I don't own Pokemon. Now that that's out of the way… I need to remind you that this story is rated R and that should not be taken lightly. Thank you to all my reviewers, especially those who came back after reading this story the first time sooo many years ago!

I dedicated this chapter to an author on this site and an e-mail friend of mine a long time ago. I don't plan on ever retracting a dedication, so though it is old, this chapter is for kasumigrl. Read her fics. She writes cute little AAMRs. Pester her with weird reviews! (evil laughter sorry, Sumi-chan!)

Painful Secrets

Chapter 5 --- Truth Be Told

"Hey, guys?" said Ash sleepily, "There's something I have to tell you…" But he fell asleep before he could get it out.

Misty continued to hold him as she turned to Brock and Pikachu, and smiled through her tears. "He's ready," She said.

"Yeah," Said Brock. "He's ready to tell us. I hope he still feels that way after a good sleep. That medicine sure picked a rotten time to kick in…"

"Pikachu!" agreed Pikachu, who had curled up in the crook of Ash's legs.

"He'll tell. He'll be fine now. I'm sure of it." She answered them. A moment of semi-quiet relief settled on the room, and then, "Hey, Brock? What are we going to tell his mom?"

"I don't know. I should try to fix the door up a bit." Said Brock, looking thoughtfully at the door. "What was that all about, anyway?"

"I'm not sure, but when he was in the closet, he started saying some of the same things that he said last night when he was delirious. It's as if he thinks someone is after him, and I don't know if you've really thought about it, but it's only started since he found out his dad was coming over. I think there's a connection there -I really do- but I don't know what it could be. I mean, why would Ash be afraid of his dad like that? He acted like he was expecting something to happen back there."

"You know, the reason he was acting like that is probably because something happened to him when he was younger. Maybe he's claustrophobic?"

"Chu…" said Pikachu, doubtfully.

"I don't know, Brock. He's been in all kinds of caves and sewers and such before and has never done anything even remotely close to panicking. Ash always tries to keep his cool in tough situations. I mean, he never just lets us see the little kid side of him, but what he did just now… I don't think he could help it. He seemed to be in a whole other world where we weren't. If something happened to him between he and his father when he was little, it must have cut him deep…" She bit her lip thoughtfully for a moment, hunting for some kind of clue, and then, "But that still doesn't explain why he would be afraid that someone's after him!"

"Well, I'm officially confused!" said Brock. "And I guess I'll stay that way until Ash wakes up. He shouldn't be out for too long, even with the medicine. He's probably just piecing himself back together. We have rouse him in a few minutes anyway, because if his mom comes home and sees him like this all bandaged up, she'll have a conniption fit. We have to move him upstairs and I'm afraid of hurting his arm more if I carry him, so he's best off walking. We can also talk there, where it's quiet and no one will walk in."

He had walked out into the hall and was now looking at the bent door from different angles. "Oh, man! How am I going to hide this!" Misty almost smiled at how Brock was able to take charge so well. 'What would we do without him?'

He began banging part of the door that was bent outward so that it was straight again. While he was doing this, Misty was studying Ash's skin. It was strange, but as she looked closely, she could he several oddly shopped scars covering him that she'd never noticed before. They had faded, as all scar tissue did in time, and his dark tan hid them very well, but Misty couldn't imagine what Ash could have possibly done that had made so many oddly shaped bruise scars when he was younger. Even Ash's clumsiness didn't extend THAT far. Brock's banging sounds soon distracted her before she could ponder it any further.

After a few minutes, you wouldn't have known anything had happened to the door if you didn't look real close, and that closet was rarely used. The only one in the house who might ever do something so bizarre as scrutinize the closet door was Mr. Mime, and Brock could stop him from talking by simply stealing the mop and threatening never to give it back.

"Ok." Said Brock, walking back in the living room. "Wake him up slowly, so he doesn't get scared or jump up and hurt himself or anything."

Misty shook him a little, careful not to disturb his shoulder. "Ash," She called in a sing-song voice, "It's time to wake up now. Hey, we're gonna go upstairs to your bedroom, ok? C'mon."

Ash slowly opened his eyes and heard her. He hadn't been in a very deep sleep anyway, so he woke up easily. He just sat up without argument, and they all headed upstairs. Now that he was emotionally together again, he didn't need help with the stairs or anything. He knew what he was going to do, and he had to do it before his nerve ran out.

