Title: Harry Potter and the Ancient God King
Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka The Evil Author
Summary: The new DADA teacher is something else. Harry and the gang want to know what.
Disclaimer: The characters and settings belong to whoever owns them. I'm just too lazy to look up who they are.
Part 9 – Punch Line
"Harry? What are you doing here?"
As soon as Harry and Professor Burkle had entered the shop, they were greeted by the Weasely twins. The store had a rather standard layout. Rows of shoulder-high shelves occupied the center of the room. Bargain bins and displays were up front. A long counter with the cash register occupied the length of wall next to the door.
As it was well after losing time, the normally raucous and spectacular displays had been turned off. Fred and George were at the counter working over a large stack of paperwork.
"It's a long story," Harry replied. "What are you guys still doing up?"
"Taxes," Fred said with a shudder. "All these rules and regulations… they're a nightmare."
"One of our fellow shopkeepers mentioned that this is nothing," George added, eyeing the teetering stack of papers. "She said that the tax laws in America are even worse."
"Merlin forbid," Fred moaned. "These make Professor Snape's classes look like rip roaring fun."
"So how'd you get all the way here from Hogwarts, Harry?" George asked, changing the subject to something infinitely more pleasant.
Harry's mind froze. He suddenly remembered that he had been out of Griffindor Tower well after curfew without a pass. Now Harry was not only out of Griffindor Tower and the school, he was all the way over in London. How was he going to explain this? Especially since Professor Burkle was right there with him and she certainly hadn't given him permission…
"Harry came with me," Professor Burkle said, interrupting Harry's runaway thoughts. Professor Burkle was in full "friendly" mode; something Harry knew was a sham. He wondered what she was up to.
"And who is this lovely creature?" Fred asked, pushing forward. In his case, his friendliness was much more genuine. "Are you Harry's new girlfriend?"
"Oh, no," Professor Burkle giggled. Giggled? The incongruity with what he knew was real made Harry's mind spin. "I'm much too old for him. I'm his DADA teacher. My name's Winifred I. Burkle. My friends call me Fred."
"Really? My name's Fred, too," Fred said, shouldering past Harry. "Nice to meet you."
"Right back at ya."
Watching Fred flirt with a teacher brought Harry mixed feelings of bemusement, muddle confusion, and downright alarm for Fred's safety.
"So what does the 'I' stand for?" Fred asked.
"My middle name," Professor Burkle replied. "Nothing important."
"Harry," George hissed, pulling Harry aside. "What are you doing bringing a teacher here?"
"We ran into some Death Eaters and other… things," Harry replied in a low whisper so as not to be overheard by the flirting Freds. "Why? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?" George echoed, aggrieved. "Don't you realize what's happening? A lot of our customers are Hogwarts students. Do you think they'll keep buying our stuff if you clue the teachers in on how they work?"
"Fred doesn't seem too concerned," Harry argued, beginning to feel really disagreeable. He'd been attacked by Death Eaters and other… things not ten minutes ago. Yet here George was more concerned about his profits that Harry's well being.
"Fred knows what he's doing," George said loftily. "He's distracting the teacher, keeping her from learning our secrets."
They turned back to the two Freds.
"…eat one half and you get a nose bleed," Fred - Fred Weasely that is - was saying. "Eat the other, and the bleeding stops!"
Harry and George glanced at each other. George had the courtesy to look embarrassed.
"Of course, that would explain Susan Bones the other day," Fred Burkle replied, nodding her head. "She had developed an unexplained nosebleed in my class."
"And you sent her to Madame Pomfrey, right?" Fred asked jovially.
"Actually no," Professor Burkle replied, smiling as if at a fond memory. She didn't notice Fred's face fall. "I used her as the subject for a First Aid class. I taught the other students non-magical methods of helping the injured." She tilted her head thoughtfully. "They were remarkably slow learners."
"Wha?" poor Fred said, bewildered.
"I have a certain number of lessons that I've set aside to teach when opportunity permits," Professor Burkle explained. Seeing Fred's confusion, she elaborated. "I teach certain lessons only if a student supplies the conditions needed for that lesson. For example, I had an student who seemed to be injured, therefore I taught a class on treating injuries."
That would explain some of the stranger classes that Harry had seen. Harry began to suspect that the real Final Exam would be nothing like the one they had in their first class. It would be worse.
And Harry had just figured out how to defeat the dragon too. Darn.
"So," Professor Burkle continued, picking up an inert Portable Swamp, "how much are these?"
"You want to buy a Portable Swamp?" George asked, seeing that Fred was still dumbstruck.
"No," Professor Burkle answered. "I want to buy everything."
"She cleaned out the store?" Ron asked in awe after Harry related the previous night's events.
"Don't be silly, Ron, of course she didn't," Hermione replied confidently. She neatly folded up today's copy of the Daily Prophet, which had MASSACRE IN DIAGON ALLEY on its front page, and put it away as they arrived at the DADA classroom. Hermione then turned to Harry. "Professor Burkle didn't, did she?"
"Well, actually, Professor Burkle just bought a little of everything," Harry began as he led them into the class. His eyes widened at what he saw. He pointed to the head of the class. "See for yourself."
A wide table had been placed at the front of the class. On it neatly arranged and labeled were the novelty items bought from Fred and George Weasely's store. There was already a buzz of conversation going among the students, mostly speculation about what Professor Burkle was doing with them.
"Okay, kids," Professor Burkle called when class started. "Today, we're covering the use of pre-made spells and their uses in and out of combat. For example…"