Everone's Stupid but the Monkey
The last thing Goku wants right now is to wake up. The very last thing. He is far too comfortable, he decides, even if he and Sanzo have shifted someplace new and he should probably get up and be more aware of his surroundings. But how is he suppose to focus on anything else when his attention is all rapt up in Sanzo, his current and very desirable pillow?
Snuggling in a little deeper into the monk's firm chest and holding tight around the waist he is only too happy to be atop as they lie on the floor, Goku decides it would be physically impossible to get him to move right now, even if Sanzo wasn't finally starting to wake up and join him in the land of the conscious.
He hears the monk give a soft gasp, apparently reminded rather abruptly of what has passed between them since he has awoken to a monkey on his stomach. Goku snuggles in a little closer, groggily so that Sanzo believes he is still out. Just a little longer, he thinks, please let Sanzo allow this for just a little longer…
"Sanzo? Goku?"
Hakkai. Damn it.
Goku instantly feels Sanzo tense--more so than the monk tensed when he first woke up--and a second later the recently content monkey finds himself on the hard floor, without a comfy blonde to cushion him. The unfairness almost has him scowling and shouting out a protest, but he decides the safer thing to do would be to feign waking and just…go with it. He knows Sanzo will appreciate some discretion, and maybe…if Goku plays his cards right…showing some discretion now might earn him a worthwhile bonus later. One can only hope.
"Ngnnn…" Goku groans, playing up his 'waking' by rubbing at his eyes as he sits up, blinking stupidly at the room around him. He peeks at Sanzo out of the corner of his eye and winks.
Sanzo--at first--looks a little panicked, but relaxes once realizing Goku isn't going to say anything. A quick look up at Hakkai staring down at them, and Sanzo can tell the healer isn't about to say anything either. Sanzo gets to his feet, and counts one more blessing when he realizes Gojyo isn't in the room at all. The last thing he wants right now is to put up with a comment from the kappa.
Apparently recognizing that this is his cue to enter, the kitchen door swings open and Gojyo comes charging through, looking very intent and as if he had been about to say something before stopping dead at the site of Sanzo and Goku. The kappa grimaces before turning away, his fists clenching at his sides in frustration.
Goku, on his feet as well, eyes his redheaded friend with more than a little concern. "Gojyo…you okay, kappa? Did we miss something exciting?"
An unmistakable wave of what Goku can only describe as anguish passes over Gojyo's face, and then the hanyou is very falsely slapping on a grin, so unbelievably that Goku is almost pained to see it. "Nothing as exciting as what I'm sure you two got to see. Right…Hakkai?"
Goku flicks his gaze to the healer and sees a very similar flash of deep-seated pain. But Hakkai too plasters on his smile and gives a nod. "Oh yes…just lazy things really. Nothing to bring up."
Goku and Sanzo both get the message loud and clear--don't ask, just leave it alone and DON'T ASK. Sanzo is inclined to accept this request, not seeing the other pair's dealings as being any of his business. But Goku…
What sort of friend would he be if he allowed the pain he has seen to remain? And what sort of matchmaker would he be if allowed the tangible rift between his friends to widen further?
"Man, leave you two alone for a while…" Goku grumbles, stomping over to Gojyo and grabbing the kappa's arm so he can pull the redhead along after him. "Guy talk. Back in a bit. Call if anything important happens." Goku says noncommittally to the stunned pair left in his and Gojyo's wake, before they are suddenly shut within the bedroom, Gojyo having given quite the weak display of resistance.
Sanzo and Hakkai are left a little stunned and without any chance for protest, but seeing as how both are relieved to be rid of their current obsessions, they are fine with leaving things be. Sanzo gives Hakkai a look to check for agreement and Hakkai's smile is answer enough. The pair turns to the seating area in the living room and each claim a chair since Gonou and the youkai-Gojyo are currently curled up on the couch, both with something to read.
A small smile works its way onto Hakkai's face, one that has no pretense or false bearings. His likeness is reading a novel and the other Gojyo has a newspaper. While Gonou is sitting upright, Gojyo is laying down so that his head is comfortably in his lover's lap. The pair does not need to speak, enjoying this part of their lazy afternoon as easily as they had enjoyed…
Hakkai suddenly coughs, his cheeks flushing, and he smiles weakly at Sanzo when the monk gives him a questioning look. Sanzo doesn't press any further. Both feel a little awkward keeping silent, seeing as how this is the first time they have been in each other's company since the evening before, but…neither really has it in them to say anything.