They made it up to his room and he sat on the ladder up onto his bed, his feet on the bottom step with the rest of him on the third. Just as high off the floor as he would be if he were sitting in his desk chair, which was occupied by Brock. Pikachu was perched on the desktop, and Misty had pulled the rocking chair out of the corner and sat a few feet away from Ash.

They were all quiet for a little, then Ash spoke quietly, with his head down, like he was ashamed or sorry for something he had done. "Hey, guys?" he asked slowly. "Why do you stay with me? I mean, as I travel around and earn badges. Why do you stay with me?"

Brock and Misty looked at each other in bewilderment. Then Brock answered in a sort of confused voice, "Because you're our best friend, Ash. That's what friends do. They stick together."

"Why are you my friends?" Ash asked, still talking slowly and ashamed, like he was scared of their answer.

"Well," started Brock, "Because you're nice, and friendly… and you have a lot of determination that stands out. You're stubborn, but brave, you have a lot of pride, and people admire that about you. You never give up on anything. And you're honest. You don't keep secrets from us." He said the last two sentences with a bit more emphasis.

Ash, again, felt a tear run down his face as Brock spoke. He'd cried more in the last hour than he had in his whole life before then, but he didn't care then. He also realized that his hat was down on the couch, so there was no way to hide his pain anymore. He bowed his head.

Misty saw Ash's tear fall as Brock said his last two sentences. She cut in with a gentle voice, "Ash, you're our friend because we like you. You're a good person with a good heart and we want to be near you because of that." As she said her last sentence, Ash squeezed his eyes shut as more tears fell. He was wringing his hands together.

Then he whispered, "I'm not a good person."

"What? (pika?)" Asked his three very unsure friends in unison, leaning forward, toward him.

"I'm not a good person" He said again in a small cracking voice instead of a whisper, "I'm not. I've done… things. I mean, I've gotten in so much trouble for them."

"Ash," asked Misty coaxingly, is if speaking to a three year old, "What are the bad things that you think you've done?"

"I don't think I've done them. I know I did. I'm the reason my parents broke up. It's my fault. And it's my fault that my dad has to send us money, even though he doesn't want to. When he has a bad day at work it's also my fault. And, and, and…" He started hiccupping the last word, then broke off into body-racking sobs, unable to continue saying what else was 'his fault'. He pressed his forehead into his hands, trying to hide his face.

Brock, Misty and Pikachu looked at him with very bewildered expressions again. They suddenly got the feeling that this was just the icing on a cake with many layers. Misty didn't waste a second.

"Who told you that?" She asked him. No answer, just crying. "Ash, who told you that?" She repeated herself louder and more clearly.

"Dad." Came the almost inaudible whisper. 'Here it comes' thought Ash. 'Here's the part when they tell me I'm terrible and that they hate me and leave forever.'

"Why would you're dad blame you for something like that?" Asked Brock seriously. "Is that why you don't want to see your dad again?"

"No. It's sort of the reason, but not really. And he blamed me because it's true." He said ashamedly through his sobs.

"No." Said Misty, reaching up and taking his hands away from his tear stained face. "No, Ash. It's not true. Not at all. You're dad was wrong. Sometimes things happen, and they're nobody's fault. They just happen."

Ash was amazed that Misty was still there with him, that she wasn't treating him like some awful inhuman thing, and that she was supporting him.

But that was all thrown to the back of his mind as he heard what she said and he was suddenly looking a bit confused himself.

"But why else would he do it? He said it was because I'm bad. He told me it was because I'm a bad person and I deserved it. He told me it was my fault."

All the others in the room were speechless. Well, maybe not speechless, they all had one question in mind, but they were afraid to ask it. Ash trembled and started playing with his gloves. He seemed to be worried by the silence. They thought it was strange, but Ash seemed to be bracing himself for them to start yelling at him or something. Misty took a gentle hold on his fidgeting hands again.

"Ash," she said in a very coaxing/serious voice, "What did your dad do to you?"

It was silent for a few moments. Misty was about to ask again a little sweeter when the secret spilled out.

"He hit me." It was a barely audible shaky whisper, and they all found themselves in total shock.

Brock forced his tongue to work. "Do you mean he spanked you?"

"No, Brock." Said Ash shaking with silent sobs. "I mean he hit me."

Brock was still not willing to believe it. "When you say hit…" He started delicately, hoping against hope that it wasn't what he thought it was.

"I mean he beat me!" Ash shouted out, half jumping up and interrupting Brock before he could finish his stupid question. Misty was with him in a second, trying to calm him, but Ash wouldn't be calmed. He'd been holding this in since he was seven and he was going to get it out NOW!

