Disclaimer: Gravi doesn't belong to me. Damn.

A/N: An entire chapter of YuShu. We will get back to Hiro and Suguru next chapter. This is a...weird chapter. It has some strange form of humor, twisted beyond recognition. It has a very OOC-Yuki, but hey, canon-Yuki never had to deal with a truly depressed Shuichi, so we don't technically know how he'd act, right?


Disillusionment

Chapter 14-Out of the Woods

sunny1388

Shuichi yawned and stretched as much as he could with the plastic supporter restricting his movement. Ducking out from under Yuki's arm that was draped across his chest, he planted his feet on the ground before another yawn overtook him and he stretched again, twisting his head from side to side.

'So nice…' Shuichi thought as he smiled contently. He'd missed their home, their bed so much during his stay in the hospital. As soon as K dropped them off in front of the apartment, Shuichi had ran inside, barely registering Yuki's grumpy, concerned yells for him to 'slow the hell down!'. He didn't even bother to kick off his shoes and ran straight for their bed. But halfway down the hall, he was stopped by something he'd completely blocked out.

It was terrible. Shuichi knew that he screamed, but the rest of what happened was still a blur. By the time Yuki found him, he was kneeling in front of the open bathroom door in shock. Yuk had been surprisingly caring and had pulled the door closed, after a moment of shock and nausea himself. He'd forgotten about the…mess in the bathroom too.

Shuichi wasn't able to walk after the shock, so Yuki had gently pushed him to their bed, where he cocooned Shuichi in blankets and found one of his treasured Nittle Grasper CDs. Then he left, presumably to clean up and Shuichi fell asleep to Anti-Nostalgic drifting peacefully from the CD player on the bedside table.

It was no surprise that Shuichi had woken up with a nightmare, but he and Yuki didn't have any idea that it would be as intense as it had been. Still sitting on the bed, Shuichi slumped and dropped his face into his hands as he remembered with embarrassment the nightmare. It had been everything distorted into one terrifyingly realistic dream. The episode with Taki, which he thought he had left behind; his stumble into cutting; the bullet wound and…the cancer.

Shuichi jumped up all of a sudden, breathing heavily as all the stress and pressure caved in on him. But the desperation and panic were gone as quickly as they came and he checked to make sure he hadn't woken Yuki in his frantic breakdown.

Shuichi ran his fingers through his pink hair and took his hand away suddenly, disgusted. 'I need a shower…' Following that idea, he was the hyper idiot again. Grabbing clothes and the CD player, he tiptoed out of the bedroom, softly closing the door behind him before he started down the hall.

Taking a deep breath as he stood in front of the closed bathroom door, Shuichi pushed it open with a light touch, trying not to let his eyes squint closed. It didn't work. When he opened them again, he was relieved to see that the bathroom was back to normal again. 'Ah.' That was why Yuki had been exhausted.

Stepping into the bathroom and locking the door behind him, a sense of déjà vu caught him and he shuddered nervously before putting it behind him. Turning the CD player on quietly, he let No Style play on repeat, letting his memories drift back to the roots of Bad Luck; a tactic that always helped calm him down when things were hectic, even if it brought a little sad nostalgia with it. Humming along softly to the song, Shuichi went about his shower thinking as little as he could.

When the water hit his face, the boy jumped as a sharp stinging reminded him of the slowly healing cut on his forehead. The bullet had left a good sized cut and he should've had it covered still. And it wasn't supposed to touch water.

Shrugging, Shuichi went about his shower, wincing occasionally as sudsy water got into the cut no matter how careful he was to avoid it. He clenched his teeth as he quickly ducked under the water spray to rinse it off. Ow.

Oh well, Yuki would help him disinfect it later. He shuddered. The disinfectant was strong and stung so much. Whining to himself about how much his life sucked, Shuichi quickly finished up his shower.