Sanzo leans back in his chair and closes his eyes, trying to clear his mind of…everything, since he can't even imagine thinking over recent events just yet. Hakkai, unable to even attempt the same, risks breaching their silent agreement to pry the monk's mind, if only to distract his own.
"You seemed a bit flustered before, Sanzo." he begins, aware he may be treading dangerous ground, but figuring Goku is probably doing an even more abrasive job of that anyway. "I couldn't help noticing the…position you were in when you and Goku shifted here. Did Goku…fall on you?" Hakkai tries not to laugh at his own mocking, but the other's situation is a far better thing to focus on than his own.
Sanzo does not open his eyes but his hand reaches up to press into his temples. No, he does not feel an oncoming headache, but his head might as well be splitting in two anyway. "Yes. That is exactly what happened. You wanna shut up now?" This last part is not a question.
"Do forgive me, Sanzo, but…I can't help feeling pleased you've decided to take my advice." the healer says, hands folded neatly in his lap as he looks sideways at Sanzo. Their chairs are actually quite close, so if Sanzo had his fan and was so inclined, he could easily reach over and give Hakkai a firm whack. It does not escape Hakkai that, since Sanzo does NOT have the fan, this is not something he needs to fear.
"What's with everyone being so damn open all of sudden." Sanzo growls, eyes clenching tighter since his try for meditation isn't going as planned. "You're annoying, all of you. And who says I'm taking anyone's advice? The monkey's just being persistent. I haven't decided anything."
The flicker of a smile on Hakkai's face twitches up, a little more real and very genuine. "Sanzo…perhaps…if you would like to talk about it, it would be easier for you to come to a decision. I am more than willing to listen."
Sanzo's eyes slowly open and turn to glare hard at Hakkai, the monk otherwise not moving a muscle. "Do you want to talk to me about whatever the hell is going on between you and the cockroach?" he asks, and the touch of darkness to his tone is not at all missed.
Hakkai's smile falls. He often forgets just how observant Sanzo can be since most of the time the blonde chooses not to comment on things he deems undeserving of his concern. "Aa…I suppose…you call me rather fairly." Hakkai answers softly.
"Yeah. I do." Sanzo says, eyes closing again with a sense of perverse contentment on at least being able to one-up someone in a conversation today. He refuses to feel bad about stripping Hakkai of his real smile; the man should know better than to play the hypocrite around him. "Now will you grant me one thing…and shut up."
This is not responded to with anything other than silence, which is exactly the reply Sanzo was hoping for. They sit, Sanzo still trying to meditate his traitorous thoughts away, Hakkai staring dumbly at the domestic scene of the pair on the couch, and all the while both distantly wondering just what Goku and Gojyo are talking about.
-----
Goku would swear his heart came to a complete stop at one point. What Gojyo has just--very awkwardly--explained to him is a step beyond messing things up and making things worse. It is a disjointed disaster that for all of Hakkai's gentlemanly ways is not going to be easily cleaned up.
The brunette lifts his eyes from his hands, where they had been focused so intently if only to not picture the events Gojyo described. Goku is the first to admit he doesn't mind his friends--or their likenesses at this point--being frisky, but…judging by how things went down between Gojyo and Hakkai, he can't imagine the events as anything pleasant to dwell on.
"Well…whoa. That…totally sucks."
Gojyo lets out a low, humorless laugh. "Yeah. Totally, fucking sucks."
"And…uhhh…you're thinking now…maybe…he freaked coz you passed it off like a friend thing?"
"Hn. Seems that way."
"Then…isn't that…kinda…good?"
Crimson eyes turn to Goku and stare as if the monkey has grown another head that must be dealt with quickly and systematically killed. "Good? How the fuck is any of what I just said good?"
