Standard disclaimer applies –
'The memories play back and forth; ceaselessly, like a broken record going on and on. I can't turn them off. Words are tossed carelessly, voices resonate, actions are replayed over and over again, till I have them down to perfection.
'They are tearing me apart once more. Every single time it happens, it is like a knife through an already present wound. They draw me in, leaving me hapless to do naught but be reeled into the experience once more.
'They are consuming me; they are eating me alive.'
Chapter 4: Realisation Sets In
Kai awoke to the feel of bed sheets being pulled off him. This only serve to bring to mind the memory of Rei bounding into his room on the rare occasion that he did not manage to get up before the rest of the team and ripping the warm sheets off him. He felt the faint blossoming of hope rise in his chest. Did that mean that Rei was home?
"Rei?" he murmured hopefully. He shot up and glanced wildly about.
Only to find Tyson glaring at him.
He leaned back into his bed, feeling the previous little bit of excitement and happiness drain out of him. He felt so tired.
He groaned and turned over, muttering a soft, "Leave me alone." What the hell was Tyson thinking, being in his room? He thought that he had successfully delivered the message that he was, under absolutely no circumstances, to be disturbed.
"And get out of my room." He added as an afterthought.
This earned him a scowl from Tyson which, naturally, he did not see. Why was Kai so lethargic? So un-Kaish? He did not even get yelled at for entering Kai's room or, as Kai would put it, trespassing into his personal space.
"What the hell is wrong with you Kai? Snap out of it!"
Kai groaned and pulled the neglected blankets further up, effectively separating himself from Tyson and his surroundings.
"Moping around isn't going to get Rei back." Tyson added in a much softer tone. It was gentle, sympathetic.
Kai sat up slowly, his crimson eyes staring straight at Tyson's, alight with raw anger; desperation, his hands clenching the blankets tightly. Tyson gulped and involuntarily took a step back.
"Don't you dare…don't you ever dare to drag Rei into the picture." His voice was deep and the words were grounded out through clenched teeth.
"Face it Kai. I've enough of your attitude. I find it sickening. Go do some training, go get Rei back! Just don't sit here doing...doing absolutely nothing!" Tyson paused to take a deep breath.
Kai had thrown the covers back over his head and was immobile.
"You're wasting away Kai. What happened to the guy I knew? What happened to the guy who would not stand to be yelled at?"
There was no reply.
Tyson carried on, relentless.
In a tone so soft that only Kai and he could catch, he said, "What happened to the Kai that I knew, and admired?"
Kai did not move.
Tyson stopped, unsure as to how to react to this severe change in his team captain.
Seeing no other alternative, he turned and left the room. As soon as he heard the soft click of the door lock, Kai peeked out from under the covers. Was Tyson, for once, right?
As if on cue, the phone on his bedside table rang. Kai groaned silently to himself and pulled himself out of bed.
"Yes?" he grunted into the mouthpiece.
"Hey sleepy head." Tala greeted cheerily from the other line. Eerily cheerily.
"What do you want?" Kai snapped, getting straight to the point. He was never known for patience in the first place.
"Well, well. Aren't we all Mr. Congeniality today? I heard from Tyson. So, you want to talk about it?"
"Nice façade Ivanov. Like you give a damn. You just want to gloat about it and rub it in my face you miserable prick."
In a soft voice, Tala countered with a question, "What's there to gloat about?"
There was no reply from Kai.
"So are you coming?"
The answer was immediate; there was no hesitation.
"No."
"No, no. You seem to misunderstand. Maybe I should rephrase. How shall I say this – Mr. Hiwatari, get your lazy ass to my place immediately."
"Why did you ask in the first place then?" Kai's tone was irritated, but he felt the beginnings of a small smile tugging at his lips.
"To give you the impression that you had authority over the matter." Tala replied in an off-handed tone.
Kai could almost imagine him waving his hands airily around him. Tala could almost imagine Kai rolling his eyes at the reply.
