Painful Secrets

Chapter 2 --- To Hide a Secret

The next morning came too fast for Ash's taste. It was Tuesday, so he had less than a week before his dad came.

Great. he thought, this week might be kinda hard. I know I should tell someone what's wrong, but I can't now! Dad told me what he'd do if anyone ever found out from me, and now he's coming back. If I told, he'd find out for sure, and I can't let that happen. No way! …it's too late for that now.

Also… Ash looked at the bed above him. If I told Misty, she'd think I'm a weak scared little kid. I know she doesn't care about me as much as I do her, so I don't know why I care so much about impressing her, but I just can't tell her. She'd laugh at me. Maybe even leave. Who could blame her? Who's want to stick around with a loser with a past like mine… even if he does owe her a bike.

Ash listened as Misty got up and he pretended to be asleep again, not knowing what to say to her about last night. He waited for Misty to go downstairs before he walked into the bathroom. He had stayed awake all night, and looked like hell. His hair was worse than usual and he had bags under his eyes. He got into the shower. Besides, he continued his thoughts It's been a long time since I've seen Dad, over two years. There's no point making a spectacle over something when it could end up being nothing. I mean, he could have… he could have… maybe… maybe he's changed… maybe.

Ash dried and dressed and walked out onto the landing. I just have to pretend that everything is normal, and that can't possibly be that hard. He took a deep breath, and walked downstairs.

Misty had woken up early and was downstairs eating the breakfast Brock had cooked up for her and Delia. He'd made Ash breakfast, too. But he wasn't up yet.

It wasn't unusual for Ash to sleep so late; especially since he didn't sleep at all the night before, but Misty still couldn't help but feel a little uneasy about Ash's reaction to the news about his father. Shouldn't an eleven year old boy be excited about seeing his dad after so long? Yet Ash had been rather quiet during the conversation, unless his mom had asked him something, hadn't eaten, and went to bed early to cut the conversation short, and then to top it all off, he hadn't even slept all night.

Misty had frequently found herself waking to check on him several times during the night, despite the fact that she had tried to convince herself it was just for attention. Ash liked to get attention, but not this kind. He didn't want people worrying about him; he tried to be independent.

She was proud of him for trying to be that way, but she wished he would let her in just a little when he was hurting or scared. He wouldn't. He would insist that he was okay until he either broke down, or worked it out painfully on his own. She knew he didn't care about her like she did him, but that didn't stop her from feeling helpless and unable to do anything for him when he was alone. She just wished he could trust her like he did Pikachu, whom he told everything to. I'm jumping to conclusions, she thought to herself, I don't even know for sure if anything is wrong. It's probably all fine. …but if it's not, and he won't tell… why won't he tell?!! Stupid boy! But I know one sure fire way to find out!

Just then Ash stumbled into the kitchen. "G'morning, everybody" he cheered, trying to cover up his exhausted appearance and foggy mind by sounding fine, even if he couldn't thinking to straight.

"Good morning, Ash. You're food's on the stove." Said Brock.

"Thanks, Brock." He said taking a plate. He got his food and started eating like nothing was wrong. Misty stopped feeding Togepi for a few seconds and watched him eating until he looked up and caught her staring.

"What's up, Misty?" he said, petting Pikachu, who was sitting on the table eating eggs smothered in ketchup in complete harmony.

I could ask you the same question, but since you won't tell me, I won't tell you that I'm worried. You'd just blow it off anyway. She thought bitterly. "Nothing, you just look a little tired is all." She answered, knowing she'd hit home, or at least first base.

Ash seemed to stiffen, then relaxed into an expression related to indifference. "I'm fine." He answered. And Misty left it at that and went back to feeding her hungry baby. Ash felt grateful for her refusal to pursue the scrutiny and inwardly sighed in relief as he lifted Pikachu into his lap. His first and most beloved Pokémon watched him in silent concern, and Ash slowly shook his head, unable to give him a genuine smile. If he couldn't make his smiles for his Pokémon real, he'd rather not smile at all. It was a waste of time, and a blatant lie Ash knew they would all recognize for what it was. He also knew that they trusted him with their lives every time they entered a battle for him. If he told them, it would put them in danger, and he would never betray their trust. Pikachu had befriended him, understood him when no one else could, and fought for his honor, but at that moment Ash could not bring himself to put any of his fears to rest.

The rest of the day went by pretty normal. Brock and Ash had a Pokémon battle out back while Misty played with her Pokémon nearby. Before they knew it, it was time for dinner. A storm had rolled in during the afternoon. It wasn't rainy yet, but it was close. They decided to go out for burgers, as they didn't really have any food in the house that could be used to make a meal out of. Brock told Delia they'd bring something back for her, and headed down the street. Before they knew it, they were waiting at the counter for their food. It was crowded in the Burger King, so they took a table, figuring they'd be there for a while.

It had started raining outside and Misty and Ash were drying Togepi and Pikachu (who looked like a yellow powder puff when Ash was done).

"It sure takes a long time to get dark this time of year," Brock commented. "we'll be out really late with your dad lighting fireworks, won't we, Ash? I hope it doesn't rain!"