Sitting next to Gojyo on the foot of the bed--it being made but poorly so, which reminds them just how different Hakkai and Gonou are--Goku looks back at his friend with bold confidence. Even the kappa's sourest look and most biting of comments cannot prove to deter him. "Yeah, I think the last part is really good." he says, practically throwing the sentence in Gojyo's face. "If Hakkai's upset coz of the whole 'friend' thing than that means he wishes it was something you did as a non-friend thing. Meaning…he likes you too."
Gojyo rolls his eyes with a sneer. "Or…he was freaked out that I even dared touch him at all and was then stupid enough to try and pass it off as something a friend would do, when a real friend would have stopped when he said no." Gojyo pushes angrily off the bad, abruptly on his feet as he paces in front of Goku with short, halted steps.
"Calm down, man." Goku tries, reaching out from his spot on the bed as if to grab Gojyo and hold him in place though he never quite takes hold since Gojyo is still moving back and forth. "That's not it, okay. I mean…yeah, he's probably way freaked, but I know he likes you too. You just gotta tell him it wasn't only out of friendship that you…ya know." Goku tries unsuccessfully to hide his grimace as he says this.
Gojyo stops. "That I what?' he demands, not having missed the look of distaste in the monkey's expression. "That I jerked him off? That I gave my friend a hand-job he never wanted! How the hell am I supposed to go up to him now and say, oops, didn't mean for you to think I'm just a sick freak who gets off getting others off when they don't even want me to touch them!" Gojyo gives a mighty kick at the leg of the bed, barely missing Goku's shin, which causes the boy to jump.
Not being one to be intimidated on this journey in anything, not even in the face of his most challenging of opponents, Goku balls his fists and jumps to his feet, forcing Gojyo to take a step back. "Knock it off, Gojyo! Stop being a dick!" he yells, face twisted in sudden anger. "It's not the end of the world, but you're acting like a baby! Why don't you grow up for once and stop blaming everything on yourself! Hakkai is not your mother!"
Gojyo's face goes instantly white, and Goku distinctly hears each knuckle crack as the kappa tightens his fists. "What did you say…?" comes his harsh whisper.
Goku swallows. He know he is about to push things further than he probably should, but he figures better now than later, because this is something he has wanted to say to Gojyo for a long time, and with everything else going on…he can't imagine a better time. "I said…Hakkai is not your mother." the monkey restates, slowly and with assurance in every word, not flinching even when Gojyo makes a movement as if to strike. The strike never comes. "Yeah…you know just what I mean. I don't know what your mother was like, Gojyo, but I do know that Hakkai would never hate you just because. And he won't hate you for something you've done either. I mean…you pick on me, and hit me, and drive me crazy, and I still love you. Hakkai…you and Hakkai are best friends. He could never hate you. So stop thinking you're so easy to hate. You're not."
When Goku hears a few more knuckles crack, he awaits the coming blow…and when it doesn't come he realizes the knuckles are cracking…because they are letting go. "You…you think you're pretty smart figuring all that out, huh?" Gojyo says, and though his words sound a little forced, they are not at all filled with the scorn they could be.
Goku smiles, hoping to turn confrontation into understanding that will bring a smile to Gojyo's face too. "Smarter than these three guys I know, anyway." he says with a touch of humor. "See, these guys, they're all being really stupid right now. One, he's going to try and pretend something didn't happen even though it did. Another, he doesn't think he's worthy of being loved even though this really great guy is totally in love with him already. And the last, he also thinks he's nothing special, even if he never says it, but he's a pretty cool guy when you get to know him. That is, if you can ignore how he steals your food and calls you names sometimes."
Just as Goku was hoping, this last bit forces a smile, even against Gojyo's will. "Oh really?" the kappa says, his anger all but faded. "And who says I steal your food? Try the other way around, monkey-boy." he adds, playfully tapping his fist to Goku's temple, which is much better than the punch Goku had at several times been expecting.
While Goku laughs a little, happy to have things somewhat sorted out, he realizes that Gojyo's mirth is not very stable, because the kappa is already drifting away from him, his crimson gaze unfocused and a little lost.
"Goku…" the redhead says, looking at nothing. "What…what am I gonna do…?"
