Thanks I am a Banana!
Chapter two: The Masons and Bloody Cobby
"Now, rehersals! It's four o'clock! Where will you be Dudley?" Mr Dursley prompted.
"At the door, waiting to take Mr. and Mrs. Masons coats."
"Well done! Petunia?"
"Waiting in the lounge to greet our guests to our humble home."
"And you...?" Mr. Dursley said putting his fat ugly face up close to Barry's.
"I'll be sitting in my room, pretending I don't exist."
"Right, you will! Next, what do we do?"
"I'll serve dinner!"
"I'll escort Mrs. Mason through to the dinning room!" Dudley said pretending to offer an invisible Mrs. Mason his large arm, at this Mrs. Dursley began crying,
"He's such a gentleman!"
Barry rolled his eyes, Get me a bag, so I can hurl...
"And you...?"
"Same as before."
"And what was that?"
"Sitting in my room pretending I don't exist," Barry recited.
"Exactly, also, I'd appriciate if you'll keep that blasted bird locked up!" Mr. Dursley said pushing his face even closer to Barry's face, spit flying. Barry wiped his face,
"Sure. And I'd appriciate it if you would use some-"
"Dad! Pass the pancakes!"
"Mints," Barry finished as Mr. Dursley became distracted with passing the mountain of pancakes.
At four o'clock sharp the doorbell rang, straight away Mrs. Dursley began fussing - begginning with Barry.
"Up! Upstairs now! Quick!" Mrs. Dursley hissed, banishing a dishtowel at him.
Barry ran upstairs, the last thing he heard from downstairs as he shut his bedroom door was Dudley,
"May, I take your coats Mr. and Mrs. Mason?"
Barry gagged,
"God, how can they think that - Who the hell are you! And how did you get in my room!" Barry asked startled, spotting a walking dishtowel jumping up and down on his bed. No, not a dishtowel...some kind of Hobbit or Elf...
"Sir! What a pleasure to meet you!" The elf thing said, bowing so low his nose almost toughed the ground, "I'm Cobby the house elf, sir."
"Uhh...Hi Cobby...What are you doing here?" Barry said eyeing the odd creature.
"Cobby is here to warn you that you must not return to Hogwarts!" The house elf squeaked.
"That's lovely...why?"
"Horrible things are planned for Hogwarts!"
"Like..."
Suddenly, with a look of shock the house elf began banging his head with 'History of Quidditch', screaming in pain each time.
"Cobby! Don't! You don't have to tell me! Just please put the book down!"
This seemed to calm Cobby and he put down the book,
"You can't return to Hogwarts!" he squeaked, tears of pain streaking down his face.
Barry looked at the house elf,
"I have to return to Hogwarts, it's my home. Besides all my friends are there!"
"Friends who don't write to you?"
"What?"
"Cobby, tried his best to stop Mr. Saucepan from returning to Hogwarts...he even took you mail, to try and convince Mr. Saucepan he was unloved..." Cobby said shakily, holding up a handful of letters - all addressed to a Mr. H. Potter.
"Uh...Cobby...that's not my mail..."
"It's not? Oh, bugger," Cobby said looking really put out.
"So...What's going on there?"
"Cobby must not say! If only his family knew where Cobby was! Cobby has already ironed his hands as punishment!" Cobby said, showing Barry his bandaged hands.
"Cobby, why? Why did you punish yourself?" Barry said shocked.
"Because Cobby was bad."
"But-" Barry spluttered.
"Barry Saucepan must not return to Hogwarts!" the elf yelled, as he began hitting himself once more with the book.
"Cobby stop!"
Mr. Dursley voice came from the bottom of the stairs,
"I'm assuming Dudley must have left his television on! Forgetful tyke!" Barry then heard Mr. Dursley's stomping up the stairs.
"Shit! Cobby hide!" Barry hissed trying to jam Cobby into a nearby shoe box.
"Mr. Saucepan, sir! Cobby won't fit in there..."
Mr. Dursley burst through the door,
"What the hell are you playing at!" He spoke as loud as he dared.
"N-nothing..." Barry said looking around for Cobby.
Mr. Dursley noticed him looking around,
"What are you looking for?"
"Uhh..." Barry said thinking quickly for something that he could be looking for, "...My smuggleypoo," straight away he wanted to hit himself over the head.
Mr. Dursley looked at him with a brief look of confusion,
"And whats that!"
"An animal my girlfriend sent me for my birthday."
"You have a girlfriend?" Mr. Dursley looked more confused now than he ever did, "Why would someone want to go out with you!"
"What's wrong with me?"
Mr. Dursley looked him up and down,
"Everything! Does she know about your little secret?"
"Course she does-"
"Oh, Vernon!"
"Coming dear! The blasted thing won't turn off!" he then turned to face Barry, "Button it, or no tea for a week!"
"Whatever..."
Looking furious, Mr. Dursley turned on his heel and walked out.
As soon as the door closed with a snap, Cobby reappeared.
"See, Cobby...? See why I can't stay here? They think I'm a total freak!"
Cobby shook his head, his ears flapping,
"But...Mr. Saucepan, Hogwarts is too dangerous this year!"
"Cobby, it's a risk I'm - Hey!" Barry said looking out his window, Cobby turned too and relising they weren't alone turned back to Barry,
"Barry Saucepan! Dont't go to Hogwarts!" he squeak, then disapeared with a snap of his fingers.
"Barry! You going to open this shitty window or not?" Andy called from her broomstick. Barry's mouth dropped open, Andy flicked her hair,
"Yes, I know! I'm gorgeous - bit of a shock, now get your ass over here!" she said laughing, by her side Andrew appeared,
"Barry, you going to open this window or what? It's fucking freezing out here!"