Heroes for Hire – A scathing satire of the world today.
If you're wondering, I had this done within a week of the deletion, but then my computer broke. Literally. Smoke started coming out of it, and the power supply and motherboard got trashed. So, I went, got a cheap 1GHZ computer, which is sadly still the best computer I've ever owned, and realized that some twat had glued the cards into the machine so I couldn't add my own hardware without risking the inside bits. So, I was going about my business, all ready to upload, when I discovered a 1994 classic by the name of System Shock. System Shock is very picky as to what operating systems it will run in. Currently, it is compatible with DOS, DOS, and DOS. Therefore, what did I install? Of course, what I failed to remember in my eagerness to install the game is that all my computer's settings were based around it only having two OS's. So, when I installed DOS, I played System Shock, which is a totally kickarse game, and then went to return to Windows 2000. It didn't work. Not to be deterred, I grabbed my trusty USB Flash Memory Device, and promptly realized that it couldn't be compatible with DOS. My other operating system, WIN98, still worked, although most of its video settings were broken. Of course, the USBFMD didn't work there either. I had to rummage for several hours through my old CD'S, find Windows 2000 install, realize it couldn't be repaired with the OS Repair, and had to reinstall, only to realize that it then didn't work with anything, even the internet. At least my USBFMD worked, though, so I picked it up off the computer last night and voila!
Oh, and if you don't like the way I write it now, and think I should go back to minimalist narration and let the characters do the talking again, I'm fine with that. Saying "The Scene is Sauria. Two Arwings touch down, and Fox and Krystal hopped out." rather than all that drivel in between works just as well. I'm just trying to add to the humor with senseless stupidity from the narrator. Also, tell me about any problems with the past/present tenses, because I'm very used to writing in the present tense for this story. Should I keep writing like that, or does past tense sound better?For those who read the first version of episode 4, which did you like better? Include that in yourreview! And for those of you who liked the new, barely developed as yet character of Kratos, he's not here. And he only gets a brief part in the end of the next episode. Cry. Yeah, that's right. But don't worry, I'll always have my wacky sense of humor!
Fox: Wacky isn't the word for it.
Quiet, you! We'll start the disclaimer while I deal with you!
Fox: Not the cattle prod!
Disclaimer: My noodles are blue.
Falco: Um, don't you mean, "I don't own anything?"
The Author: (Gets cattle prod) I don't own anything. Now, Falco...
Falco: (Screams like a little girl)
Episode Four: Trouble on Dinosaur Planet
The scene is outer space. Big, majestic, rather boring perhaps, but with a bit of lens flare from Solar. Suddenly, two Arwings rocket by. One of them is out of control, firing wildly.
"WHEE!" yelled Krystal. "BLAM! BOOM! KABLAZMO!"
Fox sighed. "Maybe teaching Krystal to fly an Arwing wasn't such a good idea..."
While Fox was contemplating the logic of giving a girl he just met about three days ago the use of a flying death machine, he heard Slippy's voice cut in over the radio.
"Fox! You have to go to Sauria! The dinosaurs just sent us a distress call!"
"Slippy, this is Tricky we're talking about. I don't think I really care."
Peppy cut in, obviously livid from Fox's apparent apathy. "If you don't go and save those dinosaurs right now..."
"Peppy, there is no way you can convince me to save Tricky."
"What's that about Tricky? He's so cute! Fox, we have to go see him again!" Krystal said, falling into formation beside Fox's Arwing.
"I hate you all..." said Fox, turning his Arwing in the direction of Sauria."I hate you all so much..."
The scene is Sauria. If you've ever seen it, you'll know what I'm talking about. Beautiful, unspoiled wilderness. An odd lack of dinosaurs for the so-called "Dinosaur Planet", to be sure, but since when have I been known for my paying attention to petty details? Two Arwings touched down, just in front of the majestic ruins that I was forced to look at for several hours during Assault. Fox and Krystal hopped out, and walked around.
"Where are all the dinosaurs?" murmured Krystal, looking around uneasily as she adjusted her uniform.
"I don't know. Maybe we should l-" Fox was cut off by the sudden arrival of a white armored Star Wars stormtrooper.
"Halt!" yelled the trooper loudly, obviously trying to impress his supervisors with his "Halt yelling voice". "Where's your identification number?"
