Heroes For Hire – Halloween Episode – a month or two after Halloween!
Episode 9: The Giant Biohazard Spoof
Well, this was intended to be released on Halloween, but I have a suitable excuse. However, I shall leave you guessing as to what it is. I shall take my secret to the grave!
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
(runs out of air and collapses)
(A clone of the Author walks in.)
Sorry about that. My excuse is, I was horribly, horribly sick. Anyway, this entire episode is a spoof of Resident Evil Directors Cut, which I have just beaten as part of my Resident Evil marathon run, wherein I beat every game in the RE series on every possible mode, and gain all of their secrets and infinite ammo weapons on a blank memory card. I actually only came up with this idea while in hospital and in convenient proximity to my laptop, RE Playstation discs, and PSX emulator.
But that's beside the point. The point is, if you've never seen or played a Resident Evil/Biohazard game to its completion, namely RE 1 and the remake thereof, you're not going to get this. It's all going to go right over your head and hit the wall behind you, and the wall will get it, because even the wall has played it. Do you want the wall to be better than you? DO YOU? DO YOU? HUH? I THOUGHT BLOODY NOT! NOW GO OUT THERE AND BUY RESIDENT EVIL! NOOOOOOWWWWWW!
(Passes out)
(Another clone of the Author walks in.)
Aw crap, he drooled all over the floor.
(PS: This episode I have decided to release in two parts, mostly because if I do so, I can get it out faster. The actual idea would be enough for an entire fic, but I decide to condense it down to one or two episodes because A) A lot of Biohazard/Star Fox crossovers have been done lately for some reason, B) Most Biohazard/Star Fox crossovers suck, so the moment someone saw that it was a BH/SF, they wouldn't read it, and C) I don't think I need to be writing two non-school things at once, seeing as how I'm behind already. Maybe I'll write the whole complete BH/SF one day, maybe I won't. Likely the latter.)
Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing anyone else owns, unless you can't or won't sue me, in which case I own everything of yours. Even you. Now go clean my kitchen!
Episode 9: The Giant Biohazard Spoof
It was a normal day on the good ship Great Fox II, apart from a general lack of interest in anything whatsoever. General boredom reigned. Fox lounged in the mess hall, playing checkers with Krystal.
"Ha. Beat this." Fox said.
"Okay." Krystal replied. "Now… my turn. Hop hop hop hop hop hop hop you lose."
"Not again!"
"You're really bad at this, you know that?"
"Don't rub it in." Fox looked down at his glass. It was empty. "Barkeep!"
Kratos walked over and picked up their glasses. "You rang?"
"A beer, my good man! And what do you want, Krystal?"
"Soda water."
Fox snorted. "How come you never drink anything good?"
"Well, for one I'm a mean drunk. And for another, I could drink you and everyone else in this room under the table in a few minutes like you were all little girls."
"You gonna back up those words?"
"Only if you don't mind me punching you out when I'm completely plastered."
"That's a risk I'm going to have to take."
"KRATOS!" Krystal hollered over to him. "Fifty gallons of beer and an emergency summons to the mess hall for the entire crew! I'm going to make an example of this here Fox McCloud."
"Yes'm." Kratos said. He stuck a massive barrel under the tap, tied it down, then taped the dispenser button down and walked over to the intercom. "All hands to the mess hall for an exhibition of disgusting drunkenness."
Krystal drank Fox under the table. Then, she drank him into the floor, and from there through the floor and into the cargo hold. Falco, confident he could hold his liquor better than Krystal, especially now that she'd finished almost half of the massive keg, had taken Fox's place. Then Slippy. Then Kratos. She still showed no signs of slowing up, and the keg had been refilled twice. Peppy and ROB looked on in shock and cold, general hatred of meatbags respectively.
"Why hasn't she died of alcohol poisoning yet?" Peppy wondered aloud.
"Oh, she'll drop in a second." ROB confidently replied.
"You sure?"
"All you flesh sacks do eventually. It takes a robot to hold down liquor."
"You gonna back up those words?"