After turning off the water, he wrapped a towel around his waist and tossed one on his head as he absently doodled shapes in the foggy mirror. He was dripping water all over the floor and no doubt Yuki would yell at him later, but that was one of the good things about being sick. Yuki didn't yell at him. Shuichi grinned, daydreaming about how much he loved Yuki. After enough condensation was gone, he suddenly stared back at his reflection in the mirror in shock. 'I look like hell!'

Shuichi unconsciously leaned closer and carefully touched his face. The bullet wound had mostly healed during his stay in the hospital, but he needed to cover it. After the shock he had received from the bathroom when he'd first gotten home, he'd forgotten about the doctor's strict orders to 'make sure to cover it up and disinfect it'. Shuichi winced. The disinfectant was strong and stung. He mentally whined just thinking about applying it. Shuichi had another strange jolt of déjà vu, but his mind drifted from it as he looked back in the mirror

The wound wasn't too bad. It had been deep and long, but the edges were tapered in depth so it was mostly the middle section that still needed to heal. The bruise on his cheek from Yuki's blow had almost completely faded away. There was still a little discoloration on his cheekbone that stood out from his pale skin, but it was the tiniest bit and overlooked except with close examination.

Other than the cut, the most noticeable aspects of Shuichi's face was how much thinner and paler he was. Shuichi was usually pretty pale and scrawny, but with the upcoming album and concert, he'd been losing weight for weeks. Shuichi squinted as he critiqued himself in the mirror, but then, tired of it all, turned away from it with a resigned sigh.

When Yuki woke up, he turned towards Shuichi's spot and blinked sleepily. Suddenly, he was wide awake as he realized that the boy was gone. Feeling the bed and realizing that it had been long abandoned, Yuki panicked. He threw the door to the bedroom open and ran to the door. Shuichi's coat and shoes were lying where they'd been left. Yuki stood in the middle of the living room in a sleep-wrinkled pair of pants as he ran his hands through his hair and listened.

A sudden terrible thought occurred to him and he went back to the hall. His heart sank in dread as he noted that the bathroom door was closed an a thin strip of light shined out from under the door, indicating that someone was inside. He pounded on the door,

"Shuichi?!"

"Yuki!" the startled gasp came from inside and Yuki's panic rose,

"Shuichi, open the door."

There was silence.

"Um, just a second, Yuki. I need to, uh, hang on."

"Open the damn door now!"

The silence stretched between them and Yuki couldn't take in anymore. He tried the door, but it was locked, of course. Running to the hall closet, he found the ancient spare set of keys and barged into the bathroom as quickly as he could get it unlocked with trembling hands.

Yuki stared at the scene in front of him at a total loss for words. Rare embarrassment began to creep up on him.

Shuichi was sitting on the toilet with a towel draped on his head but otherwise completely naked. The floor of the bathroom was puddled with water, obviously from Shuichi's shower. There were insane doodles all over the large mirror and every cabinet door in Shuichi reach was open.

Shuichi flushed a bright red that spread over his naked chest and he hid behind his bangs,

"Um…we don't have any more toilet paper, Yuki." Shuichi's voice was barely above a whisper and Yuki moved as if in a dream. He got toilet paper from the hall closet calmly, but as he was walking back, his embarrassment rose until he was as red as Shuichi when he got back to the bathroom.

"Thanks, Yu—oof!" Yuki had thrown the toilet paper at Shuichi and shut the door after him as he headed to the living room and retreated to his pack of cigarettes.

'What the hell is the matter with me?' Yuki scrubbed at his face as he pulled a stick out of the almost empty pack. He'd gone through almost an entire pack in a couple of hours after cleaning the bathroom the previous night. The ashtray was filled with half-smoked stubs and grey ashes. Lighting up the cigarette, he inhaled deeply and could feel himself starting to calm down.

After a while, a silent Shuichi dressed only in boxers and one of Yuki's shirts plodded into the living room and wordlessly sat down in Yuki's lap, snuggling in against his lover's chest.

"Move it, brat," Yuki poked at his lapful of Shuichi, "You're heavy!"

Shuichi shook his head against the bare chest. His bangs, which were already dry tickled Yuki but the cold water droplets on the rest of his pink hair dripped on Yuki, who yelped uncharacteristically. With a heavy sigh, Yuki decided not to shove Shuichi off and into the marble coffee table, as he usually did.