"I mean he'd yell at me and throw me in the closet and lock me in the sweltering hot dark and leave me there for hours while he got drunk and then come home and pull me out and throw me at the wall and tell me it was my fault he had to work and my fault that they separated and my fault that he had a bad day and my fault that he never had money and it was ALL MY FAULT!"

Ash was now shouting, occasionally screaming, himself hoarse through very loud and violent sobs. Tears were flying off his face, and he was swinging his hands through the air violently to try to show them as well as tell them, what it was like. Misty had backed away, afraid to try to calm him. She and Pikachu were crying, too, but Ash was on a roll.

Then suddenly; "And then he… then he hit me." He almost whispered, then paused to breathe before continuing his shouting, "He hit me with his fists and his boots and his belt and bats and bars and ropes and switches whip-things and jabbed me with pokers and broken glass and nails and burned me and…"

He suddenly dropped to the knees and started coughing and trying to breathe for sobbing before continuing in the middle of another sentence without raising his head once. "Until I was knocked out and he'd leave me there until I woke up and start it all over again… and now you guys are going to hate me and leave and it's all my fault!" The last part was said in a whisper and he had started shaking, not with anger, but with fear. Fear that they would leave him.

Ash stopped, took a few deep breaths, and just started crying quietly. He didn't dare look up. He expected his friends were probably already gone by now. They probably hated him after that and never wanted to talk to him again. They had liked him because they thought he was a good person, and now they knew how grotesque and worthless he was. Even his own father hated him. No one would ever like him now if they knew that his own father didn't even want him.

The thought broke his heart… but then he felt both Brock and Misty lay a hand on his back, kneeling next to him on either side, and saw Pikachu climb into his lap and spread his little arms to hug him.

Ash sat shocked by what was taking place and wondered why this was happening, when the realization suddenly hit him that they weren't going to just leave him.

Misty didn't hate him and she was going to stay right there with him, and he suddenly felt so grateful to God and knew then more than ever that he needed her.

He turned toward her and she must have understood perfectly because she accepted is embrace and held him and just let him cry. She rocked him and caressed his back while Brock kept a supportive hand on his shoulder, to let Ash know that they were all there, and that none of them were leaving him.

Ash cried like that for a long time before he ran out of the energy to cry anymore. He refused to fall asleep, he'd slept most of the day, but he still felt so weak and tired. 'I guess that's what crying for hours after taking Nyquil does to you.' He thought to himself as he tried to calm himself.

His cries eventually turned into little whimpering noises, and then just deep breathing and hiccups.

They all heard his mom come in downstairs. It was around eleven o'clock now. Misty hoped she would open the door to tell them to go to sleep. Ash hoped she wouldn't see him like this and start to baby him. He had his friends to do it for her, and they were better at it. Brock hoped she wouldn't notice the broken closet door.

As luck would have it, she came up and went to bed right away, no questions asked. So they were safe to talk quietly a little longer.

Ash leaned away from Misty so she knew she could stop rocking him now, and picked up Pikachu and held him close.

He stayed down on the floor, while Brock got back up in the chair to give Ash some space. Misty stopped holding him, but still had her hand on his back. It was quiet except for Ash's deep breathing and the rain pelting the window softly.

Those noises kept the environment in the room form being totally uncomfortable and helped Ash feel better. He had decided he wouldn't say anything and let them talk to him first.

Misty found her voice. "When?"

"Every time I went in there. Since I was seven." He answered calmly. His eyes were closed and Brock figured he was probably exhausted and trying to conserve his energy so he wouldn't fall asleep on them.

"Every time!" He asked him. "Ash, why didn't you tell anyone?"

"Because he said if I did he would kill me. And he'd kill who ever I told."

"Ash," said Misty, "Didn't you think that if you told someone, your dad would be in jail and would never get the chance to hurt anyone again?"

"Yeah. But what if it didn't work that way? What I told my mom and she blamed me, too? It is my fault that they broke up and that he drinks and everything else, so I thought deserved what I got."

Misty tilted his chin up so they were face to face. "Listen to me, Ash. It is not your fault. It never was, it isn't now, and it never will be.

Your mother would never blame you for anything like that. She loves you more than anything in this world and you know that.

Do you really think that if she blamed you, she would be so protective of you and care so much? If you asked your mother if she blamed you she'd tell you the same thing I'm going to tell you right now. Your parents broke up because he was drinking and your she was scared for you. It's not your fault he drank. He did it because he chose to, not because of you." She paused to let this sink into him. He seemed to be starting to finally understand these things for the first time, but still looked guilty.

