Disclaimer: I don't own Teen Titans. If I did there would be a sixth season.
I've been told many times how lucky I am. Lucky to have been brought up by Bruce Wayne, the Batman; lucky to have such a great team; lucky to get lots of attention from the media. I've been told many times that I'm lucky to constantly be surrounded by people that care about what I do, and that care about me. But to be honest, I've always felt alone.
When I was ten my parents died. I watched them fall to their deaths and as the bodies were covered up felt a shadow form over me that has never left. For the first time I felt completely alone.
I had the good fortune to be taken in by Bruce Wayne, and the equally good fortune to be taken in by Batman. In Bruce I gained a father figure and someone I could always count on. In Batman I gained an instructor who taught me the ground rules for much of what I know today. But in all those years I never felt like I was a part of something larger. I never felt like I was part of a real family. In that huge mansion, in Wayne Manor, I felt alone.
I left when I was fifteen. I left Wayne Manor, left Gotham, and left the prefix of 'Batman and-.' It felt good to be free of Batman's shadow, but before I met the team I was, yet again, truly alone.
The day the team was formed was one of the happiest of my life. In Cyborg, Starfire, Raven, and Beast Boy I found what I had found in Bruce but on a level my own age. I found family, trust, love, and I found my place. For the first time since I was ten, I didn't feel alone. But good things can't- and won't- last forever.
I remember the first time I heard Slade's name. It sounded so clipped, so cold. I
had no idea how much worse it was going to become.
A few months after I realized what Slade was capable of I formed a plan, and I made the brilliant decision not to tell anyone else about it. I created an alter-ego; I'm sure I don't have to tell you I'm talking about Red X. To summarize, I did something bad to achieve something good. Of course, I was figured out by none other than the two people I needed the most to keep it from: Slade and Starfire. After I fought Slade I put the mask away. Again, I don't need to tell you that it didn't stay hidden away for long, but that's another story. After I became Red X that old feeling came back. Again, I was alone. But for the first time, it was completely my fault.
I'll preface what I'm about to tell you by saying this: I should have been more careful. I shouldn't have alienated myself from friends. I shouldn't have fought Cinderblock by myself. I shouldn't have gone to find Slade on my own. But I did. And I ended up alone. I ended up an apprentice. I watched my life slip away before my eyes as I realized what my existence had come to. I felt cold; colder than ever before, and I felt stranded. But what kept me going more than anything was the knowledge that somewhere out there the people I cared about where still alive, and that there was still a chance I could return to them. If I slipped up that chance would be destroyed and then I would truly be alone. So I waited. And my team figured everything out. So everything turned out alright… I guess. It's hard to forget something like that. It's hard to forgive something like that.
I didn't forgive and I certainly didn't forget. So the next time I found myself alone it's no wonder that Slade had something to do with it. Dust. That's all it was. Dust is what separated me from my team more than anything else ever has. More than being Slade's apprentice did. Because at least when I had to work for him I knew I was still sane. But with the dust… I wasn't so sure of anything anymore. I saw Slade everywhere. I fought him, three times. I lost twice and almost lost a third time. And that whole time I was alone. It's not even entirely figurative. I did threaten my team and lose control, but that whole time, Slade wasn't there.I was alone.
I guess the last time I've really felt this way was after the prophecy was fulfilled. All I remember from when Raven became the portal is this bright white light, and I remember the sense of doom and destruction. But the next thing I remember is waking up. Waking up alone. I woke up in a world devoid of life, save for me, a half-robot, an alien, a green shape-shifter, a child half-demon, a walking skeleton, and the incarnation of all evil. So yeah, I felt pretty alone. Then, after I found the rest of my team, after I found Raven, after we destroyed Trigon, the world went back to normal. I think we all felt pretty good about it. After earth's population came back I didn't feel so alone anymore.
But I know it will happen again. I know that one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next month, maybe in a year, I'll wake up again with that feeling in my gut and that shadow hanging over me. I'll wake up and be alone. I'll wake up and no matter if I'm in an empty room or surrounded by people, I will be alone. I've faced a lot of bad guys in my time; a lot of people who wouldn't think twice about killing me or the entire population of Jump. But those guys don't scare me. Those guys I can handle. It's that cold, empty aloneness that I can't.
I don't know when or how I'm going to die, but I promise you one thing: When it happens, I will be alone.
This is not my first fic, but it's the first one I've posted. Please read and review, but no flames. Thanks!