A/N: here it is! By popular demand, the third chapter!

this chapter contains language and a lot of violence. It is rated R and if you are too young or unable to handle extremely graphic content, do not read any further. You have been warned.

I do not own Pokémon, some one else does, I just write the stories.

Painful Secrets

Chapter 3 --- To Truly Feel Alone

Misty woke up to see Togepi tugging on her pillowcase. It was sort of dark, but then she heard the rain and remembered why, so she figured it must have been late morning already, and looked at the clock. Almost ten. She yawned, sat up, stretched, and looked down for Ash. He was out cold.

Pikachu had done his best to stay up with him, but hadn't made it through the night and was now sleeping at Ash's feet

I wonder what the episode last night was all about? He must have had a pretty bad dream to jump up and start scribbling in this note book like that. She looked over on his desk. Ash had put the note book away in a drawer when he had finished in the middle of the night. She had seen him write and knew that it must have been whatever he was feeling then. She wanted to know what was wrong with Ash so bad, but she didn't want to betray him. She could never do that. She wanted him to tell her on his own what was so bad.

Deciding that that talk wasn't going to happen here and now, she got up and headed downstairs with Togepi.

"What have you been doing all morning, Misty?" asked Brock. "I called you about five times this morning to get breakfast and didn't get an answer, so I decided to make you eggs when you got up. How does scrambled sound?"

"Great. Thanks, Brock." She said, sitting down at the table with a cup of tea.

Brock smiled, then frowned and asked, "How's Ash?"

"I don't know. He's going to be sick. I can guarantee that after the stunt he pulled last night. Brock, there's something seriously bothering him."

"You think?" Said Brock, sarcastically.

Misty ignored him and continued, "You don't understand, Brock. It's not like the other times when it was about Gary being better or losing a battle. That's the only thing he's ever shut himself up for, and we kind of knew what was wrong before he told us himself and could help him. But I think this is something more.

"It's not about Pokémon or rivals or any of the usual stuff. He's not just feeling sorry for himself like the other times. He's seriously scared of something." She looked at Brock.

He knew she was serious. "He's trying so hard to act normal, and I'm afraid that's what's going to wear him down more than anything." Brock said out loud, to no one in particular.

Then he looked at Misty. "And last night when you asked about his dad, you must have hit too close to home for his comfort, because he couldn't take the stress of trying to fake his way out of it.

"He knew he would have slipped and said something. I know he doesn't want to worry anyone, but he doesn't seem to realize that it worries people so much more when he tries to go through these internal struggles alone."

Misty looked like she was considering saying something in her mind. After a few seconds she said, "Last night he had a nightmare. He looked really scared of something when he came out of it. He got out his journal and started writing immediately afterward. That seemed to calm him down and he went back to sleep."

"Did you ask him about it?" Brock asked.

"No, he was exhausted and I didn't want to bring it up and make the situation harder for him. I don't know what to do, Brock." Misty she sighed. Then decided that starving herself wouldn't help Ash. She had time to take one bite of her eggs before Pikachu jumped on the table.

"Pikachupi! Pikachu." He said sleepily, rubbing his eyes.

"Good morning to you, too, Pikachu." She said, stroking behind his ears, which made the small Pokémon purr. "Is Ash awake yet?"

"Pi." He confirmed.

Ash walked down a few seconds later. He walked sluggishly over to a chair and flopped into it. "Hi."

That was all he said. His friends were waiting for more, but didn't think he would say anything else, when he turned to Misty suddenly and asked "Have you seen my mom today?"

"Yeah," said Brock, "She left a little while ago. She had to go to a neighborhood watch meeting or something. She'll be back this afternoon."

"Why do you ask?" Asked Misty.

"Oh, I just wanted to thank her for what she did last night." He said. He looked kind of embarrassed.

"What did she do?" Asked Brock, mildly curious.

"Umm… well, she kinda took care of me last night when I came home. It might have been before you guys got back."

Misty looked at him and smiled. At least he's grateful. "If you're talking about drying you off and getting you out of your wet things, that was me." She watched the look of surprise on his face.

"You did that? For me?" Ash felt himself start to blush and immediately looked down at his lap, holding the brim of his hat to hide his face from her.

Misty watched him hide and wondered if he could be blushing, maybe? She liked that thought and hoped it was true, but she knew it couldn't be for anything but shock. He's probably just totally embarrassed. She sighed.

