already. I'm trying to figure out what changed your mind."
Roslin smiled. "One only has to look at them together to see that they share something special." She nodded her head at the two of them, sitting across the table from herselef and Adama. Lee leant over close to Kara's ear to be heard over the din, and they could both see Kara's wide grin as she turned to face Lee. He smiled back, eyes sparkling like new-cut sapphires, and there was no mistaking the pure joy they shared in each other's company.
"That they do. But I'm still reluctant to encourage my officers to break regulations, no matter how much they like being together."
"But do you really want Lee's heart broken when she chooses the other man?"
"Who says she will?"
"She's not stupid. What she and Lee have may be special, but it comes with strings. A relationship with Samuel Anders doesn't. There's no past between them, and no working relationship to be put in jeopardy by getting too close." Roslin was nothing if not pragmatic, and though Adama didn't always appreciate what she had to say, he did appreciate the fact that she had an outsider's view on things involving his ship, and wasn't shy about sharing them.
"True, so what do you suggest I do about it?"
Roslin smiled sweetly. "I'm not suggesting anything. Just stating facts."
Adama's eyebrows raised, but he said nothing. His eyes turned back to Lee and Kara, now outright flirting with each other. He sighed quietly. Perhaps she was right.
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"You didn't!" Kara laughed.
"I did."
"Mr.'Always follow the rules' Apollo? I don't believe it!"
"That's fine, don't believe it then," Lee shrugged. "Not my problem." He grinned and poked her in the ribs. "Hey, why didn't you wear that blue dress tonight?"
A shadow of sadness crossed her face. "Bad memories."
"You looked amazingly beautiful in it," he said quietly.
Kara's temper flared. How dare he? After all the heartache she went through because of it! "Too bad you didn't seem to care then!" she snapped, getting up and storming off.
Lee closed his eyes and sighed. He'd frakked up again.
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Kara stood at the bar, anger radiating off her in waves. She hadn't yet allowed herself to be properly angry about what had happened at the Colonial Day celebration. She and Lee had fought about it, right before she'd left for Caprica, but it had been more about her and Baltar than about the two of them. Although that had definitely been implied.
Kara was getting tired of implications and innuendo though. They were the mainstay of her and Lee's relationship, especially since she'd come back. He'd told her that he loved her - an immense shock - but when she'd pressed him on it, deciding it was time to quit fooling around, he'd tried to back-pedal. She'd forced him into a corner, and he'd finally admitted he didn't mean it 'like that' - an outright lie and Kara knew it. Now he seemed to be changing his mind again, after she'd finally accepted that the two of them were only meant to be friends - nothing more. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Why did life have to be so complicated?
She felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and tensed, but when she looked to see who it was, Anders' concerned face looked down at her.
"You okay? You seem upset." Of course he would notice. He seemed to watch her everywhere she went. Why wouldn't he though? When she'd left Caprica, she'd given him the impression that there was something special between them, something that would continue if ever they were together again. But somehow having him on Galactica was proving to be very difficult for her. Lee had a way of being at the centre of her life, and now that they were together again, she felt guilty about her little fling with Anders. And so she'd tried to avoid him.
"I'm okay," she lied, putting on a smile.
"No, you're not." He always called her on it when she wasn't being honest with him. Just like Lee, she thought fleetingly. "Have another fight with Apollo?"
She chuckled. "How do you always do that?"
"Do what?" he grinned. "That's better. I prefer you with a smile."
She smiled widely. "Better?"
"Much. But you still haven't answered my question."
"No we didn't fight." Anders raised eyebrow told her he didn't believe her. "He just has such a way of ... pissing me off."
He could almost see the steam come out of her ears. He chuckled now. "It's only the people we really care about who have the ability to do that."
"Yeah," she admitted. "It's frustrating."
"Dance with me?" he asked, proferring his arm.
"Sure." They walked out onto the dance floor and found a spot. It was a slow dance and so they were close, but not too close. Anders didn't want to push, and Kara was happy he didn't. After a few minutes of silence, Anders finally decided it was time.
"Be honest with me Kara, is there a chance for something between us? Because I'm feeling like there isn't, like you regret what happened between us on Caprica."
"No, of course not. It's just ..."
"Be honest, please." He looked straight into her eyes. "If it's bad news, I can take it. I just need to know."
"I ... I ... it's ... it's ..." She tried, but the words just wouldn't come out.
"It's Lee, isn't it?" he asked in his usual forthright manner.
"I ... yes... I don't know." Kara shook her head, near tears.
"Either it is or it isn't, which is it?"
"I can't ..." She broke away from him and practically ran across the dance floor, leaving him stunned and standing alone.
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Lee gave a small smile as his father came around the table to sit with him.
"Nice party," the elder Adama commented.
"Yeah... I guess," Lee answered half-heartedly. Adama followed Lee's gaze onto the dance floor where his eyes immediately fell on Kara and Anders, dancing close together.