"My place. I trust you know where that is. Be there as soon as possible. Oh and Kai? For the precious safety of my sanity and olfactory membrane, take a bath."
Then the line was cut off.
Kai looked at the phone in his hands and smirked. Maybe Tala and Tyson were right. Maybe it was about time he snapped out of it. After all, he thought bitterly, 'Moping around would not bring Rei back.'
Twenty minutes later, Kai was standing outside Tala's place. He lifted a finger to ring the doorbell.
There was the distinct sound of scampering feet before the front door creaked open to reveal a pair of suspicious eyes staring at him. Almost immediately, the eyes widened and the door was flung open.
"Kai!" Ian greeted. "We're waiting for you. Come on in." It was apparent that Ivan was pleased by Kai's visit.
Kai gave a curt nod to Ian and shut the door behind him. He followed Ian into the kitchen where the Demolition Boys was present.
Spencer looked at him with a sad half smile on his face, as if he felt sorry for Kai and the state that he was in. Bryan was scowling and Tala was smirking. Kai eyed them cautiously, a forbidding sense of trepidation steadily building up in his chest.
"You wanted to talk Ivanov?"
Tala's smirk grew wider.
"Ahh, yes. I heard that you and your boyfriend had a little tiff recently and now said boyfriend's missing."
Kai growled at the back of his throat.
"Rei's not my boyfriend."
Tala's sharp blue eyes glinted evilly before hardening.
"He would be if you wised up Hiwatari." Kai cocked an eyebrow.
"Wised up?"
Tala's features relaxed visibly and he leaned back into his chair slowly.
At the same time, Bryan leaned forward, he face a rough 15 centimetres from Kai's.
"I could have killed him easily at the World Championships. I paid dearly for not doing so."
He straightened up, but his piercing gaze never left Kai's.
In a rare act of displaying his emotions, Kai furrowed his brows, looking confused. Then, seconds later, his eyes widened slightly in realisation. The change did not go unnoticed by those present.
Changing the topic abruptly, before the atmosphere in the kitchen got too awkward, Tala left Kai to ponder what he was to do.
During the entire conversation, Kai was withdrawn from the rest, instead opting to contemplate about everything and get his feelings and thoughts sorted out. After half an hour, he stood up abruptly. At once, everyone's attention was on him.
Meeting their questioning gazes with his usual stoic expression back in place, he announced, "I'm going home."
They nodded, understanding.
However, just before Kai turned, Bryan stood up and caught his elbow in a firm grip.
"Hurt him, and I'll hurt you." The look in his eyes was all the explanation that Kai needed.
On the way home, Kai mused about the mess that he had started. He let out a bitter laugh that sounded hollow. It seemed that Bryan and he had similar tastes. Who knew that Bryan had a thing for Rei? Who would have guessed?
His focus shifted and his mind, invariably, settled on a particular memory. It was the one fateful incident that ended everything. The one incident that started everything.
The one incident that he just could not forget.
It was as if an eagle had sunk its talons deep into his flesh and simply refused to let go. The more he tried to get rid of it, the more blood and flesh he took out - the more pain he felt. The more he tried to forget it was there, the more it stood out in his memory, scarily vivid. And when he did face up to it and try to fight it, the more he lost.
What hurt the most, he felt, was the crushing feeling of knowing that you would never have the chance to go back into time and do it all again. It was the devastating sensation of knowing that the occurrence was irreversible.
You only got one chance.
And there were simply too many things that could spoil it. The worse thing was, you do not even realise the lost chance, the action that made you lose it, until it was all over.
A 'yes', a 'no', a smile, a frown, a laugh.
A tiny action that seemed so small, so innocuous then, something that, originally, you would not even think about. That. Changed into something colossal, something that caused everything to blow up in your face.
Some diminutive action, that, only when you thought back, when you searched the past, that moment, when you asked yourself what went wrong, would you get the answer.