"Why?" He asked, suddenly looking very small in his nervous state.

"Because I was worried about you, Ash, why else?" she answered, trying to sound like it was perfectly normal. She took a bite of her eggs.

She was worried about me. Ash replayed the sentence in his mind and blushed harder.

Well, small wonder why, genius! Who wouldn't be? I must have scared her, Brock and Pikachu half to death last night. Great façade I kept, what with suddenly running away from her and Brock when she asked about my dad. If that didn't give it away that there's a problem, nothing will. You all but screamed it! …but she isn't even mad. I scared her and she isn't even about it… She even took care of me last night when I was out. But the point remains that now they know something's up for sure. What can I tell them? Maybe the truth? But I can't! If I tell them what a terrible person I am deep down and what I've done, she'll leave me. If I tell her it was all my fault, what would she say? My parent's divorce, dad having a hard time at work and drinking and.… It was all my fault. If he didn't want me, why should she? Besides, if I really told them the truth, well, I KNOW what HE'd do.

Ash hands were shaking and he was starting to feel dizzy again. He had a low grade fever he couldn't let them know about, and all the blushing wasn't helping. Getting sick was just one more thing to add to his list of worries. So after saying a thank you to Misty, he walked into the other room to watch TV. He wanted to go outside, but a clap of thunder ruled out that possibility.

There was a special news report on TV when he turned it on. The body of a twelve year old girl had been found raped and beaten by the side of a rode between Vermillion and Viridian City that day.

Apparently she had been used, and then killed by multiple severe blows to her chest, back, legs, and belly areas.

There was no suspect in custody, but it must have been a well built, young to middle aged man to have raped and then delivered those blows with his bare hands.

This was the second body found in six months, there had been a twelve year old boy kidnapped on his way home from school and found dead 3 days later.

Both incidents happened near each other and were believed to be connected. If you knew any info you were to call the nearest police station or the number on the screen and tell them.

This man is very dangerous and the police are doing all in their power to stop him.

'Great' thought Ash. 'Just what this world needs, more violence.'

His friends looked at each other and sighed. It was going to be another one of those days. They went in and joined him after they finished their food and cleaned up the kitchen. They watched a romance movie for Misty and a breeding show for Brock, but Ash didn't pick anything. Then they just kind of hung out around the house.

Brock cleaned while Misty tried to teach Togepi an attack, which didn't work out. When it stopped raining for a few minutes, Ash took Pikachu and the other Pokémon out to the little pond behind the house for some exercise. He was freezing cold and his nose was running, but he couldn't let on about it.

He didn't talk much, but felt a little better when Chikorita climbed into this lap to give him cuddles. Pikachu told the other Pokémon all that he knew about something being up with Ash. They were all concerned. Ash sensed this and before they had time to ask the questions that were going to come, he called them back and went inside.

It worried Pikachu even more to know that even surrounded by all of his Pokémon, who loved and supported him, he couldn't say anything. They'd protect him no matter what!

Why couldn't he just tell them at least, so he'd have someone to go to! They'd never leave him or abandon him, and he needed them as much as they needed him. If he didn't open up to them, they couldn't take care of him, and he surely couldn't take care of them right now if he can't even take care of himself, and they all felt alone.

But one thing scared Pikachu more than anything else. Ash had always told Pikachu everything. He'd even told him that he liked Misty, but was afraid to say anything to her. And even when he went through a hard time and bottled up, Ash had always, ALWAYS, told Pikachu what was wrong. Why not now?…

These thoughts had been racing through Pikachu's mind for a long time. He felt so helpless. Ash had been coughing and shivering a lot that day, he had even lost his balance a few times while he was sitting in the lawn chair by the pond and Pikachu had had to support him until he came back around and pulled himself together.

His dad was coming in a few days, and the storm had picked up again before they could get back to the house, leaving Ash soaked and cold. Again.

------

Delia came home from her meeting much later than she thought she would. Around five o'clock.

She apologized and ran into the kitchen to start cooking dinner. When it was ready, she let them eat in the living room for once, using the coffee table.

Delia, Misty, Brock and Pikachu all sat and ate quietly, constantly stealing glances at Ash, who hadn't eaten all day and still wasn't, as the rain and thunder fought to make the most noise outside.