Goku frowns; really, Gojyo should know the answer to that. With a firm grip on the kappa's arm again, Goku begins to drag his friend from the room. "You…are going to talk to Hakkai." he says, not putting up with any resistance as he drags Gojyo along. He nods his head, resolute. "Whether Hakkai likes it or not…"
-----
There is a moment of complete and utter stillness when Goku and Gojyo first burst forth from the bedroom, Goku still holding tight to Gojyo's arm, and Sanzo and Hakkai looking at the other pair with varied expressions of bewilderment. Goku looks impatiently back at Gojyo and when he realizes nothing is going to happen, he sighs in great exasperation, releases Gojyo, and starts heading for the kitchen.
"I'm gonna try and raid the fridge." he says, gesturing in mild frustration for the monk to follow after him. "Come on, Sanzo."
Hakkai honestly snickers at the look that captures Sanzo's face, one that is so utterly disbelieving, the blonde could be a child just told of the most unfair of all injustices, such as candy not being a legitimate source of vitamins and minerals.
Sanzo does not move, momentary shock transforming into a glare that just dares Goku to speak to him like that again.
With a grand roll of his eyes, Goku is more than happy to meet that dare. He looks over at Gojyo, still standing dumbly where the monkey left him. "Hey, Gojyo, wanna hear what happened with me and Sanzo today?" he says, his gaze flicking back over to Sanzo in obvious challenge.
When Sanzo jumps to his feet, his glare now a look of sheer homicidal intent, Goku is already bounding through the kitchen door, expecting to be followed. Sanzo's fists clench, shaking in anger. "I swear…I am going to murder that brat." he growls, just enough under his breath for Gojyo and Hakkai to not quite hear him clearly. He does not look at either of them as he stomps into the kitchen after Goku, hating that despite his fury, he is doing exactly what the monkey wants of him.
Left alone again, Gojyo and Hakkai look to one another fleetingly but find they cannot hold one another's gaze for very long without feeling unfairly awkward. Hakkai is the first to look away, gazing instead at the pair still quietly reading on the couch. Gojyo, moving very slowly from his spot in front of the bedroom door, eventually takes a seat in the chair Sanzo vacated. The air is static, enough that Gojyo almost thinks his hair is clinging to his face, or maybe that is due more to the sweat coming off his temples.
The kappa swallows, hard, and swallows again, his throat so dry the act is ridiculously difficult, and it takes many tries before his throat feels clear. Even then, he is not sure whether or not he can speak. He knows he must, he must at least try, even if Hakkai doesn't listen. If Hakkai chooses to reject him, he can handle it, but this…distance…this avoidance and abandonment of the friendship he cherishes…it is more than he can stand to lose.
Not because of some stupid mistake.
"Kai…" he starts, his voice hoarse, and he has to clear his throat again before continuing. "I'm gonna…say something, and…I just want you to listen, okay? Even if you feel like interrupting…don't. Just…let me say this."
Hakkai doesn't answer, emeralds still trained on the coach, though clearly unseeing, looking beyond the pair as he listens. Gojyo can sense his friend listening and that is as much encouragement as he can hope for right now.
"Okay…so…what happened." he says, breathing in and out a long breath to gather his courage. He closes his eyes, not wanting to look at Hakkai, not wanting to see if green eyes turn to look back at him. He just has to say this, and…hope it doesn't all blow up in his face--again. "As stupid as everything I've done today has been…the worst part…the part I would take back over any of the rest…is saying…that what I did was just an act of friendship. I didn't mean it that way at all. I said that, but…I thought it's what you needed to hear, so you wouldn't get spooked. Stupid, I know, I'm an idiot." he adds with a laugh, one that sounds choked and holds no humor. "But…it wasn't out of friendship. I mean…shit. I'm friends with the monkey. You think I'd do that for him?"
Silence replies, but Gojyo decides it isn't necessarily a bad thing. He had asked Hakkai to keep quiet, after all.
