Kingdom Hearts: The Heart of All Parodies
Chapter 6: Xtreame Crossover
Disclaimer: The author of this fanfiction hereby acknowledges that he does
not own any of the following properties: Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts. The
author of this fanfiction would further like to acknowledge that these properties are
trademark of Square-Enix and Disney respectively.
Also does anyone else think that Final Fantasy is the most misleading name for a
franchise, like, ever? It never freaking ends! If it's not a sequel it's a spin-off!
We're up to like what now? Twelve? It's total fucking bullshit!
--(We apologize for the fault in the disclaimer. Those responsible have been canned.)
Final Fantasy is a scam, wake up people!
--(We apologize again for the fault in the disclaimer. Those responsible for canning those who are responsible have also been canned.)
Sioris and the violet robe clad "Faith Child" suddenly materialized amidst chaos. Commotion, panic in the streets, mass chaos; and that's just due to U2 holding illegal rooftop concert number 1,968. And just as Sioris looked over at his surroundings, he beheld the most gruesomely horrifying beast known to man: Barbra Streisand! And she was singing! (Eeek!) And then the most horrifying sight of all just above him: Willard Scott in a leotard, skydiving! (OMFGWTFBBQ!) (A/N: All this stalling is just killing you isn't it? Especially since you know the beast that I'm really going to speak of…)
"It's Godzilla! Everybody run!"(A/N: Oh, you just hate me right now don't you?) screamed a man running for his life. Just then another man, also running for his life, stopped him and said:
"Actually, it is impossible that the monster currently rampaging through our fair city of Zanarkand is, in fact, Godzilla; for Godzilla was not mentioned in the disclaimer and therefore his existence in this fanfiction can be limited only to a simple mention of his name or reference. Furthermore, only characters from the properties mentioned in the Disclaimer above may exist within the continuity of this fanfiction (unless otherwise specified in a future disclaimer). 'Cause let's face it, the author of this fanfiction isn't that stupid. (A/N: Hey!) But I think we should run for our lives anyway." Both men then commence with the running and the panicking and the screaming like schoolgirls who had just seen a bug.
"Well, we must be in the right place," said Sioris looking around in amazement at the massacre Sin was causing.
"Yeah…" the faith child agreed, "unless we're in the wrong place."(Editor's Note: We didn't give you pricks an advance just so you could hand in some half assed bullshit. Remember: We can stop payment!)
"We must make haste," said the Faith Child, "We must find him before it is too late."
"Yeah, let's show that whinny ass, short-shorts wearing, faggot hole!" said Sioris showing off his "interesting" vocabulary.
"Look out!" called the Faith Child.
"Wha-Oh my god!"
Suddenly, thousands of sinscales were shot off of the large, squid-like sinspawn. They landed on the road, surrounding Sioris and the Faith Child, and coming out of their shells they appeared bug-like and their numbers were incomprehensible.
"Ewe no amount of ointment will get rid of those crabs," Sioris commented.
"That's just…sickening…," Said the faith child.
The Sinscales closed in, their deadly fangs barred.
"Oh shit!" said Sioris backing away from the pack of Sinscales only to realize that they we're surrounded. Sinscales were coming at them from all sides!
"H-hey, don't you have some kind of power to produce some kind of mystic weapon?" Sioris asked the Faith Child.
"No," answered the boy, "Who do you think I am?"
"Uhhh, I don't know, Bahamut, King of Dragons maybe?"
"Oh, yeah, that's right….heh-heh."
The faith child removed his hood.
"Wait, what are you doing?"
The boy's eyes turned red and glowing. His fingernails grew; his hands became more like claws! His skin turned black and resembled scales more so than skin. His teeth then formed fangs, his face growing outward, his mouth and nose were no longer separate. Then suddenly, the boy began to grow!
The boy, now resembling more of a beast than a boy, became bulky and continued growing as wings sprouted out of his back. The fancy symbol on the back of his robe bursted outwards as his clothes ripped apart and became a floating metal ring just above his back. He grew to an enormous size as he completed his transformation. He was now Bahamut, King of Dragons.
"Holy fuck!"
"ROOOOOOAAAARRR!"
Bahumut roared. Parting his enormous wings, he flew to the sky to deliver his decisive blow. Or he would have it weren't for his sore throat.
"Rrr…Damn…all that roaring sure takes its toll in your throat…Rrr…," said The King of Dragons, "I need a lozenge…rrrr…" Then he flew off in search of a convenient store.
"What…the…fuck…" obviously Sioris was bewildered.
The Sinscales are still closing in remember?
"Holy fuck!" said Sioris.
"Raaaarrg!"
"Banzai!" sounded a voice from out of nowhere. Suddenly, Tidus rushes through the horde of Sinscales and cuts through a few of them with the Keyblade.
"Hey, that's my Keyblade!" said Sioris "Give it back!"
"I don't see you're name on it," said Tidus as he smirked.
"Listen you jocked up pretty boy, I don't have time for this stuff and neither do you! Now I don't want you bothering my game's storyline continuity and I know you…"
Tidus just stood there cleaning out his ears. "Blablablablablablablbalaba" is all he heard.
"Hey, are you listening?"
"Huh? Say what?"
"God…damn it…"
"Huh, say what?"
"Give me my Keyblade!"
"Huh? Say what?"
Hello? Sorry to interrupt your deep conversation, but might I remind you…you're still being attacked!
"Relax, mister narrator. I'm a pro at this," said Tidus smugly.
"Rawr!"
"Eeeek!" Tidus squealed and ran behind Sioris.