"This is a free planet, we don't need ID, do we?" asked Fox, looking quizzically at the trooper, obviously oblivious as to what was going on.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask my supervisor." The stormtrooper pushed a button on his radio set and began talking. "Yeah. We found a couple of foxes down in sector alpha. Right, you're sending along an officer? Right. Yeah." Switching off his set, he turned to Fox. "Wait a second. They're sending someone." He sat down on a rock and added, as an afterthought: "And don't move anywhere!" He waved his blaster about to emphasize the point, then pulled out a Gameboy and started playing Mario. Several minutes later, a stormtrooper with a little medal walked up, while the other stood to attention.
"These the foxes?"
"Yes, Sir!"
Fox leaned over to Krystal and whispered to her. "Don't tell them anything. Act stupid."
The officer trooper turned towards our heroes. "What are your identification numbers?"
"Numbers?" said Krystal. "I can count to ten! Whee!" She began running about in circles for no apparent reason.
"Not that stupid!" Fox urgently hissed.
"Would you like me to explain the theory of relativity to you, most esteemed gentleman?"
"Dumber!"
"Cookies tasty."
"Good enough."
"Well then, if you don't have numbers..." said the officer, raising his weapon, then we're going to have to take you in for questioning."
"Gentlemen, there is one important detail you have forgotten." said Fox, grinning. "I've been playing Metal Gear Solid 3 lately! CQC!"
Fox rushed the officer, throwing him at the ground as hard as possible. Pulling a knife from its sheath, he ran towards the other one, stabbing the knife downwards.
Plink. Not a good sound to hear on the best of days. The knife bounced uselessly off of the trooper's armor. The trooper threw a punch at Fox, knocking him down, dazed. Then the stormtrooper pulled out his blaster and began firing at Krystal, who dove behind the nearest tree, pulling out her blaster and gunning down the first one as Fox got up. However, the sound of gunfire had attracted more of the guards, who immediately rushed into the ruins, all guns blazing. A stray shot hit Krystal, who gasped with pain as she fell to the ground.
"Krystal! I'll save you!" Fox yelled, rushing towards her. Then, as several shots barely missed him, he began running back towards his Arwing. "I hope Tuesday's good for you!" he yelled back as the Arwing took off.
Back on the ship, Fox had called a meeting. The team, minus Krystal of course, now sat in the briefing room, a large room just off Great Fox's bridge, which had its own cappuccino maker. Oh, and a massive computer terminal that covered the entire left wall, but no one cares about that. Cappuccino forever! Back on topic, Fox called a meeting, team came, and at the point at which my rantings stop, Fox is discussing a plan, largely based around the time he played Metal Gear Solid 3.
"Right, then." Fox said, pressing a button on the table, causing a crudely drawn picture of Fox wearing a bandanna to pop up on the screen. "This is me." He pressed another button, and using a stylus, drew a big house next to his badly drawn personage in MS Paint. "That's where they're holding Krystal. And this," he added, switching to another picture, "is the plan."
And what a plan it was! Well, actually it was just more MS Paint drawings of Solid Sn- I mean Fox stabbing people with knives and various pointed objects, and ending with Krystal hugging Fox and little hearts floating everywhere around them. All badly done of course.
"Um... Fox?" Peppy piped up. "That's not going to work."
"What do you mean?"
"There's no strategy to it. You basically have drawings of you stabbing random things with knives."
"I don't follow."
"You can't rush an armed fortress with only a knife."
"Fine. I'll bring camo and some face paint."
"No, I mean they have guard patrols around 24/7. There's no way you could get past them unless you could fit in a 2 ¼ inch space in the ventilation system or distracted them somehow."
"If only we had someone expendable here to distract the guards!" said Slippy.
As if on cue, everyone turned to look at Slippy.
"Oh, sure. Twist my words. I hate you all."
The scene cuts to Sauria, on the surface, in the middle of a jungle. Fox parachuted in from an Arwing flown by Falco, and he touched down safely. Pulling out his blaster, he switched on his radio and knelt down. A Metal Gear Codec screen popped up, with the frequency 140.85. Peppy's face popped up an the left hand side.
"Fox. I see you landed safely. We need to refer to each other by codenames from now on, in case someone is listening in. You be..."
"Snake?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of "Cheese" but hey, it works."
"Woo!" Fox yelled as he tied a bandanna around his head. "How about you?"
"I'll be "Major Fish" after my favorite game of all time."
"Weird, but okay. What are we calling the operation? It needs a cool name."