Several hours later, ROB was generally wishing he hadn't decided to show he was better than everyone else. She just kept going and going, like the energizer bunny. The sad, alcoholic energizer bunny. The refill count now stood at four and a half, and now even the robot was beginning to feel sick. How could anyone stand that much alcohol? Finally, ROB slumped into his chair and admitted defeat. Krystal shakily stood, stumbled over, attempted to shake hands, missed, threw up on ROB, and dropped dead.
Corneria City General was the best hospital in Lylat. It was actually pretty much the only hospital in Lylat, unless you counted Venomian Care Centre, which was really more of a dormitory with little more than a bedpan and pillow on the floor. Actually, scratch that. The bedpans there were the pillows. So Corneria City General had to be good, and good they were. Krystal was in ER having her entire digestive tract pumped within the ten minute mark. Then, she had her blood filtered, a complete liver replacement, redundant kidneys installed, and a lolly.
And she still had one hell of a hangover when she woke up.
It looked like the Star Fox team was to be in town for a little while, not because Krystal was in poor condition, but because the mechanics at the landing pad had called and said they'd fixed Great Fox's thrusters, but there was also the list of other things they'd bro- er… found to be in need of repair. And they wouldn't let Great Fox go without the repairs.
So Star Fox was stuck with nothing to do but break Great Fox out of the repair center. The repair center, being filled with pushy little bastards used to this sort of thing, had drained the power core and removed the thrusters, so the Arwings had to tow it into orbit.
And Slippy had been shot seventeen times in their "rescue" mission, so he wasn't around to fix things while he was in Corneria City General.
Fox put out an ad.
Within the hour, Star Fox had a team of barely paid to unpaid interns, referred to internally as "expendables" to fix the ship. Motivated by talks of a pay raise for the first to fix everything, the interns soon fixed all of the ship's problems. Now one of the interns was being paid $1 instead of $0.99, coincidentally putting him in a new tax bracket which made sure he was really only earning $0.50.
Great Fox was making preparations to break orbit and leave, when General Pepper buzzed them. Fox answered the call from the bridge.
"Hello, Fox. I just remembered I need you to do something."
"What is it, General?"
"A while ago Umbrella Inc, the big pharmaceutical company who assure me that they are completely non-evil, had a mansion built in the forest near Corneria City for employee use."
"Yes?"
"Since they wanted to market their products to the military, I toured and stayed in their mansion for a few days, but I forgot my notebook. Would you mind going and getting it for me?"
"General, we're a highly efficient mercenary team that has saved the universe a total of seven times in the last four years. Why do you keep hiring us to do menial chores for you?"
"Because the maids won't go near me."
"Why is this?"
"Well, one day I was str- all my clothes were at the dry cleaners, and I HAPPENED to wander out into the hallway, where through PURE COINCIDENCE the entire female cleanup staf-"
"Okay, lest I be scarred for life by this story, I shall leave to do what you request."
"Oh. Well, okay." The hologram phased out.
Suppressing an involuntary shudder, Fox got up to get some interns.
The next evening, Fox was stuck in a helicopter with his team. He was bored stiff, and so began narrating as they went along.
"Alpha team is flying around the forest zone, situated in northwest Corneria City. We are searching for our compatriots Bravo team, who disappeared during the course of our mission."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Krystal interrupted. "Who's Bravo team? There's only us!"
"I sent six interns to go first and get the book."
"What? You mean you gave six unpaid and untrained interns a helicopter, and sent them off into a forest area at night?"
"Pretty well, yeah. Oh, I gave them all guns too."
"You're an idiot. They're probably all dead."
Before Fox could formulate a reply, Slippy yelled excitedly.
"Look, guys!"
A thin plume of smoke was trailing upwards from the forest floor.
"It was Bravo Team's helicopter, but all the equipment was still there. However, we soon discovered why."
"What? You don't know that we're going to discover why."
"Optimism is important."
The team spread out and scouted around, but nothing came up until Slippy began jumping up and down excitedly.
"Hey! Over here!"
