Disclaimer: Own nothing.

Author's Note: I plead the fifth. Yet again.

Summary: There's a reason why JKR made the Harry Potter series focus on the life of a teenager, versus the interesting life of a Death Eater.

Reason Number One:

Rodolphus and Bellatrix hastily wheel out the cake while the other Death Eaters make sure that Mulciber is happily sitting on the couch in the Death Eater Headquarters. The lot of them sing, "Happy Birthday To You" at the top of their lungs, while Voldemort plays it out on the piano.

Rodolphus stops the cake in front of Mulciber, who has to stand in order to be high enough over the mounds of cake to blow out the candles. As soon as Voldemort stops playing the piano, Narcissa pulls out a "boom-box", and turns on "I'm Too Sexy". The top of the cake flies off, and out jumps Lucius in a very "revealing" robe, while making many interesting and suggestive pelvic thrusts towards Mulciber.

From the back, Severus screams, "ROCK IT, BABEE! ROCK IT NOW!"

Reason Number Two:

Antonin Dolohov sits in front of a "specially ordered" Muggle computer, his face contracted with a frown, as he furiously chicken pecks the keys, navigating himself around Ebay. Out of curiosity, Voldemort walks up behind him, and peers over his shoulder, "What are you doing?"

"Well, you know Bellatrix and Rodolphus' anniversary is coming up, right?"

"Yes."

"I thought it'd be clever to get them a piñata." Antonin looked up at him, shrugging.

Voldemort raises a very quizzical brow, "But you're searching for 'revealing lace knickers and whips'…"

"They were all out of 'small child shaped things to beat with a mallet'."

Reason Number Three:

"OMG. GUESS WHAT I FOUND IN DRACO'S CLOSET!" Lucius runs into the meeting room, where there is much winding, grinding, and intertwining going on to the snazzy beats of Snoop Dog's latest recording fiasco. Everyone pauses, and a lone voice echoes out from the back, tempting fate: "What..?"

"THIS!" Lucius holds up a small clear bag full of what looks like herbs.

Three hours, and four bags of weed later…

"I think the Prophecy was like, this huge thing, man, like, this bird, that like, totally flew around Potter's head, man, and like—totally—pecked out his eyes… man, what were we talking about?" Voldemort slouches over onto Bellatrix's lap.

"Duuuuude, I have haaaaair…" Lucius giggles, pulling at his hair, and wiggling his toes while the rest of the Death Eaters snigger and start to write on Voldemort's face.

Reason Number Four:

"I've noticed that, over the years, some of us have gone to seed. Thus, I have taken capture of one Muggle that I think is half-way decent and of use to us." Voldemort looks over his followers, who glance at one another. He grins, and removes his robes to reveal a jazzercise outfit, and he points to a door where a very crazy looking man with INSANE hair runs out, clapping.

"LET'S MOVE IT, LAZY-BUMS! C'MON! LET'S EXERCISE THAT FLAB OUTTA OUR SYSTEMS!" And as Richard Simmons starts to jiggle around, Voldemort follows while the rest look back and forth at each other, and Antonin Dolohov scratches his chin nervously.

Reason Number Five:

Voldemort strides up and down his followers, his eyes narrowing at the occasional one who arches a brow under their mask. He clears his throat, "I have noticed that the Order of the Phoenix is getting more attention than us. I have figured out how. Thus, I have paired us with their arch nemesis…"

Thus, Ronald McDonald walks into the room, "I'm thinking… little robed dolls for the girls, and little Dark Mark squirty-guns for the boys… Burger King and the Order stands NO CHANCE. The kids… love the clown."

Bellatrix leans over to Rodolphus and whispers in the back, "Ask to borrow his nose and wig, honey. I know what we're doing tonight."

Reason Number Six:

All the Death Eaters crowd around Lucius' television for a random night of Lifetime-watching fun (complete with cheesecake, thanks to Rabastan Lestrange). However, right as the doctor walks into the scene to tell the young lady she has terminal cancer, right after her husband was murdered by her deranged ex-boyfriend that only used her for pleasure, and her child died from a drug overdose (Bellatrix is sobbing on Rodolphus' shoulder), there is a national news break on the television.

Rushing onto the stage, there is Voldemort, pulling on a George W. Bush mask, coming to a stop at the White House podium, "We have, 'ere at da White House, found out dat, uh, Sad'dam didn't have no bombs. Yeah."

Reason Number Seven:

Wild eighties rock music cues.

"HARDER!"

"FASTER!"

"WETTER!"

"BASTARD!"

"YOU WHORE!"

"YOU CANNIBAL!"

"MORE!"

"YOU ANIMAL!"

Reason Number Eight:

Dark is the room as Lucius enters through the front door—he reaches up to the light, and flips it on. However, screams echo throughout the house, and he stares, wide-eyed at the scene before him. "MY LORD? You're getting injected with BOTOX?"

"SHUTTUP, MALFOY! Did you HONESTLY think this masterpiece was ALL MAGIC?" Voldemort gestures wildly to his face, as the plastic surgeon dodges a needle that flies through the air.

Reason Number Nine:

"You know, you lot, I've been doing a lot of thinking…" Voldemort addresses his followers, as he hands Bellatrix a box. She opens it, and removes a button, passing it on, but staring a bit dumfounded at the pen, which has 'S.P.E.W.' stamped on the front.

"Draco said that Granger chick did this—we're supporting house elf rights?" Lucius arches a brow, taking his own button.

"No. Don't be stupid. It stands for 'Society for the Promotion of Enlarged Wollies'. I decided it was time we got recognized for what we really stand for." Voldemort answers, blatantly while Bellatrix giggles incessantly.

Reason Number Ten:

The Death Eaters march through London, following a quickly striding, vicious and evil dark lord. However, all come to a pause as Voldemort steps onto a vent in the sidewalk, and his robes flare out around his legs. He quickly tries to push them back down, blushing and giggling girlishly, much in the manner of Marilyn Monroe.

In the back, Rabastan turns to Lucius, "That's why he wanted robes, versus slacks. He wanted to show off his toned, muscular legs… bloody ponce."

And… AN ENCORE!

It's Voldemort's birthday. The Death Eaters crowd around the birthday boy, singing. With a final note, Voldemort claps, blowing out the candles. However, as he puffs, out come his dentures, landing smack in the middle of the cake.

"I always knew his smile was too good to be true." Bellatrix whispers to a sniggering Lucius.