"So…umm…what…what I'm tryin' to say here is…that…" he swallows again, and again, wondering why the hell his eyes are watering when he has them clenched so tightly closed. "It wasn't out of friendship, Hakkai. Not even close. It was me…loving that the sight of those two got you all worked up and just…hoping…wanting so bad…to be the one to make you feel the way Gonou felt." A tear slips out of the corner of one of Gojyo's tightly closed eyes and he hates himself for the weakness it represents. "Shit." he curses, wiping at his eye roughly, even while keeping both of them closed. "You…you don't have to be quiet anymore. You can…say something. Anything…gods…please, just…talk to me…"
At first, Gojyo is still only granted silence, but he hears his friend take a calming breath, and knows, even though Hakkai has not turned his gaze upon him, that the brunette is readying himself to speak. Another sigh sounds before the words come. "Gojyo." Hakkai says, the name nearly whispered and spoken with a kind of desperate and sad reverence. "Please…do not think you need to say these things if they are not the truth. I have no intention of withholding my friendship over the matter, I was merely…angry. But please…don't appease me this way."
"What…?" And Gojyo's eyes open of their own accord because he is too stunned to remember how much he wants to keep them shut. He turns and looks to his friend and sees that emeralds have clenched as tight as his own had been, Hakkai's head bent as he wills away tears so close to the surface, Gojyo can see them sparkling at the corners of his friend's eyes. Another tear falls from crimson, and this time…Gojyo is not ashamed to let it fall. "Damn the monkey for pegging us so well. We are both...beyond fucked up."
In a state of their own shock now, emeralds open, turning wet and wondering to gaze at Gojyo, the pair's eyes meeting, finally meeting without a need to quickly disconnect.
Gojyo almost smiles at the unspoken question in Hakkai's expression. "Yeah, we're both about as stupid as stupid can get, and the brainless boy-wonder had us all figured out from square one. How's that for pathetic?"
Hakkai blinks, still not entirely sure he understands what Gojyo means.
Gojyo shakes his head, his tears stilling as he smiles a little wider and gets up from his seat. He kneels down in front of Hakkai, crimson trained on emerald the entire time, and even when Hakkai flinches as he places his hands on the man's knees, Gojyo isn't afraid. Not this time. "I'm not appeasing you." he says steadily, his voice serious and leaving no room for argument. "Goku gets it, see? He gets that both of us…think we're about as worthy of love as the dirt under one of our enemy's god damned feet. And maybe…maybe I'm still half thinking here that…I'm not good enough for you."
"Gojyo--"
"Let me say this." the redhead responds firmly, squeezing the knees under his palms with sure hands and even surer resolve. "Before we got here…to wherever the hell this place is…I couldn't even see past my own hormones to understand that a roll in the hay is not what I need. Random girls can't fix me. They can't make up for…what I never had as a kid. What I need is something I've never even recognized until now. And that's you." Gojyo lifts one of the hands on Hakkai's knees and reaches up to the healer's face. Hakkai gives a little gasp, but is too amazed to do much more than simply lean into that offered touch. "I told you once I didn't know what love was." Gojyo whispers. "Maybe now…I'm starting to figure it out."
The Casanova in Gojyo wants to lean forward on these last words and press his lips to Hakkai's in a kiss that will seal away all thoughts of disbelief from his friend's mind, but he holds back and merely…looks. Staring down at him is someone he loves. He has always known he loved Hakkai as a friend and companion he can't imagine living without, but this…this feeling swelling in his chest…he feels so foolish for having missed it all this time, and would just as readily kiss Goku right now for how the monkey has helped him to understand.
All he needs, all he's been missing, is right in front of him. And the fact that Hakkai is a man, a youkai, a friend, none of it takes away from this wondrous new feeling because he knows…he was never going to get to choose. This decision has been made for him, and…for all his skirt-chasing ways…he doesn't mind at all.
Which is why it hurts even more when Hakkai pulls away from his touch. "Gojyo…please…stop this." the brunette pleads, his tears held back, but his voice thick with them as he pushes Gojyo's hand away and shrugs off the one still lingering on his knee. "I can't…don't you…understand…I…can't…" Words are lost to him. There is so much he means to say but he cannot seem to focus on anything. "I…oh, please…please don't…don't say these things…"
All the hurt in Gojyo rages suddenly in his chest and turns all too quickly into anger. He has poured his heart out, set everything straight, and still…it is not enough. "So you'd rather I had taken advantage of you?" he says in a far harsher tone than he would have allowed a few minutes ago. He stands, part of him wanting to grab Hakkai by the shoulders and shake him to his senses. "Why not, right? It'd be easier to deal with a pervert than some love-sick fool. Huh? Is that it?"