Slippy bent to pick up what he had found. It was a gun, with a hand still attached to it. The hand, however, was not attached to an arm, which registered as 'unusual' for Slippy.
Slippy then screamed like a little girl and dropped it.
"I found a chocolate!" he yelped, bending down and grabbing a chocolate bar.
It was at this point that indigenous wildlife chose to jump on him and generally attempt to devour him.
"SSSSLLLIIIIPPPPPYYYY!" Krystal screamed, as Slippy started to have bits missing.
"Don't just stand there, help me!" Slippy yelled desperately. Krystal, however, had wandered off in the general direction of the nearby mansion with the rest of the team. They were forced to start running as the animals left Slippy and began to pursue them Everyone else made it back to Falco's helicopter, but he was already gone, flying in panic away from the forest. So they were left with no choice but to run towards the mansion again, while a "CAST" card popped up and a narrator dramatically read out the names of the cast.
CAST
Fox McCloud
Age: 21
Blood Type: A
Occupation: Team Leader
Favourite Food: Pie
Krystal (No last name on application form.)
Age: 20
Blood Type: AB
Occupation: "Self Proclaimed Second In Command"
Dislikes: Taking the shotgun after getting Acid Rounds in the Main Hall.
Kratos Aurion
Age: 4000
Blood Type: O
Occupation: Chef
Pet: Goldfish
Rebecca Chambers
Age: 18
Blood Type: A
Occupation: Unpaid Intern
Likes: Playing Doctor
Peppy Hare
Age: 67
Blood Type: O
Occupation: Adviser
Carries: Pack after pack of cards.
"Staresident Foxevil"
"There are only three Star Fox members left now – Kratos, Peppy, and myself. We don't know where Fox is... but there is good news. I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico."
They escaped into the mansion, where they thought it was safe. Haven't they ever seen a horror movie?
"Wow! What a mansion!" Peppy said as they stepped inside an ornate main hall. Stairs in the center led up, and there were doors leading out from everywhere.
"Where's Fox?" Krystal asked, starting towards the front door.
"STOP! Don't OPEN that DOOR!" Peppy bellowed, blocking her path. As she tried to push past him, a shot rang out. Everyone looked in the direction from which it had come.
"We should investigate. Krystal, can you go?" Peppy said, pointing towards the door.
Krystal complied, walking towards the door in the direction of the shot.
"I'm going with her. Fox is our old partner, y'know." Kratos commented. They both walked off together.
"Okay. Let ME handle THIS." Peppy said.
"What's here to handle? It's an empty hall." Krystal asked.
"Er… um… things? Yes. Things. Stay alert!"
Krystal and Kratos opened the door and stepped through.
"A dining room." Kratos said, walking over to the opposite end of the hall.
Krystal looked around. It was, indeed, a dining room. It did, indeed, have a large table, presumably for dining. It also had a grandfather clock. Krystal followed Kratos down to the end of the hall, where she found him intently studying the floor.
"What? What IS this?" he said, poking it.
"What is it?"
Kratos poked it and licked his finger. "Ketchup. Krystal, go check out that door. I'll be examining this." Krystal stood up, looking at the door next to her, as Kratos muttered "I hope this is not Fox's ketchup."
"Why?"
"Well, Fox likes ketchup. He'd be pissed if he lost it."
"No, I mean why do you have to examine a pool of ketchup?"
"To see if it's Fox's ketchup. He might want it back."
"You're an idiot, you know that? Let me see that pool." Krystal poked it and sniffed it. "It's blood, you twat! You just ate some random guy's blood!"
"Oh. Well, in that case…" he paused dramatically. "I hope this is not Fox's blood."
"You're weird." Krystal sighed, getting up and walking for the other door.
She came out in an empty and rather poorly lit hall, with nothing but a faint sound of chewing therein. She walked down to the end, and there, something she really hadn't expected met her.
There was a man, snacking on someone who looked like one of the unpaid interns. The man slowly turned around to look at Krystal, who was standing in shock. The man was rotting in a way Krystal had only previously seen on year old corpses. "Brains?" he said. Roughly translated, it meant "Hi, want to join me for lunch?"
