Disclaimer – I do not own any of Team Ninja's Characters or anything else related to Dead or Alive. Also, i do not own any other various Fighting Game Characters that magically appear in this work of fiction.
Brad Wong tiredly climbs the vine ladder of the towering rocky spire of which his small reclusive house sits atop. He lives in a little known area of China where magical rocky towers extend from the ocean itself and the weather in the area changes dramatically in very little time.
Brad pulls himself up onto his doorstep with a yawn, the morning air not doing any good in waking him up from his long night of partying. He woke up in a puddle of his own vomit, or at least he hopes it was his own. Waking up in an unfamiliar bathhouse surrounded by other drunks, ya just never know.
Brad walks across the flat plateau of the spire to his small wooden hermit house and pushes open the beaded entrance curtain and freezes, standing in his living room/dining room/bedroom. His three non-matching wooden chairs are gathered in a circle and people he doesn't recognize sit in them, but on his table/bed he recognizes his Zui Ba Xian Quan master, Old Chen.
"What's with the du-rag, master?" Brad asks slightly confused and Old Chen stands from the table with his arm raised, ready to slap Brad, but stops and simply motions towards the other people in the room,
"Are you not wondering why we have gathered in your house, Brad?" Brad looks around again at the three people, but this time the room spins with them and he almost falls to his knees.
"Woah, let's try to stay still people." Brad points around as he works his hardest to keep his stomach inside of his mouth. Old Chen nods his head contently,
"Exactly Brad, that is why we have gathered. This is an intervention and I am the conductor. Your mother, your best friend, and your first girlfriend." Old Chen points to each person in turn and Brad looks at each one with the same confusion as he does the one before.
"You're my mother?" Brad asks the youngest lady and she shakes her head and points to the older one,
"No, Brad, I'm Pai! That's Mrs. Wong over there." Pai, wearing her stupid looking hat, points towards gray haired Mrs. Wong whom scowls at her son for not recognizing her.
"And let me guess, my best friend is Jacky or the other Brad?" Brad looks to the other guy and bounds backwards in horror.
"What happened to your face, dude!" Brad asks in wonder and Old Chen grabs his forehead in annoyance,
"That's your best friend, Lu-Lu the Panda!" Brad looks closer to the bamboo branch in the panda's mouth and then nods his head in understanding,
"Okay, I get it, this is some surprise joke party right?" Brad asks and Old Chen actually slaps him this time, sending him crumbling to the floor. Brad's head spins as he attempts to stand up, but wobbles and falls back down.
"What is a joke is your drinking! I taught you to Master Drunken Boxing, not to master being a Professional Drunken Loser!" Old Chen yells angrily, "My reputation has been pissed upon! I can't even get any women anymore!" Brad holds his hands up in apology,
"I'm sorry, Master, but--"
"Silence you! You lie there and listen! First we're going to address the harm you've caused to yourself!"
Old Chen opens a long paper scroll with writing across the front and back and Brad looks up curiously.
"This here is a list of the terrible drinks you've mixed with the blatant disregard for the Human digestive system!" Old Chen explains and Mrs. Wong nods her head and speaks in her low, labored voice,
"And since i helped cultivate your digestive system, it is an insult to me as well!" Brad's lip swells up in a frown, and holds his hands out to his mother, or to the woman they say is his mother,
"Look, momma, I'm sor--" Brad's words are trampled as Mrs. Wong slams him over the head with Lu-Lu's bamboo branch and then replaces it back in the angry panda's mouth before he bites her hand off. Brad sits back on the floor and readies himself to listen to his Master's list.
"First, we have what you call a Fishing Russian. How you came up with this, I'm not sure..." Old Chen says and Brad smirks, remembering one of his masterpieces,
"That'll put some hair on your feet."
"200 proof vodka with boiled catfish oil?" Old Chen asks through disbelief and Pai Chan gags off to the side, "Not to mention your special Pink Lady with scrambled eggs instead of the whites? You can't just decide what to put in the mix!" Old Chen continues to read off the monstrous list of Brad's terrible creations and instead of listening and allowing his stomach and bowels to churn, he looks out the only window in the house.
Almost instantly, the clear morning sky transforms into a hazardous thunderous atmosphere, the lightning cracking like the bamboo reed on Brad's hard head. He begins to count the rain drops, but even before he reaches ten, the rain lets up and the leaves of the surrounding trees begin to fall from the branches and transform into the brown of autumn. He blinks his eyes in disbelief and turns back to Old Chen as he finishes the list.
