Full (of crap) House

By yellownotepaper

Disclaimer: We the people in order to write a crappy fanfic, establish flames ensure domestic hatred, provide for the common freaks, promote the general crud and ensure pure brain damage, for ourselves and no body else to ordain and establish this fanfic, for the loony loons of America. (This is another awesome parody of the preamble to the Constitution)

Chapter Two

An exhausted Jesse leaned back into the couch, massaging his temples. Danny wondered why; Jesse had a wonderful life, what with his newborn twin children, and his beautiful wife Becky. Or so Danny thought….

"AROOOOOOOO AR AR AROOOOOOOOO" Comet howled at the moon. Then, a random hunter with a condom on their nose came by and shot Comet by accident. He died.

"Oh, sorry Comet!" the hunter said sheepishly, taking off her mask and revealing herself to be none other than MICHELLE, still wearing DJ's 50 pairs of socks to make herself appear to be 2 feet taller. She peeled them off hurriedly so that she could run over to where her dead dog was lying and cried. Then she had a sandwich.

Meanwhile, Danny was creating a miniature saliva-filled swimming pool beneath his mouth. His eyes were wide, and followed Jesse's every movement. Jesse, however, did not notice him just yet. He was too busy thinking about his wife. She had been strangely distant lately, and seemed to be avoiding him. Not that Jesse minded, of course – she was a big whiner, always complaining to him about something. Like he forgot their anniversary, or slept with another woman or some other shit that no one cares about. But Joey, Jesse thought, has been away at the same times as Becky. 'What is going on?' he thought angrily, punching the sofa absentmindedly. Then a sudden noise awoke him from his daydreaming. He turned to see Danny staring at him, a strand of drool slowly dripping from his mouth.

Danny seemed to come to himself a little bit when Jesse looked at him. He straightened abruptly, closing his mouth and stopping the steady stream of saliva from falling. "Um…" he said, his voice faltering. " I'm trying out a new cleaning technique! Drool on the floor, and then wipe it up with a mop later! It's supposed to work wonders," he said, blabbering on and on. "Mary Joan Smith of Yardley even said –"

"Shut up, Danny," said Jesses seductively, rising from his spot on the couch. Danny gulped and wet his pants as Jesses strode sexily over to where he was standing. He put a tentative hand on the small of Danny's back and pulled him close as Danny tried to hide the huge stain in his pants. He was unsuccessful.

"Danny, I love you, you know that, right? You've been a heck of a brother in law, especially since what's-her-name died. It's been hard."

"Pam?"

"What?" said Jesse blankly.

"That's the name of my dead wife- your sister!" said Danny disbelievingly.

"Oh yeah! Thanks for reminding me," exclaimed Jesse with dawning comprehension. Then, Jesse pulled away from the hug and kissed Danny passionately on the lips.

"Why'd you do that?" Danny panted breathlessly, a few seconds after they broke apart.

"For reminding me, silly!" Jesse squealed. Then Danny noticed that Jesse's nails were painted bright pink.

"AAAAH! Why'd you do that!" Danny screeched, pointing an accusing finger at his hot pink nails.

"Oh, these?" said Jesse, flaunting them in his face with a very un-manly giggle. "I thought you'd like them. They compliment my eyes so much," he added, nodding his head up and down several times.

Danny, after realizing that this was not a sick joke, said quickly, "Oh, yes, they look wonderful on you!" Although a little slow, this compliment was still under the heavy power of Jesse's kiss, and therefore was not fully awake yet. Trying to clear his mind, he went upstairs to search for money, hoping to go out for a slushie or two. Or three hundred. Same difference.

"Oh nooooooooo" Danny moaned, emptying his last jacket pocket and banging his fists on the floor.

"What is it, sexypoohpoohkins?" Jesse called up to him from the living room, his eyes fixated on the TV screen.

"I'm broke!" Danny wailed after coming downstairs from frantically searching every square inch of his room for money.

"Aw, that's okay, man. I'll still love you." Jesse assured him, kissing him on the cheek while poking his neck gently with a spork.

"Hey, Jesse?" said Danny breathlessly after their spork-related embrace.

"Yeah?" said Jesse, grabbing a nearby comb and running through his flawless hair, throwing a grin at a nearby mirror.