"How about Operation Barney Eater?"
"Stop reading ahead in the script. We're not supposed to know about him yet."
"All right, fine. We'll call it Operation Fox Rescue. Happy?"
"Reasonably. Commencing Operation Fox Rescue."
"All right. Peppy out."
The Codec screen cut out, and Fox stood up. Holding his knife and blaster simultaneously, he crept forward, looking for enemies. He spotted a flash of white armor, and immediately hid behind a tree. Screwing a silencer to his blaster, he took careful aim and fired at the trooper, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, this earned the attention of a nearby guard, who, hearing his death scream, came around and stared at the corpse. Pulling out his radio, he began talking.
"HQ? HQ? Requesting b- AGH!" he screamed as a bolt went through his skull.
"Heh heh..." Fox chuckled to himself, until the radio barked again.
"What's going on? Respond? Sending backup team to check it out."
"Oh, shit." Fox said as the words "Caution" "99.9" appeared in a little box on his wrist computer. Tense music began playing as troops filed into the area. He attempted to hide behind a tree. However, he was quickly spotted and the word "Caution" changed to "Alert" as a guard yelled "Who's that?"
Fox pelted through the jungle, blasting randomly at his pursuers, and laughing maniacally as he went. He'd been waiting all day to kill something, and now he'd started, he wasn't going to stop. Of course, until something stopped him. He ran right out into the open clearing near the tower he was sneaking into. Of course, more men ran out of the tower and pointed guns at him immediately. Fox put his hands up slowly.
Then quite suddenly, he dove towards the ground, firing wildly at the nearest troops. Rolling out of the laser fire that peppered the ground where he had stood a second before, he ducked behind a supply crate and peeked out. Several shots quickly forced him back into hiding. He knelt down and switched on his radio.
"Snake?" Peppy's voice came in from his earphone. "You let them see you, didn't you?"
"Um... yeah."
"Stupid idiot. This is a SNEAKING mission. Emphasis on the sneaking."
"What can I say? I like to shoot things!"
"As much as I can identify with that, it is my duty as your senile commander to chastise you."
"All right. Before you start, what should I do?"
"I don't know. You're pinned down, low on ammo, and with no hope of backup. You either hope to god that the Author is good with a controller or that he doesn't mind using the "Continue" button too much."
"Peppy, what have we told you about the fourth wall?"
"Fun to play with, not to break."
"Exactly."
Fox switched off his radio, loaded another battery pack into his blaster, and dove around the corner, shooting at anything that moved. Then, when his gun was empty, he threw it to the ground and pulled out a knife. He then heroically charged towards the entrance of the tower.
Of course, that sort of stupidity only works in the movies. He was promptly gunned down by machine gun fire from the many guards lying in wait at the entrance.
FOX IS DEAD
-Continue-Exit
Fox still had something up his sleeve, though, He selected "Continue" and the world reloaded around him. He walked into the clearing again, this time without an alert and thousands of soldiers chasing him. However, the area was wide open. There was no way he could get to the entrance without being seen. He switched on his radio, and said four simple words.
"Major, deploy the frog."
Slippy came rocketing down from high above with no parachute, and hit the ground at a sickening speed.
SLIPPY IS DEAD
-Continue-Exit
As much as Fox didn't want to resurrect Slippy, Krystal was at stake here. He hit continue. The world reloaded, and Fox switched on his radio, saying ten simple words.
"Major, deploy the frog. And remember the parachute this time."
This time, Slippy flew towards the ground, and pulled his parachute at the last possible second, hitting the ground majestically. The guards all simultaneously turned and looked, raising their weapons. Slippy screamed like a girl and pelted through the jungle, every outside guard in tow.
"This is too easy..." thought Fox as he ran into the now unprotected tower.
Meanwhile, in Krystal's cell, Krystal sat on the bench, looking out the window. The door slid open, and Krystal saw Slippy being thrown in.
"Slippy?" she said incredulously.
"Sh'up and get me some antiseptic." answered Slippy, wrapping a bandage around his leg. "Help is on the way. Fox is looking for you downstairs somewhere. Falco's on air support too, he's going to parachute onto the roof in a second."
"Slippy, this entire prison is the roof. If he co-"
There was a loud 'CRUNCH' as Falco fell through the roof. Picking himself up off the ground, he looked around.
