This chapter is dedicated to two people, CassiToThestars and Max. Cassi, because not only is she an awesome writer in the Gravi fandom, but she also has a very steamy GacktxHyde lemon in the Moon Child area of Any fans of Jrock, Gackt, or Hyde, go check it out, because it's some seriously great writing that I can't even begin to praise. Even though it's technically not Gackt and Hyde (It's Sho and Kei). XD And the second dedictee is Max, because w00t goes to ANY guy who'll willingly watch Gravitation (and like it!). There is hope for humankind yet.
A/N: Plot is finally going to speed up because I'm aiming to finish this...sometime. Soon. Ehehehe...
Enjoy!
Disillusionment
Chapter 15-Sweet Nostalgia
soumanyon
Breakfast ended up being a silent affair. Shuichi didn't feel up to talking, with what had transpired in the park looming in his conscience. He snuck guilty glances up at his lover between bites of eggs, even though nothing had really happened.
Yuki was more than aware of Shuichi's fascination with him that morning but dismissed it. Despite all his attempts to suppress the urge, the man wanted to openly stare, just as the pink-haired vocalist was doing. He'd come so close to losing Shuichi that, try as he did to maintain his usual sangfroid, he couldn't deny that a sizeable piece of his shell had been chipped away by the near-death experience, understandably.
After they finished, Yuki began to wordlessly clean up the dishes while Shuichi fidgeted in his seat.
"Talk." Yuki called from the kitchen, startling Shuichi,
"Huh?" he blinked, "Wh-what are you talking about, Yuki?"
With a snort, Yuki dropped the last of the dishes into the sink and headed over to the couch where he draped himself carelessly on the black leather.
"Something's bothering you." Shuichi's attempts at a clueless expression failed miserably, "What is it?"
"Well…" Shuichi muttered, tracing patterns on the dining table, "I was thinking about…going into work today."
There was a long enough silence that Shuichi snuck a glance over his shoulder at the couch,
"Go." A click of a cigarette lighter cap being flipped open, "Whatever, I don't care."
Smoke drifted up from the cigarette held between slender fingers as Yuki leaned his head back on the couch and released the breath of smoke. A wafting tendril finally found its way over to the dining room and promptly set Shuichi off in coughs again.
With a small pained smile that came nowhere near its usual brilliance, Shuichi gave his lover a one-sided hug before grabbing his bag and running off to work.
When he arrived, he was later than usual, but no one was expecting him. It was quite obvious in how the lobby secretaries stopped chattering as soon as they saw his pink head coming in the doors. The stares were unnerving. They weren't the usual worshipping, devouring stares. They were much more uncomfortable, if such a thing was possible.
Shuichi ended up taking the stairs over waiting for the elevator.
By the time he reached the floor where Bad Luck's studios were located, he was panting heavily. But it was a nice feeling to be back in the corridor where doors led off into rooms where some of the most talented musicians in all of Japan made music. It was comfortingly familiar.
Poking his head into the lounge that they often occupied, Shuichi realized that it was empty. Shrugging, he tried the recording studio next, but it was silent. Last, he went into the work room. Dropping his bag next to the keyboard in the corner that he had claimed as 'his', Shuichi absently played the first few notes of the melody of No Style. Humming along, he had just started to get really into the music when the door slammed open with enough force to bounce off the wall.
"Sakano-san!" Shuichi called cheerfully, waving with his free hand.
"Shindou!" the producer screeched, "What are you doing here?"
"Well…" Shuichi said, standing up, his head cocked to the side, "I'm here for work?"
"What he means," the American side-stepped Sakano, who was still standing in the doorway, "is, why are you here when you should be at home?"
"Resting! In bed!" Sakano added angrily. K wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at Shuichi, who blushed furiously, to K's obvious amusement.
"Well, I was." Shuichi said slowly, "but I'm fine now. Back to work, right?"
Sakano blinked. Since when had his vocalist shown initiative? Usually he had to be dragged kicking and screaming from his hidey-hole apartment with Yuki by a certain gun-wielding American doling out generous amounts of death threats along the way.
"Why, yes! Of course, Shindou is right."
"No, he's not." K's voice was low and dangerous. His eyes, flashing with anger met and held Sakano's for only a moment before the other man looked away. It was obviously something that had been debated over recently.