"How much money do you think you have in your wallet?" Danny said loudly, ignoring the swooning sounds of the mirror and trying not to sound too suggestive.

Jesse raised an aristocratic eyebrow. "Why?" he said suspiciously.

"Just curious!" Danny chirped.

"Well, I usually carry around about a thousand dollars, but sometimes more." Jesse said carelessly.

Danny's eyes widened. "Hey, you know what? I have a craving for an Icee. I'm gonna go down to the mall and get myself one. You want anything?"

"Oh, yeah, I'll have a large – "

"Sorry, they're out of that," said Danny, grabbing a coat that was lying on the kitchen table and rushing out the door. Jesse rolled his eyes and sat down on the loveseat again, changing the channel to his favorite – Perfect Omniferous Randy Nakeds. In other words, P.O.R.N.

A few hours later, Danny burst through the door; very red in the face due to the several large bags he was carrying.

"What took you so long, baby?" said Jesse, his eyes not leaving the television.

"Oh," said Danny, panting, the redness in his face not receding by being called 'baby'. "I just had to – you know – pick up some things at the mall." He shuffled away as fast as he could while attempting to carry all his bags with him, which wasn't very fast at all. "Now if you will excuse me…"

"How many things?" said Jesse, glancing over at him. "Oh," he said, his brain not yet registering how many bags Danny was carrying.

"Ok." Jesse looked back at the TV momentarily, before doing a double take. "JESUS CHRIST!" he shouted, standing up and glaring at Danny.

Danny winced. "What?" he said, going for the innocent look.

"Danny, where did you get the money for all of that?" said Jesse angrily.

"Oh," said Danny, laughing nervously. "I found some money in my pocket."

"But you're not wearing pockets!" Jesse pointed out.

"Oh, did I say pockets?" said Danny sounding surprised. "I meant up my butt." Danny shrugged. "I always get those two confused!"

"Really…." said Jesse, eyeing his trousers and smirking. "I don't remember your ass being that wide."

IN MICHELLE'S BEDROOM

Since Stephanie had left to go to the mall with a nerd from her science class, Michelle had the room all to herself. This was just the way she liked it.

Michelle still didn't know what that thing in DJ's closet was, but it was a good nose-hat.

twincest ahead

IN THE TWINS ROOM

Alex and Nicky were lying side by side in their big-boy bed after their bathie, so they were completely nakey.

"Alex, what's that?" Nicky said innocently, and pulled very hard on his pickle.

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Alex screamed for his mommy. Too bad she was violating Jesse's trust with Joey… in their bed. In retaliation, he grasped his brother's pickle and pulled harder.

"Meanie!"

They looked at each other momentarily, before Nicky stuck his you-know-what into Alex's mouth.

"Ewwie!" said Alex, trying to take it out. "It tastes funny!"

"But it feels nice!" Nicky protested. In response, Alex bit down. Hard.

Nicky made no sound, but suddenly became paralyzed, his mouth wide open as if about to say something, his left eye twitching. He began to make noises as if he could not get enough air.

"Gross!" said Alex, spitting something across the room. "I bit some off. You taste real bad," he added to Nicky as he wiped the blood off his mouth with the pristine white sheets. "I'm gonna go watch TV," he said, slamming the door. A few seconds later Nicky fell off the bed and into a pool of his own blood. Yay!

"Hey Daddy," said Stephanie as she climbed down the stairs and onto the couch.

"Hey, Steph," said Jesse, his eyes still on the television. "TOUCHDOWN!" he cried suddenly, doing a funny little queer dance on the carpet.

"Hi Stephanie," said Danny, who was obviously trying not to watch Jesse wave his fanny in his general direction but was failing terribly.

Stephanie looked at her father, and then at Jesse, wrinkling her nose. Then she looked at Danny again, her head turning the side a bit as she scrutinized him.

"Daddy…are those….spork marks?"

A:N/ I know, I know, that was kindof gross (in a really funny way) but who cares. We're making this fanfic, and NO BODY ELSE! Flames welcome. And by welcome I mean if you flame us, WE WILL STALK YOU AND KILL YOU! FOREVER!

Love,

Erin and Laur

PS: And for those who are illiterate, OMNIFEROUS means 'all kinds'