"Mission accomplished! Consider yourselves rescued by the great Falco!" he announced, striding towards the door. When he found it wouldn't open, he sat down dejectedly. "Well, at least I'm stuck in here with a hot girl..."
"And me!" Slippy said loudly, sitting down next to Falco. "You know I have lots of great things to talk about? Like how I..."
"NO! LET ME OUT!" Falco screamed, pounding on the door.
"Wish granted!" said Fox, shooting out the lock and ushering them all out into the hall.
The reunited team rushed through the hallways, looking for the main stairwell. This went on for several hours, until everyone realized that they were lost. Slippy, in a burst of what he thought was inspiration, went and asked a stormtrooper for directions. Everyone was promptly thrown back in jail.
"Slippy, you idiot!" yelled Krystal. "We were almost out, and what did you go and do?"
"At least he helped us retrace our steps!"
"Ugh. You moron!"
Fox forced them to stop bickering and sit down, just as the door opened and a guard came in.
"The Emperor will see you now." the guard said, ushering them out into the hall.
Fox and company were thrown into a throne room somewhere near the middle of the tower. It was ornately decorated, with colorful wall hangings and stained glass windows. Obviously the home of an evil maniac with lots of money. The person sitting in the throne looked up, and seeing who had been thrown in, stood and walked out of the shadows, revealing him to be BARNEY THE EVIL PURPLE DINOSAUR!
"You!" said Fox, staring in disbelief. "The destroyer of thousands of children's brains. What do you want?"
"If I told you that, I'd have to kill you. That's conveniently what I'm going to be doing anyway, so, as per Evil Villain Regulations, Section B, Paragraph 17, I shall now reveal my entire evil plan in its entire entirety! Entirely!"
"We get the point. Get on with it." said Krystal impatiently.
"Oh, fine. Ruin my fun. Ahem. Sauria, Dinosaur Planet, whatever you choose to call it, has potential. POTENTIAL FOR EVIL! So, since exploiting evil is what I do best, I have captured the Krazoa Spirits, and am forcing them to use their powers to do my bidding! The pathetic dinosaurs who live here tried to stop me. I imprisoned them to stop their efforts. Then I imprisoned you, so now no one can stop me from taking over the universe!"
"You really are evil..." said Fox.
"That I am. Too bad you won't be around to see just how much! GUARDS? THROW THEM INTO... THE PIT OF DOOM!"
"Um... sir?"
"Yes, nameless guard #284?"
"We don't have a Pit of Doom."
"Well then throw them into the next best thing."
"Ah. The Pit of Ravenous Chickens. You have impeccable taste, sir."
As our heroes were led off, Barney laughed maniacally. "BWAHAHAHA! I leave for the Krazoa Palace! Happy dying, Star Fox!"
"Ooh, we get to die happy?" said Slippy, jumping up and down with glee.
Fox hit him in the head, and he went quiet.
"Over you go!" said Nameless Guard #418, as he pushed them into the pit.
They landed with an audible thump. Fox was on his feet in a flash, scanning the pit for any signs of danger. All he saw were three chickens. The first chicken, hereafter referred to as Chicken #1, spoke.
"Sorry, old chap, but we're going to have to kill you now. You see, we're the ravenous chickens."
"Yeah! EAT THEIR STILL BEATING HEARTS!" added the cleverly named Chicken #2.
"Hi." put in Chicken #3.
"That is ever so uncouth, Chicken #2, wouldn't you say so, Chicken #3?"
"Hi."
"AND THEN? AND THEN I'LL TEAR THEIR LUNGS OUT, AND PEE ON THEIR STILL WARM BODIES!"
"Good God!" yelled the horrified Chicken #1.
"AND THEN? THEN I'LL TAKE THE GIRL, RIP OUT HER KIDNEYS, AND SHOVE THEM UP HER BUTT WITH A SCREWDRIVER LIKE THIS!" cried Chicken #2, grabbing Chicken #1 to demonstrate. Krystal looked on in shock at what was supposedly going to be done to her, and passed out. So did Falco. Peppy, who appeared out of a plothole, saved the day just in time.
"In my day, we did it like THIS!" yelled the old hare, picking up Chicken #3 and engaging in a series of bone cruching maneuvers that would make a chicken cry. Conveniently, that was exactly what they did.
" I think I love you." Chicken #2 said, looking at Peppy in obvious admiration.