"One freaking time." Yuki conceded and Shuichi nodded solemnly, this time less energetically.

Yuki was silent for a long time, simply breathing in and out the noxious fumes from his cigarette. He seemed to be struggling with words, as if for once his expansive vocabulary didn't help him. Shuichi shifted uncomfortably, reacting to either the silence or his innate knowledge of his lover. And then he flinched.

Before Yuki could say anything, he suddenly felt scaldingly hot, thick liquid running down his chest. Looking down curiously at the same time that Shuichi looked up, both realized that the bullet cut had somehow torn open.

Yuki shifted Shuichi off onto the couch and stood up, "Shit!" he cursed as he went to find the first aid kit they had received from the hospital as a lovely parting gift. He returned quickly to find Shuichi huddled against the pillows on the far end of the couch with his legs drawn up to his chest.

"Do we have to?" Shuichi asked, with less whine in his voice than usual and more of his rare sincerity, "Please? Can't we just…cover it? Or something?"

Yuki arched an eyebrow questioningly, and Shuichi sighed in acceptance and scooted over as Yuki sat down and opened the first aid kit, extinguishing his cigarette in the ash tray. Rummaging through the rolls of gauze, pile of band aids, and mini packets of common meds, he found an alcohol towelette and eyed it skeptically. Instead he opted for the bottle of the stuff and a square of gauze.

Shuichi flinched as Yuki turned back to him. Yuki gently mopped up the blood around the wound before he prepared another pad of gauze with disinfectant.

Squinting his eyes shut and with his hands clenched tightly in his lap around the ends of Yuki's long shirt, Shuichi waited nervously on the edge of panic, without knowing the reason for his fear. It was just a little stinging…

"Watch it, kid, you're wrinkling my shirt."

Surprised, Shuichi unballed his fists and his eyes opened. Yuki, taking advantage of the distraction, leaned in and pressed the soaked gauze on Shuichi's forehead as gently as he could. It wasn't the best thing to do.

With a strangled cry, Shuichi scrambled back against the end of the couch and fell over the arm of it. From there, he skittered further away until he was backed up against the wall. His breathing was harsh and erratic, and he was panting and gasping for breath. After Yuki got over the initial shock of the strange reaction, he dropped the gauze and walked slowly over to Shuichi, not wanting to startle the panicked boy.

When he got close enough, he pried Shuichi's freezing cold left hand as gently as he could from where it was clamped around his right elbow.

"Shuichi?" his voice was hesitant. Even after they'd been together for so long, the name still sounded foreign to his lips. "Shuichi?"

Shuichi turned to him, but his eyes stared off so intently, that Yuki couldn't help looking behind him to see if there was anything there. Of course, there wasn't.

"God damn it, Shuichi, stop!"

The cut on Shuichi's forehead was still leaking blood and the ruby liquid against his pale skin made it seem even paler. As it had when Yuki had found him in the bathroom. Shuddering, Yuki waited as Shuichi's chest stopped heaving and his breathing slowly began to even out. The icy cold hands that Yuki didn't realize he was still holding began to warm up and when they started to tremble, Yuki stared at Shuichi and watched tears pool in the faraway eyes.

Finally after what seemed like forever, Shuichi's eyes shifted over to lock with Yuki's and that seemed to send him over the edge. He lunged at Yuki and clung to the blond with heart-breaking sobs wracking him,

"Yuki, I didn't mean to do it, I swear! Honest, I didn't mean to, really," Shuichi's words, gasped out in between sobs, "Believe me, I really didn't mean to!" and eventually the tirade faded into a desperate mantra, "I swear, I swear,"

Feeling self-conscious even though they were alone in the apartment, Yuki tried to do some of the things that he wrote in his books. The sentimental crap that he wrote that drove the women insane, the crap that disgusted him and, at the same time, sparked just a little longing in him. He tried to comfort Shuichi, petted his back, stroked his hair, feeling foolish the whole time, even though it seemed like it was helping.