"What's going on, guys?" Shuichi asked, curious about whatever disagreement the two were in now.
"Mr. President," Sakano began, with a fearful glance at K, "would like to proceed with the concert and release of the new CD on schedule."
K interrupted, voice still calm and even, "In other words, no delays. Do or die."
Commendably, Shuichi didn't wince at the intentional wording. K was obviously still worried over him, with reason. But, Shuichi thought, not for the right reason. His heart sank as he realized that he'd have to tell them sooner or later. It wouldn't be long before he couldn't sing up to his usual standards, and then they'd question him. He'd rather they found out directly from him. Sooner or later, but he'd much rather later.
"No problem!" he flashed a victory sign at them with a grin, "Let's get to work then!"
Fujisaki Suguru groaned as he let his head fall to his knees, which were pulled to his chest as he sat against the headboard of his bandmate's bed. The wrinkled white sheets covered him but the room still felt incredibly cold. Still, it was warmer than it had been, after their little conversation.
The previous night had been the best sex he'd ever had. Granted, it was the only sex he'd ever had, but that made it all the more special. Hiro had been wonderful, so much better than any of his wildest wet dreams about the guitarist. There truly was no comparison to the real thing.
But then the aftermath had invariably drifted down to the thing that always loomed over Hiro's mind, Shuichi. Hiro loved his best friend more than anything in the world, so it was only right that he should be concerned. But as insensitive as it would seem, Suguru really wished Hiro could have worried at a time when he wasn't so distracted by afterglow and the beauty of the naked man spooning him.
So he'd accidentally mentioned to Hiro that he had told Tohma and K about Shuichi's cancer.
He had no idea that Hiro would react the way he did. He also had no idea that Hiro detested Tohma, his cousin, so much. Understandably, Tohma was despicable to his enemies, but one had to be a little cutthroat in the music industry. There was no surviving otherwise, which was why to survive, hyperactive innocent stars like Sakuma and Shindou had to have managers and producers doubly ruthless, to make up for their naivety.
Hiro seemed to think that Suguru had betrayed the trust that he'd be allowed in, when he followed Hiro into Shuichi hospital room when his illness was revealed. Of course, there had never been any spoken agreement, or any at all, so Suguru thought. But Hiro thought differently.
And that was how the soft morning-after of Suguru's loss of virginity turned into the current situation, with the teenager sitting on Hiro's bed, still naked, while the guitarist spent too much time in the shower. There was no way washing hair could take that long. Suguru suspected that Hiro was avoiding him, which hurt.
How could such wonderful love-making turn into his new lover ignoring him? It wasn't fair. Hiro was supposed to love him, not just lust after him. It seemed as if his fantasy of his love being reciprocated had turned into a one-night-stand, something that was… somehow worse than before. At least before, he still had hope of winning Hiro's love. Now it seemed like that would never happen.
Suguru pulled the sheet tighter around himself, feeling strangely used… and, he thought as his eyes began to burn, the feelings had been caused by the person he loved.
Shuichi sat in a large comfy chair in one of NG's small practice rooms with a notebook in his lap.
No one expected that he'd return to work so soon. Hiro and Suguru were MIA, but Shuichi had begged Sakano not to call them in, insisting that it'd be a good time for a break for them since he could work on lyrics for the last single in the album. Sakano had agreed, after only a little persuasion from K, whose guns were, surprisingly missing. When Shuichi had questioned him about his missing holsters, K had simply shook his head and laughed hollowly, before clapping him on the back and walking away, still laughing.
Shuichi stared blankly down at the equally blank paper. It was covered with doodles, but unfortunately no words or lyrics, just like Shuichi's head. Frustrated, he flipped the page to start fresh but was met with indentations all over the paper that echoed his previous doodles. Growling, he flipped to a random page in book… and found a little doodle that was done with more care than the others. It also far surpassed the others in skill.
It was a picture of a little bird. Shuichi blinked before he checked the cover of the notebook, wondering how he'd come across such an old one.
The rough little sketch had been drawn by Hiro a long time ago, when they were still in elementary school. It was before Hiro had even picked up a guitar. One day he had been over at Hiro house and they were sprawled out in his yard after a long, exhausting game of tag. Shuichi had never been one for board games.