Unfortunately, Krystal didn't speak zombie, and so she raised her pistol, hands shaking.
"Brains!" (Oh, no! You've got the wrong idea! Here, want a hug?)
The gun went off, and a shot hit the zombie in the leg.
"BRAINS!" (Sweet Zombie Jesus! That's my walking leg!)
The zombie collapsed and started crawling resolutely towards Krystal.
"Get away from me, you crazy bastard!" Krystal screamed, turning and running towards the door.
Kratos stood up in surprise as Krystal barreled in through the door of the dining room.
"What is it?"
The door opened again, and a rotting corpse stumbled in on its hurt leg.
"Kratos, it's a monster!"
"I'd gotten that far."
"Brains!" (Let's be friends!)
The zombie began stumbling towards Kratos.
"Let ME handle THIS!" Kratos said, producing a magnum from his pants. He raised it and fired. He missed completely. Firing again, he hit the zombie in the arm, still not killing it. Before he could fire again, the zombie was on him.
"BRAINS!" (I love you!)
Kratos screamed in horror.
"Run, Krystal! He's insane!"
"Brains?" (I seriously object to that. If she were to stumble in and spontaneously love you, you'd be all over her, wouldn't you? What's wrong with me? Here, I'll SHOW you I'm just as good.)
"Oh dear god I think it's starting to hump me."
Krystal raised her pistol and put a bullet through the zombie, then kicked it away. "Come on, Kratos, we need to report this to Peppy."
"So cold… so very very cold…"
Dragging Kratos by the wrist, she pulled him out of the room.
The main hall was empty.
"PEPPY?" Krystal yelled. "Help me look for him, Kratos, but don't leave this hall for the time being."
On the contrary, rather than helping, Kratos collapsed against the stair railing, and curled up into the fetal position, shivering.
"I'm in my space… nothing can hurt me here… I'm in my space… I'm in my space… Why me, God?"
Krystal sighed, then toured the entire hall by herself. Peppy was nowhere to be found. Returning to Kratos, she related her findings. "I just can't find him. We should separate for the time being to look for him. I'll check those blue doors over there, and you can go back to the dining room."
"Oh, please no! It might still be alive!"
"Then kill it!"
"I was violated by that thing, and you don't even care. Fine, I'm leaving now. Oh, and take this toothpick. It might be helpful if you, the master of dentistry, take it with you."
Krystal stared at him.
"Oh, sorry. I meant this lockpick I found. Enjoy it!" Kratos handed her a lockpick.
Kratos walked cautiously off into the dining room, while Krystal walked through the blue doors on the other side.
The room was really sort of empty, except for a door on the other side of the room. She opened it and entered a hallway lined with windows, and happily walked down it, grateful that the rooms were so empty.
Then a zombie dog broke a window and came pelting down the hall after her.
"NO! I WANT TO LIIIIIVVVVEEEE!" Krystal screeched, pelting down the hall with a dog in pursuit. The sudden arrival of a second one didn't help matters much either. Somehow, she made it to the other side, threw open the door, and slumped against it, holding it shut.
Exploring the hallway she'd just entered, she didn't find much, until she came upon a large square room, with a door at the other end. Going through it, she found a small sitting room, with a shotgun hanging on the wall. She picked it up, and strolled casually back out the door, new weapon in tow.
The ceiling was coming down on her. Running across to the other door, she found it locked.
"Oh, fu-"
Before the profanity becomes widespread, let's go check on Kratos, shall we?
Kratos was walking down the very same hall Krystal found herself in.
"That'll teach her to send me off alone to face my worst fears. I'll sneak up on her and scare the crap out of her."
From down the hallway, he heard a faint cry.
"-ck!"
With an idea of where she was, Kratos began to casually walk towards the sound. He found a locked door, with a stream of swear words coming from behind it.
"Krystal, are you in there?"
"Kratos? Get me the hell out of here! The door's locked and the ceiling's coming down!"