"Then why…" He started to ask. Brock interrupted him. He spoke softly, remembering that this was a scared, confused little boy in front of him, and he had to be careful with his words so as not to scare him further.

"Because he's a messed up person, Ash. There's something seriously wrong with him and he needs help. What he did to you was wrong on so many levels it's disgusting. There are child abuse laws. He broke them all. It's one of the worst crimes you can ever commit to hurt a child. He knew that. That's why he threatened you like that. He had to make sure you wouldn't talk."

Ash seemed a bit shocked so Brock waited for a minute before continuing.

"He's a seriously sick and disturbed person. And you said that he locked you up before he got drunk, then came back later after going to the bar! That means he wasn't even acting under the influence. He did that with a totally clear mind and he needs to be punished for that. But it's not your fault, none of what he said is true, and you definitely didn't deserve it, okay?"

Ash was quiet for a couple minutes.

"Okay?" Brock asked again.

"Okay." Ash answered quietly.

"Good." Said Misty proudly while rubbing his back. Then something else that Ash had said came into her mind.

"Ash," She started, "Why did you think we were going to leave you if you told us?"

Ash bit his lip. He had hoped they wouldn't mention that. "Well, I thought that if I told you what I had done and how I had been treated, you wouldn't like me anymore. I mean, if my dad didn't even like me, why should you? And you said that you stayed with me because I was a good person and I'm not and if you found out you'd leave…."

He trailed off because Misty and Brock were looking like they were going to give him a little talk about this. Afraid he'd said the wrong thing again, he quickly said, "I'm sorry. It sounds really lame now. I'm sorry…"

"Ash," Misty spoke carefully. "If I told you that I was beaten instead of you, what would you do?"

"The same thing you did for me." He answered hanging his head.

"That's right. Would you ever get up and leave me because you thought you were better than that, or would you instantly hate me?"

"No." He answered.

"That's right. You wouldn't. Do you know why?"

'Because I love you.' He thought, but outwardly he just shook his head for fear of saying the wrong thing.

"Because you care about others. You'd never hurt anyone, and you're always there for us. In fact, you care more for others than you do for your self. And that's what makes you such a good person."

Ash felt a small smile appear on his lips and tears starting to form again. But Misty wasn't done. She was going to make sure that Ash understood how strong their friendship was.

She was quiet for a minute, then put on a sad expression and said in a fake tearful voice, "Now I have a confession to make. I'm a bad person. I've done really terrible things."

"You're not a bad person!" Ash instantly objected. "You're one of the greatest people I've ever met! You're my best friend! I don't care what you've done. It doesn't matter to me."

"How can you say that I'm not a bad person? How do you know for sure?" She asked him, still sounding sorry for herself. Brock was smiling. He knew what she was doing and it was very clever.

"Because I've got proof, Misty." Ash answered her. "I see it in you every day. I can feel it, and I know you better than you know yourself."

Misty looked up smiling at him. "Bingo!" She said triumphantly. Brock was smiling big as well, and Pikachu was giving him a victory sign. Ash suddenly realized what had just happened and groaned.

"That's exactly how we feel about you, Ash." Said Brock.

"Yeah!" Misty said smiling. "We know you're a good person no matter what you say or how you try to hide it, and nothing that your dad said or did to you two years ago is going to change that. Nothing will ever change that! Ever! Okay?"

"Okay." He answered quietly. He felt much better, he knew that they would stay with him now, but Ash still had his head down. He still had something else on his mind.

"good." Said Brock, knowing they had to stop Ash's worrying. "Now, what should we do about your dad?"

Ash looked up. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, we should tell your mom or…"

"No!" Ash interrupted loudly, "We can't tell my mom. I can't just tell her after all this time. She'll want to know why I didn't tell her so long ago. And if I tell her the reason for that she'll freak out and call the cops or something."

"What's wrong with that?" asked Misty. "We should call the cops or something!"

"No," said Ash. "After all this time, maybe he's changed, and if he has, there's no reason to. And even if he hasn't, we've got no proof. Maybe we can just have a normal weekend and pretend nothing's wrong."

"What kind of proof are you talking about, Ash?" asked Brock, not liking where this was heading. "The police would want to see bruises for proof, and there's no way we'll let him touch you."

