Kingdom Hearts: The Heart of All Parodies
Chapter 7: Gay Parade (Just Like NYC!)
Introduction: Hi. Well, I understand that the past few chapters have been taking a long time to get out. I've been really busy and nerve racked. And on top of that, I've the worse case of writer's block ever. But I'm back on track and trust me, once the ideas start flowing, they don't stop for a while. So sit back and enjoy Chapter 7 which I promise will be better than the ill-conceived crossover attempt that was chapter 6. But I wanted to think of an original way to translate the events that lead to Sora coming to Traverse Town into a funny, whacked out misadventure. And it came in the form of a short FFX/KH crossover. I won't screw up that bad again, I swear. Please read and review.
(Note: I have nothing against a certain minority that is portrayed in this chapter. Please do not be offended by anything in this fic.)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
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Sioris awoke in a strange alleyway.
"Eh?" Sioris asked to himself, "W-Where am I?"
Sioris stood up. His new surroundings undoubtedly unfamiliar.
"This is so weird…" Sioris said to himself, "I'm in another world."
Naw shit, Sherlock! What was your first clue?
As Sioris traversed through the town, he noted the strange sights: Cute moogles, some bipedal dog and a talking duck that appeared to be looking for someone, big-eyed people, bright pretty lights, and overall rampant gayness.
"Hey," said Sioris having a revelation, "'traversing'…This place should be called Traverse Town because of all the traversing.
Wow, lucky guess…
TRAVERSE TOWN
Weary of walking and trying not to get killed by weird black creatures who had just appeared and started trying to kill him, Sioris stumbles upon a quaint-looking little get together place.
"'Cid's Bar'," Sioris read, "Hmm looks interesting."
With that, Sioris entered.
The décor was…interesting, and so were the patrons. Sioris knew he was in the wrong place.
"Actually, effeminate men aren't so uncommon in RPGs. I don't see what the problem is."
Ah, Sioris, you are so naïve.
"Welcome to my mother fucking bar," said Cid, the bartender, "what's your fuckin' poison?"
"Something strong, bartender," Sioris answered as he sat down.
"Are you even old enough to drink, shit wad?"
"No…"
"Do you have a fake I.D.?"
"Yes," Sioris presented his bogus identification card stating that he is a 22 year old male lumberjack named John Jingle Jangleheimer Schmitt.
"Hey that's my name, too!" said Cid, accepting the I.D.
"Do people always shout? I hate that."
"One hard drink coming right up, Mr. Schmitt."
"You can't go wrong with Samuel Adams, kid," exclaimed a man who looked like he was dressed for a Revolutionary War reenactment, "always a good choice."
"Quit bothering the kid, Adams!" said a pirate looking man on the bar stool on the other side of Sioris, "You know he wants a little captain in him!"
"Excuse me, but WHAT?" asked the outraged Sioris.
"Man, shut the fuck up, Morgan!" commanded Adams, "Gay bars are my territory!"
"But gay guys love having a little Captain in them!"
"Is this some kind of innuendo? 'Cause…" Sioris was interrupted by more arguments from Adams.
"That's it, looks like Poly wants a pounding!"
"Bring it on!"
Adams punched Captain Morgan in the face and the shit was on.
And amidst the bar fighting that ensued, a lone alchohol mascot sits crying.
"I feel so left out…" cried Jack Daniels.
Both Sioris and Cid took no mind to the war between the alcohol mascots, which had erupted into an all out sissy slap battle royal between all the patrons. During this time, Sioris was addressed by a man at the bar.
"Hey boy," said the man, "that's a mighty large blunt object ya got there," talking about Sioris' Keyblade, "Come sitn' my lap, boy, and I'll show ya the secrets of good swordsmanship."
"Uhh…no thanks…" Sioris answered. I need to get out of here, Sioris thought. But before he could make it out of the door, Sioris heard a loud crash.
A man with brown hair, black clothes, and a scar on his face had slammed another man into a bar stool and was now holding him face down into the floor with his foot.
"I assumed that your grabbing my ass was to help me sit down," the man with the scar while still holding the other man face-down on the floor, "But when your hand found it's way to my inside leg, I got sorta suspicious! Now all I came here for is some information. Have you seen a kid with a large blunt object running around?" The man meant Keyblade, but he couldn't say the name and risk the kid's discovery by one who may wish him harm, so he had to describe it for what it was. But he could have said it in a different way.
The man on the floor only mumbled.
"Um, I don't think he can breathe," Sioris said to the man with the scar.
"Oh…" the man with the scar released his hold on the blue haired man who dressed in women's clothes and even wore lipstick and feathers in his hair.
The drag queen got up. You have to admit, he did have quite a feminine figure.
"Well then," said the cross dresser in a belligerent 'noble woman's' tone, "I haven't seen anyone with that description around here. But whether or not there's one around here who does remains to be seen." The drag queen gave the man with the scar a look I'd rather not describe…
"Maybe I should rephrase my question!" the man with the scar put his fist in the drag-queen's face.