"Good job, Peppy. Slippy, wake up Falco and Krystal. Peppy, keep him busy. I'll bust us out." Fox said, grinning as his plan took shape. He looked up and called to Nameless Guard #183, who was situated just above. "We're dead now! You can take our bodies!"
This was the part of the job that Nameless Guard #183 really loved for some reason that only he knew. His gleeful reverie at being able to grab dead bodies and hoist them out of pits was cut annoyingly short, however, by the sudden unconsciousness caused by the impact of a rock wielded by a very pissed off fox. Now liberated, the team sped down the hallway towards the main entrance.
Barney laughed evilly as he screwed the last Krazoa Spirit containing jar shut. "Not so cocky now, are we?" he chortled at the incarcerated Krazoa.
"Bite me." the Krazoa snarled.
Then, a single Arwing landed, and the entire Star Fox team piled out of it.
"Why couldn't we all take different Arwings?" groaned Peppy, collapsing onto the ground.
"It was a..." Slippy started to say.
"Let me guess. A plothole." Peppy responded.
"AUGH! HE READS MINDS!" screamed Slippy, running around in circles.
"Ah, so the Star Fox team and its trained frog has arrived. No matter. I shall kill you all!" yelled Barney, igniting a Super Advanced Special Effects Blade. (Glorified Lightsaber.)
Fox and Falco pulled out their blaster pistols and leveled them at Barney. He easily deflected their shots, and Fox was forced to retreat. Krystal pulled out her staff from wherever it was she kept it, and stepped forward, beginning a deadly duel with the evil overlord. The two combatants fought all the way from one end to the other. A small bridge led out into nothingness for no apparent reason, and Krystal was slowly being pushed back onto it. Just as she appeared to be making a comeback, Barney came in low with his saber and sliced her hand right off. It fell to the ground, still clutching her staff.
"OW! Dammit! That frigging hurts!"
"Hah. You're pathetic. Why don't you just give up now?" Barney said. Then he lowered his voice ominously. "Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father..."
"He told me enough! He told me that you killed him!"
"No, Krystal. I AM YOUR FATHER!"
"No! That's not true! That's impossible!"
"Search your feelings, Krystal You know it to be true."
"No, I mean that's literally impossible. For one, I don't look anything like you, or like a dinosaur at all for that matter. Also, A fox and a dinosaur just wouldn't work out at all genetically."
"Well, Krystal, you have to understand. It was the 60's, and we were all taking a lot of drugs..."
"Get on with it!" shouted the impatient Star Fox team.
"...so then I took the rubber chicken, stripped naked except for a pink..."
"GET ON WITH IT!"
"Fine. Die." said Barney, raising his lightsaber.
"NO!" yelled Fox, grabbing the Krazoa jars and throwing them at the ground, smashing them instantly. The liberated Krazoa immediately surrounded Barney and began beating the crap out of him, which really makes you wonder how he caught them in the first place. Several seconds later, Barney was on the run back towards his ship. He signaled it, and turning only to do a poor Arnold Schwarzenegger impression, said "I'll be back." and rushed into the ship. As it took off into the sky, Fox looked after it, then turned and rushed to Krystal, who was shakily attempting getting to her feet.
"Krystal!" said Fox, bending over her worriedly.
"Fox..." she replied, looking up into his eyes.
"What is it?" he said concernedly.
"Cut the crap and get me a bandage before I die of blood loss. Now pick up my hand, and let's get back to the ship so we can reattach it."
"Funny, I thought that was going to go an entirely different way."
As the team turned and walked into the sunset, instead of marveling at the impeccable dramatic timing of the sun, Peppy chose to voice his concerns.
"What about the prisoners?"
"Meh. They'll get out eventually." Fox replied, shrugging nonchalantly. "And if they don't, since when have I cared anyway?"
See you next time, StarFox...
And there you have it. A big rewrite of episode four. Two things to note – the next three episodes will appear just as they did in the old format, albeit with a bit more description. In other words, not complete rewrites. Also, with the deletion of the first three episodes, there are now going to be 18 chapters in the first season, instead of 21 for the numerically challenged ones out there. Don't worry, I've still got the season finale all planned out, and if I pull it off, it's going to kick more arse than a professional arse kicker at Arsetoberfest. That's a lot of arse, for the numerically challenged ones out there. See y'all in the next episode!
Fox: You say "Arse" a lot.
The Author: Convienently, guess where the cattle prod is going!
Fox: Oh dear god no...