(October 06, 2005) I'm finally posting chapter two. YAY. This chapter is shorter than I thought it was... But I know why, it's cuzit was too long for its own good and I had to cut it, I think... Maybe that's the next chapter... I dunno. I can't keep track of my own stories... Gad...
Thank you for all your wonderful refoos, people. As usual, I was correct. They inspired me to kick my ass into gear and work on this story.

Warnings: Unecessary, extensive use of the term 'cock sucker.' Hiei being perhaps more OOC than usual. You'll have to look out for that in this story, it happens.

Also, this story will teach you how to count to some unknown number in Japanese. The chapters are numbered in Japanese. Ichi, ni...

CHAPTER NI
Why Did You Kidnap My Sandwich?

The black screen that was hanging from the ceiling finally did something other than hang there silently. Again, the Sesshoumaru-fanatic girl appeared.

"Okay," she said authoritively, eyes closed as she acted high and mighty. "We've figured out why you slutty girls are in here." She opened her eyes and shrieked.

Shadow was sleeping on Sesshoumaru's lap. Sesshy himself was asleep sitting up. The other girl was no where in sight. Yusuke, Karasu, and several others were laying around sleeping.

"WAKE UP!" she whined. Sesshoumaru stirred and opened his eyes.

"You again," he stated plainly.

"Yes, me again, baby. I figured out why those two girls are there and bothering you."

"Don't call me baby."

"I'm sorry dear. Now--"

Sesshoumaru sighed. He'd been through this once before. Fanatics like that were worse than Shadow and Eclipse. At least those two didn't expect him to be their sweet and loving husband or whatever. ... They just hung all over him and hugged him and called him 'Fluffy.'

"Why are we here?" Roy interrupted.

"Why?" The girl on the screen became confused. "Because you're bishounen, of course."

One eyebrow raised slightly. "So?"

"Then why are these two girls here?" Ed asked, pointing at Shadow.

"I was getting to that before somebody interrupted me!"

"Why did you kidnap wolves? Why did you kidnap Karasu?" Shadow interrogated, clinging to the screen that was actually up about ten feet abover her head. "Why did you kidnap--"

"MY SANDWICH?" Eclipse asked accusingly, flying out of nowhere and clinging to a second screen.

"GET OFF THE SCREEN!" the abductor girl screamed. "THEY'RE BISHOUNEN!"

"My sandwich wasn't," Eclipse said pathetically, dropping to the floor. "It was actually pretty ugly."

"I'm not a bishounen," Shadow snapped. "I'm a girl! Look at these!" She pointed to her chest, and fell right off the screen, landing on top of Koga.

"Oww!" he whined. She jumped up and glared at the girl on the screen.

"Well, fanatic? What's your explanation? Why am I here unstead of at home with my boyfriend?"

"There was a small error in our research. History has no records of you. The show Yu Yu Hakusho never had a girl like you on it. Hiei did not have a girlfriend. But upon further research, we discovered where you come from. A girl named 'Shadow Jaganshi' wrote fanfics most of her teenage life, before going insane and attempting to take over the universe. She was launched into outer space in 2008 and was last known to have started a small colony on Pluto."

Shadow blinked. "What year are you from?"

"2015," the girl on the screen said. "It's May 14, 2015."

Shadow started counting on her fingers. "You mean somewhere in the world right now, there's a 27 year old me wandering around?"

Eclipse came flying out of nowhere again. "Me too! There's a 27 year old me wandering around! And a 28 year old Kurama! I wonder if we have kids! I wonder if we were going to and I killed them!"

"Does Kurama want kids? I don't picture him as settling down and starting a family," Shadow said randomly.

"Nah, I don't think he does. His Youko side and all, y'know. That's okay, cuz if we had kids I'd sell them on eBay."

"I'm considering having kids purely for that reason," the other girl said.

"To sell them on eBay?"

"Yeah! I bet I could make a fortune selling demon human hybrids to the government. Or the black market."

"On ebay?"

"Or I could just sell them to the Black Market for slave uses, y'know?"

"But Hiei doesn't want kids at all, does he?"

