Chapter 3

Alex sat huddled on her hospital bed, hugging her knees to her chest. Her chin was resting on her knees and she looked directly at the woman in the chair beside her bed.

"What happened, Alex?" Georgia Benson, Alex's psychiatrist, asked.

Alex sighed. Georgia already knew so much. Alex had been so distraught after being kidnapped by Sean Martin and all the things he told her, that she decided to seek some help. She wound up finding Georgia. Today, the slightly over-weight Georgia looked very grandmotherly with her gray hair, dark red skirt and white blouse.

"I just couldn't do it anymore, Georgia," she replied.

"Couldn't do what?" Georgia tried to get her to open up.

"This," she said, spreading her arms. "Blinking…breathing…existing."

"Why didn't you call me?" Georgia questioned. "It's been about three months since we talked; I thought you were doing well."

Tears had started to stream down Alex's face and she hugged her knees again. "I thought I was too. But after being arrested, everything, all the guilt, started to come back. I thought maybe it was my punishment for causing my grandmother's death."

Georgia broke in, "Alex, we've been through that. You didn't cause your grandmother's death. Jacob Thompson killed your grandmother."

"Because of me," Alex responded.

"Because he was a sick man," Georgia corrected her.

Alex shook her head. "I still feel guilty. And then Gil stopped talking to me. And I understood, I mean, I wanted to understand. He was in a difficult position, but…" her voice trailed off.

"But?" Georgia prodded her.

"But he's my dad," Alex cried. "I mean, isn't that what parents are supposed to do, stick by their children?"

Georgia walked over to Alex and put a hand on her shoulder. "Alex, we've talked about Gil before too. He's only been your dad for less than a year. To some people, parenting doesn't come natural."

"I know," Alex wiped her eyes. "I know, but I can't quite comprehend. It's why I let it go after I was proven innocent. But then it seemed during every dinner or lunch he always had to leave early. I began to feel like such a burden to him."

Georgia nodded, sitting back down in the chair. She was well aware of Gil Grissom and his work ethic. She'd spent quite some time with Alex discussing it. "Did you ever ask him if you were a burden?"

Alex shook her head. "I couldn't bring myself to."

"It couldn't have been just that," Georgia replied.

Again, Alex shook her head. "While all the stuff with Gil was going on during the arrest, Greg was being a jackass. He thought I did it, too. And then Nick—" her voice cracked.

"What about Nick?" Georgia asked. "Last time we talked, you guys were good friends."

"We still are good friends," Alex responded. "But he wants to be more."

"What do you want?" Georgia questioned.

Alex let out a half sigh, half sob. "I don't know. When he kissed me, Greg and I were still ok. And I told Nick we could only be just friends. But when Greg started to doubt me, Nick stood by me. And I didn't know how to feel. I still don't. Then Greg found out Nick kissed me and now Greg won't talk to Nick unless absolutely necessary. Just more guilt for me…" Alex started to sob.

"Alex," Georgia said soothingly. "It's not your fault."

"It's just all too much," Alex told her. "I just couldn't look at myself in the eye anymore. The only way I could stop hurting other people was to…" Alex couldn't say the words.

Georgia nodded in understanding. "Obviously, someone up there doesn't think that's the truth. And there are those right here who do care greatly about you."

"Obviously someone up there likes seeing me in pain," Alex disagreed. "And if some people did care about me as much as they say they did, they wouldn't have let me down by not letting me die."

"Did he really let you down?" Georgia asked.

Alex was still for a moment and then shook her head. "I can't say I'm happy to be alive, but I also can't say I'm sad not to be dead."

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Alex was half asleep when she heard a knock on her hospital room door and then some footsteps coming towards her. In her groggy state, she turned over to see who it was, expecting Gil. But she was wrong.

"Greg!" she quickly sat up, noting how apropos his clothing choice was: black jeans and a black button-up, with the sleeves rolled to his elbows. "What are you doing here?"

Greg cast his eyes down. He wasn't sure how to say what he wanted to say. After all his thoughts, he finally answered, "I…I just needed to say I'm sorry."

Alex smiled weakly at Greg. "It's not your fault," she replied, knowing what he was tying to say.

He shook his head slightly. "I'm not so vain as to think I was the sole reason, but I know my actions…" he didn't know the right words to finish.

Again, she knew what he was saying and knew that it was the truth. He was a part, but so were a lot of other things. She didn't know how to respond.

Greg noticed her silence. "I'll take your lack of a response to mean I'm correct."

Her eyes started to fill with tears. She wanted to comfort him, to alleviate his guilt, but she didn't have it in her. She was too drained. All she could do was shake her head.

"Alex," he said, walking to her bedside and taking her hand. "Please, let me make it up to you."

She looked into his eyes and saw his sincerity. But in the back of her mind, all she could think of was his doubt of her. "Greg, I can't do this…again."

"Alex, you can't deny you still love me," Greg tried to persuade her.

She didn't want to respond. She did still love him, but knew it would never work. She attempted to change the subject, "If you really want to make it up to me, you can forgive Nick."

At the mention of Nick's name, Greg released her hand and turned away. "That's a promise I can't make."

She could tell she hurt him with her request. "Greg," she replied softly, reaching for his hand. "You will always be dear to me, but after what happened, I just can't risk that again. But I don't want my mistake to ruin your friendship. You and Nick were friends long before I was around and will be long after I'm gone."

He turned and looked at her once again. "But I don't want you to ever be gone," he responded.

She was touched, but needed him to be realistic. "It's not your choice to make."

A tear slid down Greg's cheek. He knew she was right; it wasn't his choice. And she had obviously made hers. "So I guess this is good-bye," his voice nearly cracked.

"Not good-bye," she said. "I hope that someday we may still be able to be friends."

"I don't know," he quietly replied. "Maybe."

He turned and slowly walked out of the room, having nothing left to say. His head was hanging low. His heart was broken, his hope dashed. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to be just friends with Alex, but the thought of her being gone from his life forever was more than he could bear.

Alex was at a loss for words as Greg left. She didn't know if she could ever be just friends with Greg, but she knew she was willing to try. She only hoped as he left, that he might take her request to heart and forgive Nick. Maybe then, she might feel some sort of relief.