Standard disclaimer applies -
'It has come to this – the point where nothing else matters anymore. I am merely clinging on to a single ray of hope. Hope that may disappear at a moment's notice, leaving me to stumble backwards, reeling from the blow.
'It's all I've got left. It's all that is relevant. It's all I desire.
'Forgive me, please.
'Forgive me, and I'll show you that I can do better. Forgive me, for I would never commit that mistake twice. Forgive me, for I have no where else to turn to if you leave me in the lurch. Forgive me, because I need you to. Forgive me, I am begging you. Forgive me, Rei.'
Chapter 9: And Unending Circle
Rei slammed the empty mug on the table, groaning as he buried his head in defeat within his arms.
Seven years.
Seven years and the palpable uneasiness within him remained as acerbic as ever. Seven years of thinking about everything, his breath catching in his throat every single time he imagined the possibilities. Seven years and he remained clueless as to how he should act.
Damn was he hopeless.
He stifled a frustrated sob, the action sending a tremor through his body. Things had never gone the way he had wished and he doubted they ever would. Each time he raised his hopes, it was only to have them come crashing down on him once more. He should just give up.
Run away from him. Like he had ran away seven years ago on a plane all the way to China, like he had ran away just now, slipping through the doors quietly and bolting out of the restaurant and into the first bar he saw along the streets.
The exorbitantly loud music was blasting his ears and the one too many drinks that he had downed was enough to make his head spin. The thought that at least an hour had passed and the others must be wondering where he was now registered briefly in his mind. He slapped some notes on the bar top before pushing his chair back and standing up. Only to have to grab onto the chair. The smallest movement had his head reeling, which threw things out of focus.
Shit.
Gripping the edge of the chair so tight it hurt, he pulled himself pass the mess of gyrating bodies, moving towards the exit.
Even with nothing to hinder him, Rei found it exceedingly difficult to walk properly in some semblance of a straight line, not when his legs threatened to give way beneath him. So when someone brushed past him rather boldly, he found himself staggering backwards.
Just as Rei stumbled, a hand came up from behind and caught him before he could hit the floor. Turning his head to gaze blurrily at that person, his mind noted through the haze clouding his mind that the hand was moving onto places that he did not want it to, and the face in front of him was ugly and leering. Not like Kai's, his mind added slyly, and with his brain working at such a sluggish pace, his subconscious agreed.
The man breathed in his face, mouth twisting into an ugly sneer as he pulled Rei closer towards him. His lips formed words Rei did not hear. The pounding headache and the blasting music made it impossible to comprehend what the guy grabbing him was saying.
The arm encircling his waist made it difficult for him to twist away, and he did not like the way the guy was leaning towards him. He started to free himself from the tenacious grip, but that only served for it to tighten till it started to hurt, and Rei whined in annoyance, attempting to pull away with more force.
"Nope. You're not getting anyway." The words were breathed out into the shell of his ear, and Rei flinched when the unwelcome blast of dank breath hit him.
"Let...me go." Rei growled, the words slung together in a slur. Instinct was screaming at him to get the hell out of there.
"Feisty, eh? You won't be for long." The leering was getting to Rei. The arm was restricting his movement and he detested being held captive against his will.
"What's the matter? Stop trying to get away. There's no one here to help you. It's not like you're taken." The guy smirked and yanked Rei's bent half bent over form up. He moved his head towards the dazed Rei, going straight for his lips - and found himself flung to the floor, his jaw throbbing.
Standing above him, mahogany eyes blazing so fiercely it sent shivers of trepidation shooting warningly down his spine, was Kai.
"You bastard. Never, ever do that again. I would not hesitate to break your pathetic neck."
With a possessive arm wrapped tightly around Rei, pressing him to his body firmly to keep him balanced, Kai glared down at the man who dared make a move on Rei, taking advantage of his incapability to defend himself when he was wasted. If not for the fact that he had to support Rei and make sure he did not collapse to the ground, he would be pummelling that prick six feet under.
"And don't you dare go around talking about things you don't know about."
Because Rei was taken.
Even if Rei himself did not know it. Even if Rei did not wish it any longer. Even if it had been over seven years.