"No. Probably just cuz he doesn't want to have to put up with me being fat for 9 months and getting all screwed up with the hormones and mood swings and cravings for pickles and ramen at 3 in the morning."

"He probably doesn't want you to get stretch marks."

"Oh yes. That too. They'd marr my perfect beauty."

Zap!

Shadow and Eclipse vanished from the white room and found themselves in something similar to a dungeon.

"HELL!" Shadow shrieked.

There was a guy standing there with a whip.

"Hell is right," he said.

A window appeared out of nowhere and Shadow ran screaming and jumped out it. Eclipse followed. They plummetted downwards from the ceiling and slammed into the floor of the white room.

"What the hell was that!" Yusuke snapped.

"DOOM!" Shadow cheered. "That guy was gonna whip me!"

"But you'd like that!" Karasu teased. Shadow punched him on her way over to the screen, where a baffled girl was standing.

"What the hell did you do!" she cried. "He was supposed to beat you to death!"

"I used my powers of doom! Surely you bothered to READ Shadow's fics, didn't you?"

"No..."

"Well you suck so much ass it's not even funny."

"Hey!" Yusuke said excitedly. "Can you use your doom to get us out of here?"

"Nope!" she said without a second's hesitation. "Cuz that'd be useful!"

"I hate you," he muttered.

"I know... I know..."

Most of the people in the room had no idea what was going on, but that didn't matter.

The girl on the screen cleared her throat. "So as I was saying," she pressed on, "we didn't know about either of you sluts and we made an error in our calculations because of that. We didn't know we needed to have perfect exact coordinates. We didn't think there would be anyone so close to either Hiei or Kurama when we brought them here that we'd need to zero in on their exact ki signatures and everything."

"You can't even do that," Shadow scoffed. "You're human."

"We have TECHNOLOGY!"

Shadow shrugged. "So do I! It's called a gun!" She yanked a gun out of her shorts and shot at the screen. The bullets bounced off and hit anything in the way. Luckily, they were rubber bullets, so they didn't kill anyone.

"You'll regret existing when we're through with you!" the girl on the screen whined.

"My existence isn't my fault!" Shadow snapped. Though, the authoress seems to think it is... "It's my parents! They had sex and I was born! Then they died! So where did that leave me!"

"Nobody cares!"

Shadow zoomed over to Sesshoumaru and hugged him. "Fluffy cares!"

The fanatic on the screen fumed, then the screen went black.

"Get off me!" Sesshoumaru snapped.

"Can I sit on your lap?"

"No."

Shadow huffed away. "Fine! I'll go sit on Tsume's lap! He's wearing leather!" The second the words left her mouth, Tsume dropped his human disguise. You can't very well sit on a wolf's lap, can you? She pouted and glanced around, then zoomed over and sat on Miroku's lap.

"He'll let me," she said, sticking her tongue out at Sesshoumaru. "He likes me more than you do."

"Yes, he does," the demon lord agreed. Eclipse let out a squeal, zoomed over, and plopped down on Sesshoumaru's lap without asking permission. He growled irritably. She hugged him and pet his head like a dog.

"I love you, Fluffy. Are you going to rip me limb from limb?"

"I might."

"Awwww..."

He groaned. "I hate you."

"So you've said," Shadow pointed out. "Can I camp in your sleeve?"

"No."

"Can I... have a party in your sleeve?"

"No."

She zoomed over without a word and jumped down his sleeve. He yipped, then growled with annoyance. Then his eyes got wide. Inuyasha was watching with interest and curiosity.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," Sesshoumaru growled. His left arm withdrew into his sleeve where Shadow was and she yelped and ducked as he nearly elbowed her in the head. "Get out!"

"No!" she chirped happily.

"Now!" he snarled.

"But your skin is so smooooooth!"

"Shadow..." Yusuke muttered. "What are you doing?"

"Fluffy's pretty!" Eclipse sang. "Fluffy's pretty, Fluffy's pretty!"

"Nothin'," Shadow answered.

"She's touching me," Sesshoumaru muttered.

"Shadow, you're humiliating Sesshoumaru," Yusuke said. "You should stop."