"Yuki, I didn't mean it." Shuichi's crying had mostly stopped, but his eyes were still averted in shame, "I'm sorry."

There wasn't anything Yuki could say. Although he would never admit it, what Shuichi had done had hurt him, almost as much as it had filled him with guilt. He nodded, and then the moment passed and he released Shuichi, who sat wiping at his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt, completely mortified at his breakdown.

"You're getting my shirt wet." Yuki deadpanned and startled Shuichi enough for him to glance up. The boy managed a weak, watery chuckle and stood up to grab a tissue from the coffee table. With a sharp exhale of surprise, Shuichi felt himself start to tip over and splayed a hand on the wall for support. He felt Yuki come up behind him and tried to steady his quick breathing. It was too fast, as if he wasn't getting enough air. The boy's hand inched towards his chest, to rub away the burning there, but he resisted, having enough presence of mind to know that that would spark Yuki's interest; something he definitely did not want to do.

"What is it?" Yuki asked, as he watched his lover struggle for breath. Suddenly, Shuichi erupted in deep, wracking coughs as was happening too often and Yuki became concerned. Remembering what he'd done the previous time, he easily steered the distraught boy to the sofa and had him sit down. Awkwardly rubbing his back, Yuki tried to comfort him as he fought his own embarrassment. Comfort wasn't one of his strong points. Finally the coughing died down, but it had left Shuichi's throat sore and the silence in the apartment when it wasn't filled with Shuichi's chattering was disturbing for both of them.

Finally, Yuki left to make breakfast, although it was already midmorning. Shuichi changed into shorts and his beloved 'bitch' shirt and settled back down miserably into the sofa as he slowly recovered his strength from the coughing fit. It drove home how serious the cancer was and drove away a little more of the denial that was still enveloping him. He resolved then to go back and see the doctor and see what could be done for it. Sighing, Shuichi reached for the remote with nothing better to do, but the intercom buzzed then.

Yuki was clattering too loudly in the kitchen to hear, so Shuichi got up and made his way unsteadily towards the door.

"Hello?" he asked as he held down the little button with the smiley face, remembering when he'd first doodled it on the there with a permanent marker. He had lectured Yuki about how contact with the outside world and visitors, him in particular, were good. Then he drew a smiley face on the intercom button to remind Yuki of it. Needless to say, Yuki was not amused, but it was pleasant memory nonetheless.

"Hello?" he asked again, but there was still no reply. Shuichi walked over to the window and looked down at the door, spotting a familiar brown mop of hair. There was also no mistaking that voice as it yelled at the intercom to work.

"I'll be right back, Yuki!" grinning widely, Shuichi stumbled down the stairs and to the front door of the apartment, throwing it wide to Sakuma Ryuichi.

He was immediately glomped and Ryu's arms wrapped around him tightly. Shuichi could feel Kuma clenched in Ryu's hand on his back,

"Sakuma-san! What are you doing here?"

Ryuichi released him and pouted behind Kumagorou,

"We came to see Shu-chan!" he blinked, his expression relaxing before adding more seriously, "Are you okay?"

Shuichi scratched as his head, embarrassed,

"Yep, all fine now. Some bruises and cuts, but that's it." Inwardly, Shuichi cowered at the gross lie. All was not fine, but Ryuichi didn't need to know that.

"Great!" Ryuichi chirped and grabbed Shuichi's hand, his eyes darting to the window of Yuki's apartment, "Let's go for a walk, Shu-chan, just a little one, okay?"

Shuichi shrugged with a glance at his window, "Sure," he replied, tucking his hands into his pockets. They were starting to get cold, but that wouldn't keep him from a little walk. He followed Ryuichi as they walked to the park where he'd first met Yuki. The whole time, Ryuichi chattered about how pretty the fall colors on the leaves were. Once in the park, they took the unpaved nature trail through the small patch of woods.