Ash knew they were all thinking the same thing. They were all worried about him, and he knew he owed them an explanation for his behavior. He looked up at all of them. "Hey, guys? About running away from the restaurant last night… I'm sorry. I just… felt kinda dizzy. Like claustrophobia or something. I didn't have time to really explain it. I just had to get out of there, you know?"

"Sure," said Brock, "We understand that, Ash. What we don't get it why you've been acting so strange these last two days. Is something on your mind?"

Ash felt so strange and sleepy, he couldn't think straight enough to have anything on his mind, let alone a good fake explanation. So he just said what ever popped into his head, and at that moment, his head was sleepy. "Not really, I just felt a little tired. No big deal."

He wanted to tell Misty the truth. He wanted to just cry and let it all out and feel her close to him, telling him it would be ok, like she always had. One time, when he had been really upset, she had even held him when he cried.

He had loved feeling her sitting next to him, her arms around him, and when she was telling him it was all ok, her voice could hypnotize him and calm him down no matter what. It would all go away and nothing would matter as long as she told him so. He wanted her to rub his arm gently and hold him until he fell asleep. She could get anything out of him when she did that. He wanted her to do that now, but he knew it wouldn't help the problem, it would make it worse, and put her in danger if HE ever found out that she knew.

He wanted her to tell him she loved him, but the knew it would never happen.

Ash tried to focus his eyes on something, but his vision was so blurry he only saw blurry colors. He felt his head start to spin and knew he'd have to leave, but he couldn't just run away again right after he just apologized and made an excuse for the last time he did that. He decided maybe it would fade and he would try to tough it out. He was going to be a Pokémon master! He could beat this.

Misty wasn't buying this one bit, and she knew Brock wasn't either. Pikachu was looking so sad and worried about his trainer he could have burst out crying and she wouldn't have been surprised one bit. It wasn't fair for Ash to do this to them, but there was nothing she could do that would make him talk… yet.

He wasn't quite ready. Soon, when all the emotional weight proved too much for him, he would talk. She knew how to coax it out of him. She'd done it many times. But this time was different than the others. He felt scared of something, not down in the dumps.

She sighed and finished her dinner. As she got up to put her plate in the kitchen, she noticed something she hadn't before: Ash looked really flushed and was breathing heavily. His skin was so pale, but his cheeks were really pink. She had been expecting this to happen before too long.

His emotions were building up inside of him, and the pain and strain of it all, combined with running through the rain last night and going out in the cold today, were getting the best of him. She put her plate down, walked to the couch and sat down next to him.

------

Ash noticed her coming up to him, but didn't even move or try to stop her as he felt her hand touch his forehead. He started coughing. It hurt his chest and throat to cough so hard, and he tried to stop, but just couldn't. He hadn't wanted them to know how sick he really did feel. He hadn't wanted to let them get too close to him where they could feel his fever, but at that moment he was too tired to care about anything. Too weak to fight back.

He felt chills run through him and shivered. He felt painfully hot inside, and dizzy. He coughed harder but he still couldn't seem to breathe. The world was spinning in front of him and turning purple, which was progressively starting to turn a darker black.

------

Misty touched his forehead. He was hot. VERY hot, and breathing hard. Then he started coughing. This wasn't normal. She had expected Ash to get sick from the rain last night and then going out in the cold today, but he had let himself get this bad without even telling them he felt sick.

It was like he was totally shutting himself down from everyone around him. He was scaring her, terrifying Pikachu, worrying his mother. Brock was the only one who didn't seem surprised. He saw Ash begin to sway and walked around the table. Misty noticed it, too, and put her hands on either shoulder and leaned Ash into her until Brock got there.

Ash felt his body start to relax against Misty's as Brock walked over to him. He wrapped Ash's arm around his shoulder and stood up. Misty took his other arm and they both sort of half dragged, half carried Ash up the stairs. Ash made it about half way up the steps before he couldn't fight against the pain any longer and passed out. His friends took him into his room, rolled out his mattress, and laid him down. Delia followed them into the room and watched helplessly.

Misty wanted Ash to have the bed, but Brock said he'd be better off down low near the floor. If he woke up and tried to get down his ladder in this condition, he may lose his balance and fall or who knows what. Misty left it at that. After all, Brock was the one who had raised ten little kids almost by himself. And Ash was still only eleven years old and even smaller than she was. She knew that Brock probably knew how to take care of him better then Delia did in this situation. Delia and never had a child before Ash, and this had never happened before with him. She didn't know what to expect. It hurt her, but Delia knew she had to leave this up to Brock and Misty. They seemed to know what Ash needed better than she did. So she quietly left the room, praying he would get better soon.

