April 16, 1999
He jolted awake, unsure of where he was. In the dark, he held himself still, his eyes adjusting. As the events of the past hours came back to him, he slowly turned his head, his gaze falling to rest on Alex's back. Her breathing slow and deep, he knew she was asleep.
Carefully, he eased out of the bed, scooped up his clothes and quietly made his way to the door. As he opened it, the light filtering from the kitchen fell faintly into the room, casting Alex's sleeping form in a soft glow. He stood for a moment, looking at her and the evidence of what he had done before stepping through, closing the door softly behind him.
Standing outside the room, Jimmy pulled his jeans on and tossed his shirt over his shoulder. Picking up his shoes, he padded down the hallway towards the living room, pausing to turn off the kitchen light.
Lit only by the lamp on the end table, Jimmy sat on the couch, his right hand at the bridge of his nose, rubbing. The silence of the apartment settled over him like a wet blanket, dank and suffocating. His eyes closed, he replayed the evening, and the sequence of events leading to what he was sure would be the end of his friendship with Alex.
As he sat in the dark, his thoughts wandered to Angie and the betrayal he had dealt her without her knowledge. He loved her, had loved her since the moment he'd met her, twenty-two years ago. She was his rock, his grounding point. She trusted and believed in him when no one else did. Without her, he'd be nothing. Without her unquestioning faith and strength, he would have long ago given up.
And yet, here he found himself, captivated by another woman, a woman who worked for him, who he counted as a close friend. He had occasionally wondered what it would be like, to have met Alex in another time, another life. And he always felt guilty for thinking it, felt like a bastard for even entertaining the idea.
But he couldn't deny that this had been something he had wanted, something he had desired for more then a year. He had resigned himself to being friends with her, to supporting her career, and he had been content with that. He knew, intellectually, that he could ask no more from her, had nothing to offer of himself. But his head and his heart didn't always agree.
Dropping his hand from his face, he reached for his abandoned cup of coffee, taking a long drink of the cold liquid. He briefly considered seeing if she had any beer in her refrigerator, thought of drowning his transgression in alcohol. And dismissed the idea quickly, liquor having gotten him into this situation in the first place. Although, he had to admit, he had not been intoxicated to the point of abandon. He had acted freely and with intent, once she had invited him.
And that was the problem.
Setting the cup down, he leaned back, closing his eyes. He knew he should leave, make a clean exit before she woke up. But this wasn't some random one-night stand that he would never see again. This was Alex. Even if he did leave, he would see her again at the squad. He couldn't avoid her; he was her commanding officer and required to interact with her on a daily basis.
As he sat there, his eyes closed, he heard movement from the hallway. Not quite ready to face his shame, to accept how he used her, he kept his eyes shut, waiting for her to kick him out. He listened as she paused at the entrance to the room, heard her sigh deeply, waited for the yelling, the recriminations, to start.
The dead air that filled the room surprised Jimmy. Just as he was about to break the silence, apologize for his behavior, he heard her move. He listened as she crossed the room, felt the couch sink as she seating herself next to him.
Neither spoke.
He could not open his eyes, could not look at her. He sat, unmoving, as she did likewise next to him. Long minutes passed, neither moving nor speaking. The room began to press down on Jimmy, closing in on him, sucking the air from his lungs. The feel on Alex's hand on his startled him. He jerked his hand away, standing quickly, his shins banging the coffee table.
Stepping away from the couch, Jimmy turned towards the window, not looking at Alex. He stood at the window, looking out into the night, trying to find the words he knew he needed to say, the apology he needed to make. He heard her stand, felt her step behind him.
Her hand was cold on his back, goose bumps rising along the path of her fingers. With a shiver, he stepped away from her touch, putting the coffee table between them as he went for his jacket, still on the arm of the couch. A quick search of his pockets and he found his pack of cigarettes. Shaking one out, he went back to the window, opening it and lighting up before turning to face her.
The wounded, indignant look on her face broke his heart. He couldn't look at her for more than a moment before his eyes dropped back to the floor. He knew he needed to speak, to break the silence between them. But the words wouldn't come. He couldn't tell, now, how she felt about what had happened, what had changed between them.
Taking a long drag from his cigarette, he met her eyes, holding them for the first time since she had entered the room. "Alex," he whispered, his voice abandoning him, "Alex, I'm sorry. I…"
He looked away, turning towards the window. He heard her sigh, heard her sit back down on the couch, her feet settling on the coffee table with a thud. His hand on the back of his neck, rubbing, he stared blankly at the glass, his thoughts a jumble in his head. He knew what he should say and he knew what he wanted to say. The problem he was having was that those two lines of thought conflicted.
Exhaling, he turned back to face her. Swiping his hand over his face, he took a deep breath before looking at her face. He could still see the hurt in her eyes, and the resignation. Determined to win the battle with his heart, Jimmy stayed his ground, only looking at her.
"Alex," he started again, his voice slightly louder, "I'm sorry. I took advantage of you. I never meant to…"
"Just stop," she said from her place on the couch. "You didn't take advantage of anything," she spat. "Do you honestly think I'm that weak, that you could have your way with me without my permission?"
Jimmy hung his head, unsure how to respond. Nothing, it seemed, was working out the way he had planned. He had not expected the amount of anger he saw on her face, venom in her voice. The war being waged inside him heated up, his plan of action suddenly laid to waste.
"Jimmy," her voice soft in the uneasy silence of the room, "Jimmy, look at me."
He slowly lifted his head, his eyes taking in the blanket wrapped around her still nude form before meeting her gaze. He stood, looking at her, his fists loosely balled at his sides. He was surprised to see that her eyes were clear, no sign of the alcohol she had consumed coloring them.
"Alex, I can't." His shoulders slumped in resignation. "Whatever it is that you want from me, I don't know if I can give it to you." He took another drag from his cigarette.
Her feet dropped to the floor as she stood, closing the distance between them. His eyes followed her path, until she stood in front of him, the blanket drawn tightly around her. He watched as her hand reached towards his mouth, removing the cigarette. With a slow move, she dropped it in his coffee cup before turning back to face him.
"Right now, what I want," she said as she faced him again, "is for you to not smoke in my apartment."
Jimmy blinked a few minutes, he confusion evident on his face. He cocked an eyebrow at her, unsure what to say.
As he watched, she dropped her head, her hand reaching for his. He resisted the urge to pull away from her grasp. When her eyes met his again, he could see the determination in them.
"Jimmy, all I want is your friendship, in whatever form it takes." She dropped his hand and stepped back.
He instantly missed the warmth, his hand balling back into a loose fist, hanging at his side. As he watched, she turned towards the back of the apartment. She took several steps before looking back over her shoulder.
"If you are leaving, lock the door on your way out." He rubbed the bridge of his nose as he watched her walk back down the hall, heard the click of the bedroom door closing.
He sat back down on the couch, picked up her discarded cup of coffee and finished it. Pulling his shirt from its resting place, he slid into it. Having pulled his shoes on, he stood and began buttoning his shirt.
Picking up his jacket, he considered whether he should stay. There was so much more he wanted to say to her, to make her understand that he had never meant to hurt her. But he recognized that his chance, tonight, had passed.
Putting on his jacket, he stepped into the hallway, pulling the front door closed behind him. A check of his watch showed it to be just after four. He had just enough time to make it back to his room and sleep for a couple of hours before a new day began.
He made his way down the hall and to the elevator at a jog, wondering if his mind would let him sleep. As he stepped out into the brisk April morning, his mind drifted back to what Alex had said, her words chasing him all the way back to his hotel.