"And you don't add an entire glass of half and half to devil's spit hot sauce to make a Bloody Mary. There's not even alcohol in that, it's just plain stupidity!" Old Chen throws down the list and opens another one, this one not as long, but the scowl on his face grows deeper, "And here is list of all the fuglies that you've slept with due to your eternal beer goggles!"
Brad immediately touches his face, not sure if he's wearing eye ware, but he knows he isn't.
"I'm not sure what you're talking about, Master, I like to have my beautiful browns visible at all times." Pai looks over and clicks her tongue reproachfully,
"They looked better when they didn't have bags underneath them all the time." Brad thinks to give the weird girl his middle finger, but Old Chen begins to read the list.
"First is Taka Arashi's big sister, and i don't mean older, i mean big! I'm surprised your pelvis is still intact, boy." Old Chen says through disbelief and Brad shrugs,
"I don't exactly remember that encounter, but I'm sure I used cables or something..."
"That explains some things, but what about that tall volleyball chick Natsu?" Old Chen asks and continues on, poking and prodding at Brad's insecurities.
"I can't believe you left me for those nasty skanks!" Pai cries out, covering her face with both hands and Brad throws his arms in the air,
"I don't even know you!" Pai continues wailing and Old Chen reads the list, but Brad is distracted by a snowflake falling outside his window.
His eyes widen and he stares through astonishment at the flurry of snowflakes and pink, spring blossoms falling at the same time and he rubs his face with both hands. He must've drank something tough last night.
"Excuse me, Master, could i splash my face right fast?" Brad asks, interrupting Old Chen's argument with Mrs. Wong about Brad obviously not being a pure virgin if he's been banging cows for the last five several of his life.
"Yea, with what?" Old Chen leans forwards and Pai and Mrs. Wong also stare at him, awaiting his answer, but Brad thinks well on his feet.
"Bourbon flavored water?" Brad answers and they all nod through approval and Brad quickly scurries through the room and into his bathroom/kitchen/trash heap. He enters the bathroom quickly and immediately trips over an empty wine bottle. He hits his head on the edge of his toilet, which is really just a long tunnel system leading to the nearest Buddhist Temple.
He rolls over, trying desperately to recover his equilibrium, looking for his newly bought chaser tablets, but can't seem to find any.
"Looking for these?" An old man's voice rings out and Brad looks up quickly and his eyes grow wide at seeing Shun Di's head jutting out of his toilet. In his hand, he shakes Brad's coveted chaser tablets.
"How'd you get in here, Master Di?" Brad asks quickly and Shun pulls himself upwards, attempting to escape the hole, but his midsection won't budge.
"A little help, youngin?" Shun asks, holding his hand out for assistance, and Brad stands up and reaches out with a wine bottle, not wanting to touch the man's smelly, nasty hands, but quickly notices a large bulge all around Shun's waistline,
"What the hell, Master Di, is that a..."
"Depends! That's right my boy, a true Drunken Master must use them to be successful! Looking at me should be like looking in the mirror for ten years in the future!" Brad's face twists and he backs away in terror.
"I have to be as ugly as you in ten years? I refuse that fate!" Brad spins around through awakening and chucks the large wine bottle away from his being, launching it through the bathroom door and a loud, pained squeal is heard from the living/dining/bedroom. He quickly rushes out and sees Lu-Lu lying on the ground, a half eaten bamboo reed hanging from his lifeless mouth. Tears well up in Brad's eyes and he falls to his knees, grabbing his chest in fury.
"Not my best friend, Lu-Lu! Look what drinking has driven me to! Murder most foul! I'm a monster!" Brad falls to his knees weeping, "I shall drink no more...forever." As the words leave his mouth, Brad feels a weight lifted from him. He's finally cured of his drinking. A smile creases his lips as he realizes it, "I'm cured! Guys, I'm cured!"
"Yea, and thats a good thing since your going to jail for killing an endangered species." Old Chen says, pointing at the numerous Chinese Police Officers bursting into his hermit house. Brad's mouth drops, but then he realizes it is useless to run, the Chinese are known for their bad ass Supercops. Brad stands to accept his punishment as Shun jumps into the room cackling,
"Have fun at the booty house, youngin, i told you Depends would come in handy! Penetration...denied!"