The park was quiet. It was still a little early for outings to the park. Most people left that to Saturday afternoons, not Sunday mornings. The nature trail was abandoned so the two singers had the woods to themselves. As Shuichi walked down the well worn dirt path, he marveled at the leaves around him. It seemed as if in that half-week he'd been cooped up inside the hospital, all the leaves had turned vivid shades of red, orange, yellow, and maroons. There were still a few yellow-green leaves in there, but they melded with all the other fall colors.

Walking past the small lake hidden in the middle of the woods, the two young men stayed silent. There was something about the atmosphere of the forest then that seemed to evoke the same respectful silence as you heard in a church or a library. Past the river, the path twisted and turned under a literal canopy of branches and leaves. Shuichi paused to jump and snatch a handful of golden sassafras leaves from a low dipping branch. He turned around to show Ryuichi, who had a curious gleam in his eyes.

"Ryu-chan?" he asked, unsure of the look that he'd never seen before in Ryuichi's face, "What is it?" he laughed nervously, becoming self-conscious as Ryuichi continued to stare.

"Nothing." Ryuichi said finally, but his hand hovered between them, higher and higher until it rested light as a feather, cupping Shuichi's cheek.

"Ummm…." Shuichi blushed at the affectionate touch. A little too affectionate.

"Ryu-chan, what are you doing?"

"Shuichi…" Ryuichi voice sounded hoarse, "Can I kiss you?"

Shuichi jumped back from Ryuichi's touch immediately,

"What?!" the shock in his voice snapped Ryuichi out of his daydreams and he recoiled from Shuichi, staring down at his clasped hands,

"S-sorry…" he stuttered, and neither singer met the other's eyes.

After Shuichi managed to calm down the screaming voice in his head, he closed some of the distance between him and Ryuichi,

"Um, Ry—Sakuma-san, I…"

Ryuichi interrupted him, "Listen, just forget about it, okay?" he looked up finally, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-…I didn't"

"It's okay." Shuichi replied, and both shifted uncomfortably before Shuichi suggested, "Well, we should--or, I should head back."

They finished up the nature trail quickly and left the woods for the noisy streets of Tokyo. They provided more distraction. Finally they were back at Yuki's apartment,

"Shuichi, I'm sorry about that. I—"

"It's okay, Sakuma-san." Ryuichi's heart sank as he noted how Shuichi had gone back to his formal way of addressing him, "Thank you for visiting me, I'll see you at work tomorrow."

Ryuichi was startled, there was no way that Shuichi would be returning to work the day after he'd checked out of the hospital! He was just about to argue it with Shuichi when the other singer apparently sensed what he was going to say and quickly retreated inside the building,

"See you tomorrow, Sakuma-san!" he waved as he shut the door and ran back up the stairs with a pounding heart back to Yuki.

-
A/n: I changed my mind! I took out the kiss, it seemed way too harsh of Ryuichi. I don't know how IC this is for him, but he's struggling with his new...feelings.

Ahem, I have a fun story to share with any of you who read this fic, but first let me warn you: Don't try this at home. Learn from my stupidity. Well, today, it rained. Me, being the incredibly involved writer that I am (or maybe it was just a temporary Shuichi-ish bout of insanity) I decided to do something very stupid. Now, you know how police have to experience a taser shock before they can use it, pepper spray, that sort of thing? So they know the effect it has? Well, I decided to try the little situation I spun up at the end of Chapter 1, being of the mentality that a writer should, whenever possible, write what they know, so as to write more realistically. Now, I, at least (thankfully) had enough sense not to sleep outside in the rain. Anyway, I went down to a park near my house, found a bench, and sat down. I've done that before (sat on a wet bench) but that was by accident and I jumped up that time. This time, I didn't. So, after about 35 minutes or so of sitting outside, without a coat of any kind in the cold drippy rain, I was wet and freezing. Ahem, not the smartest thing I've ever done...

I think I have too much sympathy for Shuichi to do that to him anymore, as much as I love the drama of a character running out into driving rain. In the real world, it's not much fun. :sweatdrop:
REVIEWS: clarichan: Thanks, I'm trying to lighten the plot up a bit after all that angst! Hehe, glad to see

it's working.