Ash had heard Brock's comment, but didn't even stop short. He had been expecting this to come up again soon, so he wasn't that surprised. "yeah," he answered. "I guess we will." He wanted to say more, but he was afraid of saying too much. He didn't know what it would take for his friends to get suspicious. If he talked too much, he might give himself away, but if he didn't say enough, everyone would get worried about him. So he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It felt terrible. Like he was a bad friend for keeping such an important secret from them. He hadn't even told his mom. She thought they were "sports injuries". If she found out the truth…

"Ash… why don't you ever talk about your dad?" Now I'll know for sure. I've known Ash for almost two years. Little Ash the Pokémon master-to-be, is a terrible liar. He knows I can see right through him, too.

This question made Ash jump slightly. He hadn't expected that, and it made him feel even more uncomfortable. Oh, man. I can't answer that! She'll never believe anything I tell her! She knows me to well for that. I feel overheated. I've gotta get out of here.

He stuttered out the first thing that came to mind. "No reason. Ummm… you never asked! It's none of your business anyway!" With that, he turned and ran out of the restaurant and into the storm without his jacket or any form of protection against the cold. Pikachu was in hot pursuit.

Ash felt sick. He was cold and hot at the same time, like he was burning in a freezer. His thoughts were so unclear, he couldn't remember what he'd told Misty, or anything that had happened that day. He was dizzy and just wanted to get home quick and go to bed without talking again that night.

He ran into his house and up the stairs without a word to his mom, stumbled upstairs to his room and fell on his bed, wet clothes and all. He was asleep in seconds. Pikachu didn't understand what was wrong, but he pulled out the big blanket and struggled with it's weight until he had covered Ash up. Then he curled up next to his head and watched worriedly as his trainer slept. Pikachu knew Ash was getting sick. It didn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out, and we knew that he wouldn't leave ash's side until he was better.

Brock and Misty brought the burgers home a few minutes after Ash came in. they asked about him, but Delia couldn't tell them much. She didn't know herself what had happened.

Misty knew for sure now that something was bothering Ash to make him just run out of the building like that. It was already late, and time for bed, which gave her the perfect excuse to go check on him. The door was open, and Pikachu watched her come in.

"Pikachu? Do you know what's bothering Ash?" she asked him.

"Chuuu…" he said sadly, shaking his head.

Misty felt his forehead. He was kind of hot, but not too bad. "Maybe he's just overly tired. He didn't sleep much last night, and I know something's wrong, but for now all we can do is get him dried off."

She took herself by surprise saying that, but she was scared for him and didn't know what else to do. She couldn't just leave him like that, after all. It was like he was hiding from them, and she didn't know what to do. Couldn't he at least trust her? She'd been his best friend for over two years! Stupid Ash…

Pikachu was nervous as well. Misty patted his head to calm him a bit, nut nothing worked. They're so close they feel each other's tension. Ash really is a great Pokémon trainer. Someday, he'll be the best. I know it.

She worked gently, praying he wouldn't wake up, as she stripped him down to his boxers. Then she covered him up again and got into bed. There was nothing more she could do except help him as best as she could, but god she wished he would trust her and tell her what was wrong. 'It's always something stupid, too.' She thought to herself before she fell asleep. 'He just always has to sound tough. It's never anything big. But he's also never just run away from us before. Is it something so horrible? He can't do this alone; he'll fall apart. Doesn't he realize how much I care about him? Even though he doesn't care about me, I'd never hurt him! He'll be sick tomorrow, after this last stunt, though, that's for sure. He'll break soon and come to Brock and I, or his mom. He has to. he's never held out this long before. He'll come out of it soon…. I hope.'

She fell asleep; worried sick and wondering about her own feelings for him and what she could do to make him come to her.

Ash was dreaming. He was in his father's house, and his dad was yelling at him. He felt smaller. Ash had had this dream several times before, but that was a long time ago. He was younger. Nine, maybe? He felt scared. He saw his dad yelling and throwing things, angry at him. He tried to run, but there was no place to go. He felt strong hands grab him and throw him in the closet. He heard the door click as he cried and screamed to be let out. He begged and pleaded, sobs racking his body. The air was hot, he couldn't breath. After an eternity, his dad came back, the smell of drink strong on him. Ash heard the door click and open and saw his dad standing over him, shouting. Ash scrambled out of the closet, hysterical, begging his dad no to do "it". He saw his father charge at him…. And Ash woke up.

He was soaked with sweat and out of breath. He bolted up in bed and looked around. He was cold. So cold, yet so hot. It confused him. He was dizzy. He felt sick like he hadn't for a long time. Not since….

but it may have been from the dream mostly. It was just a bad dream. That came out of nowhere.

Ash decided that he couldn't sleep right away again, he was too scared, so he grabbed his journal to vent some emotion.

I can't tell anyone, but if I could just… write my feelings and let them out somehow… No one would ever know, and maybe then I could sleep. He grabbed a pen and took a few deep breaths to calm is shaking. His writing was almost illegible, but it didn't have to be, as long as Ash could vent his fears. He caught his breath and began writing.

In the bed above him, Misty followed his every move.

NOTES: I spent 3 hours writing this chapter in the middle of the night to get it to come out this well (and it's still rather short…). I know it doesn't have much AAMR yet, it wasn't originally going to have this much, though. I promise it will have more. I'm trying to work some in cuz I think it works nice in the story, or will sooner or later. But nothing too mushy. Sorry! It would conflict with the angst atmosphere too much. My opinion on that may change, though…