Brock took Ash's temperature and Misty got an ice pack wrapped in a thin towel and dabbed it on his forehead and cheeks. Little Pikachu got Ash's blanket out of the closet and dragged it over to the little bed on the floor. Ash's labored breathing had subsided and he was now breathing deeply in sleep.

The three of them sat up with him for a while, but it got late fast, and eventually Misty turned to Brock and said, "Why don't you go down to bed, Brock? Pikachu and I can watch him. He'll be fine, I'm sure."

Brock reluctantly agreed and left the room. After a few more minutes, Misty laid down next to Ash. She didn't want him to wake and see her, but it felt so right to lay by him. Misty secretly loved taking care of Ash. She was worried when he was sick, but it also proved that he needed her. No one else cared about him as much as she did, and he needed someone to be there for him. He wouldn't say anything when he was closed up outside and struggling inside, of course, but she knew that he didn't want to be alone.

When he'd gone through bad times before, and finally came to Misty and told her, he would look at her and ask for help, and admit that he didn't know what to do. Of course those times were all about something that had gone wrong in a battle that lingered with him, But those where still the times he opened up to her the most. She wished he would open up to her now, and tell her he needed her like they both knew he did. Eventually, she fell asleep. Pikachu stayed awake and watched Ash for any changes in his condition.

------

Ash was dreaming. He had been afraid to pass out earlier because he knew this would happen again. There he was, around nine years old, in his dad's house. It was storming outside and his dad's temper was storming inside.

He heard his dad yell at him, "It's all your fault, you little shit! If you weren't around, your mama wouldn't have kicked me out. It was all because of you!"

Ash was crying and so scared, but was to afraid to move, lest his dad decided to do more than just yell. His dad continued to yell at him, as Ash laid on the floor, crying and paying silently to God for help. It didn't come.

His dad saw his tears and screamed, "Why do you always cry? You think your tears can make me go soft? I'm gonna give you what you deserve, and there's no way out of it! Just you wait!"

He reached down and grabbed Ash's collar violently, almost cutting off his air way as he dragged him roughly across the room to the hall. Ash knew what was coming. The one thing he couldn't handle. He could take the yelling and hitting better than he could take this. He'd rather die than get locked up in here one more time. He stared sobbing, "No, dad, no! Not the closet, please. Anything, do anything, just don't lock me in the dark again. I can't handle it anymore, PLEASE! God, please no!"

"SHUT UP!" was his only response as he was thrown against the closet wall so hard he felt pain shoot through his entire body in one huge wave, the shock temporarily paralyzing him long enough for the door to close and lock, leaving him the hot dark.

He felt his fear growing. The reason Ash hated the closet was because he lost control in it. his imagination went crazy and he could almost physically feel the pain that his dad would inflict when he came back. It was the most torturous thing on earth for Ash to be locked up, helpless, unable to escape from his father. Ash imagined chains hitting him, bats, boards, pipes, bars, rope tying him down, making him helpless against hot pokers, it was enough to make him burn with the searing pain of it all.

His imagination ended up tearing him apart more than his dad ever could. His dad could never do all that he wanted, because he knew that Ash had to be able to go back to his mom two days later in long sleeves and pants, and act like everything was fine.

Apart from a rough game of football that gave him a black eye or something. She had no idea how bloody and battered he was under those clothes he always wore back then.

After what seemed like forever, Ash dad came back, dragged him out of the closet, and all hell ensued.

-----

Around two in the morning, Misty was woken up by a very panicky looking Pikachu. She saw why right away.

Ash was in his bed, still asleep, but was breathing heavy, his body giving little twitching motions, crying, moaning, and uttering words and sentences that didn't run together and made no sense. She touched his arm; it felt cold and clammy. But his face, especially his cheeks and neck, were almost crimson from the fever he was running.

His symptoms showed he was in shock from something, and in this condition, if she couldn't calm him down and cool him off fast, she'd be on the phone with an ambulance.

She crawled up close to him and put her hand gently on his forehead, and grabbed his wrist to keep him from swinging it around. He still tried to move it, and she began to call to him. Not out enough to wake everyone. Brock was downstairs sleeping, Delia was at the other end of the hall, and both of them slept like a rock.

