12-13-05

Johnny opened the book of children's Christmas stories with a look akin to the utmost horror and revulsion. Bright pictures and happy prose assaulted him from every direction, and he had the sudden urge to kill a department store Santa. The voice of Antoinette brought him back from his musings before he could act upon them.

"Nny? Why must we participate in this mindless holiday tradition? I don't want to read 'Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.'"

"There's a lot nobody ever tells you about that story, you know," commented Devi, who was perched delicately on the arm of the sofa.

"Really?" queried Antoinette. "Like what?"

"Well," she grinned, "let's pull out the trusty old book of bedtime stories and find out?"

RUDOLPH 2.0

Rudolph was always a timid little reindeer. He wanted nothing more than to be accepted, but he was always too shy to talk to anyone. It didn't really help his social life to have a giant, glowing red nose, either.

Rudolph got picked on a lot. Not just for his nose, either. What was worse was his NAME. Dasher and Donner were the worst.

"You've got a stupid name!" they'd shout, cavorting around and nipping at his ankles. "Rudolph is a stupid name!"

Rudolph tried to ignore it, but the taunts finally got to him. His parents checked him into the suicide ward of the local veterinary clinic after he tried to O.D. on mistletoe.

It was from his hospital bed that he viewed the dreaded fog coming in on Christmas Eve.

"How can we take off in this horrible fog?" mourned Santa, staring forlornly out into the mist.

"Maybe Rudolph can light the way with that giant nose of his," sniggered Dasher.

"Excellent idea!" exclaimed Santa. "Get him out here!"

Rudolph was led out of the clinic, eyes wild. Santa pointed at the sleigh and murmured something about needing his help to fly the sleigh. For you see, even Santa wasn't very fond of Rudolph. He was just a bit too odd, that one.

But Rudolph didn't care. Finally, a chance to prove himself! He made his way to the head of the team and successfully lit the way for Santa to deliver presents to the children of the world.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until the next day, anyway.

Rudolph woke up the next morning, excited for the first time in his life to go out among the other reindeer. Surely they would accept him now! He had single-handedly saved Christmas!

But they ignored him when he tried to talk, and they butted him out of their games once again. He sat down, dejected, in a corner to mull things over. A passing reindeer kicked him in the head, and something snapped.

Rudolph quietly made his way to the only shop in town where weaponry could be purchased. Discreetly, he picked out a small arsenal of guns and knives, finishing off with a good selection of explosives. He paid for them on his father's credit card, then left the store.

What followed was the most terrifying 4 hours in the community's living memory. Rudolph gunned down everything in sight, living or non, leaving the city in shambles. Everywhere there were corpses, and trails of blood mixed with the ashen snow on the ground.

Finally, Rudolph cornered Dasher and Donner in an empty house. The two begged for mercy, sniveling and whining about how they'd never do it again and please spare them. Rudolph glared at them, and they fell silent.

"This is for making fun of my nose," he growled, shooting Donner in the leg.

"This is for making fun of my name."

Dasher screamed as a bullet tore through his abdomen.

"This is for ignoring me."

Donner's front legs snapped with the impact of a single shot.

"This is for making me go suicidal."

Dasher choked up blood, and another shot went into his shoulder.

Rudolph unsheathed two daggers and leaned closer to the squirming bodies. He smiled, and his eyes turned the color of his nose.

"And this is for being assholes to me and all the other misfits."

Donner and Dasher went still as the blades parted their skulls and pinned them to the wall.

…

And Rudolph lived happily ever after.

-the end-

"I liked that story," giggled Antoinette.

"Where did you get that book, Devi?" asked Johnny, staring at its worn pages in sudden interest.

"Oh, I picked it up from the bookstore a long time ago. It was in the 'children's horror' section. 'Deviant Fairy Tales,' I think it was called."

"I'll have to pick that up sometime," murmured Johnny.

"Let's open presents!" cried Antoinette, clasping her hands together in excitement.

"It's only Christmas Eve," Devi pointed out. "Are you sure you want to open them now?"

"Yes!" squealed Annette.

"Okay, I suppose you can open a few of them tonight," sighed Johnny in mock-surrender.

"Yay!"

Johnny watched Annette tear into her gifts with a small smile. It made him feel all warm inside to see such innocence in a child. Annette's exclamations over a new katana did nothing to diminish the feeling.