As they laid there panting and trying to catch their breaths, a little bird had flown down from somewhere among the branches of the huge silver maple in a corner of the yard and landed on the grass next to Shuichi. He'd been amazed by the bird and held his breath, trying not to scare it away.
It hopped curiously towards the pink-haired boy, cocking its head and staring at him with bright black eyes. Shuichi was getting red from holding his breath but wasn't going to give up, not when the bird was so close.
Then Hiro's brother ran in the yard shouting and waving his arms and the little bird, terrified of the loud, obnoxious new arrival, took off. It had been so close that Shuichi could feel the wind from its wings as it fled.
Shuichi, being an even bigger crybaby when he was younger, burst into tears and yelled at Hiro's brother to 'make the birdie come back!' Obviously, that didn't happen.
Shuichi moped the rest of the day and even the next day at school. When he was still depressed the day after, Hiro finally grabbed his notebook in class and sketched a little bird for him, whispering that it came back. Shuichi took one look at the bird, which looked nothing like the bird in the yard because it had been drawn by a third grader, and burst into tears, jumping up in the middle of class to hug his best friend. The teacher had been confused, but knew better than to question little Shuichi-kun's random actions.
Smiling at the memory, Shuichi flipped to a blank page and stared at it, once again coming up against a block. Memories of happier days only led him to remember that they were gone now and, in a few months, they'd been gone forever. Sighing, Shuichi began to move his pencil on the paper, almost unconsciously.
As his pencil skimmed over the paper, so his mind skipped over thoughts. The cancer, Yuki, the CD, Yuki, the concert, the deadline, Yuki, losing…Yuki.
Blushing with embarrassment that helped him to deny his fear, he looked down at the paper, really looking at his drawing for the first time.
It was a crude sketch, hardly better than Hiro's from third grade. Still, you could easily make it out to be a bird. The slender little bird flew among clouds, spiraling upwards and onwards. Beyond it, you could see the path ahead of it, a long expanse of ocean but the glimmer of something existed far ahead on the horizon that beckoned to it, enticing it. The little bird looked a little worse for wear, but it seemed determined to cross it.
Staring at the drawing, Shuichi scribbled a few lines below it, suddenly inspired.
"flying to the sky"
"I'll cross that distant ocean"
Then he read over the words that he'd written, ripped the page out of the notebook and crushed it uneasily. He shot it at the trash can, but missed. He didn't bother to get up and throw it away, too busy thinking over the words that he'd written, which sounded too absolute and too dramatic, too final. The idea was discarded and he was left with yet another blank page as he decided to get a start on the other single.
He'd lied a bit, telling Sakano that there was only one more single to write. But what was the harm in letting the man calm down a little, no doubt he'd suffer a nervous breakdown if Shuichi told him that two of the three singles on the new CD weren't even written yet.
This time, Shuichi's thoughts drifted to Yuki where they stayed a little before skipping through the past and future. He was a jolted a little when he realized that these would be his last two songs. He had decided against trying any desperate medical procedures that might or might not lengthen the amount of time he had left. It wasn't worth it, in the end, to suffer a surgery that might add five days to his life, or take some away. He didn't want to spend his last moments in a hospital bed. There wasn't any better place than Yuki's apartment.
Coming up with a sudden idea, although he'd have to ask Ryuichi later, Shuichi began to write. Instead of his usual scribble, the lines were carefully thought over and he paused before every single one as he once again poured his heart out through his lyrics.
Finally stopping when writer's block abruptly kicked in, Shuichi held his notebook with trembling fingers as he read over the lyrics that he'd written. Tears were flowing down his face and spotting the paper, but he didn't try to wipe them away. The song he'd written felt too delicate to withstand anything and he had to protect it, as if it'd fade away if he let go of it.
He suddenly didn't want to share it with his millions of fans. It was a fragile song, one that could easily be broken by the harsh criticism that any creative work stood open to, and he didn't want his precious song to be broken.
As he read through his words with blurry eyes, pausing only at a line that he didn't even remember writing. Actually, his memory of writing the song seemed to be gone, like a gap that shouldn't have been there, but he had no recollection of writing these two lines at all, as if his subconscious was trying to tell him something.
"But I'm sure you won't notice And I know that those feelings can't possibly reach you from here."