"Damn it!" Kai hissed, mahogany orbs flashing defiantly.
Rei was taken.
-
I may go on trying to kid myself, hoping against hope that what I feel is merely infatuation; that the ardour would eventually cool and dissipate just like that, to be forgotten.
Inside though, I know I'm weaving a bare-faced lie, and day after day, I find myself falling short of the ability to conceal it.
-
Kai did not know where Rei's hotel was, but that did nothing to deter him. He was not leaving while Rei was intoxicated. What had he been thinking? Surely he had to know he would have been taken advantage of while he was in this kind of state.
Ignoring the blatant stares eyeing them, Kai slung an arm around Rei's shoulder, using the other to pull Rei so close to him there was no space between them. He glared at the people obstructing his path, the blazing ferocity marking his countenance doubled with the punch they had just witnessed made them step out of the way hurriedly.
And with the same steel willed determination that Kai used to search the shops along the street to find Rei, he scooped the now sleeping Rei into his arms and marched up to what seemed to be every single hotel reception desk in the city. It did not matter when Rei dribbled onto his brand new collar shirt, or when people turned their heads and ogled, or when their gazes lingered for far too long, or when his arms ached and went so numb he could no longer feel them.
-
I know vindictiveness has always been a constant in my life, but that somehow seems to be an exception when dealing with you.
Now though, I want you to feel what you're putting me through; want you to feel that desperate frustration that courses through me every single breathing moment.
For that would be the only way I would feel justice is done.
That would be the only way you could want me enough to forgive me.
-
When Mariah and Lee answered the door, Rei was lying on the floor just outside, contentedly curled into a tight ball. There was no one else.
"First day back to Japan and you get smashed Rei? That's not exactly model citizen behaviour don't you think?"
"Ha. Ha. Very funny Michael. Please excuse me so I can head over to Mariah and Lee and mutilate them for getting a kick out of my life."
He managed to stand up and take a few steps before Bryan came up from behind Rei, slipping a possessive arm around his shoulders. Rei glanced up, surprised. But Bryan was not looking at him.
He was staring past his shoulders, straight at Kai. Who currently had his eyes lowered to the table, and was staring fixedly on his plate. Though his gaze was not upon them, the telltale sign of his tightly clenched fists, and the traitorous trembling of the table he sat at said he had seen everything.
"Bryan?"
Bryan lowered his gaze to meet Rei's confused but polite one. He made sure his voice was loud enough for Kai to hear.
"Yeah... would you like to take a stroll with me Rei? I'd like a talk."
His eyes left Rei's halfway through the dialogue, and trained themselves on Kai's bent over form instead.
Kai stood up abruptly, balled fists pushing his seat away from the table roughly.
"Hey Kai! Where are you going?" Tyson yelled from across the table.
"I'm going back to the hotel room first," he ground out through his teeth, head ducked away from view, face hidden behind navy blue bangs. Although they lived within the city, Tyson planned on staying the night to catch up with the rest of the teams who had flown over, and being their driver, Kai had chosen getting a room over making two trips back and forth.
As Kai brushed past him, Bryan felt more than saw the fiery mahogany orbs burning fiercely through him, and knew that Kai was staring fixedly at the arm he still had around Rei.
When he was certain Kai was out of earshot, he steered a bewildered Rei gently but firmly away from anyone whose attention was focused on something that did not concern him or her.
When they were out of the bustling restaurant and into the quiet streets, Bryan withdrew his arm and shoved his hands in his pockets, taking slow, leisurely steps. Rei fell into pace beside him, as silent as he was. He gazing at the inky night sky that was dotted with stars. It was so peaceful, so tranquil and calming that he felt himself give a wistful sigh. He still loved stargazing.
It was just that for quite awhile, things had been happening so quickly, what with the party and dealing with Kai again - too quickly, that he was left breathless and just could not manage to find the time anymore to indulge in what he once considered his favourite past time. But things were falling into place by themselves now, and maybe, it was time to relax a little.
He would not think about the fact this relationship with Kai - wait. What relationship? Rei bit back a bitter laugh.