Kratos pointed his gun at the door.
"Don't worry. Stand back, I'm going to shoot out the lock!"
He shot the lock out and kicked the door in, then dragged Krystal out into the hallway, just as the ceiling came down.
"Whew!" Kratos said, relieved. "You were almost a Krystal sandwich!"
"Oh, shut your sandwich hole."
"You know, I sort of wish Fox was here. Cause then, I could have said "Fox and Krystal sandwich" and then you'd be all confused and I'd explain by telling you that it was a reference to the fact that everyone knows Fox likes you and that you guys are eventually going to start doing… what that zombie did to me!"
Kratos screamed and curled up again. "I'm in my space! I'm in my space! Nothing can touch me here!"
Krystal sighed and stood up. "I wonder where Fox is right now."
Fox crashed through a first floor window, screaming like a little girl as a dog jumped in after him. He ran out of that room, into another, slamming the door behind him.
He was near a set of stairs. There happened to be only one other way out besides the stairs, a room marked "Med Room". He entered.
"I'll kill you good!" a girl screamed, spraying bug spray all over him, then hitting him with a roundhouse kick that sent him sailing into a wall. Snatching out her knife, she stabbed him in the arm. Then she looked at the unconscious Fox.
"Oh. You're not who I thought you were. Oh well." She dragged him over to a bed in the corner. "You'd best sit here for now."
A few minutes later, Fox blinked stars from his eyes and looked up. A young redhead was looking down at him.
"Are you all right?"
"Wh- who are you?"
"Rebecca Chambers, intern for the Star Fox team. Sorry I attacked you. Who exactly are you, apart from a sexy hottie?"
"Your employer."
"Oh, crap. Guess this means I'm fired again."
"No, it's okay. Just… do you know where I can get some medical supplies?"
"Oh! You're in luck, I'm a fully trained medic!"
"That's nice. Would you mind taking care of the knife you slashed me with?"
"Sure." she said, taking off her medpack. She began examining him, taking off his jacket and starting with his arm, and moving on to other exposed places before starting to check other areas.
"Erm… I don't think you need to take my pants off to bandage my arm."
"I am a doctor. I need to examine you thoroughly." She moved for the waistband of his underpants.
Fox sat bolt upright. "No! Tease me no further, I must see the Grail!"
"What? Oh, I love that movie! Speaking of, I have a couple of 'grails' here I think need examined, would you mind checking them out for me?"
"Oh, sweet zombie Jesus, of all the people I could have met it had to be a horny teenager." Fox said to himself under his breath. Aloud, he said "Can I examine them later? Right now I need to find my team."
"Oh, but we have all the time in the world…" Rebecca purred, then began pulling off her shirt. Fox ran screaming from the room, jacket abandoned, knife still sticking out of his arm, yelling incoherently about finding a shower.
"Goddammit, I'm never going to get any." Rebecca pouted, picking up her medpack. "Oh well, may as well check on Richard, he was going off to play with a snake, he said. Maybe he'll let me help…"
Krystal, in the meantime, had found the corpse of Forest the intern, looted said corpse, then wandered off when the corpse got up. Kratos came in to investigate a moment after Krystal left, and received a nice hug for his troubles. Krystal met him, running screaming from the room, yelling incoherently about finding a shower, but for distinctly different reasons than Fox. Krystal directed him to the bathroom, and he went off.
Rebecca was kneeling by Richard, a fellow intern.
"Richard, what happened?"
"The snake… I was attacked."
"Oh, I see. A snake, hmm?" She smiled evilly.
"Not just a snake! A monster!"
Rebecca's eyes widened. "Richard, can I see it? I might need to, so I'll know how to treat the wound."
"Okay, Rebecca. But be careful with it. It's very dangerous, and I think it may be poisonous."
"That's okay, I like danger." Rebecca was now quite excited.
Richard pointed to the door behind him. "It's in that attic."
Rebecca's excitement was quickly replaced by confusion. "It's… in the attic, hmm?"
"Yes. Rebecca, please don't annoy it. It's very dangerous."