Eclipse continued singing, "Fluffy's pretty! Fluffy's pretty! Fluffy's pretty!"

Shadow sighed. "Fine, I'll stop harassing Sesshoumaru... even though it's so much fun. He gets mad too easily." She popped out of his sleeve and grabbed Eclipse, flinging her across the room. She slammed into Saitou and knocked him over. Shadow didn't give her a second glance as she took her place on Sesshoumaru's lap like she hadn't just done that. "You need to relax, Fluffy!"

"Stop calling me that."

"You need to unwind!"

"Leave me alone."

"Hiei used to be a jerk like you."

"Are you calling me a jerk?"

"Yes. He used to be like you, then he met me. So my goal for our stay in this here place is to make you CHILL OUT!"

"Stop shouting!"

"Want a massage? I can give you a massage. You'll relax then. It'll really help. I'm really good at massages. Hiei says so."

"I don't give a damn about what Hiei says."

"Are you sure you don't want a massage? You want me to be your slave? I'll feed you and love you and do everything for you."

Eclipse, who'd gotten up off Saitou (more like 'had been shoved off and nearly Gatotsu-ed, only to have Kenshin and Sanosuke save her'), now grabbed Shadow's ponytail and swung her around in a full circle a few times, then flung her across the room. She plowed over Hiro, Koga, and Kiba on her way to the wall, which she slammed into and stuck on like glue. Acting like she hadn't just injured her best friend and three hot guys, Eclipse sat down on Fluffy's lap.

"Ignore her," she purred, stroking his chest with one finger. "She's retarded. I'm much more relaxing than her."

Sesshoumaru flopped backwards and laid down with his arms flung out. "I hate you both equally."

"But I can help you relax!" Eclipse chirped, straddling his waist and laying on him so their faces were equal.

There was a war cry from across the room and Shadow came running and screaming. She lunged to do a bodyslam, then yelped when she realized she'd smash Fluffy as well. Using her small brain, she sailed right over him, caught herself with her hands, and flipped to her feet. She ran and kicked Eclipse off him, sending her plowing into Yusuke, then Shadow lunged over Fluffy and Yusuke and bodyslammed Eclipse. Eclipse, of course, screeched in agony and they started snarling and hissing and beating each other up. After a few seconds of rolling around scratching and strangling, they simultaneously leapt to their feet a few feet apart and lunged at each other in random kicks and punches that totally accidentally ended up blocking each other (their policy when fighting each other: No defense, all offense. Thus, blocking hits was accidental).

In the process of them mauling each other, they knocked over Inuyasha, Miroku, Sano, Ed, Roy, Karasu, and nearly smashed Tsume altogether, but him and his wolfy agility dodged them. Only to have Eclipse flung at him and land on top of him. Oh well. Better than being entirely flattened by two girls hell bent on murdering each other without a thought in the world of anything else.

Well, almost anything else. They nearly plowed over Yuki, and when they realized this, quickly apologized and were instantly across the room killing each other so they wouldn't maul him. Lucky Yuki.

However, unlucky Aoshi was across the room from lucky Yuki. But it turned out he wasn't all that unlucky anyways. Right in the middle of nearly killing each other, both of them lunged over and hugged him.

"You have the same last name as me!" Eclipse cheered. Then she jumped back and ran away singing. Shadow tore off after her and tackled her face first into the ground.

"Well if nothing else, they're entertaining," Sano said, nursing a bruise on his chest from when he was plowed into.

"They're stupid," Ed pouted.

The girls were on him in a second. "What!"

"What'd you say shorty?" Eclipse asked.

"Really!" Shadow backed up.

"You're so short I have to bend over to look you in the eye! And I'm short!"

"Yeah shorty!" Shadow said, shoving Eclipse and redirecting her insults towards the other girl. "You midget!"

"Oh, shut the hell up! You're like, two inches taller than me," Eclipse snapped.

"Fuck you!"

"Bitch!"

"Hoe!"

"Whore!"

"Slut!"

"Skank!"

"Dick!"

"Hey, now that's over the edge! I'm a girl! Calling me a hoe and all that is fine, but I don't have a dick!"