He needed to stop dwelling in the past, and just let go of things that were not meant to happen. Stuff like that you could not change it to suit however you wanted history to be written. You just could not. Besides, he needed a break from thinking about him.
-
When the stars shine their brightest and everyone else is sound asleep, I lie awake, alone. My thoughts come in black and white, and all that runs through my mind is you. You, you, you. And though you may not be aware of it, you own me, completely.
-
"Rei." Bryan began, surprising Rei out of his contemplative reverie.
"Yeah?"
Bryan heaved a deep sigh.
"Some things," he began. No that was not right. He could not begin like that. It was too awkward.
"Certain people -" That would not do either.
Bryan decided then that discretion could be shot to hell for all he cared.
He was doing this his way.
"Are you gay?" He asked abruptly.
Rei faltered in his steps. It was not so much the question as the tone in which Bryan had phrased it. He had been so calm and indifferent. Rei found it hard to believe.
Bryan glanced down at the top of Rei's head. Leaning forward to get a better view of Rei in the dim street lamps, he realised that Rei's cheeks had flared up furiously. He chuckled to himself.
"I'll take that was a yes."
Rei remained silent.
"I am, too." Bryan shrugged his shoulders.
That got a response.
The golden orbs widened and Rei's mouth dropped open.
"I...um..."
Bryan laughed, the sound coming out rough and crude, almost like he was unused to doing it. He waved his head in the air awkwardly and continued on ahead.
Rei jogged up from behind him, after he had gotten his body to start working again.
They walked on a while more, enjoying the salty sea spray that breezed across their faces.
Bryan paused in his tracks suddenly, turning to face Rei, who did the same. Then, without prior warning, Bryan bent forward, and pressed his lips to Rei's.
Rei's eyes widened much more this time, the shock filtering through him quickly. His mouth dropped open, which was not such a wise move all things considered, because Bryan leaned further in and swept his tongue roughly against Rei's before pulling back.
Rei bent over immediately, hacking away.
Though that was more for an excuse to avoid Bryan's stare, which he was certain would be aimed directly at him. When he could not pretend to be choking any longer, he stopped coughing and took deep heaving breaths instead. He could not face Bryan, not just yet anyway.
Damn it!
He did not need this, on top of everything. Not now, not ever, but especially not now, when he was still reeling from being around Kai and having the memories flood him once more.
Bryan had absolutely no right to go ahead and do that without his permission. He had no right to make things more confusing than they already were.
"What was that for?" Rei frowned, the indignation in his voice coming out rougher than he had intended it to.
"You didn't enjoy it, did you?"
His tone was so calm, so collected, so damn expressionless that Rei turned an incredulous glare at him, straightening up.
Bryan went on, locking eyes with Rei to get his full attention. He need not have bothered.
"We are both unattached. That kiss would have been perfectly fine, if not for the fact that you already have someone else in mind. No one's kiss besides his would be allowed by you. No one except him can hit straight to your heart, and make you feel the way you do, the way you want to. No one could rile you up the way he can.
"These things don't need to be voiced out Rei. It's there, whether you like it or not, whether it's welcomed or not, whether you're prepared for it, and you know it.
"You damn well know it Rei. You know what I'm talking about, and you know who I'm talking about."
Bryan took a deep breath. He rarely spoke, and when he did, it was usually in monosyllables.
"Go get him. You know both of you want it. Do it. Do it now, before it's too late."
Then he strode away, his strides as long as he could make them without him actually breaking into a run.
Damn if this wasn't tearing him apart.
-
Turning on my heel and making to walk away from you was somehow harder than I had ever imagined. My legs feel like lead, and moving would be detrimental to my welfare. I try to, anyway. I stumble.
-
Rei turned the bolt as quietly as he could, not wanting to make any noise. Leaning his weight against the door, he stepped into the room cautiously, eyes darting around, searching the room for a familiar figure.
He closed the door behind him just as silently before making towards the balcony, certain that he would find his ex-captain there.
Sure enough, Kai was standing just before the barrister, his head tilted slightly as he gazed upwards at the night sky. A breeze swept through the area, sending a slight shiver down Rei's spine, teasing his fringe as it trailed along.
Do something. Convince me. Make me stay.