"I'd consider making a move soon, before it's too late."
Lee's head swiveled around immediately. "What?" he said incredulously, eyes wide open in shock.
"You're going to lose her if you wait too long."
"Dad?" Lee gave him a confused look.
"You love Kara. It's obvious to the rest of us. If you just sit back and wait around, you're going to lose her."
"But I thought ... the rules ... you won't allow ..." Lee stumbled along, his mind racing way ahead of his mouth.
"I'm thinking it's time I reviewed some of the regulations. I'm not sure all of them apply anymore," Adama said coyly.
"You know how things are between us - you know I can't ever ..."
"I know you can't if you don't try," Adama interrupted. "I'm aware of all the history between you, and I'm aware of how close you already are. Do you really want to stand by and watch her be with another man ... again?"
Lee looked at his father sharply. He could see it in his eyes. THe old man knew - had probably always known that Lee had loved Kara all the while she'd been with his brother.
"How can I ever ask her ... considering all we've been through?"
"Don't ask. Tell her. Tell her you love her. She needs to know."
"I did tell her once."
"And?"
"Right after she came back. I was so incredibly happy she was home safe, that I let it slip out."
"What did she say?"
"She kept pushing me to say it again - teasing me about it."
"And did you?"
"No," Lee admitted with a sigh. "I told her I only meant it as a friend."
Adama shook his head. "You know, all your reports through school, the Academy, War College - they all showed you to be exceptionally smart. How can you be so stupid when it comes to women?"
Lee flushed. "We can't all be good at everything. Besides, it scared me. I'd never ever said how I felt about her aloud before, even alone, and after I said it, she just kept at me - wouldn't let it go. I was afraid, so I ..."
"Locked it all away. Pretended you don't feel what you do." Adama shook his head. "The two of you are amazing denial artists, you know that?"
"Everyone has a skill," Lee said, smiling sadly, echoing the words Kara had said to him the day the world ended and their lives had changed forever.
"It's not often I give personal advice, but Lee, tell Kara how you feel. Your friendship is strong, it can take it. And maybe it will make her think twice about continuing with Anders."
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Kara stood at the window, looking out at the Vipers flying by. Celebrations notwithstanding, the CAP still had to be maintained. Her tears blurred her vision so she saw six instead of three.
"May I join you?" The voice startled Kara - she'd been so wrapped up in her own thoughts, she hadn't noticed that President Roslin had joined her at the window.
"Of course Madam President," she answered, stubbornly willing her tears to vanish. They stood in silence - not comfortable, but not uncomfortable either.
"It's hard, isn't it?" Roslin began, still staring out the window, as if watching the Vipers too.
"Nay, being out there is easy. It looks hard, but flying is really not all that ..."
"I meant your situation here. You, Anders, Lee." she interrupted.
"Oh. That."
"It's tough."
Kara just sighed, praying the tears wouldn't come back. "You know about that?"
"It's rather obvious," Roslin said gently.
Kara stared out the window too, refusing to look away. That figures - everyone's talking about my life. Usually no one cares but now that I want to keep things to myself, everyone cares.
"Can I give you a little advice?"
Kara finally turned, and the two women stood facing one another. "You can give it, but I won't promise to use it." A smirk planted itself on Kara's face as she spoke.
Roslin smiled. " Fair enough. Don't make the wrong choice."
"That's it? Don't make the wrong choice?"
"Don't be fooled into doing what's easy. Do what's right. Don't risk losing everything you have with Lee." Roslin put a hand on Kara's shoulder. "It's obvious you two care a great deal about each other. You make a good team, both in the air and out of it."
"Yeah we do," Kara whispered, a faraway gaze in her eyes.
"Think before you decide. Don't lose what you have with him," Roslin said earnestly, then she let go of Kara's shoulder and turned to walk away.
"Madam President," Kara called. She stopped and turned around. "Thanks for the advice." Kara gave her a small smile.
"You're welcome." Roslin smiled, then continued back to their table.
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Adama watched his son struggle with his emotions. Lee had always been an open book that way - wearing his heart on his sleeve and his feelings naked for all to see. He'd tried to learn how to be stoic like his old man and put on the mask of indifference, but he was just too much like his mother. Too much like Caroline - emotional, volatile, unable to control his feelings. Adama wondered how he'd managed to hide his feelings for Kara from Zack, seeing as how it had been plain as day to him. But then again, Zack had been in love, and love has a way of blinding you to everything else going on around you.
But then there was Kara. Had she not seen what Lee felt? She was an awfully sharp tack - didn't miss much. How could she have not seen? Perhaps she too, had been blinded by her love for Zack. But surely she'd have figured it out by now, after all the months she and Lee had spent being together since the attack. Maybe she just didn't want to see it. Maybe she pretended his feelings weren't there - it would be easier that way. Then she could pretend her feelings for him weren't real either.
It was a tough situation, and Adama felt for both of them - his children struggling so hard to be happy.