"Oh." Realization dawned on her. "You mean a real snake. I thought you were talking about your di-"
Fox walked in and cut her off. "Hi, guys, what's up?"
"Richard here was just confusing the line between a giant poisonous snake and his p-"
"I never did. Oh, and just a suggestion, here, but I'm sort of bleeding to death and need some antidote. Would you, y'know, mind? I saw some serum in the medical room downstairs…"
"Right, Becks." Fox said. "You take care of him, I'll go get the serum."
"Okay, Fox. Hurry back." Rebecca winked at him. Fox quickly exited the room.
Krystal was bored. She had solved every single puzzle she could find, and had three of the four necessary crests to continue her investigation as to the location of General Pepper's notebook. But she had no clue where to find the last one. Maybe upstairs was a good place to start.
Fox returned with the serum and Rebecca administered it. Richard sat up, now in somewhat better condition, but far from perfect.
"Oh, god… I'm cold."
"Here." Rebecca said. "Take my jacket."
"Your jacket? That's MY bomber jacket you stole!"
"Oh, so you want the poor sick guy to freeze?"
"Not really, but I want my jacket back. Honestly, that thing cost a lot."
Rebecca gave Richard the jacket, and stretched. "Oh, I really wish the shirt I'm wearing wasn't quite so… form fitting. If I stretch any more, that fabric is just going to…"
rip
Krystal approached a door upstairs, but as she prepared to open it, Fox barreled out, screaming "Showershowershowershowershowershowershower!"
Shrugging, Krystal entered the room. There, she met a girl with almost no shirt left, it having ripped into bits and fallen off, and a man lying on the floor, in Fox's jacket.
"I'm pretty sure this isn't a topless beach." Richard commented.
"Shut your cake hole and give me that jacket." Rebecca said, snatching it from Richard. She slipped it on and zipped it up, then turned to Krystal. "Hello. Who're you?"
"I'm Krystal. Star Fox Team. I'm here investigating as to the location of General Pepper's lost notebook."
"Oh, cool. I'm one of your interns, and so is floor boy here."
"Okay. Why did Fox just run screaming out of here about showers?"
"He's gone to the showers, hmm? That means he'll be…"
"What was that?"
"Oh, sorry. I said I think he might be hurt. I'm a medic, so I'll go after him." Rebecca jogged out of the room.
"Well, I guess that leaves me and you." Richard said.
"Correction, that leaves you. I'm going into that attic." Krystal cocked her shotgun, and opened the door before Richard could warn her about the snake.
Kratos was in the shower, frantically washing the places where zombies had hugged him. He didn't know why these particular zombies didn't want to eat people, but they were still pretty disgusting.
Fox opened the door to the bathroom, pulled back the curtain, turned the shower tap all the way to its cold side, and pushed Kratos out. He'd not even bothered to take his clothes off.
Kratos was understandably shocked. There he was, happily showering, when he'd been unceremoniously hurled out of the tub. He wrapped a towel round himself, and opened his mouth to protest when the door opened again, and Rebecca Chambers walked into the room, stumbling towards Kratos.
"Brains… Brains! BRAINS!"
"SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS!" Kratos screamed, throwing himself into the toilet, and trying to force the lid down around himself. He was understandably annoyed when the "zombie" collapsed on the floor, laughing hysterically. She stopped when he pointed his gun at her head.
"Hey, no need for that." Rebecca hastily assured him, backing up.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Oh, we haven't met. I'm Rebecca Chambers, intern. Are you going to kill me?" She looked up at him, eyes wide and innocent.
Kratos sighed. "No, I'm not."
She bounded to her feet. "That's great then! We're going to be friends!"
Kratos sighed again. "Fox, do you know this nutcase?"
"Fox is in here?" she yelled, throwing back the shower curtain. Her excited expression faded when she saw he was showering fully clothed. "Spoilsport." Rebecca pouted, leaning against the wall.
Kratos was now understandably confused and afraid, and beginning to get cold. "Can you… y'know… go away? I need to get dressed… and you're… a… you know… girl."