It started out as something small. Something you would not have seen if you had not been searching specifically for it. And when you notice it, you promise that you will clean it up one of these days. But time drags on, and you cannot find the time or the effort to be bothered. Eventually, it starts to sink in, larger than ever, and you can do nothing to get rid of it then.
It was like the surprise of an unsuspecting mistake, hitting you hard, when you least expect it. By then, the mistake is so clear that you wonder how come you did not realise it before.
Why you didn't spot it before, when it was still a small problem that could be taken care of quickly without making a huge mess?
One chance with Rei, and he had blown it.
The memory of that incident was always on his mind; hiding in the depths of his sub-consciousness, just waiting for the ideal moment to grab his waning attention.
The chilling part was that he could remember it with such lucidity. It almost seemed like he was seeing it from a focused lens, every small detail in place, everything so carefully planned that he could just see it with such crystal clarity. It was scary.
He knew the sequence of events better than the back of his hand. How many times had he replayed it over and over again? How many times had he felt such utter confusion and guilt?
Kai felt a familiar pang of guilt, frustration and a deep hatred for himself. The many different emotions coalesced, so much so that he could no longer tell one emotion from the next.
How could he have been so dense? It was his entire fault.
Unconsciously, he bit down on his lower lip hard and his hands curled into tight balls. His nails were digging into the flesh of his palm, leaving distinct crescent-mooned markings.
All his fault.
The start of it all.
His fault.
He redoubled the pressure on his lower lip, sinking his teeth into soft, pliant flesh.
The stubbornness displayed.
His hands started trembling noticeably. He gritted them even tighter.
The unwillingness to give in to one another.
The rhythm of his footsteps increased in momentum and the thudding sound of shoe on the asphalt ground augmented in volume.
The sharp ascend of voices as tempers frayed.
His gait was stiff, long legs striding quickly, weaving his way swiftly through the human crowd on the streets of Tokyo. The way he shifted position, twisting to the left and right, had an almost violent attribute to it. People who saw him kept out of his way.
The yelling.
His vision was blurring over. He had no idea where he was going. All he knew was that he needed to keep moving. He needed to find an outlet for these emotions. But it was getting harder and harder to see. A fog clouded his mind and his vision was impaired by a red haze.
Kai took in a deep breath to try and calm his nerves.
The words were embedded in his mind
The hurt in Rei's eyes, as he had glared so furiously.
The shock - the utterly flabbergasted expression on Rei's face.
His fault. Entirely his fault.
He choked as he felt his windpipe clog over. He was so sorry.
It was all his fault, and he would do anything to change what actually happened.
Anything.
"Rei, please come back," he whispered.
Whirling around violently on his heels, he slammed his clenched right fist into a nearby lamppost with as much strength as he could muster. There was a sickening crunch as bone met metal.
The rim of people who pointed at him and whispered under their breaths receded into the background.
He gasped as pain coursed through his hands. It felt like liquid fire, spreading swiftly and alighting his nerves. It was burning his hand. Paralysing.
He staggered around blindly, before spotting a bench and slumping down on it. He was completely and utterly defeated. The memories were over ridding him and he had no control.
And even now, they were coming back and haunting him.
He had no more power, no more resistance. All he waned to do was go to sleep. Fall into an eternal sleep and slip into blissful unconsciousness, where there was no pain, no more remembering.
No more feelings.
He no longer had any need for resisting. He was surrendering to the memories. And in an inundating current, the excruciating events came rushing back to him oh so clearly.
The reason why Rei left.
He spread his legs wide, leaning so that he was crouched over his abdomen. His arms were resting on his tights, head in both hands.
Covering, hiding, trying to protect himself from the onslaught of emotions. The embodiment of defeat.
Kai Hiwatari was remembering.
Remembering... a dark raven-haired teenager...
Remembering a Chinese boy with ambitions and a determined optimistic grin on his beautiful face. Remembering the traditional ethnic clothing that he always wore, and the ying-yang symbol on his head band. Remembering the tinkling light-hearted melodic sound of his laughter…
He was remembering Rei.