Ash was quiet and seemed to be considering something, then mumbled out, "You're right. The only other way to get proof would be for me to get alone with him and…"

"No, Ash!" Said Misty. "No way you're getting alone with him! He's dangerous! Look at what he's done to you! How can you even suggest that! Do you have a death wish!"

"No." Ash whispered, burying his face in his knees. "But what other way is there?" No one answered.

Then Misty decided to jump in before Ash could and said, "Right, if there is no other way to get proof. How about we just go with what Ash said before? I mean, he could have changed, right?

So, Ash, you just stick with us while your dad's here and he won't have the chance to do anything, and then he'll be gone in no time and we'll leave again for Johto, so you won't have to worry about him anymore, okay?"

The boys looked thoughtful for a moment, then said "okay."

"I mean, how hard can that be right," said Brock, "Now that that's settled, it's really late and your mom's going to come in here any second and…"

As if on cue, Deria Ketchum opened the door and poked her head around it. "What are you kids doing up this late?" She demanded. "You need your rest! It's eleven thirty at night! Get to bed now! Let's move it!"

Brock sighed, got up and left the room to go down to the couch which he loved so much, while Misty climbed on the top bunk and Ash pulled on a new shirt.

Satisfied, Deria left and closed the door.

-------

Ash finished making his bed and he and Pikachu climbed in. He cuddled up and realized how relaxed he now felt now that it was all in the open. He started to fall asleep, knowing that Misty was probably just as tired as he was. She hadn't even slept the night before for taking care of him!

However, even though he knew he should he feel better now, Brock had said something earlier that had made Ash think again. He had said that if Ash had told someone before, his dad wouldn't have been able to hurt anymore people. Ash knew that Brock had meant him and anyone he told, like his mom, but he still wondered.

'What if he did hurt other people besides me? If he could do it to me for so long without anyone knowing until all the proof was gone, then what could that mean for other people? When I didn't tell anyone, does that mean that he could still do it to them? He could have hurt a lot of people by now and they could be going through the same thing I am.'

He suddenly realized how crazy he sounded and shook his head to himself, 'No, Ash. Now you're just looking for trouble. Misty's right. He's probably changed and gotten better. He could have gotten better.'

Then he started thinking about other things that his friends had told him. 'But didn't Misty also say that he was sick and has problems? And he never could stop drinking the whole time before I left on my journey, after that I don't know.'

'What if he didn't get better? What if he's gotten worse? He was already bad, but worse? Come to think of it, didn't Brock say himself that the only reason dad didn't kill me before was because he'd get in trouble? Because people would know, because I was his responsibility for the weekend and if anything happened to me people would know and he'd get caught. He couldn't kill me back then because I'm his son.

But other kids don't have that advantage.

'Brock said that dad didn't do it because he just hated me. He hated the world and he wanted to take it out on someone, right? Well, what if he decided to take it out on someone else after I left and didn't bother just threatening them?'

Ash knew inside that his imagination was running away from a reality check and getting lost, but he couldn't help but have this feeling that maybe they were making too little out if this. That they were being too naïve about it all.

'What if he just did what he wanted to do all along and just killed them? What if there were people dead because of my dad, and because of me, for keeping shut about it?'

He stopped right there and shook himself back into reality. 'Geez, Ash! Slow down! Now you're just thinking crazy! Nothing like that's ever happened around here, anyway. Besides, he lives in Vermilion City and if there had been anything happen in a city that big, right on the coast near Maiden's Peak!'

He started thinking about all the shows that he's watched since he came home and continued to think to himself. 'It's got a huge population and there would be news crews all over the city and it would be on TV and the radio and cops would be everywhere, and there would… be a… city curfew… if it were… that… bad….' His thoughts trailed off.

Pictures of the news that was swarming all the channels and stations began to fill his mind; pictures of the streets of Vermilion and Viridian, crowded with cops. News papers headlines reading "Murder On Route 24!" and "Innocent Children Beaten To Death Outside Vermilion!" Photographs of a junior high boy and a girl whose bodies were recently found beaten to death by a strong middle aged man…. Police saying on TV that no suspects were yet in custody….

All this hit Ash in seconds and he felt himself begin to shake. His window was open and he heard himself whisper into breeze, "What have I done…?"

Then the memory hit him of Misty's voice earlier that same day: "They won't find him. He wouldn't stay around there, anyway. Now that they've found the bodies he'll probably find some excuse to skip town for a while."

Misty and Pikachu were asleep, so no one heard Ash's choked sob break the still silence of the night.