You know, it's funny. As long as I knew Sebastian he kept a journal and I always made fun of him for it. Now, here I am, doing the exact same thing. Mind you it's not of my own free will. No, I'm being forced to. You see after my parents and everyone else found out about my little "habits" Tiffany and Edward decided that it would be best to put me into rehab. Thought it would help "make me clean". Ha what a joke. And on top of that, I also have to see a therapist twice a week. This stupid journal was her idea. She thinks it will help me relieve my stress and move on by writing everything down. She says I'm supposed to tell my story. Well to tell the truth most of my story is irrelevant. What I used to do has no bearing on why I'm here. She said to start at the beginning… well, the beginning doesn't matter. I suppose she wants me to write why I did drugs and hurt all those people so she can sneak in at night to read it and "figure me out." Well that's not happening cause the beginning and everything I did doesn't matter. All that matters is the end. The end of my life.
I stood on the steps of my high school staring out at the faces of the people who used to adore me. A tear fell. I don't usually cry, actually… I never do. Crying is a sign of weakness. I hadn't cried since I was seven. I know the term's totally cliché but I think that day changed my life. I had been shopping with my mother and had seen something I, as a spoiled little rich girl thought I was entitled to. My mother refused to buy it for me. I don't remember what exactly it was… but I'll never forget the lesson I learned because of it. I was upset because I was used to getting everything I wanted so I started crying. Then, my mother did something I had never and haven't to seen her do since. She hit me. My hand flew to my cheek. "Kathryn!" she told me in the coldest voice I, at the innocent age of seven had ever heard. I stared at her, the toy forgotten. "Do not cry. Crying is not the way to get what you want. Only the weak and stupid cry." That's something no child should have to experience.
Maybe, to someone else, this wouldn't have been as earth shattering, but I believe it tore out a part of me. I'm not saying it was this incident alone that made me the ice queen I am today, I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe I was born a hateful, vindictive bitch or maybe there was some crucial moment in my life that forever changed me. I'm not sure and to tell the truth I don't care. All I know is that I hadn't cried since that day. Then, that bastard had to go and pull my feet out from under me.
God! I hate him! I hate him for doing this to me! He was, of course the one person who ever could have made me cry, could have made me weak. If I had thought he had nothing to do with it and it was just that bitch Annette I wouldn't have cried. You see, despite what others may have thought, I wasn't crying for my ruined reputation. That's probably what Annette thought, what everyone thought. No one would believe it if they heard it. I wasn't crying because everyone finally knew who I really was and my Mary Sunshine act was torn to shreds, although that did nothing to ease my pain. No, I was crying because the one person I thought truly cared about me had betrayed me. Knowing that he had set up a plan for my downfall with Annette made me truly realize something. It made me realize something even him giving her the stupid journal didn't. Right at the moment Cecile gave me the booklet I knew, without a doubt, that he loved her.
Most people in my life probably think I'm incapable of feeling any genuine emotion. Well, despite how I may act, I am human. It would hurt any human to find out that the one person they cared about and thought would love then no matter what despised them. When that little twit handed me the journal I hated myself. I'd never felt any remorse for what I've done and then I found out he hated me. I stared down at what he had written about me and couldn't stop the tears. I thought he cared about me because he was like me. Then I found out. He was above me because he fell in love and turned his life around. Though I didn't believe him falling in love redeemed him it didn't change the fact that he loved her. I had no one. I was truly alone and everyone hated me. I was evil. I realized all this when I realized he didn't love me. For some reason I never cared about the people I hurt and never felt remorse because I thought he would always be there for me, always love me, always stand by me. Looks like I was wrong.
God I'm crying again. I hate him! I hate him for betraying me! I hate him for dying! I hate him for making me care! It's not supposed to be like this. We don't feel. Sebastian and I don't care about anything or anyone. We're cold-hearted, selfish fiends. Doesn't he realize what he's done? He's destroyed me! Not just my reputation but the very fiber of my being. God the one person who knew me hated me. I'm a bad person. I didn't deserve his love or anyone's love so I guess I got what I deserved. I'm destroyed. I'm as good as dead. I guess he got what he wanted.