"Idiot…"
Meanwhile…
Bahamut circled the skies, desperate to find a store owner stupid enough to be open during the apocalypse.
"All goods 75 off! Only store open during the apocalypse!" Bahamut heard a store owner call out to whoever wasn't dead/ hiding/ fighting.
Bahumut immediately rushed in the store. "Rrrr…lozenge…need…rrr…lozenge…" Said Bahamut, "Do you take…rrr…checks?"
"No, I'm sorry we don't accept checks," said the store owner.
"Whhaaaaaat?" Bahamut was outraged, "What do you mean you don't take checks!"
"Sir, I don't like your tone. If you don't lower your voice I'll have to ask you to leave."
"Rrr…damn. We'll do you take credit cards?" asked Bahamut.
Back to our hero…
The Sinscales closed in further, forming a tight circle around our hero.
"I'm here too, you know!"
Oh, and Tidus.
"Thank you."
Well, anyway, it seemed there was no hope, and honestly, there wasn't.
"We're fucked," Sioris commented on the grave situation.
Just then, all the Sinscales turned around and left.
"WTF?"
Back to the convenient store…
"Yes, we do take credit cards." Said the store clerk.
"Well, here." Bahamut was about to hand the clerk his card when suddenly Auron of all people stopped him.
"Noooo!" commanded Auron.
Suddenly, all the Sinscales that were just recently attacking Sioris and Tidus swarmed into the store and began breaking things.
"Wait!" said Auron, "Don't you know that if you use a credit card, you get a surcharge on your bill?"
More swarming and breaking.
"Not to mention all of the junk mail you'll be getting in months to come, where do you think they get you're information?"
The Sinscales continue swarming and breaking stuff.
"RRrr…Relax," said Bahamut, "I've got a Capital One No Hassle Card."
All of the Sinscales instantly stop, turn around, and leave.
Sioris and Tidus arrive, having been following the Sinscales, just in time to see them all leave and see the squid-like Sinspawn slam down on top of the store clerk, who was just trying to make a few quick bucks before the world ends.
"What's in your wallet?" said the Sinspawn.
"WTF?" said Sioris.
"Raaaawwwrrr!"
"Quick, Tidus, give me my Keyblade!" Sioris commanded.
"No way, this is my wackstick!" answered Tidus, "I know nothing of you Keyblade!"
"We've got no choice, looks like we're going to have to fight," said Auron, drawing his Katana.
"RrrrBring it on! RAAAAWWWRR!"
"Feel mah powerz! Taste the blade of mah wackstick!" Tidus hit the Sinspawn with the Keyblade-
"Wackstick!"
Shut up, Tidus. Now as I was saying, Tidus hit the Sinspawn with the Key-
"Wackstick!"
Keyblade!
"Wackstick!"
KEEEEEYYYYBLLLLAAAADEEE!
"WAAAAAACKSSSTIIIIICK!"
That's it! Tidus is inexplicably hit with a random and inexplicable lightning bolt and is knocked out inexplicably.
Sioris walks over to Tidus' smoldering, unconscious body and takes the keyblade he was supposed to get.
"It really sucks that we had to use an entire chapter to get back on track."
Keyblade…
Keyblade…
"You're a little late, mister disembodied voice," said Sioris.
Sorry…
"It's okay."
"Hello! I'm still here!" said the Sinspawn, drawing attention to himself.
"Oh blow off!" Auron insulted.
"Sinspawn just want to be loved…"
The Sinspawn died of loneliness.
"We'll, now that that's over…" said Sioris, making his Keyblade go away; ready to be summoned again when needed.
Auron grabbed Tidus by the collar and hit him in the gut.
"Wake up, fag!"
"Gaah! Oww…that hurt," Tidus whined, "Hey, where's my wackstick.
Auron punched Tidus in the mouth. "Shut up you sorry sack of shit! And come on!"
"Where are we going?"
"Don't ask questions. Now get moving, you preppy ass pretty boy!"
Auron and Tidus arrived at the "Sin portal" that was to take Tidus to Spira.
"This…is Sin." Auron explained.
"It looks like a giant vagina," said Tidus.
"You're sick…"
"Heh, I've never had pussy that big."
"I bet you've never had it, period," said Auron.
"Hey! I have too!"
"Animals don't count."
"What the- I oughtta…"
"Just get in there! This is you're motherfucking story…don't fuck it up!" With that, Auron threw Tidus into the abyss.
"Hey," said Sioris, "can I get a ride through that pussy portal, too?"
"Eh…sure…"
"Thanks!"
"Now its time…this is your story."
"Huh?"
"Sorry, I'm required to say that every time I send someone through a portal to another dimension."
"Oh…okay."
Auron took Sioris by the collar and threw him upwards as he had done Tidus. Sioris saw a bright light as he passed through the abyss. Then, he blacked out.
In Traverse Town…
Donald and Goofy, diligently continuing their search for the Key-bearer, arrived at a random stop in hopes that this world—out of thousands—might be the one where they could find the Key.
"Look!" said Goofy pointing to the sky, "A star's goin' out!"
"Goofy, we have to hur-"said falling star falls on Donald, killing him.
"Oh my gwarsh, you killed Donald!" said Goofy. Throwing up his arms, he then yelled:
"You baaaassstaaaarrrrdssss!"
End of chapter
Sad? Me neither. But Donald will be back never chapter. Write you're ideas for Donald deaths in your reviews. If I use yours, I will acknowledge you. Play a part in the continuing story.
As for the next chapter: Sioris is finally back on track with the KH storyline. But what will my crazy mind have in store for him next? Donald deaths are just the beginning. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- oh! Please read and review. AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!