Kai was sitting in his favourite armchair, in his customary fashion, head slightly bowed, arms crossed and folded protectively over his chest. Why was Rei still ignoring him?
It was after their practice and Tyson and Max were watching television. Kenny was sitting in a corner of the room, typing.
Rei entered the room, amber eyes alight, his mouth drawn into a firm line. Long braid swinging wildly behind with his swift actions, he headed straight for Kai.
Kai knew that Rei was going for him. What for, he had no idea. For one tingling heart-stopping moment, he thought that Rei was going to clear up this whole entire mess. But when Rei paused in front of him and he lifted his head to stare Rei in the eyes, any inkling of that previous hope was dashed out.
Rei looked stubborn and hard pressed, as if it pained him to even be in Kai's presence. That was probably how he felt.
"The White Tigers invited me back to the village for a short one week visit." The tone was defiant, bold, as if daring Kai to refute him.
Since they were training and Kai was the team captain, all permissions to leave for a holiday or otherwise had to be granted by him.
It could have been the remembrance of Mariah and Lee, or it could have been the fact that Rei was posing the question as if he was stipulating for a fight, challenging Kai.
Or perhaps it was the fact that Rei had been ignoring him for such a long time, and the first thing that he chose to speak to Kai was not for reconciliation. It could even have been because he could not bear the hurting verity that Rei preferred to spend time in the company of the White Tigers rather than him.
It could have been any of those things.
What he did know was that it compelled him to turn Rei down.
"No."
Rei glared, hatred burning in his irises. He was clearly furious, but he did not seem shock, as if he had expected that particular answer.
Did he? Did he expect Kai to refuse him? It was burning Kai up.
"Why not?" he demanded, a taunt present in his tone. When Kai simply lowered his head again and did not provide an explanation, Rei raised his voice.
"Don't have a valid answer do you? I'm going then."
He turned around to leave, but Kai's voice stopped him.
"I said no."
Rei whipped around and narrowed his eyes at Kai.
Some point during their heated conversation, the television had been switched off and the rhythmic click of nails on keyboard had paused.
"Why not?" Rei challenged softly, but one could hear the underlying trembling.
It was no longer a question of gaining permission to visit one's hometown with friends any longer. It was no longer a matter of that genre.
It had stopped being that a long time ago.
It was the accumulation of wounds upon wounds of hurt and troubles; bottled up feelings that threatened to overspill now. It was the insults that they tossed to one another so carelessly, the brash accusations and the deadly looks they shot.
It was the hurt that had nurtured, growing silently without them realising it under all the misunderstandings and unwillingness to give in and forgive. The inability to let go. The stubbornness and refusal.
They had developed the hurt.
And now it was coming back, redoubled, twice as strong.
"No means no."
Rei shook his head slowly, as if he could not believe how immaturely Kai was acting.
"Why not?" Rei's voice went up a hitch in volume. It was as close as you could get to shouting while still talking.
"Don't question me." Kai raised his head, a burning intensity in his burgundy orbs. Anger was rising up inside Kai. Twisting and turning viciously like a snake as it tried to take over. The way Rei had been avoiding him; the repudiated offers for help; the lack of positive reception for his effort to try and patch things up.
Did they not make him angry?
God, yes... Yes, they did.
His anger was feeding off the umbrage it gave off hungrily. Acrimony at himself, at Rei, at the entire bloody world. His blood was heating up; his mind was losing all sense and aptitude to think straight.
"You're being unreasonable Kai!" It could safely be classified under yelling.
There was a deathly silence.
When was the last time Rei had raised his voice at Kai? Not too long ago. It was only once, though there were other cases that came close.
It was one time too many.
Kai was struggling to keep his temper in check. But it was burning him up on the inside, setting his nerves blazing.
"My command is law." He grounded out through tightly clenched teeth.
"You think you're so great Kai Hiwatari! Well, you're not!"