"You can do that in front of me." Rebecca assured him.
"What?"
"I'm a MEDIC." Rebecca said this as if it explained cold fusion, the existence of God, and the age old 'chicken or egg' question in one fell swoop.
"That doesn't make it okay!"
A burst of inspiration. "Here, what if I get naked with you, will that make you feel better about it?"
"Not at all, no."
"Well I'm going to anyway." Rebecca said, reaching for the jacket zipper.
Kratos turned away. "You can't make me look."
"I don't need to. I'm going to take off all my clothes and wander through that big old mansion all alone, with absolutely nothing to protect me…"
"I've had enough!" Kratos said, pointing his gun at her head. "You make one more move towards that zipper, and I'll have to shoot you."
"I don't see what your problem is." Rebecca said. Then she saw his bundle of clothes on the floor. "Oh… I see it all now." Rebecca said smugly. "Purple."
Then she turned and walked out the door.
"SHIT!" Kratos fired the gun into the ceiling until it clicked. "Why does every girl I meet seem to think I'm gay?"
"The purple clo-"
"Shut up, Fox. It was a rhetorical question."
Meanwhile, Krystal was in trouble. The attic had been largely empty, except for a giant snake monster thingy, which was generally not a good thing to find in your attic, unless you also have a giant mongoose monster thingy. Bullets, for the most part, didn't do much, and it had bitten her several times. Just then, there were gunshots from downstairs, and six shots, unbeknownst to Krystal, hit the snake in the belly, causing it to slink off, somewhat annoyed. Krystal stumbled over to the last crest, hidden in a corner, then staggered out of the attic, vision blurring. She made it outside, next to Richard, before collapsing, unconscious.
Krystal came to in the medical room, lying on the bed, with Rebecca next to her.
"Blimey, my head… did I get really wasted or something?" Krystal rolled over to come face to face with a sleeping Rebecca. "Oh dear god, please tell me we didn't do it..I'm never touching alcohol again if we did…"
Rebecca began talking in her sleep. "Fox, are you okay? Oh no…" (incoherent mumbles) "Of course I will." (incoherent mumbles) "Oh no, Mr. Beanbag Chair! It's not what you think!" (incoherent mumbles) "What? No, not my ears! Anything but that!" (Incoherent mumbles) "Oh, now you've broken the microwave. How will I tell your mother?" (Incoherent mumbles) "Yes, I suppose we could give the goldfish to the President."
Krystal began to back away towards the door and ran through. This girl was just too weird.
Fox gave the big metal door another kick, then slumped to the floor. It didn't seem to want to open, instead having some hint about crests and wind or something. Kratos was leaning against the wall, talking animatedly to no one in particular.
"You know, maybe if I wore pink, people would take me more seriously… or maybe lime green."
"Maybe if you shut up and helped, this door would be open."
"It is open."
Krystal waved from the other side, four inventory slots now emptier than they had previously been.
"Oh. Right then, you stay here and investigate."
"But I don't want to!"
"Okay, fine. Go over there and investigate."
"Okay. I'll just go outside… and be EATEN BY A MONSTER!"
Kratos wandered off. Fox stared after him, thoroughly confused, before turning to follow Krystal, who had also wandered off. Today was not looking good at all.
Krystal, in the meantime, found Peppy at the end of a hallway in the little residence she'd found, shooting bees out of the air.
"Peppy? What the bloody hell are you doing here?"
"Shooting the little buzzy things… what are they called… salmon?"
"Why did you just disappear on us?"
"I had some problems. I think you may have met some of them."
"The hall was empty. At the very least you might have run after us into the dining room."
"Yes, but then my diabol… nice flowers would have wilted."
"What flowers?"
"The yellow ones." Peppy said cryptically. "Oh, and I found that notebook we were looking for."
"Did you?"
"Yes, it was in here on a bed. Here, why don't you hold onto it?"
"Sorry, I already have eight things."
"Er… what?"
