Dana watched as the breeze gently blew through the grass, making it sway to an unseen rhythm. Her hair danced across her face causing several tendrils to hang in her face until the next breeze blew them back into place. She raised her head and let the sun caress her face like an old friend. The blue of her eyes matched the cloudless, perfect sky. The green of her sun dress matched the flawless grass. Everything was perfect and comfortable. Everything made sense and nothing out of the ordinary happened. A ghost of a smile betrayed her thoughts as did the far away look in her eyes. She was thinking about him again. Always thinking about him.
Him being Fox Mulder. Her partner in more ways than she could count. He was her best friend, partner, lover and lastly husband of six months. Her eyes, unconsciously, went the simple diamond ring on her finger. It didn't mean anything here but to her it would always mean love and devotion. Six months she had been married to him. She was happy then. Unlike now. Sure she was content and pain didn't exist but she wasn't happy. She felt empty like her soul was incomplete. But there was nothing she could do about it.
At first she didn't understand. One minute she was being held in Mulder's arms being screamed at to hold on until the paramedics arrived and next she didn't know where she was. She had expected to wake up in a hospital with Mulder asleep at her bedside, holding her hand. But there was no Mulder here. Instead it was her father that she saw first when she 'woke up'. That's when her mind went into overdrive trying to figure out where here was. A part of her knew where here was but that part kept quiet as she surveyed her situation. She came up empty on explanations.
Her father had been quiet as well, regarding her with such warmth and love but also with underlying sadness. He took in her appearance and noted how much she looked like her mother. He had so much to say to her. So much to ask but he stayed quiet, letting her have time to adjust.
"Ahab?" It felt weird for her to be saying that name again. And suddenly she was at a loss. That part of her that knew what was going on and had stayed quiet was beginning to surface.
"Yes, Starbuck. It's me." He smiled at her and brushed a stray strain of red hair from her face. "It's good to see you again but I had hoped our reunion wouldn't be so soon."
His words weren't direct but they confirmed her fears. "No..." She whispered as she choked back a sob and flung herself into her fathers arms. "This must be a dream. A really horrible dream and I'll wake up." She mumbled into his neck as she clung to him.
"Dana, this is not a dream. There is no waking up from this." He explained to her rational mind and hoped that it listened. He held her tightly as she sobbed. "You were shot, sweety." He mumbled into her hair. "You didn't make it out of surgery" He pulled back and brushed his fingers along her brow where the bullet had entered and lodged. "I'm so sorry."
She couldn't stop crying or shaking. She knew what shock felt like and also knew that she was going into it. Her whole body shook with such force that she had passed out in her fathers arms. Only to be awakened later by her sister. That was when she finally grasped what had happened. There was no reason for her to argue that it wasn't real or that someone was messing with her mind because her heart knew that it was true. She was dead. She had been shot and died in surgery.
Another breeze brought her out of her musings and she scuffed at the ground with her barefoot. She was lonely, though she wouldn't admit that to her father or sister. Some things just never changed. She still felt the urge to be independent and didn't need help from anyone. She had turned them down when they wanted to help her to let go. To grieve over the life that she lost so that she could move on and be as happy and as content as they were. But she didn't want to grieve and she didn't want to move on. All those things meant that she would have to let Mulder go. She couldn't do that.
Again she scuffed at the ground and turned her eyes back to the sky. Today she had gotten her first chance, since dying, to watch over Mulder. To see how he was doing without her. What she saw wasn't what she expected. She expected to see him mourning for her, grieving over her death and burying himself in work. Instead she saw him with a group of friends at a party. A group of friends that he didn't have when she was alive. He was drinking, laughing and having a good time like she had never existed. It had hurt her instead of reassuring her. She felt even lonelier and more helpless than before. But there was nothing she could do about it. He was obviously not the person she thought he was. This time she was brought out of her thoughts by a gentle hand on her shoulder so she brought her gaze from the sky to her sister. "What?"
Melissa Scully wasn't stupid and she knew her sister was hurting. It had surprised her to learn that Dana had married Fox. She hadn't checked in with her sister since Emily's death and that was only because she was reaching out for her. "It's been awhile, Dana." She lead her sister over to a soft grassy hill and sat down with her. "Time doesn't exist here so what you consider a day here might be a month, a year or even a century down on Earth. But in your case...three years have passed since you left."
"You mean since I died." She snapped. "I didn't leave, Missy. This wasn't by choice. I was taken away from my life and dumped here." Tears were welling up in her eyes again but she wiped them away before they could fall. "But when I looked at him...he seemed to happy."
"And you're not?" It was more of a statement than a question. Melissa knew her sister was restless and unhappy. She also knew that Dana had been labeled a lost soul and wasn't fully able to accept the peace that heaven brought. "He isn't happy, Dana." She shook her head. "He puts on that act for his VCS buddies because he doesn't want them to report him to Doctor Fuller. But when he goes home...the act disappears."
"Doctor Fuller..." She mumbled knowing that the woman was one of the FBI's in-house shrinks. "Act or not...it still hurts, Missy. I was married to him for six months and partnered with him for six years and I never saw him laugh so much." She shook her head and looked down at her hands. "I never saw him that happy before."
"He's mourned you, Dana. He's mourned you and trying to move on with his life. He gave up the X-Files and transferred to VCS. He's popular there. People like him."
"I miss him." She whispers, quietly. This time when she looks at her sister, the tears are freely falling. "I would rather be in hell than have to suffer through heaven without him. At least in hell, I'd be able to feel the pain I need to feel right now."
Melissa's eyes widened at her sisters words and she pulled her into an embrace. "Don't say that, Dana. Don't ever say that. You earned your place here." She stroked her sisters hair and rocked her. "Go see him." She whispered before breaking the embrace and leaving her sister to think.
She cried for what seemed like forever until she heard her sisters words. She could go see him. She knew how to do that. But could see really go and not break any of the rules? Were there any rules? She tilted her head to the side and smiled. She would go see him.