"I didn't say you did," Shadow said. "I said you were one."

"That's worse. Dicks are ugly."

"And you would know."

"SO WOULD YOU! COCK SUCKER!" Eclipse shrieked.

"Have you forgotten you admitted your little sin to me?"

"No! But you've done it more than me!"

"Says who? How should I know that for sure?"

"I only did it once! You've probably been giving Hiei blowjobs every night since school ended!"

"Have not!" Shadow snapped.

"Well you've done it more than once and that's all that matters!"

"SO! You're still a cock sucker, even if you've only done it once! So stop complaining, cock sucker!"

"You're a cock sucker! Shut up!"

"So we're BOTH cock suckers! Let's just stop arguing about it!"

There was a pause where both of them glared with clenched fists and evil eyes, then they both grinned stupidly.

"YAY! Cock suckers unite!" They linked arms and started skipping around singing. They skipped over to Karasu and linked arms with him. "Come on, cock sucker!"

"I am not!" he whined.

They let go and jumped back in unison.

"What!"

"You mean you're a virgin?"

"Then how are you so gay?"

"You are not a virgin!"

"No you're not!"

"You had an affair with little Toguro!"

"And big Toguro!"

"And Bui!"

"And Sakyo!"

"And... and... some other guys!"

Karasu sniffled. "You're evil."

"YEP!" they cried in unison. Then they linked arms and kept skipping.

Hiei and Kurama, meanwhile, were sulking around in Shadow's house. Kurama had made tea (something Shadow never did. In fact, he'd had to ransack the kitchen to even find any), which he'd intended to drink, but was now staring at without much appetite.

There was a knock on the door.

Neither moved.

The knocking got more persistent.

"GUYS? ARE YOU IN THERE?"

It was Kuwabara. Hiei was staring at his tea cup so intensely that the tea was boiling. Kurama's tea had been cold for about ten minutes. He was staring at his reflection. It looked pathetically sad. Kokuei was sitting at the table as well, her head resting on it as her eyes roved from Hiei's miserable face to Kurama's.

"GUYS!"

The door opened. After a minute, Kuwabara appeared in the doorway. "Oh, you guys are here! Thank God. Is Yusuke here?"

No response. "Guys? What's wrong?"

Hiei's tea cup exploded and he slammed his fist down on the broken shards. Very intelligent. "Dammit!" he snapped angrily. Then he looked at his hand and wrist. "Dammit..."

"Okay, what's wrong!" Kuwabara snapped, taking the seat Kokuei had abandoned hastily at Hiei's outburst.

Hiei watched the blood running down his arm and sighed. Kurama's eyes finally left his tea to stare at Hiei's wounds. "You should bandage those."

"Yeah."

Kuwabara stared at them. "Where's Shadow and Eclipse?"

"We don't know," Hiei said.

"You don't know?"

"Nope."

Hiei started licking his wounds.

"Don't do that," Kurama snapped. "Come on." He got up.

"I don't know where Yusuke is, either," Kuwabara told them, standing up as Hiei did.

"Really?" Kurama asked, finally sounding a little interested.

"Yeah. I was hoping you knew."

"We hardly care at the moment," Hiei said, following Kurama downstairs. Kuwabara trailed after them, as did Kokuei, who'd been acting oddly clingy since Hiei had started sulking.

"So... Why would they be gone? Where would they go?"

"They've totally vanished," Hiei said plainly. He pulled his headband off and closed his eyes as the Jagan opened. After a minute, he said, "So has Yusuke."

"Well maybe you just can't see them."

Hiei rounded on the human. "What?"

"I mean, couldn't they have their ki masked or something and be hiding from you or something? I mean, where would they have gone that they could be totally gone from you seeing them!"

"Makai. Reikai. Another dimension."

"Why would Urameshi go to another dimension?"

"I don't know. Maybe Shadow kidnapped him," Hiei said, not particularly caring about Yusuke.

"I wouldn't put it past her."

Hiei glared at Kuwabara, then went the rest of the way into the infirmary. He sat down on the bed Kurama pointed to as the redhead gathered medical supplies to clean up the multiple rather deep gashes that were spilling blood down his arm.