Hakkai closes his eyes against the bitter words he knows he deserves, but cannot find his own voice to defend himself. What more can he say? What more can his stained hands offer?
Almost against his will, those hands lift, out of his lap to turn palm up so when his eyes struggle open he can stare hatefully at all the red he still sees on them, covering every pour and making him unfit to even imagine…returning the affections Gojyo has so bravely laid before him.
In an instant Gojyo's anger is gone, and he feels ashamed for his outburst. Too easily does he understand the thoughts raging through his friend's mind as Hakkai stares in sick fascination at hands Gojyo has only ever found beautiful.
"Damn it." Gojyo curses, more to himself than at the situation, and he is back on his knees, no longer caring about his own pain if he can in any way ease some of Hakkai's. "Knock that off, will ya." he says, his tone impossibly soft after having turned so angry. He reaches up and firmly takes hold of Hakkai's hands, covering them with his own so that Hakkai no longer has his fixation to look upon. Green eyes slowly lift up, dazed. "Your hands are clean, Kai. Crystal-clear clean. The blood washed away in the rain that night I met you and it is not coming back. They get a little dirty sometimes, no way to help that, but…every time…they still get clean. Even being clean, though…sometimes…there's something about 'em I really hate."
Hakkai's brow furrows, waiting for Gojyo to elaborate.
Gojyo smiles crookedly and tightens the hold he has on the hands in his grasp. "I hate…how you keep them so empty." A single motion has Gojyo and Hakkai both on their feet as Gojyo uses his hold to tug his friend into a fierce embrace. Gojyo clearly hears the sob that rips through the sudden quiet. "They don't have to be empty, Kai." he whispers. "They don't. You can hold me whenever you want. And I'll hold back. Every time."
Another sobs breaks, sounding so choked as Hakkai tries to hold it back. Soon, Gojyo can feel his shoulder becoming damp. He never imagined that such a strange and wet feeling could be so sweet. In truth, he doesn't know if Hakkai is accepting him or just letting go a few of the tears he has needed to shed for too long. But right now…it isn't important.
When Hakkai finally pulls back, clinging with desperate fingers to the fabric of Gojyo's jacket, his mouth quivers, wanting to say the words he just doesn't know how to voice yet.
Gojyo smiles. "I can wait." he says, tightening the hold he has on Hakkai's arms to further solidify the promise he means to say. "I'm not asking for anything. Well…I am asking one thing. Turn me away, fine, but don't think for a second you're not worth me loving you. It's not your choice, ya know. It's not even mine. It's something that is. So…give me a fair chance. But give yourself one too. And I'll be waiting for an answer…right here."
For now…that's the most either of them can ask for.
-----
Sanzo is getting impatient. Goku is utterly ignoring him as the chimp rummages through the fridge for something that might catch his fancy, and with the hushed--though occasionally loud--voices coming from the other room, the monk is feeling even more antsy.
"Are you just making a mess in there, or are you actually going to eat something?" he asks roughly, leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed. He is trying without success to bore holes into the fridge door that is currently blocking him from his charge.
The door shuts, Goku reappearing with surprisingly nothing to show for his troubles. He looks to Sanzo worriedly. "This totally blows. Now that I'm actually thinking about taking some food…nothing even looks good. It's like…anti-hunger." the boy makes a face, that notion apparently too horrifying to explain further.
Sanzo scowls. "Idiot. Learn to think without using your stomach then. For once." he adds with a following huff of distaste.
To the monk's continued frustration, Goku only smirks and suddenly starts sauntering his way over until leaning a little too closely into his personal space. "Gee, and here I thought I was definitely thinking with some other part a few minutes ago…" Goku practically purrs. He slithers an arm around Sanzo's waist and tilts his head. "Care to be reminded…?" Lifting up onto his toes, the boy clearly means to make good on this comment.
It takes all of Sanzo's waning strength to slip out of that persistent hold, pushing the monkey back. "Cut that out. I don't want you thinking with your stomach or anything…below it, either."
Goku almost laughs. "You sure about that?" he throws back, reaching over to tug playfully at the collar of Sanzo's robe. The monk's slight gasp does not go unnoticed. "Mmm…didn't think so." Goku says in triumph, and quickly moves in again.