Kai gripped the sides of his armchair so tightly that his knuckles turned white, sinking his nails into the soft cushion.
But Rei was on a toll and he was not stopping. He did not notice Kai's pained expression.
"- always bulling us around! What right do you have?"
Getting no reply only served to infuriate Rei even more. His voice increased till he was practically yelling at the top of his voice.
"Do you even care? Are you even listening? What right do you have to control my life? Answer me Kai!"
Kai was out of his seat in one swift moment and, throwing all his strength into the fluid movement, slapped Rei so hard that he was thrown across the floor, knocking against the wall.
Instant silence.
Rei placed one hand on his stinging cheek gently, almost as if in awe. He had not expected that. He turned to face Kai again.
Kai was glancing at his reddened palm, his eyes were wide with dazed shock.
"Rei." he whispered.
Rei leaped up without a word and dashed to the door, flinging it open and running out into the night. Kai was at the door in an instant.
"Rei! I didn't mean to!"
By then, Rei was out and he was running and he pretended that he had not heard.
A stray beam of pale dawning sunlight fell upon the sleeping Chinese boy, highlighting the ends of his bounded hair, bleaching it a reddish brown.
The little warmth it provided made the teenager shift in his semi-awake condition. Yawning widely enough to show off his sharp canines, Rei stretched and rubbed the sleep-induced haze from his eyes.
It was morning. There was approximately one more hour before the bus arrived. And then there was no turning back. He was really leaving Japan. Leaving the Bladebreakers, Tyson, Max, Kenny and...Kai.
He felt a sharp pang of nostalgia hit him.
He was leaving. And there was no one to say good bye, to wish him a safe trip home.
After the quarrel with Kai, he had crept back in the middle of the night and broke into the house to grab his stuff. He only took the basic necessities as he shared a room with Kai and he did not want to risk waking Kai up.
Not after what happened.
He could not get back to sleep. Getting up, he started strolling around the bus station. Might as well find something to occupy his thoughts before the bus arrived to take him to the airport.
He was not going to turn back.
Kai stumbled into the apartment, drained, paler than usual, and completely dead. Using his left hand, he let himself into his room.
He wrapped his right hand up in a white bandage tightly so that it had no chance to worsen. Sitting on his bed, he stared at his throbbing hand, his mind a total blank.
Glancing around absentmindedly, his eyes finally chose to settle on Rei's now vacant bed. The sheets were neatly folded, the pillow in the exact centre of the bed. It was spotless; impeccably kept, really.
As if in a trance, Kai got up slowly from his bed and took a step to the bed opposite his. Step, after step, after step.
When he was directly in front of Rei's bed, he could just discern the faint but omnipresent aroma of Rei on the bed sheets. The herbal smell of his shampoo mingled with his own intoxicating scent was distinctly Rei's.
He sat down slowly on the bed, his hand resting lightly on the bed, revelling in the cool, soft touch. But as he settled down, he heard the crinkling of paper. He got up immediately, his left hand feeling desperately under the sheets.
Maybe it was all a terrible joke and Rei was telling him that he was forgiven and that it wasn't meant to be real.
Maybe it was all staged, perhaps by Tyson, just to piss him off, or to get back at him for the extra training he had made them all do.
Kai could feel his heart palpitating against his ribcage with every beat. It increased in alacrity as his hand came upon the unmistakable texture and firmness of paper.
He clasped it and pulled it out.
The envelope was brown, and it felt slightly grainy. But it was paper nonetheless.
It was the rough size of a postcard. Kai's hands shook faintly as he read the words on the front.
Written on the front in neat slanting handwriting that curled the letters slightly at the end, making it look somewhat like cursive and somewhat like scribbling, were the words:
'To Kai'
There was no more.
He flipped the envelope around, hand trailing lightly around the edges of the pasted down flap.
Placing a nail under a small opening at one end, he moved his finger along, slowly prying open the envelope.
-
End Chapter Four