Such simple words, but they opened a floodgate of guilt that crashed into him.
Yuki. He hadn't told Yuki yet, and he hadn't thought at all, not seriously, about telling Yuki anytime soon about his cancer. Closing the notebook and standing up on shaky legs, Shuichi dropped it on his chair as he wiped as his eyes with his sleeves. Yuki. Yuki, Yuki, Yuki.
Tohma sat in his big leather chair, spinning from side to side idly as he twirled his pen around in his long slender fingers. The view of his office wasn't offering any answers to his predicament, so he spun around to face Tokyo through the ceiling to floor windows behind him. They didn't offer much consolation either.
Spinning back around with a sigh, he dropped the pen and rested his elbows on the desk, chin resting on his hands. His eyes drifted over his desk, glass paperweight over a large stack of paper that he hadn't even started on, a little bonsai with a sand garden in the pot.
The blond let his eyes drop for a moment; sand patterns weren't helping. The trickling little fountain didn't help either with finding some much needed tranquility. So many things were coming together all at once and there was no where to turn for help. Tohma didn't trust anyone, especially not with his private affairs but it did make managing such a full life difficult.
Rubbing at his eyes helped relieve the pressure behind them a little, but it lingered, a background pain that he'd long gotten used to. He found solace from the sunlight behind elegant floor-to-cieling curtains and, checking to make sure the door to his office was locked, pillowed his head down in his arms as he forced himself to make a decision.
In the end, he knew what he needed to do. In some ways, it'd help him find peace, but he knew that at the same time his conscience would wage a bitter war against his mind. Still, it would turn out to the best choice, somehow.
With a heavy sigh, he picked up his phone, dialing a quick series of numbers and waited as the phone on the other side rang. At least he didn't have to make an effort at putting weariness in his voice, it was always there, usually covered up with a smile.
The person on the other side of the line picked up and Tohma closed his eyes as he began the dreaded conversation,
"Hello, Eiri."
A/n: Oh yes, the cliffhanger I've been waiting for for so long now. And soon we'll get to the part that I've wanted to write for a year and a half now. Can't wait! Tell me what you think! Any guesses as to where the story is going to go from here? Guess on what is going to happen between poor Suguru and Hiro? Pie to those guess right! XD
REVIEW replies:
Inari Ichigo: Understandable, Chapter 9 made me a little queasy and depressed writing it and I haven't gone back and reread it since I posted it. It kinda scares me, especially the fact that I wrote it. I can definitely understand your not wanting to read it! On the other hand, no offence meant, but I took it as a compliment that my fic made you depressed so much that your friends noticed! XD That made me happy the rest of the day, really! We'll see about the ending. I'm a sucker for happy endings but I oh-so-love angst. Still, not really sure if I want to turn this into a deathfic but I might have written myself into a corner! We'll just have to see!
thegangofgravity: We'll see how the Ryu/Shu thing goes, but remember, I've mentioned the main pairing of this fic, and it will be YuShu. So don't worry too much, Ryu's just in there to spice things up a little. Yuki needs to learn to cherish what he has.
Mourghan: Eh, the plot was going a little slow so I decided to speed things up. And I couldn't figure out a good way for Yuki to find out! But I can assure that Yuki is finding out next chapter. Finally. XD
suggy-chan: So hard to find fics that even have Suguru in them so you can bet I'll definitely continue with this little side pairing! They're so cute together! I'm glad you like them too
Starlit-Knight: Hehe, it's so cool that you found me from a favorites list! hehe, makes me feel special. I'm glad you like it! hehe, hope you still like it!
Shirubaa Kitsune: Here's HiroxSuguru! I'm glad those two have some fans, hehe. I like the pairing myself. Yes, Suguru's much better for Hiro than Ayaka, isn't he? Besides, it's shounen-ai manga, Hiro needs a guy. XD
SilverHaze2: edge of chair isn't good place to be, hehe, don't wanna fall off like me!
Haruko 4491: Nope, didn't get sick amazingly, hehe. Ryu and Shu pairing is surprising? Really? lol, with their similarities, I'd always thought there was the possibility of something between them.