Kai chose that moment to turn and face him, the seriousness of his stare wiping away any traces of the tentative smile that had been on his face.
He took a deep breath. He was not going to blow it this time. They were adults now, not teenagers, and with seven years between them, he would not hold anything back, but tell him the absolute truth. They were civilised people, and not one voice would be raised to a ye- did Kai just turn his back on him!
"Did you just turn your back on me? Oh no you don't, Kai freaking Hiwatari! You don't just turn your back on people who are trying to get the courage to fix a mistake that you made seven years ago, which is much more than I can say for what you are doing!" His eyes flashed dangerously, and unconsciously, his fist balled tightly and his foot took a definite step forward.
"My mistake, Rei? Who was the one who upped and left in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye to my face? What was it? Were you too cowardly or scared to face me? Is that it?" Kai's tone was as smooth as ever, and one would have thought him calm and composed if not for the glare in his eyes and the aggressive stride towards Rei.
"What? I left a letter didn't I? And yes – your mistake. You slapped me Kai. You fucking slapped me! Oh I'm so sorry I didn't take that as an invitation to stay, because I forgot that everyoneknows slapping means everything is just fine and dandy, and it is common etiquette to slap people you like!" Seething, he moved closer to yell in Kai's face.
"A letter that I only got at the last minute? I tried to get to you, but you think I can outrun a plane? I said I was sorry, but you didn't stop to listen, did you, because you just ran out of the house, kicking up a big fuss about the matter. That is just so like you Rei.
"And think about it. I would have granted you permission to go back and visit China had you actually listened to me before that and given me the fucking chance to explain myself."
"Just like me? Just like me? Well excuse me for making a fuss out of being slapped because people like you probably slap others all the time, don't they? People like you, people with ice for hearts and masks for faces."
"Rei."
"And you started it by assuming I lied about staying up with Mariah so stop being a hypocrite by saying I didn't give you the fucking chance to explain because you started it!"
"Rei."
"And last minute? I didn't know you'd be so stupid not to get the letter because that day was the day you should have changed the bed sheets but I bet you didn't know that because I always do it!"
"Rei."
"What!"
"Shut up."
And how could Kai resist, with emotions coursing through him and after seven years that felt like an eternity, with Rei directly beneath him, breathless and charged up like that. Kai let his eyes close slowly as he leaned down, his lips drawing closer and closer, and gaping opening suddenly in a howl.
"What the fuck? Did you just step on my foot!"
"Yes I did. Don't tell me to shut up, okay? No one tells me to sh-mmphh"
-
Sometimes, the thought flashes through my mind, and I push it away hurriedly, because such a line of thought is akin to taboo. Sometimes though, I entertain that thought a little longer than usual, because it is difficult not to. Sometimes, I wish that we never met, because now I have got my heart set on you.
-
Kai, years of pent up frustration dominating his mind, had chosen to shut Rei up himself rather than telling him, by claiming his lips rather thoroughly. Seven years, three months and fifteen days - there was nothing tentative about the kiss.
Rei pulled away suddenly, pushing back against Kai with his hands. Amber eyes flashed warningly.
"Don't you ever dare do that again Hiwatari."
Kai felt his chest constrict.
"Don't you dare let me go just like that. Never try to pull anything like that ever again. Do you understand me Kai Hiwatari?"
If that was what Rei was getting all worked up about, then his worries were unfounded. Kai had no intention of being that stupid once more.
"I swear Kai, that if you do, I'll never-"
He never found out what would happen to him otherwise, but that did not matter, because it would never happen.
"Trust me Rei," he whispered into the stunned silence, taking away his finger from Rei's lips. "It'll never happen again. I promise. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry." Kai placed a kiss on his forehead.
"I'm sorry." A kiss on his cheek.
"I'm sorry." On his lips.
"I'm sorry." Neck.
Rei detached himself from Kai, placing his head against his chest, fringe tickling Kai's chin.
"Remember that night we first met after so long? Remember what you said? It wasn't jealousy Kai."
"Nnn..."
"Do you know why?"
"Why?"
"Because you're mine."
Ahh...well, that was true enough, even if Kai failed to see the logic behind the statement.