"Wow... That looks really nasty," Kuwabara noted, examining Hiei's hand and arm. "Doesn't that hurt?"

"Not really. Leave me alone."

"... Okay... You're really bummed, aren't you?"

Hiei looked at him. "How would you feel if Yukina went back to Makai and refused to contact you?"

"She would never do such a thing!"

"Shut up and answer the question."

"Well... I'd be heartbroken."

"Exactly. And she's not even your girlfriend."

"Yes she is!"

"No she's not. Shut up."

"I hate you, Hiei!"

"Join the club!" the fire demon snapped.

Kokuei barked angrily at them.

"Shut up!" Hiei snapped at her. She jumped up on the bed next to him and licked his face. He sighed. "Fine, sorry... stupid mutt."

She glared.

"Why do you talk to your dog?" Kuwabara asked.

"Because she understands it," Hiei replied, scratching Kokuei's ears.

"She does?"

"Yeah," he said, watching Kurama wrap bandages around his wrist.

"Prove it."

"Kokuei, go get my sword from my bedroom," he said. The dog jumped down and left the room. Kuwabara's eyes widened a bit.

"That doesn't prove anything."

"No shit. She's still on her way up there, stupid."

By the time Kurama was finished bandaging Hiei's cuts, the dog was back with Hiei's sword held between her teeth so lightly it didn't even leave marks on the sheath.

"Thank you," he said, clipping it to his belt and looking pointedly at Kuwabara. "See?"

"That's scary."

"Yes. Now we're going to Reikai to have a little chat with Koenma."

"We are?"

"Yes. Now." Hiei got up and left. Kurama followed without hesitation. Kokuei looked at Kuwabara with her two-tone eyes narrowed, then jumped down from the bed and followed them. Kuwabara scrambled after her.

"Kuchibiru to kuchibiru me to me to te to te, Kami-sama wa nanimo kinshi nanka shitenai," Shadow sang, then Eclipse joined in, "Aishite'ru, aishite'ru, aishite'ru!" Eclipse continued the song alone, "Atashi mada koritenai otona ja wakan'nai--"

Of course, they were singing loudly after their captors had declared it 'lights out' and turned the lights out. So they were sitting on either side of Sesshoumaru, holding his arms around them, singing One Half from Rurouni Kenshin while everybody was trying to sleep. The only ones so far to succeed were Yusuke and Sanosuke.

"Sesshoumaru..." Inuyasha growled. "Do something about them!"

There was a short pause. "I was considering it," he stated. "But then you asked, so I changed my mind."

It wasn't hard to pinpoint locations from voices, so Inuyasha got up and started in the general direction he heard the singing from. Granted, it echoed everywhere in the seemingly endless room, but from Sesshoumaru's voice, he figured out where they were. There was absolutely zero light in the room, so he couldn't see squat.

He reached out hesitantly when he felt he was close to his brother, and put his hand on the top of his head. "Ha!"

"Remove your hand before I remove it for you," he heard his brother's cold voice say. He obeyed, grinning, and squatted down reaching out to each side, using his best judgement, and clamped his hands over each Shadow and Eclipse's mouths.

They bit him.

"OW!"

Then they started swearing in English at him.

Then Sesshoumaru clamped his hands over their mouths and they silenced instantly and did not bite him or swear or struggle.

Next thing he knew, they were snoring.

There was a collective sigh from everyone awake.

I love "One Half" and Rurouni Kenshin and have no affiliation with them, their creators, their characters, their settings, their names, dates, ages, mothers, brothers, sisters, cousins, dogs, cats, aunts, uncles, cockroaches, et cetera. The same goes for everything else in this story, except Shadow and Eclipse and Kokuei and all the fanatical obsessive people.

I think I'm gonna write a narrative for creative writing (due tomorrow, had all week to work on it, brain pooped and couldn't think)... about Shadow... I shall tell everyone how insane I am and she is. I shall tell of her birth, and her, uh... un-death... Cuz she ain't gonna die for quite some time if she has any say.
And, unlike most mortals, she does.

-SJ