Rubber Duck: wow, your incredibly long review made me very happy! Hehe, long reviews on the BEST! Sakano-like levels of stress? Wow, that's a achievement that any fic writer can be proud of. I have no idea how many chapters this fic's gonna run. I'm insanely jealous of those people who can outline an entire story and follow that outline, I never could. As for your cc, well, yes, nurses usually are qualified to examine x-rays, at least, any respectable nurse. Nurses are too underestimated and undervalued. As for breaking the news, I'm not sure. The technical stuff can all be blamed on my own laziness. My dad is a doctor and my mom is a nurse, so if I was a better writer, I'd ask them and know that, say, cauterization is actually fairly routine and throw in technical terms. But I'm not such a dedicated writer as to go up to my mom and ask her how fast it'd take to bleed out if someone tried to commit suicide by cutting. That'd get me into counseling pretty fast. XD And since I decided not to rewrite this fic and leave it as is for sentimental purposes (refer to the title of this chapter, lol) I'll just leave the mistakes. lol, er, in other words I'm lazy. But just for your sake, I'll try to get some real medical info for later use. :)
bLaCkFaia-nEkO: Shuichi...hehe, isn't that the big question? Well, we'll have to see, won't we? Er, actually I've already decided but you guys, the readers, won't know for a while. Don't wanna give away the story!
fallenangels1311: I wouldn't say readers everywhere, but I'm happy if I can depress even one person! XD
: And it contines still, happy-happy-dance.
thegangofgravity: (review for ch. 13) owning Yuki? lol, sure, if you want Shuichi to come after you in a murderous rage! hehehe, I wouldn't risk it.
clari chan: I like Ryu/Shu, just not when Yuki's in the picture. If that makes any sense at all. lol, yeah, I originally planned for a kiss, but then thought that it'd be going overboard. I'm glad you agreed! And the bathroom scene was just some sort of twisted humor combined with Yuki's fear that Shuichi would try to kill himself again. A serious-turned-stupid situation, I guess. XD
Lara: Shuichi's bitch shirt? lol, I'd tell you what book it's in, but I can't remember. It's in the manga and yes, it does say 'bitch' on it. My friend Amy originally pointed it out to me and I thought it was hilarious, one of Murakami-san's little touches. See if you can find it. It's in the manga, I'm not sure if it appears in the anime. The writing is pretty small, it's on a plain-ish, long shirt on the part in the top right corner where you usually find a little logo or something on shirts.
Kitty in the Box: Nope, Shu won't talk. But, as you can probably see by the end of this chapter, it seems like he won't have to... hehe, I'm getting tired of blood, no more blood. (er, we'll see how long that lasts) Yep, bad Ryu-chan! Uh oh definitely in store...
Megamie: Hehe, I'm evil. Hiro and Suguru's relationship has officially gone beyond cute into...wtf! lol, I'm glad you're interested in what's going on between those two!
Mischa Kitsune: Yes yes, it tends to be that I'm very busy online. T-T We never get to talk anymore! Llama:gasp: I have a new obsession with llamas, did you know that? Yes. It all started when my sister told me that llama in spanish would be 'yama'. o.o; Ryu and Shu will be interesting, but just for a little bit, hehe, don't get too attached to it, main pairing will stay YuShu, definitely.
Suki: That's the burning question, isn't it? Well, can't give away the story, keep reading!
Kadzuki Fuchoin: lol, I'm hoping it is, I think I like this new style better too, even if the longer chappies make my fingers hurt. O.O; You wish you could write like me! Whoa, hold one. Flip the Me's and You's and then you've got a true statement. Do NOT underestimate your own writing like that! Speaking of your own writing, when are you going to update already! Soon? Please soon? The title of your fic is completely true, I'm totally addicted to Shu-chan. Now update, before I go into Shu-withdrawal! Heehee:grins at Ryu's line: I'm really wondering HOW Shu resisted him. If Ryuichi Sakuma asked me...well... XD (ignore the fact that he's a fictional character) Seiyuus, er, probably. But Seki Tomokazu is definitely my top fave. Kappei Yamaguchi is up there too because he is insanely talented. I mean, Ryuichi Sakura (especially the 'pika' part on DVD 4), Inuyasha, Ranma, and Jin from Yu Yu Hakusho. How does he do it!
I rant much...
At the risk of sounding like an annoying idiot, I have to say that it makes me insanely happy when my favorite fanfic writers actually come to read and review my fics. :) Till next time!