-
I try to push the memory of you from my mind, knowing that the longer you stay, the tougher it would be for me to clear it, the harder I would take the inevitable rejection, the more I want to brand you as mine.
I try to forget, but it isn't as easy as it should be.
-
As if to ascertain what he had stated, Rei grabbed Kai's chin, pulling him down as he leaned upwards to meet him in a kiss. Lips moved against each other before parting, and Kai pushed his tongue into Rei's mouth, feeling teeth scraping against it before lapping at Rei's tongue. Rei's hands moved from his chin to around his neck, clasping together and tugging Kai closer as Kai's fingers stole around the neko-jin's waist, sitting rather comfortably there.
Finally, for need of air, they broke apart, leaning upon each other in silence. Kai tugged at Rei, leading him into the room and sliding the balcony door shut. He pushed Rei gently against the wall and stepped back so he could see him properly.
"Rei?" Kai whispered, right hand brushing softly against his locks.
"Hm?"
Kai's hands held down both his shoulder, crimson robs staring with utmost seriousness, forcing Rei to look him in the eye.
"I didn't mean to get angry with you. I didn't mean to hurt you in any way."
"Hm."
The grip tightened.
"Rei. Believe me. I didn't mean it. I thought I was protecting you from Mariah, because I thought she was after you, and I knew she could not give you complete happiness."
"Oh, and you can?" There was the slightest hint of a tease playing on his tone, and Rei had the beginnings of a smile on his lips.
But Kai had never dropped his serious gaze.
There was a pause. Kai took a deep breath.
"I can."
He knew that one did not forget friendships being torn apart, knew that acerbic words pierced deep into your very being left a scar that never healed.
The bond he and Rei once shared would not be as it was. It would have to be pieced together carefully, fragments fitting like those of a jigsaw puzzle, to create a perfect picture. It would take much time and much effort.
He wasn't stupid.
But this - this was a start. A good start. A start that Kai would make sure saw an end. The first pieces of the puzzle had been put together.
Who knew? Perhaps, maybe, just maybe, he would defy the impossible, and heal the scar he created.
He would see the puzzle through completion.
Just as Kai leaned forward to continue from where they had left off, furious pounding on the door made him jerk away in irritation and head quickly over to the door, flinging it open with annoyance in expression and a growl in his tone.
"What."
If Tyson had been one to think about his well being, he would have stepped away as fast as he could and sprinted straight back for the lifts. As it was, he peered past Kai like he did not exist, straining to see into the darkened interior of the room.
"Whoa."
If it had just been Tyson, Kai would have handled it just fine. He could probably have smacked him on the head and shot a glare that screamed 'scram' and Tyson would have gone. But against Tyson, Max, Tala, Bryan, and what seemed to be just about every single prying lunatic involved with the BBA, even Kai Hiwatari would be stunned for a moment. A roar went up as Kai appeared in the door frame, tall and imposing. He felt mortified that he actually knew these idiots.
"You are correct. Rei isn't dead. Seven years is the longest they could stand. This party has been their downfall. Man, for amazing mental prowess, I gladly give up my ten bucks." Tyson slapped said amount into Tala's outstretched hand.
Tala managed to shoot a grin and raise an eyebrow at him before the door was rather rudely slammed in his face.
Sometimes, we make mistakes that change our lives.
Kai spun on his feet, muttering heavily under breath about dim-witted fools who had nothing better to do than stick their overgrown noses in other people's business.
Mistakes whose implications we really feel after everything has been said and done.
And Rei was laughing at him, damn it. He wasn't allowed to laugh.
Mistakes that make us really hate ourselves.
Kai made sure that laughing of any sort would be the last thing on Rei's mind when he grabbed him again, fusing his body against his.
Mistakes that make us wish we could turn back the hands of a clock, go back into the past, just to do it all again, differently.
And sometimes, for some lucky people, they do get the opportunity to correct that mistake. They do get that chance.
One more chance.
With both of them occupied, none of them had any idea where they were heading.
One last chance.
Kai's legs hit the board of the bed and, entangled in one another, they tumbled into it.
-
End Chapter Nine
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End One Last Chance