He saw the sadness on Lee's face as he stared into his glass of water. He looked - defeated. Don't give up Lee! Take a chance - pull a Starbuck! Don't sit back and take the 'safe' choice - go out there and fight for what you want! But there was nothing more he could do. Now it was Lee's turn to choose.
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Some time later, Anders looked up from his conversation to see Kara walking towards him. He smiled.
"Can we ... um... talk?" she asked shyly.
"Of course." He stood up and turned to his friends. "Excuse me for a moment." And together they walked off to a more deserted corner of the ballroom.
"I'm sorry about ... what happened earlier. I shouldn't have just left like that."
Anders gave her a small smile. "It's okay. I figured out that you didn't want to talk about it, so I let it go."
"You were right though, we should talk, and make things clear. I haven't been fair to you, letting you hang for weeks."
"I understand. I'm not saying it's been easy, but I understand things are different here and your life," he paused a moment. "may be just too different for me to fit into."
"It's not that I don't want you to," she rushed in, reaching for his hands and holding them tightly. "I care for you very much Sam, and I'd love for you to still be a part of my life that way but ..."
"But there's Lee."
She smiled weakly. "There's Lee And no matter how hard I wish and try, Lee just won't leave. He's in my heart permanently."
"And that means there's no room for anyone else," Anders said, resigning himself to the truth.
"I could try being with you, or anyone else for that matter, but he'll always be standing between us. He has first claim on my heart," she admitted honestly.
"I know. I wish things were different," he squeezed her hands. "But he's a good man, and I hope you'll be happy with him."
"Maybe, when we're not fighting," she smiled ruefully. "I'm so sorry about everything." Her eyes dropped to the floor. "I'm sorry I hurt you - I never meant to. Our time together was good, and I really wish it could continue ... if there was no Lee Adama in my life, believe me, I wouldn't hesitate for a second."
"But there is, and that's the way it is." Anders took one of his hands and stroked her cheek lovingly. "I love you Kara, and I want you to be happy."
She smiled sadly at him, tears in her eyes. How could I have gotten so lucky as to have two such amazing men love me - at the same time no less? "Thank you," she whispered.
Anders leaned over and kissed her gently, before letting her go and heading back to his friends.
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Lee sat, thinking over his father's words, rather surprised, truth be told. While their relationship had become much closer than it had been a year previously, Lee didn't think it had become that personal. And in fact, he was sure his father wouldn't approve of him pursuing a relationship with Kara - not because of ship's regulations, but because of her relationship with Zack. At times, he even felt as though there was something wrong with himself for feeling the way he did. They were almost family after all - she was his brother's girlfriend, someone who should be strictly off limits for him.
But he just couldn't help it. Kara was complex and mysterious, difficult and obstinate, fun and funny, and much more intelligent than she let on. She had a myriad of talents, only one of which was flying. Lee knew she didn't like to share much of herself with others, and he felt privileged that she'd shared many personal things with him. He loved her and had right from the time they'd met. He knew it was difficult, perhaps even wrong, but he couldn't help himself. He wanted Kara.
He chose exactly that moment to look up and try to find her. He would tell her - his father was right - she deserved to know, and Lee would kick himself if he didn't even try. This time at least he wasn't competing against his brother, and so he didn't have to stand aside and let the other man have her. Anders was a good guy - Lee had really begun to like him, in spite of the situation, but he wasn't going to let Kara go without telling her what was in his heart.
Unfortunately the moment he spotted her was the moment Anders touched her cheek and kissed her. He was too late. She'd made her choice. His body slumped forward and he stared dejectedly at the candle spluttering in the middle of the table.
"You wanna dance?" He hadn't seen or heard Kara come over. He looked up and tried to smile.
"I thought you were dancing already," he said, unable to keep some of the bitterness from seeping into his voice.
"I was, but I wanted to be dancing with you." He looked into her eyes, for once open and honest. She held out a hand to him and he took it, following her out to the dance floor.
It was a slow dance, again, and their bodies locked in place as they came together, Kara marveling at how perfectly they fit together.
"I've ended things with Anders," she began. Lee's eyes widened as she smiled up at him. "Not that there's really been anything going on since he arrived on Galactica..."
"I thought you cared for him," Lee said wonderingly. Would Kara never cease to surprise him?
"I do," she said frankly. "But I love you."
Lee's eyes widened even more - Kara had never seen them so big. "You know there are no take-backs - someone once told me that."
"I know. I don't want to take it back. I love you Lee Adama."
His chest felt like it would burst with happiness, and a huge smile blazed across his face. "I love you too Kara - no take-backs." And he leaned forward tentatively and joined his lips with hers.
Back at the table, Adama leaned close to Roslin and nodded at the couple kissing on the dance floor. "You wouldn't have happened to have anything to do with that, now would you?"
"Me?" She put on a surprised face. "Would I do such a thing?"
Adama cocked an eyebrow, but smiled. "I didn't think so."
Fin