This time Sanzo pushes the boy away with a palm right on Goku's face and uses all his power to send the boy tumbling back a few paces. "I said…cut. That. Out." the monk growls. "You mean one thing to me, and that's being just another damn fool along for the journey. That's all. You wanna play romance, go find somebody else. I'm not interested."
"Liar."
Sanzo's eyes widen at the sheer certainty in the boy's insolence. Taking a step away from Goku, Sanzo decides he doesn't like the monkey's constant smile one bit. "Stop being so smug. Maybe you don't know as much as you think you do."
But Goku's smile refuses to fall and he steps closer to Sanzo again, unyielding. "I know you're afraid. I know you're half wondering just how much of your shit even you can take anymore. I know…you liked that kiss--"
"Enough."
"No, not enough. Damn it, Sanzo, I'm not going through this again." Goku says with a stamp of his foot, the smile falling finally out of pure frustration. As sure of himself as Goku is in all of this, he still fears being denied in the end, and the reality of such a thing is more than even he can smile off. In a second, he is on his knees, catching Sanzo completely by surprise with the suddenness of theact. "You want me to beg? I will. I'm not above doing it if it's for you, Sanzo. I'll beg. Please, Sanzo." he says, falling forward so that his hands are flat on the floor, his head bent with only Sanzo's boots in his field of vision. "Please don't treat me like I'm nothing. Please don't lie to me anymore."
"Stop it." Sanzo demands, wanting to back away but finding his feet are glued to the kitchen floor. This strange act on Goku's part is too disturbing, too telling, even more so than the kiss. So much more…blunt…that Sanzo wants only for it to stop. "Stand up, you idiot. This is ridiculous."
"Yeah, it is." Goku says back, his head still bent to the floor. "It's stupid. It's stupid how I have to beg to be allowed to love you. It's stupid you still think you need to push me away when you were just as into that kiss as I was. It's stupid that we keep coming back to the same things when you know in the end you're still going to love me…just like I love you." Goku looks up, his eyes firm instead of tearful as Sanzo might have expected, and the sheer power in that look nearly has Sanzo crumbling on the spot.
"Why are you…doing this to me…?" the monk asks in a whisper that barely falls from his lips at all, caught inside of him and only allowed to break free out of pure misery.
"Because." Goku answers softly, getting to his feet and standing before Sanzo with a strength that makes his recent pleading ring true for what it really was: for Sanzo's sake and not his own. "I. Love. You. And nothing is ever going to change that." Goku makes a move once again as if to reconnect their long lost kiss, but when Sanzo flinches back this time the monkey decides not to push his luck. With a sigh, he turns for the door. "I'll give you time, Sanzo. I've waiting this long. But…even I won't wait forever."
And as Goku slowly crosses the floor and exits, leaving Sanzo alone, the finality in what the young brunette has said, what all of it means, sounds like a bell-tower anthem in the monk's chest, joining the rhythm of his own pounding heart.
He is more afraid, he realizes, than he has ever been, even more so than on that night so many years past when his master dove in front of him to spare his life from an early end. The sheer breadth of emotion directed at Goku within this fear, has Sanzo wondering even more…if the damned fool monkey…might just be smarter than he is.
tbc...
A/N: Personally, I KNOW Goku is the smartest of the bunch because he doesn't let the little things get him down. Such as...being in prison for 500 years. Sanzo may have lost his master, Gojyo may have been almost killed by his step-mother and then abandoned at the age of 8, and Hakkai may have lost his true love and slaughtered 1000, but Goku spent 500 years in exile and HE still wears a smile. LEARN from this.
Quick edit sure ate alot of the last chapter, so let's hope that doesn't happen again. Partially out of laziness and exhuastion, no real need for reader comments this round. You're all so wonderfully helpful and honest with me, it's refreshing, and your reviews often have me grinning madly for several minutes. Now that I have returned from my AMAZING trip to London, you have had another update (yes, it is a wonder how I am human and can still update so fast, but perhaps I'm just possessed by Kazuya's spirit while writing). Anyhoo, thankies as always, you make this so much more fun and inspire me more than you can ever know. I'll update again soon!
Crim