Misty said his name gently, but loud enough to make herself heard over his mumbling and crying. He still cried and jerked his body in little movements, like he was fighting invisible restraints.

She was getting really scared. This was dangerous. His body couldn't handle the strain, and he was way too hot. She began to shake him and call his name over and over. No response. Pikachu was getting too panicky, too. "Piiiiiikaaaaaa…." His cheeks flared in his automatic reflex to his fear.

"Pikachu, no!" She said, putting her hand on his head to calm him, "who knows what that could do to him now. Ash, come ON! You have to wake up now!" she grabbed his shoulders and shook him forcefully until he suddenly gave a small sob and his eyes sprang open. His body stopped jerking, and his eyes started roaming around like he was looking for someone in panic.

Misty saw this right away and immediately held his trembling hand and started gently soothing him, and running her hands through his hair to calm him. "Ash, it's ok now, it's me. It's Misty. It's just me and Pikachu now. It's safe now. You're home. I'm here for you, ok? I'm gonna take care of you. You can calm down now, no one's going to hurt you."

Ash didn't seem to hear anything she said. Tears were streaming out of hiss eyes. He looked so terrified. She grabbed a cloth and dipped it in the water bowl, then pressed it firmly to his forehead, keeping her hand over it. This finally seemed to reach him.

He looked at her through the darkness. "Misty?" He whispered through choked sobs.

"I'm here." She said gently. He suddenly tried to sit up quick, but Misty held him back down. He looked at her, struggling to sit anyway.

"Where is he? Where did he go? Did he get you?" She knew he was delirious, and she would do whatever she had to, to make him better. He had stopped struggling, too weak to fight it any longer.

"Pikapi…" Pikachu said through his own tears.

"He's not here, Ash. He was never here. You had a bad dream. That's all, it's all over now. You have to stay still."

He started breathing in quick little "He'll come back. He'll come back! He's coming back!" Each time he said it his voice got higher and smaller as his fear escalated into an even higher level of delirium. Misty knew what would work.

She moved her hands from his forehead to behind his ear and began running her fingers and stroking rhythmically up and down his neck along a really sensitive area. He reacted immediately to her touch. He fell quiet after only a few strokes, which stopped his fear from building any higher. She could feel his body already beginning to cool down. He still had the hiccups form all the crying he had done before now, but they wouldn't last too much longer at this rate.

He rolled over on his front and used his arms only to pull himself into her lap. His head and upper chest were resting on her thighs now, with his arms reached up above his body and wrapped around her waist as if to say "Please don't leave me."

She didn't try to stop him. She knew that delirious people would sometimes betray their feelings by doing what they want to do most. Like right now, if Ash were thinking clearly, he would never ask to have her hold him, he'd be too afraid. He was still so small, he didn't understand what he was feeling in those situations.

Misty knew, she was the romantic in the group, after all. But right now, he wasn't able to control his feelings. He just needed what he wanted most. And if he wanted her to hold him and take care of him while he was scared, who was she to refuse? He wouldn't remember any of this in the morning anyway. His breathing slowed as his muscles began to relax as she continued her hypnosis attack. Pikachu watched in amazement at how much power she held over his trainer. Ash was asleep within minutes. She worked on cooling him down, and got his fever under control before too long.

Then she reached up and grabbed his notebook. She knew she wanted to wait, but she had a right to know after this. This was ridiculous and dangerous and she wouldn't let it fly. No way. She opened the book and read the sloppy writing that was all over the paper. It was covered in tear marks. He'd been hysterical when he wrote it.

Journal,

I don't know what to do. he's coming back. What if he does what he did before? What if he's just the same and hasn't changed? What am I going to do? I can't tell anyone. You know what he'll do if I tell. I wouldn't even care if he just did it to me, but he'll do it to anyone I tell, too. Anyone who knows. I can't run from him. What do I do? I can't fight it. I just can't. I'm so scared. She'll think I'm a wuss if I told her how afraid I am. She'll leave me and I can't handle that. I need her. I feel sick. what am I supposed to do?

Misty was crying, herself, as she read the paper. She rubbed the back of the little boy sleeping in her lap. Him being in so much pain, emotionally and physically, was killing them both inside. She cried and held the small boy as best she could.