"Well, I've got my handblaster, two extra battery clips, that old gunpowder shotgun, a box of shells, my grenade launcher, explosive grenades, a control room key, and a key labeled 002."
"So you can't carry a little notebook because you've got two small keys, but you can fit two large rifle size weapons, along with ammunition, in your pockets?"
"Weird, isn't it? Oh, and I found an ECG, so I've been carrying that about with me."
"Okay…"
"Oh, I forgot. Can I read the notebook?"
"Well, it is a book…"
"Then I have plenty of room." Krystal said triumphantly, grabbing the book, leafing through it, then stuffing it in a file folder. Peppy blinked, then turned and continued shooting "salmon". Krystal walked out.
Fox was in rather a lot of trouble. There was a giant plant. It was really quite large. And it seemed to like to squeeze him. That and drain his blood. And all he had was a knife and pistol.
Really doesn't seem fair, does it?
Krystal kicked a door in, and pointed her shotgun at the nearest killable thing, which happened to be Fox, being throttled by a large and seemingly disgruntled fern.
"Krystal… help?" Fox asked desperately.
"Well, okay. I'll go mix some chemicals and pour them on the roots of that plant, instead of shooting it right here, with my comparatively larger arsenal. See you in fifteen!"
"Really… helpful… Krys…" Fox managed to squeeze out the sarcasm before passing out.
All these chemicals were really confusing Krystal to no end. She had absolutely no idea what the hell she was doing. Unbeknownst to her, the file on the table next to her would have told her that the chemical composition she was now mixing would create a poison gas, capable of dropping her in less than ten seconds. Unfortunately, she didn't like to read files. A loud thump as she hit the floor alerted several hungry zombies outside the door, who, having had their love rejected, were now quite ravenous. These zombies were zombies with morals. They only ate things that were already dead, or quite close to it. Krystal would fit the bill, and the menu, nicely.
See you space zombies.
Ooh, cliffhanger ending! Well, not really. They're main characters who really can't be killed off very well. But then, there's always Rebecca, the token teen in the horror movie whose only purpose is to die while in some compromising position, usually involving nudity.
Will Fox escape the giant Plant?
Will Krystal be eaten by a zombie scorned?
Will Kratos ever get over his fear of zombie lovin'?
Will Rebecca ever get any lovin', undead or otherwise? And will she die?
The "diabol-" in Peppy's scene couldn't have really been "Diabolical Plan", could it?
What the hell happened to Slippy, seeing as how he can't be killed off?
Why did I refer to the zombies as "Space Zombies" when they are clearly earthbound?
The answers to all this and more, coming 'soon'…
Yes, I am aware that all of this is quite daft in general. I wrote most of it while half delirious in hospital, simply because I was bored out of my mind and had my PSX Biohazard disc in my laptop. Then my mind wandered to how much more awesome Star Fox Assault wouldst have been if it had had Resident Evil 4 camera , controls, inventory, and the like, and used that for the ground missions, and kept the awesome space sequences. Oh, and Dr. Salvador, the Friendly Chainsaw Man, would need to be there too. Just think, walking across that Katina base, looking for any sign of life, when suddenly Fox turns around and the chainsaw revs… awesomeness, right there. Of course, the children would be a bit scarred for life and all, when the traditionally less violent furry protagonist of a traditionally less violent game series involving other such traditionally less violent characters is bloodily decapitated, but who needs children when we could have chainsaws? Or something. Yes. Indeed. Buy Resident Evil 4, especially if you have a Gamecube, then go say hi to the Friendly Chainsaw Man. You won't be sorry.
Oh, and for those of you who missed that, I was in hospital for a month. Proceed to feel sorry for me, also send me money, or I might get sick again. And this time I'll die. And bleed all over the floor. And then, when I'm in the afterlife/reincarnated/a ghost/in the great big DDR machine in the sky, I will seek you out and kill you, or failing that due to some noncorporeal form I inhabit, I shall possess some guy with a chainsaw and potato sack with two convenient eye holes. I think we all know what will happen to you.
The moral, send me money or you'd better have enough shells.