"No need," said the cross dresser, moving the man's fist out of his face, "I'm leaving. C'mon Seymour, honey."
Another blue haired man, even more oddly dressed than the cross dresser, walked over to the bar.
"Yes, Kuja?" asked Seymour, "—woah, what a looker you've found here!" Seymour waved girlishly at the man with the scar.
"Back off, he's straight," said Kuja.
"Aww…"
"Oh well, there's loss," said Kuja, "Let's go, honey."
"Yes sir."
"Hm?"
"Uh…yes ma'am…"
And they both left.
"Weird..." Sioris observed.
"Really…" the man with the scar concurred, "That's what I get for coming to a gay bar for information," the man rubbed his eyes with his fingers. Then he turned to Sioris and asked:
"Hey kid, what're you doing in a gay bar? Don't tell me you're somebody's pet."
"Hell no!" said Sioris, "I came in here for info, too."
"Info about what?"
"My friends. I don't know where they are."
"Why didn't you go to the police?"
"They were all killed by these black monster dudes."
"Huh?" Heartless… thought the man.
"What is it?"
"N-Nothing," What attracted them to this world? "Umm, I don't know anything about any missing persons, but you could ask Cid, the bartender. Contrary to popular belief, he's not gay. By the way, the name's Leon."
"Thanks Leon, I'll do that."
Sioris walked over to the bar again. There were two men sitting on the bar stools talking to each other. Cid was listening to them and looking really annoyed.
"I mean, I know she's my cousin, but she's so sexy!" said the man with a mowhawk and plenty of tattoos. He looked like he belonged at a gay bar though he appeared to be straight, "Is there anything wrong with that?"
"No, not at all," said the nerdy looking man, "All the more reason to go for it, I say."
"Otacon, you're the only one who understands me," said the mowhawked man.
"I know, Brother. We're the same."
"We're…like twins." They were obviously drunk.
"I love you," said Otacon, "But not like that…like a brother, Brother."
"I love you too…like a brother…" (A/N: Whish he'd love his cousin like a cousin, know what I mean?)
"Hey!" Cid interrupted the men, "This is the fucking gay bar! The goddamn incest bar is down the street!"
Brother and Otacon shrugged and walked out the door.
"So kid, what's botherin' ya?" asked Cid.
"Well Cid, I can't find my friends," said Sioris.
"What do they look like?"
"Well, one's a pasty faced guy with white hair and the other is an extremely slutty brunette," Sioris knew Jenna would kill Sioris for that 'slut' comment, but he had to describe her as she was if he had any hope of finding her. Melvin couldn't hurt Sioris even if he tried.
"Eh? Well, don't know about the first one, but there are plenty of slutty girls around here, so-"
Just then, a black haired ninja girl in a skimpy outfit and her hair in a bob cut and a head band had walked into the bar.
"Speak of the fuckin' devil."
"Oh Squall," the girl called. She had a real annoying voice, "Didja find him yet?"
Leon walked over to the girl. "Yuffie? Damn it! First of all, no. And second of all, it's Leon. Get it right, you two dollar whore!"
Yuffie's eyes begain tearing up. It looked as if she was about to cry.
"Yuffie, I didn't mean…"
"Shiruken'd!" Yuffie suddenly threw her Shiruken at Leon and hit him right above his scar.
"AHHHHH!" Leon screamed in pain as he covered his face, "Oh my god, what was that for? I think it might leave another scar!"
"Tee-hee!" Yuffie turned to Sioris. "Hey, isn't that the Keyblade?"
"I can't tell! I have a freaking shiruken lodged in my brain!" Leon pulled the shiruken out of his skull. "Hey, you're right. Stop right there, kid. Hand over that Keyblade!"
"Say what?" Sioris drew his Keyblade, "There's no way you're getting this!"
"Very well…"
Outside, all was quiet. That was, until Sioris' unconscious body came flying out through the door of Cid's Bar and landed just on the steps in front of it.
"Do you have a little captain in you?" Captain Morgan said suddenly to Yuffie.
"Uh...no."
"Want one?"
"Aren't you supposed to be gay?"
"I'm just acting that way so I can get gay guys to have a little captain in them!"
"That still didn't sound right."
"I'm just lonely."
"Don't talk to me."
"Aww…"
Leon walked outside, brandishing his gunblade.
"I think you overdid it, Squall," said Yuffie.
"It's Leon! And yes, I may have gone a little too hard on him. But what would you have me do? It appears that the situation is even worse than we thought…a lot worse," Leon said as he went to pick Sioris up and carry him to wherever they were going.
Just then, Sioris jumped up like a rocket and slashed Leon in the face. "HEIIIIIIYYYYAAAAA!"
"AHHHHH, three scars!"
End of Chapter: Thanks to all who have read and reviewed so far. Even through the slew of bad chapters. Thanks and keep reviewing, even if you didn't like the chapter and have some constructive criticism.