Mischa Kitsune: It's been great talking to you on MSN, hehe, I much prefer that to just a rather one-sided reply here, ne? Thanks for the tip on the Weiss site, hehe. I'm thoroughly addicted to yet another series, hehe. Seki Tomokazu is just irresistable, I guess! Talk to you soon on MSN!

Kadzuki Fuchoin: Wow, thanks! Hehe, does its length play into your judgement? Well, I'm trying to write them longer, hehe. Hm, Yuki and Shuichi going at it in the backseat of K's jeep? I don't think he'd like that much! It'd be like the carcrash when Shuichi first informed him that he had a boyfriend, only a hundred times worse! Seki Tomokazu rules all! The guy is just incredible! Although I'm not sure if I have any chance with him...I'd probably have to get a sex change...:sigh: Nah.

Kitty in the Box: Yuki's being nice, yep. You're crying already?! Oh great, you're going to go through a box of tissues by the end of this fic, hopefully more. lol, sorry, I'm not saying that to be mean, just that there's gonna be a whole lot more angst. :sigh: I'll probably have to get some tissues myself while writing some of the parts!

izumi: hm, not yet, but, well, you'll see. I guess that'll depend on whether I decide Shuichi is gonna live or die. hehe

StrawberryPockyPoo: lol, I'm guilty of not writing for an entire summer too. For some reason, keeping busy makes me more productive; I guess it's the pressure! Hm, unrealistic? I know what you mean with the pairings, and thanks for the input, but I think that's more of a personal preference. Some people, me included, like a busy story. Personally, I don't think two pairings is too much. I think it adds more depth to the plot, sorry. And I think I like the direction the Hiro/Suguru thing is going so I'll keep it. Maybe you'll change your mind when you see how I'll tie it in to Yuki and Shu? lol, or not, hehe

StrawberryPockyPoo: lol, you're getting ahead of me. Chapter 13 cuts off there, but, as you see in this chapter, there was no lemon between Yuki and Shuichi, although I can't say for Hiro and Suguru, hehe. I don't think even Yuki is insensitive enough to have sex with Shuichi right after all that. And the dressing part, well, I sort of turned it into a funny little perverted scene and Yuki and Shu flirt a little, but dressing with only one arm is hard! I know from personal experience, although I didn't have Yuki to help me put on pants. :cough, lol: I hope I cleared up the misunderstanding, sorry about the confusion!

Black Mirror: Hm, the cancer thing is more going to be a background thing. It won't dominate the plot but it'll always be floating there affecting all the characters' actions. At least, it's supposed to be like that! Protective Yuki is nice, I think he's so sweet when he gets all flustered trying to be nice! It's adorable, even if it is a little OOC. lol

Wizard: Hehe, thank you. Personally, I am having lots of fun with Hiro and Suguru. Since the YuShu pairing is already established, it's fun to play with a new romance. Yep, jealous Ryu. It's a little cliche, but hey, that's okay. I'm hoping to write a more original jealous Ryu?? Maybe it'll work out, maybe not. But the pairing will stay YuShu, that's all I'll say.

mirai aria: hm, I guess, hehe. If I back myself into a corner, I could throw in something like that!

Hehe, it's a good idea, then at least Shuichi doesn't die!! Ack. Plot...hmmm...I would say PWP, but this doesn't have the requiste lemon, hehe.

snowkitten:lol, sure!

Haruko 4491: poor Shuichi and Yuki, yeah. But I'm trying to make up for it by throwing in more romancey stuff over the next couple of chapers...before I hit them with angst again, mauahaha!

magechick: Thank you, I'm glad you like the new length. I totally agree; a bastardly nice Yuki is great, hehe.

SilverHaze2: Hm, you'll have to wait a bit more for Yuki's reaction, sorry!! Thank you, I'm glad you like it!

Yay, review replies are my favorite part of the whole chapter! I love it when I get to do a ton of them, it's such a good opportunity to answer questions, clear up misconceptions, and just respond to you guys. I just love it!